kittie s. Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Please push your opinions on me because I need intelligent, experienced advice right now. Before I do something I'm going to regret. My long distance SO and I were just chatting through IM and suddenly he sends a flirty message basically about how he can see me, and that I just got out of the shower (not in so many words but you get the jist) and a "hello baby". He does this sometimes in person with the random comments to make me laugh. I'm really trying hard to think this is one of those situations, but it randomly came into conversation in a chat IM while I was discussing a problem with my car. I was like What?? Who are you talking to and he just laughed and said he was talking to me. He explained he signed into IM on the other computer and was testing it so he decided to send something creepy. If you knew him, this makes compleete sense about the joking around. But I am just so shaken up, I know some of this is because of the long distance too. Insecurities can be multiplied by 100 on bad days. What I need from you is to tell me not to sign into his IM and read his chat history, because I know his password. But I have never signed into his screen name because I trust him and I don't want to be "that" girlfriend. It's just really tempting right now to see if he was talking to anyone else watching them on webcam or any girl in that way at all. So I'm extremely torn right now. Help me please before I make a huge mistake
aerogurl87 Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 If he gave you access to his account to check his messaging history and it's really bothering you, go check it out. I know I would, but that's just me.
eidolon Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Yeah, I'm already "that" girl, and I went so far as to check his e-mail. If it's really killing you, do it. I don't feel all that guilty. I mean, he was corresponding with another girl, so that might be why. So if you're around 85% sure he was talking to someone, check (harhar, arbitrary number).
folieadeux Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Your SO sounds exactly like mine; he does random stuff like this all the time too. If you really have a good sense of his personality like you say you do, it doesn't sound like anything you should be concerned with. Given the circumstances of what already happened, I personally wouldn't check up on him. I think that would create a whole different problem and you guys just need to learn to trust each other. Has he ever given you any other reason not to do so? Have you ever accessed each other's accounts before without the other's knowledge? I fear that once this is done, you may feel the need to do it all the time, which is worse.
Els Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 *shrugs* I see nothing wrong with checking up if someone did something suspicious, really. Otherwise it's just going to eat at you. This is completely different from being a crazy obsessive stalker who goes through her bf's history everyday for no reason whatsoever.
Author kittie s. Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 folieadeux: That's exactly what I was thinking about earlier. He jokes like this a lot, and we've been getting along perfectly fine. I'm just going to trust that it was one of those goofy times. I have a good friend who started checking her boyfriend's email one time..I told her she needed to just talk to him and not do that. It ended up being a neverending cycle. She would check it constantly and I thought that was an awful thing to do. Needless to say, they were in a relationship for years and broke up after this started. It's not honest or trustworthy, and people get caught up in those types of things. Once you check it one time, you're going to feel guilty about it or you're going to start doing it all the time. It'd just make me feel so guilty. Then I would have to explain what I did which would also make him feel betrayed that I would do that. I questioned him when it happened and I just have to trust that he's telling the truth because I have no good reason to believe he isn't.
folieadeux Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 folieadeux: That's exactly what I was thinking about earlier. He jokes like this a lot, and we've been getting along perfectly fine. I'm just going to trust that it was one of those goofy times. I have a good friend who started checking her boyfriend's email one time..I told her she needed to just talk to him and not do that. It ended up being a neverending cycle. She would check it constantly and I thought that was an awful thing to do. Needless to say, they were in a relationship for years and broke up after this started. It's not honest or trustworthy, and people get caught up in those types of things. Once you check it one time, you're going to feel guilty about it or you're going to start doing it all the time. It'd just make me feel so guilty. Then I would have to explain what I did which would also make him feel betrayed that I would do that. I questioned him when it happened and I just have to trust that he's telling the truth because I have no good reason to believe he isn't. Your friend's situation is exactly the point I was trying to drive home. Some people don't have issues with doing this in a relationship, but it's definitely a risk for sure. I've never had the need to check up on my SO and couldn't imagine doing this, but to each their own. I'm glad everything worked out.
creighton0123 Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Umm... depending on the client you're using, his history will be stored on his computer and no other system. Yahoo, AIM, and ICQ (if people still use that service) store locally. Skype stores on a server and gChat stores in email. Either way, it's up to you whether to check his chat history. If you find something you're not expecting, expect a negative response from him if you approach him with it. Either way, you shouldn't be spending sooo much time using IM if it's avoidable. Switch to webcam for face-to-face/voice-to-voice communication.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 i know how you're feeling and i used to be that girl. my bf that time was a real flirt so there was a reason for me not to trust him. i have learned a lot from that relationship. i don't snoop around on my partner's account anymore. i don't even ask for his password or anything. when he came here to visit me, he left his email open on my laptop but i did not bother to check who is he talking with and what not. cuz you know, you will feel it. if your SO is into you, you won't feel that you are being cheated on. i would admit though that it was quite tempting to take a peek. but who ends up hurting if i see that he's talking to someone? with that being said, i just made it known to him that i have zero tolerance for cheating. i told him that if he cheated on me and decided to end up the affair he either should leave me and spare from the hurt by not telling me the details of what he did or stay in our relationship, say nothing, fix it and not ever do it again. of course if i feel something is not right, i would rather confront him about it. but in our case, i don't feel like he's cheating or doing something behind my back. i can feel his love and there's no reason for me to be constantly paranoid.
Author kittie s. Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 Yeah, I knew if I had gone through with it, it would've been rather destructive for our relationship. After posting what I did here, I felt better. I guess it was like venting to a friend that understands the long distance feelings that come and go with me. Actually, reading how I was worried actually made me laugh. If I could, I'd go back to that day and hit myself, hah!
TokyoG33kyGal Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Yeah, I knew if I had gone through with it, it would've been rather destructive for our relationship. After posting what I did here, I felt better. I guess it was like venting to a friend that understands the long distance feelings that come and go with me. Actually, reading how I was worried actually made me laugh. If I could, I'd go back to that day and hit myself, hah! just be vigilant. i sometimes have irrational reactions as well. like i would also feel like he's chatting with someone while chatting with me. what i do is i take time to dissolve the paranoia. i think about how much time he spends with me on our weekend chats (8 hours and sometimes more) and i would feel better after that. it also helps that you project a positive, carefree attitude. cuz if our SOs did even cheat, it's not for us to carry that "problem"...it just means that they're flawed and cannot see through our efforts. if in your mind you think you are a good catch, then he will think you are a good catch and will never have to find someone else
Author kittie s. Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 Okay I need you to be around here on my bad days lol! What you say is very true about me projecting positivity. I'm going to remind myself of all of these things when I start thinking silly thoughts. Thanks so much!
TokyoG33kyGal Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Okay I need you to be around here on my bad days lol! What you say is very true about me projecting positivity. I'm going to remind myself of all of these things when I start thinking silly thoughts. Thanks so much! haha that's fine, you can shoot me a message just to remind you
chelle21689 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 From experience, I don't think it's a good idea at all. If you feel the need to go through his things thinking you'll find something then that means you don't trust him. I remember myself saying, "Oh yeah I trust him" but would sneak and go through his chat history, phone history, etc. I never was this way when I found something years ago. A picture he sent to a girl (him naked). Ever since that happened, I've never been the same really. Snooping caused our relationship to crumble...it's kind of like eavesdropping on a conversation thinking you know the whole story when you don't and spreading a rumor like wild fire. Anyways, even if you dont' find anything you'll most likely make it a habit of constantly checking it. It's not a good way to live. I just tell my bf not to give me his passwords. Even to his bank account, I kept looking at it and checking through it. Not because of cheating but because I help him manage his money. Seeing what he does with it, how much he spends irks me and we argue about it even though it's not too much of my business but I care about him and if he goes broke.
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