chise Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Hi, I was thinking during the holidays and I decide I do not want to waste my time with someone who does not make me feel important and special. But he is really not helping. We started a long distance affair and we felt in love. We saw each other in different places and he was always desperate to see me. Then suddenly he started to feel guilty and become distant. I never wanted him to leave his wife, I just wanted what we used to have when i was the best girl on earth. Nevertheless we kept in contact - mainly because i contacted him - and he was all the time saying he wanted to see me and he wanted to be with me. We met again and I got the guilty speech again but we were happy together. Then again, I want to see you, then distant ... He is all the time talking about our friendship and how much he values this but .. he is NOT my friend. I have real friends but he is the person I am in love with. So I decide that i need to move on. I cannot stand his new inconsistent behavior and the fact that it seems i have to put all the effort here. And at the beginning he was the one saying: this abstinence from you is driving me crazy ... I stop contacting him and ... he contacted me on NYE: "Happy new year silly. What are you going to do tonight ? Are you back in france ? I am going to blah blah ..". I was sad. I replied a brief "Happy new year. I am partying in ... Enjoy your night". If he feels so guilty why he is not leaving me alone ?? Should I talk to him or just continue not contacting him until he gets the hint ? Thanks for your replies. I am a bit lost
half_ofa_heart Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Hi, I was thinking during the holidays and I decide I do not want to waste my time with someone who does not make me feel important and special. But he is really not helping. We started a long distance affair and we felt in love. We saw each other in different places and he was always desperate to see me. Then suddenly he started to feel guilty and become distant. I never wanted him to leave his wife, I just wanted what we used to have when i was the best girl on earth. Nevertheless we kept in contact - mainly because i contacted him - and he was all the time saying he wanted to see me and he wanted to be with me. We met again and I got the guilty speech again but we were happy together. Then again, I want to see you, then distant ... He is all the time talking about our friendship and how much he values this but .. he is NOT my friend. I have real friends but he is the person I am in love with. So I decide that i need to move on. I cannot stand his new inconsistent behavior and the fact that it seems i have to put all the effort here. And at the beginning he was the one saying: this abstinence from you is driving me crazy ... I stop contacting him and ... he contacted me on NYE: "Happy new year silly. What are you going to do tonight ? Are you back in france ? I am going to blah blah ..". I was sad. I replied a brief "Happy new year. I am partying in ... Enjoy your night". If he feels so guilty why he is not leaving me alone ?? Should I talk to him or just continue not contacting him until he gets the hint ? Thanks for your replies. I am a bit lost Not sure how long your A was/is but my advice to ANYONE is run while you still have some dignity. It just gets worse with time. Block him from as many methods of communication as possible. I know for myself, if my MM would just leave me alone when I initiate NC, I know I'd be able to move on. Not saying it would be easy but I bet I could do it. I just CAN'T seem to do it with his constant pleas to see me and/or talk to me. Good luck and try your hardest to be strong and stay away. He sounds like he can't seem to figure out what he wants. Best of luck to you and Happy New Year.
BB07 Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 He is playing a cat and mouse game with you and you are the mouse. He puts the cheese out and you bite. It's not a pretty picture is it? He is disrespecting you and using you when he WANTS to, your feelings are not on his radar. He is milking the guilt thing to control you so you'll be available when he WANTS you to be, no more, no less. Real friends don't use you nor would they hurt you. He is using the friend card so you'll hear the words he says and not look at the ****ty way he is treating you. I'm sorry to be harsh, but you deserve better than disrespect and letting someone else call the shots. Either figure out if this is enough for you (and it doesn't sound like it is) and be happy with it or get out. Getting out means......Stop talking to him, ignore his calls, disappear, don't respond. He is a selfish self serving asshat, he is showing you but you aren't seeing it clearly yet. Don't you deserve more?
silverplanets Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Hi, I was thinking during the holidays and I decide I do not want to waste my time with someone who does not make me feel important and special. But he is really not helping. We started a long distance affair and we felt in love. We saw each other in different places and he was always desperate to see me. Then suddenly he started to feel guilty and become distant. I never wanted him to leave his wife, I just wanted what we used to have when i was the best girl on earth. Nevertheless we kept in contact - mainly because i contacted him - and he was all the time saying he wanted to see me and he wanted to be with me. We met again and I got the guilty speech again but we were happy together. Then again, I want to see you, then distant ... He is all the time talking about our friendship and how much he values this but .. he is NOT my friend. I have real friends but he is the person I am in love with. So I decide that i need to move on. I cannot stand his new inconsistent behavior and the fact that it seems i have to put all the effort here. And at the beginning he was the one saying: this abstinence from you is driving me crazy ... I stop contacting him and ... he contacted me on NYE: "Happy new year silly. What are you going to do tonight ? Are you back in france ? I am going to blah blah ..". I was sad. I replied a brief "Happy new year. I am partying in ... Enjoy your night". If he feels so guilty why he is not leaving me alone ?? Should I talk to him or just continue not contacting him until he gets the hint ? Thanks for your replies. I am a bit lost Hi Chise, Sorry you are in this situation, but good for you for wanting better for yourself. Thoughts, in no particular order: a) First para I bolded ... you not contacting him was always bound to cause him to contact you unless you specifically told him that you were ceasing contact deliberately and that you specifically wanted no more contact from him. Likewise, why was there a need to mention that you were at a party in a reply ... or even reply at all ... replying to someone that you are fine and at a party is perfectly likely to inflame them/hurt them/make them jealous ... and effectively that just keeps the cycle going (they then do the ssame back to you etc etc) b) If you want him to leave you alone then you need to stop wondering about him and just tell him that your wishes are that he leave you alone and then you need to bow out of the communications drama completely You honestly don't need to do any more. If he can't control himself then you need to take a non-drama view of his behaviour ... he is responsible for it. If he can't take your no (and provided you are not encouraging it) then the law has things to say about harassement etc (and so would his wife). Given that you are where you are (ie I don't get the impression that you have specifcally and clearly told him to leave you alone) then it would seem to me that (provided you are deadly serious about it) that you communicate such to him in the appropriate form. No matter what has gone before you have a right to be left alone if that is what you wish ... and if you tell him that and he doesn't respect that then, ulimately, there are as I said, laws that will curtail his behaviour for him. Hope this helps in some practical way (I realise it's of no help with the emotions you will be feeling) but it seemed to me you wanted practical advice.
YellowShark Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 You are his ego boost chise. Nothing more. When you answer him or sleep with him his ego gets a boost. And that's it. Additionally IMHO you are in love with who you think he is, not who he really is. When he was with you I bet it was all roses and sex, but at the end of the day he goes home to his wife... and gets in bed with her. So it's up to you to decide what you want from your life chise. To provide this man with sex and his ego boost... or to find a man who really cares about you, and makes you feel important and special. Best of luck.
Fight4Me Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Hi, I was thinking during the holidays and I decide I do not want to waste my time with someone who does not make me feel important and special. But he is really not helping. We started a long distance affair and we felt in love. We saw each other in different places and he was always desperate to see me. Then suddenly he started to feel guilty and become distant. I never wanted him to leave his wife, I just wanted what we used to have when i was the best girl on earth. Nevertheless we kept in contact - mainly because i contacted him - and he was all the time saying he wanted to see me and he wanted to be with me. We met again and I got the guilty speech again but we were happy together. Then again, I want to see you, then distant ... He is all the time talking about our friendship and how much he values this but .. he is NOT my friend. I have real friends but he is the person I am in love with. So I decide that i need to move on. I cannot stand his new inconsistent behavior and the fact that it seems i have to put all the effort here. And at the beginning he was the one saying: this abstinence from you is driving me crazy ... I stop contacting him and ... he contacted me on NYE: "Happy new year silly. What are you going to do tonight ? Are you back in france ? I am going to blah blah ..". I was sad. I replied a brief "Happy new year. I am partying in ... Enjoy your night". If he feels so guilty why he is not leaving me alone ?? Should I talk to him or just continue not contacting him until he gets the hint ? Thanks for your replies. I am a bit lost The part that I bolded stood out to me. You need to ask yourself if it is really him you miss or the feeling you used to have earlier when the A started. This is key because, let's face it, it's what every woman wants to feel, and it can be an enormous draw even in unhealthy relationships. If you truly want NC, you need to tell him (short and sweet) that you do not wish to have any more contact from him because you now recognize it's an unhealthy situation. I don't think going NC and hoping he gets the hint will work. You will always be plagued with lame fishing attempts. Block his number, his email address, and go dark. I echo what others have said... good for you for wanting more for yourself. You will find the one who is willing to move heaven and earth for you, but you have to let this dud go first. I wish you all the best.
Owl Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 If you truly want NC, you need to tell him (short and sweet) that you do not wish to have any more contact from him because you now recognize it's an unhealthy situation. I don't think going NC and hoping he gets the hint will work. You will always be plagued with lame fishing attempts. Block his number, his email address, and go dark. Agree with this completely. Guys don't "get" hints. Especially when the "hint" is telling them something that they don't want to hear. Tell him it's over. Then SHOW him it's over by blocking his email/texts/calls/etc...
Author chise Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 Thank you ! I know this is not what i want and i try to walk away keeping some dignity. The affair is/was lasting nine months. I agree he is conflicted and treating me without too much respect and i was permitting it. I do not care about his reasons, I stopped figuring out him and making excuses for him. This is not how I want to be treated. He is not my friend either. I am sure he loves me and he maybe thinks we are friends but the reality is we talk because we are romantically involved. Just that. I always thought I should be a big person and i always considered disappearing acts as coward and selfish. I think we should give an explanation and closure BUT this time i will just walk away. I cannot afford ridicule myself showing my feelings or start a new debate about our situation. I really want out this time, wish me luck it is going to be hard
half_ofa_heart Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Thank you ! I know this is not what i want and i try to walk away keeping some dignity. The affair is/was lasting nine months. I agree he is conflicted and treating me without too much respect and i was permitting it. I do not care about his reasons, I stopped figuring out him and making excuses for him. This is not how I want to be treated. He is not my friend either. I am sure he loves me and he maybe thinks we are friends but the reality is we talk because we are romantically involved. Just that. I always thought I should be a big person and i always considered disappearing acts as coward and selfish. I think we should give an explanation and closure BUT this time i will just walk away. I cannot afford ridicule myself showing my feelings or start a new debate about our situation. I really want out this time, wish me luck it is going to be hard BEST of Luck! It sounds like you are well on your way to victory!!!
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