Loquacious Miss L. Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Just curious about your thoughts here on LS. How long did you date your SO before you knew he/she was "The One"? What are some ways you knew this? Do you believe in the concept of "The One"? I've been with my boyfriend for almost four months and don't know (yet) if he's "the one" necessarily. He exhibits a lot of the the qualities to have in a mate and I see a future with him but didn't have one of the "I just know" moments when I met him. It could be because of the fact that I've been burned a lot in the past and thought I just "knew" when in fact I was sadly mistaken. Thoughts?
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 Love to know some thoughts....is anyone out there?
yah Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 (edited) How long did you date your SO before you knew he/she was "The One"? Over a year. Its been 15-16 months of dating and just this weekend he dropped the L-bomb and I returned it. For him, saying 'I love you' = 'You are the one.' What are some ways you knew this? I said the L-word right back, after only 10sec of thinking, so that's how I knew. I also realized this weekend that he could be the last guy I ever date. We've been through a few hurdles and we come out stronger each time. We get along. We have different interests and we share them with each other. Somehow, they seem to mesh. We have similar values and goals. Do you believe in the concept of "The One"? No, I think there are many people we could be with but only a handful can make us truly happy. I've been with my boyfriend for almost four months and don't know (yet) if he's "the one" necessarily. He exhibits a lot of the the qualities to have in a mate and I see a future with him but didn't have one of the "I just know" moments when I met him. It could be because of the fact that I've been burned a lot in the past and thought I just "knew" when in fact I was sadly mistaken. I think it depends on what you are comfortable with. For me, I know it takes me awhile longer to adjust to a relationship, so after many months I still didn't know either. For some people, they have to have that 'feeling' quite soon. Frankly, I don't know how I, myself, could have a "I just know" moment at 4 months. Just like with saying the L-word, I am willing to wait it out for a really long time to make sure that is how I feel. That's just me though. Edited January 3, 2011 by yah
Jannah Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I think the concept of "the one" becomes realistic when you look to the future and see the person in it. For it to be 100% accurate though, I believe, is when you are at the person's side, still together, and grew old together.
Knittress Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I haven't had a "The One" experience, I don't think. Sure I've loved people, one of them with all my heart and soul for a number of years - which ended badly... but whatever. But I always had doubts about us (lifestyle stuff). But plenty of Old Marrieds will tell you that there are periods of doubt or second-guessing in any relationship, and I find comfort in that for some reason. (Maybe because I always feared that my feelings were less sincere based on my anxiety over them?) At this point in my life I consider true love to be more akin to a painstakingly constructed work of mutual art than some sort of Christmas miracle. A person is The One because you've decided they're The One, one day at a time. My opinion.
make me believe Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I don't believe in "The One," but I knew I could marry my fiance after a couple of months, once I knew him deeply.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 Thanks a lot everyone. So I guess it's all chalked up to personal experience. I have just been puttin pressure on myself to figure it out now when in the grand scheme of things I don't really have to right now.
Eeyore79 Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 I don't think I believe in "The One". Nobody is perfect, me included - you will always have to make some compromises and accept some things which aren't ideal, no matter who you're with. The trick is to find someone who's reasonably close to perfect, where the compromises required are ones you're willing to make. It takes time to get to know someone well enough to assess what they're like, figure out what compromises are required, and decide whether you're willing to make them - I think it takes at least a year. Take me as an example. I have some health issues which my bf happily deals with, but he wouldn't date me if I had kids. I don't mind him being 50 pounds overweight, but I wouldn't date him if he wasn't smart and decent. Some other guys wouldn't want to deal with my health issues, and some other girls would be turned off by his weight, but we accept each other - we each compromise on some things in order to be with a person who is great in other ways. Love is not about finding perfection; it's about accepting someone's flaws and loving them anyway. I think it takes a lot of self-knowledge to understand what you're looking for in another person, what you're prepared to compromise on and what you're not. Loving someone isn't just about getting to know them, it's also about getting to know yourself and what you can/can't compromise on.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 Eeyore: Well said, I think that's realistic and well thought out. Thanks.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 I really like your responses. There's a lot of truth to them and makes me think that I'm right on track.
pandagirl Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 I've never had that experience, though i have been in love. But I can only imagine that it's when you realize that you life is way better with them in it, than without them.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 Hey that's a great mentality!
prettybaby Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 How long did you date your SO before you knew he/she was "The One"? I knew as soon as I saw him for the first time. And the first date only confirmed it. What are some ways you knew this? I have no idea. It just hit us. We saw each other and it's like the world around us froze and time stood still. We looked at each other and it's like we instantly knew. Do you believe in the concept of "The One"? Yes. As for the person who said that no one is perfect and that every relatsionhip is made of compromises: well yes, of course. He has flaws and so do I.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 Thanks for your perspective! That's awesome you got to experience that!
Eeyore79 Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I just feel that if you go around thinking there's a "One" out there, you'll never be satisfied with a happy relationship where you both have to make some compromises. Any minor issue will make you walk away because this person isn't perfect, isn't "The One", and if you're looking for a relationship in which both of you are absolutely perfect you'll be looking for an extremely long time! Thinking that perfection exists out there somewhere will prevent you from being happy with what you've got and making a relationship work, because if you have to make it work then it isn't perfect, and therefore that person isn't "The One"! Real relationships require effort and compromise, and I think ideas about "The One" result in a disinclination to make that effort.
Knittress Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 ^ strongly agree. I'm not poo-pooing the idea of cosmic connection, I just don't think winning the lottery means any less because you didn't have a 'hunch' beforehand.
Isolde Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 (edited) But I can only imagine that it's when you realize that you life is way better with them in it, than without them. I think this is a good sign. When a relationship adds to your life as a whole and not just fills in the relationship aspect of it. It's hard to describe, but you definitely recognize it when it happens. I think it makes sense to believe in the One when you start to actually build a life together--in that sense I can see why people use the term. But it's untrue that everyone only has one chance. That would be depressing! Edited January 5, 2011 by Isolde
prettybaby Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 if you go around thinking there's a "One" out there, you'll never be satisfied with a happy relationship where you both have to make some compromises. I completely disagree. Feeling like you have found "the one" doesn't automatically rule out compromises and efforts to keep the relationship running smoothly. The concept of "the one" and dealing with your relationship in a realistic manner are perfectly compatible. Any minor issue will make you walk away because this person isn't perfect, isn't "The One" Not at all. It's actually an extra motivation to make it work. and if you're looking for a relationship in which both of you are absolutely perfect you'll be looking for an extremely long time! But perfection isn't the goal. No one here said that "the one" has to be a perfect human being. We all have flaws. Thinking that perfection exists out there somewhere will prevent you from being happy with what you've got and making a relationship work, because if you have to make it work then it isn't perfect, and therefore that person isn't "The One"! Again, perfection isn't the goal. and I think ideas about "The One" result in a disinclination to make that effort. Again, it's the opposite.
Jazzari Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I knew he was "the one" before I even met or spoke to him. I saw him across the room and it was just a shock of recognition. The first thought that popped into my head was "omg, that's the guy I'm going to marry". And at that point I was neither looking nor wanted a relationship. There are no words to describe it. I just knew without the tiniest shred of doubt. We were married for 18 years before he died in a car accident. The relationship was not perfect and in fact, we really weren't that good a match in terms of common interests. But the love was solid steel and made it all worthwhile. And I knew from that very first sight that he was it. I've just started dating someone and I had a similar feeling about him, but its like a faint shadow compared to that shock of recognition I felt for my husband. I'm going to stick with it and see where it goes.
Recommended Posts