Content Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I was with a group of friends hanging out at a lounge and a friend made a comment to one of the guys wife that she misnterpreted as saying she was fat and she flipped out started crying and the whole night was angry Shes not skinny but i wouldnt say shes fat at all either but she kept saying how she wants to desperately be really skinny and constantly works out and it hurts that shes not blah blah blah Why are women so obsessed with this? I can see single women trying to attract Men being a bit paranoid about weight even though i know Men who like all types of women but i can see where theyre coming from, but why on earth are women who are in sucessful loving relationships and marriages still consumed by this? It seems women are always worried about being universally attractive to Men or trying to live up to some media standard. We all have our insecurities but women and weight seme to be the most touchy subject which i can usnerstand to a point but if youre in a loving marriage with somebody whos attracted to you why do you need the whole world to be attracted to you or why worry about it?
flying Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Well, does the guy ever comment negatively on his wife's weight to her? That could be one answer.
Woggle Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I don't know exactly what was said but some women measure their appearance as their worth the way that man measure our ability to make money. When a man can't find a job and make a living he tends to feel lower than dirt the same many women feel if they don't feel attractive.
paddington bear Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Just read some of the attitudes from men on these forums and you will understand why. I joined a dating site and one guy said that if someone was even a little bit overweight he wouldn't go near them. If, for example, you suspected you were ugly, and you piled on lots of makeup and always dressed well and had your hair perfect to hide your ugliness and then went to a dinner party and someone said "well, you are not that good looking" it would upset you greatly. No one wants to be reminded of a 'flaw' that they already know they have. I think people, guys especially, underestimate just how much pressure there is on women to be super skinny. I read newspaper articles online and so often after photos of some star on the beach there will be so many men labelling her as fat, and disgusting and you start thinking 'well, hell, if she is fat, I must be an elephant!'...so, I can understand her reaction totally.
allina Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I can see single women trying to attract Men being a bit paranoid about weight even though i know Men who like all types of women but i can see where theyre coming from, but why on earth are women who are in sucessful loving relationships and marriages still consumed by this? So a woman should stop caring about her health and looks once she's married? We should only put in effort till we snag a guy? Really? Some women want to look hot for our husbands and for OURSELVES (yes it's not all for men.) I don't know what comment was made to your friends wife so it's hard to tell if she over reacted or not. But why would a man comment on his friend's wife's figure? That may have been embarrassing for her on top of being upsetting since she is clearly sensitive about her weight.
Author Content Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 Well, does the guy ever comment negatively on his wife's weight to her? That could be one answer. Not at all he always tells her shes beautiful
Author Content Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 Just read some of the attitudes from men on these forums and you will understand why. I joined a dating site and one guy said that if someone was even a little bit overweight he wouldn't go near them. If, for example, you suspected you were ugly, and you piled on lots of makeup and always dressed well and had your hair perfect to hide your ugliness and then went to a dinner party and someone said "well, you are not that good looking" it would upset you greatly. No one wants to be reminded of a 'flaw' that they already know they have. I think people, guys especially, underestimate just how much pressure there is on women to be super skinny. I read newspaper articles online and so often after photos of some star on the beach there will be so many men labelling her as fat, and disgusting and you start thinking 'well, hell, if she is fat, I must be an elephant!'...so, I can understand her reaction totally. But this women is in a loving marriage with a guy who adores her,and while shes not skinny shes not fat She should only care what he thinks of her
ecm Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 You've never heard anyone speaking negatively about dating "fat chicks" or having a friend who is a "chubby chaser"? I am not skinny-skinny, but not plus size or anything, and many people would call me "fat". Obviously it would be nice to look like A Victoria's secret model. Who wouldn't want that? It's just not attainable for MOST people in the world. I think the negative feeling comes from the way society views overweight people as a whole. If you're fat you are "lazy" "eat like crap" "don't go to the gym". You're PROBABLY "dirty" and "smelly" too. It's sad. I mean, I do beleive that there are people who do NOTHING to help themselves, but there are those of us who bust our butts and walk away still looking "fat'. It's kind of sad.
Author Content Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 So a woman should stop caring about her health and looks once she's married? We should only put in effort till we snag a guy? Really? Some women want to look hot for our husbands and for OURSELVES (yes it's not all for men.) When did i say this? She works out and shes not fat shes just not rail skinny but the fact that she isnt shouldnt consume her life when she has a loving husband whos attracted to her is all that should matter
Feelin Frisky Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 If you had to "put your face on" just to be considered normal, you'd probably understand more. Women grow up with a lot of pressures about their appearances that men don't experience. And, women are far more expressive about weight issues than guys. But I have weight issues and although I don't cry at the mention, I have to deal with "issues" every day if not every other minute to keep the beastly addiction from turning each meal into a non-stop oink-fest. If you're not afflicted with weight issues, thank your lucky stars for that. You don't know how bad it is for so many people, men and women. And just because someone is thin does not mean that they have gotten a free ride. To them they just are always less than ideal and that worries them.
Jane2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Yeah, weight is a big deal to women. I know it is to me. (I'm single). My older sister has been married for over ten years, and she worries about her weight. But with her, she's successful; she's very thin. But she wants to get a boob job soon. And I wonder...why? You've got a man. I'm newly single (was in a relationship for five years up until May 2010), and I worried about my weight even while I was in a relationship, also. I worry about it now, too. I work out a lot too and feel like I should be thinner than I am (for as much as I work out). And I do watch what I eat...big time. Again, for as much as I work out and watch my intake, I feel like I should be super slim, but I'm just sort of just right there (decent size without being fat). Weight is a big deal to me. It has been all my life...
paddington bear Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 But this women is in a loving marriage with a guy who adores her,and while shes not skinny shes not fat She should only care what he thinks of her Yes, one would think that would be enough, but it's your work colleagues assessing you, it's being bombarded by advertisements with fabulous looking women with perfect figures every day, it's women's magazines, it is bitchy other women making nasty remarks, it is fear of getting even fatter, it is going clothes shopping and realising that nothing looks good on you and on and on and on.
Author Content Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 If you had to "put your face on" just to be considered normal, you'd probably understand more. Women grow up with a lot of pressures about their appearances that men don't experience. And, women are far more expressive about weight issues than guys. But I have weight issues and although I don't cry at the mention, I have to deal with "issues" every day if not every other minute to keep the beastly addiction from turning each meal into a non-stop oink-fest. If you're not afflicted with weight issues, thank your lucky stars for that. You don't know how bad it is for so many people, men and women. And just because someone is thin does not mean that they have gotten a free ride. To them they just are always less than ideal and that worries them. We all have insecurites or "flaws" im only 5'8 and have been ripped by women for it,hell the women who cried let it be known shes only attracted to Tall Men doesnt bother me not everyone is gonna be attracted to us we need to move on If youre in a loving marriage the opinion of your mate should be the only one you take seriously
Yer_Blues Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Weight has defined me my entire life, and I'm male. It's not exclusive to females for this to become an issue with self image.
Feelin Frisky Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 ...If youre in a loving marriage the opinion of your mate should be the only one you take seriously Yavol mein comandante. People should all come with exact hardware and software to do everything to the letter of the social order so there will be no whining or Love Shacks to talk about it. People, however, are not "created" machines which roll out of heaven on a conveyor belt. We come out in a bag of guts one by one like other ANIMALS. Therefore people don't have any original software and everything they eventually develop as perception is a result of their unique experiences. It is thus an exercise in perhaps wishful thinking to assert that everyone conform to a specification like the one you said. People will routinely take ALL impressions of others toward them as somehow meaningful and have many many feelings based upon that unique experience. Those with both weight issues and self esteem issues will feel this far more than those who do not. And gender also figures in the equation.
Enchanted Girl Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 If you had to "put your face on" just to be considered normal, you'd probably understand more. Women grow up with a lot of pressures about their appearances that men don't experience. And, women are far more expressive about weight issues than guys. But I have weight issues and although I don't cry at the mention, I have to deal with "issues" every day if not every other minute to keep the beastly addiction from turning each meal into a non-stop oink-fest. If you're not afflicted with weight issues, thank your lucky stars for that. You don't know how bad it is for so many people, men and women. And just because someone is thin does not mean that they have gotten a free ride. To them they just are always less than ideal and that worries them. I agree 100%! This is absolutely the case. And it's not just about men, it's about other women too. You have no idea how many times a friend that was skinnier than me raised their eyebrows in judgment me as I've done something like reach for a piece of pizza in front of them. My best friend is my best friend and I love her to death, but she's really thin and always telling me how I need to lose weight to keep my man and to be healthier and happier and how she lost all this weight and is skinny and how I can do the same thing. And how I NEED to do it. Women put a whole lot of pressure on each other about appearance. A lot of prettier women, in fact, go around and constantly lecture less pretty women on how to do their make-up better, hair better, that they should start waxing their body instead of shaving it, and etc., etc. I've received a lot of these lectures from other women who are "helping" me, but in reality, actually putting me down because I am not as good of looking as them and not living up to the standard I am supposed to. We also compare ourselves to other women a lot and believe that we need to look like Jessica Alba or Megan Fox or someone to keep our man's eyes from wandering. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to look better to even just keep the person we've got! We don't want to lose them. And you'll hear a lot of men (on this forum and elsewhere) agreeing that a woman needs to take care of her appearance if she expects to keep a man. And men do make comments at us that aren't our husbands. There's no way for me to say whether that was an innocent comment or not because I wasn't there. Regardless, I remember when I worked at McDonald's and my pastor told me that I better not eat there too much or I wouldn't be attractive any longer to my boyfriend at the time! As if that was his business to say. He thought he was being innocent and saying nothing, but that's a lot because people in society think it's okay to put high standards of beauty on women and make them feel that their worth only comes from that. It's stressful. None of us are actually good looking enough to live up to it and that's why we are very sensitive about weight and anything else to do with our appearance. It's like woggle said. A lot of men feel their worth is in how much money they make and women find worth in their looks. When anyone even hints at the fact that something is wrong with us, it makes us feel worthless.
Yer_Blues Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I dunno, I questioned the veracity of a 300 pounder blaming her "issues" on a sugar addiction and got an infraction. No one wants to just admit they stuffed everything within arms reach into their gob and it made them fat. Admit it and move on for f*ck sake. Also, drop that cupcake. Yes, they woke up one day and decided they wanted to just eat everything and be enormous, disrespected, unlovable, unhealthy, excluded, and then die early. Now I'm probably on the same page as you on the core issue of not "blaming" one's condition on comforting nonsense that helps people not initiate positive change for themselves. I don't think it would be beneficial to entertain such notions. However, obesity is a hell of a lot more complicated and intertwined with a million different circumstances than you would like to believe. It's not this simplistic notion of deciding to eat like a pig because you are a generally weak and ****ty person. It functions in a very similar way to other addictions. And **** the definition of addiction to be honest. Any educated person knows that physical withdrawals are not the only viciously circular trap that people find themselves in. Deeply ingrained habits with no physical withdrawal can still have an agonizing effect when discontinued. Who is the authority who judged physical withdrawal to be more unpleasant than mental withdrawal symptoms when both physical stimuli and mental experience contribute to our experience of consciousness. You can put yourself above others who can't "drop a cupcake" when you discontinue any and all coping mechanisms in your life.
Feelin Frisky Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I agree 100%! This is absolutely the case. And it's not just about men, it's about other women too. You have no idea how many times a friend that was skinnier than me raised their eyebrows in judgment me as I've done something like reach for a piece of pizza in front of them. My best friend is my best friend and I love her to death, but she's really thin and always telling me how I need to lose weight to keep my man and to be healthier and happier and how she lost all this weight and is skinny and how I can do the same thing. And how I NEED to do it. Women put a whole lot of pressure on each other about appearance. A lot of prettier women, in fact, go around and constantly lecture less pretty women on how to do their make-up better, hair better, that they should start waxing their body instead of shaving it, and etc., etc. I've received a lot of these lectures from other women who are "helping" me, but in reality, actually putting me down because I am not as good of looking as them and not living up to the standard I am supposed to. We also compare ourselves to other women a lot and believe that we need to look like Jessica Alba or Megan Fox or someone to keep our man's eyes from wandering. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to look better to even just keep the person we've got! We don't want to lose them. And you'll hear a lot of men (on this forum and elsewhere) agreeing that a woman needs to take care of her appearance if she expects to keep a man. And men do make comments at us that aren't our husbands. There's no way for me to say whether that was an innocent comment or not because I wasn't there. Regardless, I remember when I worked at McDonald's and my pastor told me that I better not eat there too much or I wouldn't be attractive any longer to my boyfriend at the time! As if that was his business to say. He thought he was being innocent and saying nothing, but that's a lot because people in society think it's okay to put high standards of beauty on women and make them feel that their worth only comes from that. It's stressful. None of us are actually good looking enough to live up to it and that's why we are very sensitive about weight and anything else to do with our appearance. It's like woggle said. A lot of men feel their worth is in how much money they make and women find worth in their looks. When anyone even hints at the fact that something is wrong with us, it makes us feel worthless. It's good to hear this from the woman's view. Nobody knows (men) what women really face and think. I'm sensitive to it. I used to go to OA (overeaters anonymous) and was one of the few men in a huge female community. I wasn't there hunting tang--I was there because I was slipping on my food issues. But it was cool to be there because the OA meeting I frequented was in a poshy part of NYC where there were lots of beautiful women who were secretly challenged by all the concerns you expressed. Forgive me for saying so, but I wanted to pet most of them and tell them everything is going to be all right (not feel them up, but just give reassuring hugs and strokes. A few actually let me, but one at a time and not in the meetings:p).
NoLongerSad Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I was with a group of friends hanging out at a lounge and a friend made a comment to one of the guys wife that she misnterpreted as saying she was fat and she flipped out started crying and the whole night was angry Shes not skinny but i wouldnt say shes fat at all either but she kept saying how she wants to desperately be really skinny and constantly works out and it hurts that shes not blah blah blah Why are women so obsessed with this? I can see single women trying to attract Men being a bit paranoid about weight even though i know Men who like all types of women but i can see where theyre coming from, but why on earth are women who are in sucessful loving relationships and marriages still consumed by this? It seems women are always worried about being universally attractive to Men or trying to live up to some media standard. We all have our insecurities but women and weight seme to be the most touchy subject which i can usnerstand to a point but if youre in a loving marriage with somebody whos attracted to you why do you need the whole world to be attracted to you or why worry about it? That's what you get for chewing the fat with some people.
catgotyourtongue Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Bottom line: We have been conditioned as women, over time, and incessantly that the thinner you are, the better you look, the more appealing you are, to men, of course, to potential careers, jobs, etc etc etc. Media tells us daily how NOT GOOD ENOUGH we are Media tells us to cover the flaws, media goes hog wild when a star either gains, or looses a lot of weight. We as women, have been conditioned to tear ourselves apart and not feel thin enough, pretty enough etc. ALSO there are a lot of self esteem issues at hand. Just because a woman is married, in love and HER HUBBY thinks she is beautiful, does not at all mean or equal HER feeling she is beautiful as she is. That's the huge misconception. 100 men, women, strangers could tell a woman she looks hot, pretty, thin, etc but unless that woman believes it about herself, it does not matter. I am thin, fit and people tell me I am pretty. That's all fine and good. But what do "I" think about me?? That's the issue. Sometimes I feel very attractive, some days I feel very average, and some days i just look like sh* IN MY opinion. If on a shi** day where I look terrible, someone tells me "hey you look great" it matters none. It's how I feel abt me that sort of leads to that insecurity. Does that help explain it a little? I am not trying to sound mean or harsh, just show you that so much of what people think about themselves is not necessarily how others see it. AND women are sensitive, for sure. Especially around weight. You rarely see a very good looking or fit man with a large woman. You will certainly see many average looking men with beautiful, fit women. It's double standard...but men are hard wired to care about looks first and foremost....it is the way it is.
ivalm Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 [sic] We also compare ourselves to other women a lot and believe that we need to look like Jessica Alba or Megan Fox or someone to keep our man's eyes from wandering. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to look better to even just keep the person we've got! We don't want to lose them. And you'll hear a lot of men (on this forum and elsewhere) agreeing that a woman needs to take care of her appearance if she expects to keep a man. [sic] He thought he was being innocent and saying nothing, but that's a lot because people in society think it's okay to put high standards of beauty on women and make them feel that their worth only comes from that. It's stressful. None of us are actually good looking enough to live up to it and that's why we are very sensitive about weight and anything else to do with our appearance. It's like woggle said. A lot of men feel their worth is in how much money they make and women find worth in their looks. When anyone even hints at the fact that something is wrong with us, it makes us feel worthless. Oh come on. I don't want to be mean but this discussion is silly. In the US 64.1% of all women older than 20 are OVERWEIGHT. Indeed, 35.5% are OBESE! In much of the world (and it used to be in the US) the percent of overweight individuals is less that 30%. What does this tell us? Despite pressure from society, women in the US DO NOT take care of themselves. Yes, some develop psychological pathologies and become bulimic/anorexic but most happily eat, eat, and don't exercise. Women in the US are not obsessed with being skinny, they are obsessed with talking about being skinny. I have no sympathy for that. It's not hard to have a healthy weight (body mass index greater than 18 but less than 25). Two or three generations ago most people had a healthy weight. IV
catgotyourtongue Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 COULD NOT AGREE MORE So true and thanks for showing that point. My reply I focused on media, and men, but it's so true about other women. I agree 100%! This is absolutely the case. And it's not just about men, it's about other women too. You have no idea how many times a friend that was skinnier than me raised their eyebrows in judgment me as I've done something like reach for a piece of pizza in front of them. My best friend is my best friend and I love her to death, but she's really thin and always telling me how I need to lose weight to keep my man and to be healthier and happier and how she lost all this weight and is skinny and how I can do the same thing. And how I NEED to do it. Women put a whole lot of pressure on each other about appearance. A lot of prettier women, in fact, go around and constantly lecture less pretty women on how to do their make-up better, hair better, that they should start waxing their body instead of shaving it, and etc., etc. I've received a lot of these lectures from other women who are "helping" me, but in reality, actually putting me down because I am not as good of looking as them and not living up to the standard I am supposed to. We also compare ourselves to other women a lot and believe that we need to look like Jessica Alba or Megan Fox or someone to keep our man's eyes from wandering. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to look better to even just keep the person we've got! We don't want to lose them. And you'll hear a lot of men (on this forum and elsewhere) agreeing that a woman needs to take care of her appearance if she expects to keep a man. And men do make comments at us that aren't our husbands. There's no way for me to say whether that was an innocent comment or not because I wasn't there. Regardless, I remember when I worked at McDonald's and my pastor told me that I better not eat there too much or I wouldn't be attractive any longer to my boyfriend at the time! As if that was his business to say. He thought he was being innocent and saying nothing, but that's a lot because people in society think it's okay to put high standards of beauty on women and make them feel that their worth only comes from that. It's stressful. None of us are actually good looking enough to live up to it and that's why we are very sensitive about weight and anything else to do with our appearance. It's like woggle said. A lot of men feel their worth is in how much money they make and women find worth in their looks. When anyone even hints at the fact that something is wrong with us, it makes us feel worthless.
ivalm Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 That's almost sig worthy, sir or madam. It is sir and you have my permission, I won't be needing royalties.
catgotyourtongue Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 I was speaking in general trying to show the OP why some women would feel this way. It was not really abt my personal anger or obsession abt what media does, I was actually, sincerely, trying to help OP see why this problem is so prevalent. As for me, yup, I fall into the trap. I look pretty good and feel ok sometimes and not others, I am ok with that now. But it took many years..many. And you can't really avoid the media, I can't at least. So if I avoid all movies, all tv, plug my ears from all conversations that are abt women and looks/weight and go live on an Island in east bum f* where there is no media, I should okay? lol. Really. Cool, I will pack my bags and wear my string bikini, and bring a sh*load of cupcakes and treats since no one will see me. AND yes I do care WAY too much abt my looks and size, no doubt, and it's a struggle and can be an obsession. I hate that I care this much. Believe me. It can be a self imposed prison, but the sh* hits you in the face all the time....therefor, I care about what I look like. In body, mind, spirit it is how I roll. I care abt being best me I can be...flaws and all. I DO agree that it is an individuals choice to either watch or not watch things that support, lead to what we are talking about. And um, yeah I work in media, so there is no escape..lol. So -you run along and go on a treasure hunt for me okay. You find me 5 hot, fit, sexy men that want to date an average looking 250 pound woman, and I will buy you a cup of coffee and a nice pastry. We live in this world...it is what it is... Me does think (lol) you are very much oversimplifying it....truly So if "the media" is engaged in this behavior stop supporting it. Stop reading or viewing things that engage in this. I have no idea about "media goes hog wild" because I don't watch that insipid crap. If everyone would stop, they would go bust.
AD1980 Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Its funny women say confidence is the #1 thing they look for in a Man and a man insecure or whning about his looks or anything in life is a turn off yet tons of women have little confidence and are obsessed with things like this If not being super skinny ruuns your life that much try to lose the weight or *gasp* love the way you are Im not gonna hang myself from a building because i dont have a 6 pack
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