prettybaby Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Background story for those who are new: boyfriend used to be engaged to his brother's wife's sister. So anyway, New Year's dinner was with: - boyfriend & myself - boyfriend's parents - boyfriend's brother, wife, and 2 kids So we were in the middle of dinner, when all of a sudden the little girl (7y/o) gets up and squishes herself between boyfriend & me, and goes to him: "Are you in love with (my name)?" And he goes "Yes, very much". So it was all fun and cute, until she went: "But you used to be with Aunt (her name)". And boyfriend went "Yeah". And she goes "Why aren't you with her anymore? Is she not good enough?". I decided to let it roll and see if anyone was gonna ask her to stop, but nope. Boyfriend answered briefly and told her to finish her dinner. So then came dessert, and again, she got up in the middle of it and came between us and said to him loudly: "You know, if you break up with (myname) then you can get back together with Aunt (her name)". I kept a blank face and didn't react, but obviously, it didn't feel nice to hear that. Even coming from a kid. I'm not sure why she does that. I don't think it's to push my buttons, because I don't react to that stuff. And my boyfriend keeps it pretty cool too. I don't get it. He wonders why she brought it up like that. And I don't know if I should tell her it's rude next time or if I should let it slide.
january2010 Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Kids can and do say all sorts of tactless things. If anything, I'd be a bit upset that her parents didn't nip it in the bud. To me their silence implies approval/support. I think you and your boyfriend did well to keep your cool.
zengirl Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Background story for those who are new: boyfriend used to be engaged to his brother's wife's sister. So anyway, New Year's dinner was with: - boyfriend & myself - boyfriend's parents - boyfriend's brother, wife, and 2 kids So we were in the middle of dinner, when all of a sudden the little girl (7y/o) gets up and squishes herself between boyfriend & me, and goes to him: "Are you in love with (my name)?" And he goes "Yes, very much". So it was all fun and cute, until she went: "But you used to be with Aunt (her name)". And boyfriend went "Yeah". And she goes "Why aren't you with her anymore? Is she not good enough?". I decided to let it roll and see if anyone was gonna ask her to stop, but nope. Boyfriend answered briefly and told her to finish her dinner. So then came dessert, and again, she got up in the middle of it and came between us and said to him loudly: "You know, if you break up with (myname) then you can get back together with Aunt (her name)". I kept a blank face and didn't react, but obviously, it didn't feel nice to hear that. Even coming from a kid. I'm not sure why she does that. I don't think it's to push my buttons, because I don't react to that stuff. And my boyfriend keeps it pretty cool too. I don't get it. He wonders why she brought it up like that. And I don't know if I should tell her it's rude next time or if I should let it slide. It was a little kid. She likes her Uncle, and she likes her Aunt, and she doesn't understand these things. I'd say let it go. It's not your job to discipline, and is it really that big of a deal?
Author prettybaby Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 It was a little kid. She likes her Uncle, and she likes her Aunt, and she doesn't understand these things. I'd say let it go. It's not your job to discipline, and is it really that big of a deal? Obviously, no, it's not that big of a deal. It doesn't influence our relationship. It's just a big wtf moment in the middle of dinner, and was clearly awkward for everyone. I'm just surprised her parents didn't tell her to hush, but what can you do. Part of me can't be bothered to cut her short next time she does it again, which she will.
zengirl Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Obviously, no, it's not that big of a deal. It doesn't influence our relationship. It's just a big wtf moment in the middle of dinner, and was clearly awkward for everyone. I'm just surprised her parents didn't tell her to hush, but what can you do. Part of me can't be bothered to cut her short next time she does it again, which she will. I agree that perhaps her parents need to speak to her. I'm honestly not sure hushing her is helpful to the child---but I approach that from a child development mindset. A little adult discomfort would bother me less than making the child feel attacked or criticized in front of others, for natural kid behavior. Now where I fault them is if (and it doesn't sound like they will, since it seems like it's happened before) they don't speak to her afterward and give some light reasons why it's not a good conversation. Hushing her in front of everyone seems very strict to me when she was obviously not malicious.
Author prettybaby Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 she was obviously not malicious. I don't know if she was or not in this particular case, but generally speaking, she's no angel. She's spoiled rotten. She knows boundaries well, and she knows she gets away with crossing them every single time.
welikeincrowds Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 One time when I was, say, 5 or so, I was at my grandmother's house, playing with my toys, and then I walked up to my mom and told her matter-of-factly that I "****ing hated her". My ass was thrown into the bedroom with the door closed before I could blink. I have at least 15 more of these stories. One time I said to my mother at around the same age, with a tone of great disgust, "You know who you look like?" Of course my aunts in the same room were dying to hear who I thought she looked like, but my mother was quick to the plate as usual and made it very clear that if I told her, I was going to prison. Too bad; now we'll never know! Er, I lost track here. I had a point but I lost sense of it. Anyway, this isn't a situation that warrants discipline. Instead it deserves an explanation. It's possible they agree with the sentiment and used the child as a tool to express themselves (which happens), or its possible that they're too shocked/are clumsy parents. But I can see why they wouldn't want to have shushed her for a number of other reasons, including that perhaps they were trying to keep cool as you were, for the same reasons. To address that issue, realistically, she would have to have the nuance of it explained to her at another time, in an appropriate way. At a tense dinner situation it only opens up the possibility for more questions, and a potentially awkward talking-to-you-through-teaching-her scenario. I mean you'd have to be a pretty phenomenal parent and an overall forgiving person to pull off a combination parenting and out-of-blood-relative Foreign Relations move like that. ****ing kids, man.
elaina Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 (edited) Background story for those who are new: boyfriend used to be engaged to his brother's wife's sister. So anyway, New Year's dinner was with: - boyfriend & myself - boyfriend's parents - boyfriend's brother, wife, and 2 kids So we were in the middle of dinner, when all of a sudden the little girl (7y/o) gets up and squishes herself between boyfriend & me, and goes to him: "Are you in love with (my name)?" And he goes "Yes, very much". So it was all fun and cute, until she went: "But you used to be with Aunt (her name)". And boyfriend went "Yeah". And she goes "Why aren't you with her anymore? Is she not good enough?". I decided to let it roll and see if anyone was gonna ask her to stop, but nope. Boyfriend answered briefly and told her to finish her dinner. So then came dessert, and again, she got up in the middle of it and came between us and said to him loudly: "You know, if you break up with (myname) then you can get back together with Aunt (her name)". I kept a blank face and didn't react, but obviously, it didn't feel nice to hear that. Even coming from a kid. I'm not sure why she does that. I don't think it's to push my buttons, because I don't react to that stuff. And my boyfriend keeps it pretty cool too. I don't get it. He wonders why she brought it up like that. And I don't know if I should tell her it's rude next time or if I should let it slide. No, I wouldn't tell her she's rude. I think this little girl just doesn't understand why two people she loves aren't together like they used to be. Like the movie Parent Trap, she is probably a hopeless little romantic who hopes these two people she loves will reunite, you know? To her, I think being told she is rude wouldn't help. I think that would just hurt her. She is just 7, just a little girl. She doesn't understand yet that sometimes relationships just don't work out like the happily ever afters in Disney princess movies. What probably would help is if you talked to your boyfriend about gently talking to her about it. Also, maybe watching a movie like Enchanted could help with this? If they scare her, the dragon parts can be fast forwarded, but what's realistically great about that movie, is that the Prince and the Princess DON'T get together at the end... they both fall in love with different people! So, watching that movie with her and talking to her about how even though her aunt and your boyfriend are not together, that doesn't mean she's not "good enough"... just that it didn't work out between them and another guy is more than likely going to fall in love with her someday and that will work out better, you know? That's what I would do if I were in a situation... but first ask her parents if she is allowed to watch that movie (it's rated pg). Here's info about it. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0461770/ If she's not allowed, then just sweetly explaining the concepts to her can do her a world of good. Once she begins to understand, than it is possible she will allow her heart to open up to you and accept you, when she realizes doing so doesn't mean betraying her beloved aunt, who she might think still likes your boyfriend, who is her uncle right? Poor kid, to many kids, that would be a confusing situation. Her parents should be the ones to explain this to her, but if they don't, it would help if your boyfriend (her uncle) and you do in a gentle and kind way and a way that wouldn't demean her aunt (her mom's sister) Edited January 3, 2011 by elaina
Author prettybaby Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 ^^ That's all nice and dandy, but they split up long before she was born. Like 15 years ago or so. It's not like she ever saw them as a couple. Her aunt married and had kids years before she was born.
denise_xo Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 ^^ That's all nice and dandy, but they split up long before she was born. Like 15 years ago or so. It's not like she ever saw them as a couple. Her aunt married and had kids years before she was born. That's a bit weird and really changes the scenario you outline in the OP. Makes me suspect she is getting this from an adult, rather than it being children's talk. But that's pure speculation.
musemaj11 Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Obviously the family like the aunt better than you and the kid probably eavesdropped the gossiping and she was merely parroting everything that she heard.
Author prettybaby Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 Obviously the family like the aunt better than you and the kid probably eavesdropped the gossiping and she was merely parroting everything that she heard. I would never expect her mother to prefer me over her own sister. The rest of the family seems to like me just fine. So if you guys are implying she overheard it from someone, then I guess it can only be her mother.
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