scaredandalone1223 Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Thought the New Year would be a good time to report on the status of my marriage. As many of you know I told my husband we were DONE at the end of October. I told him there was nothing he could do so he moved out. It didn't take me long to see that was NOT what I wanted! As I have said before, the first week was good...I was happy now, finally FREE! Only I found out freedom wasn't really what I was looking for at all. Two weeks in I began to really want my husband to come home, I wanted us to really work on things and rebuild a better, stronger marriage. At first he said NO. He was finished. He felt he could walk away knowing he had done everything he could to make our relationship work. He had indeed done A LOT. He had put in a lot of effort, to which I never matched. He had gone through many changes, especially over the past 4 years to make himself a better husband and father (not that he was a bad one to begin with). I on the other hand continued to want more and more and more without making any changes to myself. Three weeks in he began to come around a LITTLE. He told me he had not completely given up, but was leaning toward making the separation stick. He told me he would have to see some changes, major changes, before he was ready to come home. I also discovered he had a new "friend". The "friend" was female he was spending a lot of time talking to, texting and emailing. They were not seeing each other, as she was out of state. I also know this did NOT start until he had moved out. He agreed to start MC and I would start IC. During this time I did a lot of soul searching. I started looking at my own faults, admitting to them and coming to terms with what I had to change. I was NOT happy, but not because of my husband, but because of myself. All the things I had done that my husband got upset about I had always rationalized to make myself be free and clear of any wrongdoing. I always had an excuse of WHY I should be able to do this or that or why I should be able to behave in this way or that. One of my major faults was putting the urgent over the important. My family was always my top priority (the IMPORTANT), but I would let other things get in the way of this. I would let the URGENT of what I wanted to do at the time override what was the best, long term for my marriage and my family. Four weeks in my husband moved back home. He let me know that we had a long road ahead and that many of his feelings had changed. He was willing to give us one more FINAL chance. He still wasn't sure if we would work, but he could see a change in me and was willing to swallow his pride one last time. I did find out he had met his "friend" when she was home for Thanksgiving, but he also moved back in while she was still here for the week and spent most of that time with the kids and I. He began to back away from her (on his own w/o me knowing the whole story). Once I found out everything he cut all contact with her. He let me read the ending correspondences and told me, while he never had feelings for her other than friendship and she was a welcome destraction from the pain he felt from losing his family, he knew continuing the friendship was not possible. WHERE WE ARE NOW. Things are actually going great. We celebrated 13 years of marriage right before Christmas. I am continuing to make the changes I need to make. I have cut some negative frienships out of my life. I am putting my husband first!!! We are spending more time together talking, relaxing and just enjoying each other's company. He says that he sees a fundamental change in me. Not like the other times when I said I was going to change or work on things only to put in a half hearted effort into about a 1/4 of the things. He has told me the only thing he has ever wanted was for me to be a better me and I'm finally seeing that. If I build myself up as a person to be happier with myself, in turn my family life and my marriage will better. He has told me that returning was the hardest decision he ever made. He went against everything he believed to come back and try to make things work one last time, but he knows now that it was the best decision he ever made. It has been about 6 weeks since he returned and I am happier than I have EVER been. We are going to continue to work on US. I have seen rock bottom and I REFUSE to slip back into my old ways and go there again. He and I both know now how much our marriage and our family mean to us and we will fight with everything we have to continue on a path of success and make it to 'happily ever after'. I will post periodic updates here. And if anyone has any questions please ask.
Duckduckgoose Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Congratulations! It is soooo good that ya'll are working it out! It gives hope to everyone that is having relationship troubles that when both partners give it their all that things can work for the best! I really hope that you two can spend the rest of your lives together, lifelong marriage is a tough road but when both partners are willing to stick it out and put in the necessary work for changes then the result just makes me want to cry happy tears
Woggle Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Good for you. Hopefully you can appreciate it this time around.
hopesndreams Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I also discovered he had a new "friend". The "friend" was female he was spending a lot of time talking to, texting and emailing. They were not seeing each other, as she was out of state. I also know this did NOT start until he had moved out. Is this a different woman from the one you wrote about back in November?
tobydog1 Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Well, I am very glad to hear this! Great news and all the best for fixing it up and getting even stronger. I had hoped this would be my story but after 4 months of total desertion sadly realise it won't be.... But I am heartened to hear your news xxx
2010_Sorry Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Wonderful news! It's quite rare when we get a good ending like this. Sometimes I wonder if we NEED to hit rock bottom to truly appreciate what we have. You are very lucky... but you already know that. Congrats and good luck on continued success.
Author scaredandalone1223 Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 I also discovered he had a new "friend". The "friend" was female he was spending a lot of time talking to, texting and emailing. They were not seeing each other, as she was out of state. I also know this did NOT start until he had moved out. Is this a different woman from the one you wrote about back in November? No, it was the same woman. She was the only female he was in contact with while we were separated. As soon as he moved back in, before I even knew they had meet, he started backing away from the friendship. She also just went through a divorce so her feelings were a lot more about romance than his. He really just wanted someone to talk to and take his mind off the pain he was feeling from losing me. THANKS EVERYONE for the words of support and encouragement. And yes, I firmly believe hitting rock bottom was the worst AND BEST thing that has ever happened to me!
norm28 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 That's great to hear!! Some people never understand that a marriage is work, and the more you put in the more you get out. I'm glad you're starting to work on what will hopefully become that lifelong relationship we are all looking for. It's seems so easy in today's disposable culture to throw anything away, even a marriage, as soon as it gets difficult. But most people find that the difficulty is temporary, while a divorce is permanent. Keep working hard and good luck to you and your husband!!
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