Angry at Women;;;;;;;Frustrated and Confused

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by MarKus

I can agree with that, thay usually go for the a**h***s that treat them like dirt

 

Yes, and that may be very common and true, and it may seem very insane and hard to grasp....but I'll share with you, as an ex abused woman (several abusive relationships, including an abusive childhood), why this MAY be the case. It may help to explain why a lot of women DO choose the "bad boy" jerk over the proverbial "nice guy."

 

I grew up in a chaotic, tension-filled abusive home (my mom). I don't have a whole lot of good memories of growing up. But I do have a lot of memories of being yelled at, belittled, berated, feeling inadequate, becoming horribly shy and having no self confidence, always having to walk on eggshells in an attempt to be accepted by my mother (which was really never possible). This is what I came to know as "growing up".......I'm sure for many years there, I figured this was just "the norm"......and that to be loved, to be worthy of being loved and accepted, you had to earn it (but that you really never fully could). Each day was a challenge. Fighting everyday to be loved and to feel accepted by your parent is not a healthy way to live.

 

So I went onto one abusive relationship to the next. Ironically, in college, I did a paper on Domestic Violence against women.....as I did my research for the paper, which involved going to our local battered women's shelter and interviewing the director of the shelter (a former battered woman herself) and reading Lenore Walker's book on the Cycle Theory of Violence.....and then discussing my paper with my classmates, I recall how I smugly and arrogantly professed that I would NEVER let a man hit me, and if he did, he'd be gone......that I was no dummy. Though ironically enough, at that time, I was in a very abusive relationship (not physical, but everything else) and I didn't even have a freakin' foggy clue.

 

That first real relationship, that happened to be abusive, paved the way for me to get involved in another abusive relationship..only this one was much shorter and did involve physical abuse. I remember thinking how "smart" I was that I didn't put up with that "crap" for long.......but within a year, I was with my now ex husband, and on the path to a hellish marriage filled with not only physical/emotional/verbal/mental abuse, but sexual abuse, too. But hell, by that point I didn't even realize it.

 

I guess deep down I felt that "love" (or gaining someone's love) was synonymous with being worthy of it, and I guess that I just wasn't yet worthy of it. And while most women wouldn't have put up with the yelling and spitting and name-calling and belittling and walking on eggshells and trying unsuccessfully to be "perfect", I just reallly believed that this was "normal married life" and the price I had to pay to be loved and valued.

 

Years later, I went on to be in my first NON abusive relationship. He was a liar, but he didn't abuse me at all. AND I WAS BORED OUT OF MY TREE!! Whenever we'd have a disagreement about something, I was annoyed with his refusal to yell or scream or show some passion!! You see, I associated "love" with someone showing anger and rage and passion and being out of control. And he was none of the above. In fact, he was the type to resort back into his "cave" and he would clam right up and not even want to talk.........and I found myself feeling unloved and like I wasn't "worth" getting all riled up for. I ended up losing respect for him as a man because he was, by comparison to my other relationships, "passive" .......and it drove me nuts.

 

So.....perhaps this helps to shed a little light on WHY a lot of women choose the bad boys over the nice guys....it's because they began their relationships with bad boys, that type of relationship (however dysfunctional) is all they "know" and because of that, they've developed very dysfunctional expectations and perceptions of what being shown love and feeling accepted are all about.

[meanon]

Now, I know what you women will say. WHAT DID YOU DO TO MAKE HER THAT ANGRY?

 

Really I know no-one who would respond that way. Most would respond exactly as to a man.

 

i am drawn to abusive women out of a pattern of behavior, it could be true, but just as likely that women like to abuse

 

Surely you see the parallel argument with female victims of domestic violence all the time (all men are b*stards) yet you know that's not true. Your views are a direct parallel. Most people are not violent in the way you describe.

 

It is not just as likely that women like to abuse. Some women do but there is no evidence that they are in the majority. There is a body of research on domestic violence. It seems just as likely to you because all the women you know have behaved like this. To say you choose women with this problem is not to blame you - they are entirely to blame for their actions. If this happened to you in childhood, you learned that the people who loved you, who you loved would also hurt. You learned that these things came as a package. They made you learn that, it was not your fault. You are simply applying the lessons of childhood, as we all do.

 

Hopeless - you say you have wasted thousands on therapy. Success rates vary but I really would advise you to persist, try to find someone with whom you have empathy and who has a generalist approach they can adapt to suit your needs, rather than being tied to any specific school of therapy. Or you could try a psychiatrist if you have not already done so.

 

Good luck