he is a good man, had a dark habit (his safe place) I'm looking for acceptance

[cmb220]

I am married to the most wonderful man I have ever known and I do not say this lightly. He is romantic, generous, responsible and shows a great deal of respect to his friends and family. He is quiet and somewhat shy yet extremely intelligent. Everyone who knows him thinks the world of him. Like he can do no wrong. He's the type that most would call "the nice guy" where he has tons of female friends yet none that would

show him romantic interest as they adore him as their friend first. I've known him for over two years. We met on a photography site where we uploaded pictures of our nature photography and so on.

 

He had been single for roughly 7-8 years. His last and only love was a two year relationship that ended with her breaking off their engagement and aborting their baby. Supposedly she had two affairs while they were together and the breakup was because she went back to a previous lover.

 

He (my husband) was devastated for years. His friends and family said it took him about 4-5 years to recover. He dated but never got serious. He said he chose the bad girls because he knew he would not get close to him yet that made him feel worse. He started meeting nice women online through his photography, keep in mind I was one of those women. I was actully the only one that he met in person otherwise the rest had just become close friends with photography in common.

 

Fast forward to now. We were married about two months ago. On Thanksgiving day, a little over a month after our wedding, I woke up and found his computer open on the couch with a page that we had both been looking at the night before. He was bidding on something on Ebay and I could not stay up long enough to see if he won the item. When I walked to the computer I accidentally slid the mouse over a file that was open but minimized that had his bookmarks. There were about a dozen Facebook bookmarks of women he was not friends with on Facebook. I thought maybe they were celebrities or even some porn stars that

he liked. I don't mind him looking at porn. So I wrote the women's names down and did a search on my computer to see who they were. I just thought it was odd that none of them were his friends on Facebook. Why have their pages bookmarked.

 

So anyway, to skip my research details. I saw their pages and they were indeed stunning women. When I confronted him about the links he said it was what he called a "safe place" he built after his ex left him. (he never spoke or chatted with these women. It was visual only) In other words, for years he built this fantasy world using real women, not porn, but a select group of women, some even his photography friends, by stalking their pages for their pictures, saving them in individual folders with each women's name: Alison, April, Mandy.....For years he would save their pictures. He said most of it was used for masturbation material but that at times he would pretend he was having a conversation with them or having dinner with them admitting they were somewhat "virtual girlfriends" He said he didn't think there was anything wrong about it but at the same time said he was slowing down but it was hard to do. Sort of an admission to that fact that there was something indeed not right about it. He said he always thought it was a little weird but not enough so to think a whole lot about it.

 

When I found out, Thanksgiving, he said he had had this conversation with himself, out loud, in the car on his way to work the next day, and that when he said out loud what he had been doing that he could not believe he justified it. He was in shock and said "I am so smart how in the *@#! could I have done this!" Like he suddenly was in complete disgust with himself. Honestly, I can seriously tell he hates himself for this so much so that it's really painful to witness.

 

On the other hand he said he always felt I was going to leave him. Yes, I a responsible for that as I have been hurt so bad in my past as well and I have been on a roller coaster with him, for no reason other than my own fear, since day one. He said this stalking fantasy world was a "safe place" for him.

 

He has apologised, maned up, has taken full responsibility for this unlike anything I have ever seen. I can not believe how empathic and apologetic he has been. His parents found out, he told them on Thanksgiving, and were in shock. Like I said, he has been somewhat of a saint to everyone who knows him......

 

I understand the "safe place" thing but like I said, why not just use porn or even numerous other avenues in collecting photos of beautiful women, Again, the "realness" is what he was looking for. He would never contact them, he said he rarely even read what they wrote, he wanted their pictures....

 

 

Here is what I am dealing with. I feel as if I have forgiven him but I am unable, no matter how hard I try, to accept this. The images of these women haunt me so much. He was stalking and fantasying about them through our entire engagement. The entire time I was here, though he said he slowed down when he felt "safe" with me that I was not going to leave....

 

I have realized I should not have been so insecure about the relationship but I was. I too was scared, I just did not have this "safe place" that he had. Anyway, I am so afraid of my obsessive thoughts. They will not go away. I have a good day then I slip and all I do is think of what he did and how could this specific man, nearly perfect to so many, do this.

My mom and his parents are begging me to move forward. They all agree what he did was wrong but that he is human and we all make mistakes......It is all in my hands now. I just need answers on these things. Please:

 

1. Acceptance

2. Getting rid of the obsessive thoughts (the images of the women and picturing him in the act

of stalking, saving and then having the virtual affairs)

3. True forgiveness (if I have not done so)

 

I am having the hardest time. Thank you so much for listening.

Edited January 3, 2011 by cmb220

[lavendera]

Delete the pictures. Yes, he cheated on you and needs to own that. The only way a marriage will work that has suffered any kind of emotional or physical infidelity is if you are an open book. No secret email accounts. Each of you should know each other's passwords, although once trust is established again, it's not like you would be going there all the time. I think he deserves a chance to redeem himself, and it's going to be a lot of work for him to do that, but if he is serious about rebuilding what you once had, he will go there willingly. Remember that forgiveness is a process. You don't wake up one day and realize that all the hurt you had has dissolved and you've now forgiven. You will never totally forget. Time does tend to heal though, and the images you have in your mind will fade. Above all, you should be able to talk to him about these things until you don't need to talk about it anymore. Until you feel loved again.

[jenifer1972]

Just remember, had he not been caught, he would still be doing it. I would never fully trust a guy like this again. My husband saved a couple of pics of online tramps - I consider that more of a problem than faceless porn. You can still love him, just don't be naive about human nature...

[jenifer1972]

Just remember, had he not been caught, he would still be doing it. I would never fully trust a guy like this again. Hy husband saved a couple of pics of online tramps - I consider that more of a problem than faceless porn. You can still love him, just don't be naive about human nature...

[fltc]

I just need answers on these things. Please:

 

1. Acceptance

2. Getting rid of the obsessive thoughts (the images of the women and picturing him in the act

of stalking, saving and then having the virtual affairs)

3. True forgiveness (if I have not done so)

 

I am having the hardest time. Thank you so much for listening.

 

If 1. and 3. depend on 2. you should know you'll NEVER be completely free of the "obsessive thoughts", mine have endured for 50+ years. You'll have to decide if you can forgive while these thoughts still exist but they will not go away, the images will appear less and less frequently with time but they'll be there for the rest of your life, forgive him or not, with him or without him.

 

Sorry, I wish there was something more cheerful I could say but you may or may not make a better decision knowing the thoughts will persist and they'll continue to be a major stumbling block to forgiveness.

Edited January 3, 2011 by fltc

[cmb220]

Thank you guys. I do want to work through this like I said, he has been

extremely remorseful it's me not being able to deal with it. Those images

and thoughts of it all are so haunting. I wish there were some magic pill to make it all go away.

 

Thanks again.

[PegNosePete]

To be honest it sounds like he has some mental issues.

Looking at porn - well spouses don't like it but usually accept it in moderation.

Keeping pics of real women - again spouses don't like it but often accept it.

Facebook stalking - it's a bit creepy, most spouses would not accept it.

Having conversations with imaginary people - getting into "weirdo" territory here.

Having dinner with a "virtual girlfriend" - W. T. F.??

 

I think he should get into IC ASAP.