herenow Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 (edited) I just read the thread where the OP asks that anyone that has not been in an affair to not respond. I don't want to TJ that thread or ignore the request but I do have a comment and question. I think it's great to talk about the wonderful things other's do for us and how it makes us feel. I guess one of the many reasons I could never have a secret relationship is because I would find it hard to keep those wonderful things under wraps. My question to the OP of that thread (or any other OW) is how do you deal with the fact that you can't share your experiences with everyone IRL? Being a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, I would find that very hard to do. I'm not trying to insult anyone I just never thought about it from the OW's POV until I read that thread. Edited January 3, 2011 by herenow
half_ofa_heart Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I just read the thread where the OP asks that anyone that has not been in an affair to not respond. I don't want to TJ that thread or ignore the request but I do have a comment and question. I think it's great to talk about the wonderful things other's do for us and how it makes us feel. I guess one of the many reasons I could never have a secret relationship is because I would find it hard to keep those wonderful things under wraps. My question to the OP of that thread (or any other OW's) is how do you deal with the fact that you can't share your experiences with everyone IRL? Being a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, I would find that very hard to do. I'm not trying to insult anyone I just never thought about it from the OW's POV until I read that tread. That is only ONE of the downfalls from being in an A but certainly not the worst - by far. Somehow, some way, the feeling we have when we're together, is worth it. The only part I struggle with is sharing him. The rest is all minor in comparison. The secrecy is the last thing to bother me.
pureinheart Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I just read the thread where the OP asks that anyone that has not been in an affair to not respond. I don't want to TJ that thread or ignore the request but I do have a comment and question. I think it's great to talk about the wonderful things other's do for us and how it makes us feel. I guess one of the many reasons I could never have a secret relationship is because I would find it hard to keep those wonderful things under wraps. My question to the OP of that thread (or any other OW) is how do you deal with the fact that you can't share your experiences with everyone IRL? Being a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, I would find that very hard to do. I'm not trying to insult anyone I just never thought about it from the OW's POV until I read that thread. Actually very little was held under wraps, and being as privite person I rarely communicate satisfaction or otherwise...it was exDM screaming basically.
Heather1 Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 In the beginning this was hard for me & to me, he was someone to brag about!! I couldn't hardly tell people I knew him because they'd ask for favors. His friends knew he had a crush, not the extent of it or our contact. One of our first breakups his friend called & I SO wanted someone to talk to about it, but I didn't say a word. I've since stepped away from his friends for a clean break. The good part is, for a break up people don't associate us together so no one asks me about him. The bad part is that I listen to people going through grieving & try to help them & they can reach out & talk about it & no one has any idea what I'm going through. So for what it is, it's one of the consequences people don't realize. No support, good or bad.
SidLyon Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Responding to the title rather than the text... IMO an OP can request that only APs/BSs etc respond, but it is up to the posters whether or not they comply with that request, providing they stay within the TOS. I don't like to see OPs trying to control/dictate about who can post on their threads. I believe that other sites have more stringent rules about who can respond on certain forums/threads and whether the OP can expect to be able to request who can respond. In some cases it can backfire. For example I identify on LS as a BW although many years ago I was in an affair (sort of) so technically I can identify myself as a AP (but never a OW).
cuddlekeeper Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I dont have that problem...most of my family and friends have met him and over half of them know that he is married. Not sure how I would cope if absolutely no one knew and I had to keep it all a secret...thinkI would go stark raving mad
KarmasTestDummy Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Easy answer, I don't. Seeing as how I'm a single woman and we're not among the same crowd, there is nobody in my life who isn't aware I'm in a relationship, and yes the majority also know the circumstances though not all. I'm more discreet at work with casual acquaintances. In that same regard I have received more concern than criticism, but I also know not keeping secrets allows me to speak candidly with friends when I'm hurting or need advice. The only place I maintain single status is on FaceBook because wifes suspicions have already been aroused and she has sought me out via every Internet medium possible including my high school alumni page that is long outdated and said the name of my ex husband.
Got it Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 While there were certain people I kept it secret from, ie work as I would never discuss my personal life at work, my family and friends know about him even when it was an EMR. But nope, I was able to sing it from the roof tops.
spice4life Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 I just read the thread where the OP asks that anyone that has not been in an affair to not respond. I don't want to TJ that thread or ignore the request but I do have a comment and question. I think it's great to talk about the wonderful things other's do for us and how it makes us feel. I guess one of the many reasons I could never have a secret relationship is because I would find it hard to keep those wonderful things under wraps. My question to the OP of that thread (or any other OW) is how do you deal with the fact that you can't share your experiences with everyone IRL? Being a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, I would find that very hard to do. I'm not trying to insult anyone I just never thought about it from the OW's POV until I read that thread. Goood question. I'll bite. This was by far one of the most difficult aspects of being involved in an A, for me. All of the sneaking around, hiding, not being able to tell people about it - for me it was the absolute pits. There is no way to feel safe and relaxed in a relationship like that. I will never EVER give my heart over to a guy who is "still" emotionally attached to another woman again. It was a painful lesson I don't plan on repeating again. If I even get a hint (and believe me, I KNOW the signs now!) a guy I'm dating is still emotionally attached to an ex...he's done! Not even a second chance. It's a total deal breaker for me. Does that help answer your question?
White Flower Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 I'm not trying to insult anyone I just never thought about it from the OW's POV until I read that thread.I told every friend and family member I had, I'm a very open book. I didn't lose a single friend, and I have many friends. My oldest child knows he is M and 'on hold' for that reason. She knows I have made a stand to not go back to an A and hopes he will finally get the courage to leave. For this she has lost a little respect fir him. She says I am warm, intelligent, and wonderful (God I love that girl!) and why wouldn't he come running?! So, while I didn't keep him a secret, she can't understand why he could keep me one.
half_ofa_heart Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Goood question. I'll bite. This was by far one of the most difficult aspects of being involved in an A, for me. All of the sneaking around, hiding, not being able to tell people about it - for me it was the absolute pits. There is no way to feel safe and relaxed in a relationship like that. I will never EVER give my heart over to a guy who is "still" emotionally attached to another woman again. It was a painful lesson I don't plan on repeating again. If I even get a hint (and believe me, I KNOW the signs now!) a guy I'm dating is still emotionally attached to an ex...he's done! Not even a second chance. It's a total deal breaker for me. Does that help answer your question? Although being silent about my A is not that big of a deal - I do agree that I will never enter into another A as long as I live. I cannot even find the words that describe the powerful highs and the dreadful lows.
OWoman Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 I think it's great to talk about the wonderful things other's do for us and how it makes us feel. I guess one of the many reasons I could never have a secret relationship is because I would find it hard to keep those wonderful things under wraps. My question to the OP of that thread (or any other OW) is how do you deal with the fact that you can't share your experiences with everyone IRL? Being a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, I would find that very hard to do. I'm not trying to insult anyone I just never thought about it from the OW's POV until I read that thread. With my previous As, my life was very compartmentalised and I didn't share anything about any of my As with anyone, as I didn't with any of my Rs with SGs or anyone else. Each R - whether work Rs, platonic friendships, familial Rs or any other - happened in its own sphere and was kept there. Nothing spilled over between spheres. This mould was broken during my last A, because as well as lovers, we were friends, intellectual mates, and partners in every sense. The compartmentalisation broke down. Shouting it from the rooftops certainly happened, though more from his side than mine. It wasn't kept under wraps. He just didn't tell his xW about it until we decided we wanted to be together, at which point it affected her and she needed to be informed.
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