wishuponashells Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. I do love him, don't get me wrong. But I know I can't spend the rest of my life with him. I want to settle down and have a family but he isnt ready for that. Which is NOT the issuse I am having! The problem I have is over the last 3 years, we have done nothing but WORK on being happy with each other. He has an issue with my weight. I loose it, get it back, loose it and currently, it has come back. But he is a VERY handsome man and he gets pressure from friends and family on how he can do better and it gets the best of him after a while. So he bugs me about that alot. My issue is he has a SEVERE anger problem. He blows up at the most stupid crap. Like on New Years, its something I have ALWAYS done for as long as I can remember, take down the xmas tree, and he had a hissy fit in front of my roommates 2 and 3 year olds and knocked down the tree breaking ordiments and making a huge mess. But when we are happy, we are GREAT! He loves me I know that but I just dont see myself having children with a man that looses his temper over really stupid stuff...on a reg basis. We can't go 2 weeks without having a HUGE fight where things in the house either get broken or damaged. We already have lost our $500 deposit for our apartment we have only had for 6 months...see where I am going with this? So, my current issue is, HOW DO I LEAVE? When I have tried to leave in the past, he gets really sweet and talks me out of it, or takes me out on a date and I fall madly in love with him again. And currently, his family owned company is at its worst with this time of the year so me and my full time job are responsible for ALL the bills...so I cannot even begin to save money to move out. Its like I'm trapped and he knows it. I have no clue what to...my roommate and her two kids are also coming with me and she just now is starting a new job tomorrow...so I have no money coming from her at the moment...Anyone have any advise? Thanks...
Lemontang Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Sounds more like controlling and manipulative behavior to me. Loses his cool then acts all sweet only to do it time and time again, it's like a wolf in sheep's clothing. This kind of thing is emotionally abusive and he really should seek councilling. Failing that I'd leave him. But if you want out anyway you don't owe him anything. He has parent's he can move in with, and support them himself it's not your job to do. It's up to him to support 'his' family if things aren't going well with them. Don't let your own happiness be weighed down by someone else's issues. In saying that I've seen this type of issue before so don't be surprised when and if you do break up with him he throws on the sweet guy charm only to become extremely abusive towards you when he realises the sweet guy thing doesn't work (He'll switch between the two quite a bit). So when and if you do, you need to realise this is all part of his manipulative behavior. Best to regret not being with him than regret being with him.
Duckduckgoose Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Well you can try to talk him into going to counselling with you. You can tell him that his anger upsets you and before you consider the next step in the relationship you want to see him cool off/redirect his anger. If he is not willing to work on his issues (you go to counselling too not just him) then you need to leave him. If he is willing to work on what is wrong then I say stick it out. No one is perfect and sometimes we just need a nudge in the right direction.
Author wishuponashells Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 We have gone to counseling for over a year and he's been in and out of anger management...if I was seeing a difference I wouldn't be here asking for advice...I know he wants to change...I know he loves me but I'm just not happy. Like last night, I asked him if he wanted to go to one of my old co-workers co-ed baby shower and he was like, "So...your not even gonna ask me if you can go? Your just making your mind up without discussing it with me?" I'm like, I'm 22 years old! Why do I have to ask you if I can go to a baby shower like I'm your daughter?!
kalena9488 Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 We have gone to counseling for over a year and he's been in and out of anger management...if I was seeing a difference I wouldn't be here asking for advice...I know he wants to change...I know he loves me but I'm just not happy. Like last night, I asked him if he wanted to go to one of my old co-workers co-ed baby shower and he was like, "So...your not even gonna ask me if you can go? Your just making your mind up without discussing it with me?" I'm like, I'm 22 years old! Why do I have to ask you if I can go to a baby shower like I'm your daughter?! You don't have to ask for permission...YOU NEED TO RUN LIKE HELL as far away from this guy as you can. Man, I need to tak emy own advice. Good luck but trust me it's better to do it sooner than later.
JOSIE5555 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 The cycle of abuse is - an act of anger, breaking, throwing things, physical and/or verbal, emotional and psychological abuse - then the honeymoon period when they try to win you back. It only gets worst. You need to contact a battered women's clinic and get support. You won't be able to leave on your own, you are already a battered woman. You have attached to him thru trauma bonds. If you can get out, get out, if you can't call the battered women's clinic, get help getting out. God bless you,
JOSIE5555 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 for abusive men - they need another type of counseling altogether. I wonder about the therapist you went to if #1. he/she assessed you as a battered woman and you boyfriend/husband as the batterer #2. That your therapist does not know that anger management does not work for abusive men. Call you local battered women's clinic and get help today. Don't wait.
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