More Lies

[CopingGal]

Okay, I really, really need help with this. I'm gonna tell the whole story because I'm tried not to have a very long post, but my story is not getting across directly. It's most important that I explain more because I just caught my bf in another lie.

 

Okay here's the story. Lately, my bf's lies have come to life. He admitted that he will lie to me if he thinks the situation is no big deal to avoide conflict. to me, a lie is a lie. We had a big blow up and we are going to go back to couple's counseling. the first time we went, it was not about the lying and couple's counseling was great, but they had to break for summer. We planned on going back, but things got in the way. We are going back to couple's counseling this month.

 

Here are the lies:

 

1-He told me he had no mice in his apt. He refused to let me in his apt. he just moved into because he said it was a **** hole. I found out some months later he had mice. He told me he lied because I like animals so much and he had set traps for them.

 

2-He told me he did NOT have face book. He did. When I found out he had facebook, he lied OVER and OVER again, telling me he had just gotten it in the past two weeks. The entries were from months ago and he just kept insisting the entries were from only two weeks ago. I told him "I pray to God you are telling me the truth." He said, "I am." He accused me of trying to stir up trouble in the relationship. It was all a lie. He said he did not tell me because I had a bad experience on facebook. He told me that he got facebook so he could keep in contact with people from college. That's all.

 

3-I tried to add him as a friend previously and he said he did not get the message. Last night I tried to add him as a friend and he accepted. This morning I went to his site and I found out that he was friends with his ex-girlfriend. Previously he told me that he did not know where she was and that he had had no contact with her. He added her as a friend, probably around Sept. He gave no mention of this to me. He told me she had moved away. I'm not sure of that. It says she from a particular city, near us, but not that she's living there now.

 

He never told me she came back into his life. As far as I knew they had no contact. But if he was seeing her, wouldn't he refuse to add me as a friend, or take her off of his friend page? I don't know. I don't know what to do. HOw many more lies are there? Should I dump him know or go to couple's counseling like we planned? Please help.

[january2010]

If you found couples counselling useful then it's worth another shot, as long as he is also committed to making things work.

 

However, my gut feeling is that it may take more than that to repair your trust in him. If avoiding conflict and lying is a core part of his personality, I think that longer term work needs to be done before attitude and behaviour change can come about.

 

In my experience, once the trust has been broken, you can never quite get it back.

[CopingGal]

Thanks. I will say that I was very impressed with the way he acted in couple's counseling. He embraced it. He is so willing to go back that he called me with his schedule so that I could make an appt. But still...I dunno. How many more times can I go through this?

[january2010]

I suggest trying it once more. You don't have anything to lose except time.

[Digs in Dirt]

As you know, I am in the same boat. It's hard to believe that someone you love so much would lie to you. My SO claims that he lied to spare my feelings. Is that a good reason? To me, no it's not.

 

The mice lie doesn't give me red flags, but lying about someone being in his life, even on Facebook, does. Not that it means anything, but if you ask about it and he isn't forthcoming, that's an issue. Maybe he just didn't want you to freak out about something that is nothing, or maybe he has something to hide. Time will tell.

 

There are two lessons that I have learned about this situation:

 

- Is this your issue to work on? Have you felt like this in past relationships, would you feel like this in another relationship? How much of this is your issue?

 

- you have to be able to trust yourself first and foremost. Sometimes you have to let go and realize that you are strong enough to handle whatever happens. Even if the person has nothing to hide, do you want to spend your life anxious about whether or not they are telling you the truth, hiding something, or possibly cheating? If you decide that you don't want to live your life suspicious of the other person, then let go, and trust in yourself. Otherwise, get out. Life is too short to be tied up in knots wondering what potential hurt lies around the corner. Either way, you are totally strong enough to handle it.

 

Best of luck.... to both of us

[CopingGal]

Thanks. Good luck to you too.

 

"Is this your issue" part is interesting. People have lied to me in the past because I'm so sensitive, they are afraid of my reactions.

[Digs in Dirt]

I know that in my case I have been cheated on in two past significant relationships, so I am always on high alert, which isn't necessarily fair to my partner. I have to take some responsibility for my trust issues. I also have to remember that I recovered over the past hurts, and I would recover if it happened again. The question is, how long am I willing to feel the doubts/suspicion/anxiety. And what am I willing to do about it.

 

Sometimes people do tell white little lies, or hide certain information, in order to avoid rocking the boat, and that could be all that your partner is doing. The trouble though, is that if you have trust issues, like I do, then when you find out about the lies, it doesn't matter how innocent the lie is, you question the entire relationship and the integrity of the person. That's where I am at right now. I seriously question the character of the person that I am with. It's not a fun place to be.

 

I wish now that we'd had a period of no contact. It seemed like hell at the time - we were only ever able to make it one day max before one of us would cave. I kick myself now. Had I taken time to work on myself and feel more secure in my own world, we could take another kick at the can from a better place. There is a part of me that wonders why I am willing to live like this.

 

I guess this is where counselling will help. It's great that he's willing to go. Have you considered counselling for yourself, in addition to couples counselling? I am seeing a therapist on my own. We're talking about my trust issues, as well as my irrational and extreme fear of abandonment. I find that my solo sessions help me a great deal, and remind me that whatever happens, I'll be more than OK.

 

Sometimes I wish I'd have become a nun ;O)

[CopingGal]

I feel the same. Yes, I have trust issues. Yes, I can be naturally suspicious and to me a lie is a lie, no matter how big, no matter how small. I actually am in individual therapy, but we've been working on other things, not really my trust issues. I will bring this up to my therapist when I see her.

 

There's always hope when the person is very willing to go to counseling. But still, because of the way he is, there may always be a lie around the corner. I don't want that.

[cerridwen]

CopingGal, have you been to that website The Truth About Deception?

 

I'd check it out. It helps illuminate the reasons why people lie--and the repercussions for loved ones. My ex was a habitual liar that's how I found the site. Pretty scary stuff.

 

From what I've read of your story, you have EVERY reason to have trust issues now. You're with a deceitful person! It's a terrible combination that must be stressing you terribly. It did me.

 

How long have you been together? Did I miss that in your post?

Edited January 4, 2011 by cerridwen

[Mrlonelyone]

These aren't lies about his past they are lies about his present.

 

The man's hiding things he's doing now, from you. There is nothing little and white about them. IMHO I would not trust a woman who lied like that without some really good extenuating circumstances.

[andrew-bkk]

1-He told me he had no mice in his apt. He refused to let me in his apt. he just moved into because he said it was a **** hole. I found out some months later he had mice. He told me he lied because I like animals so much and he had set traps for them.

 

Your boyfriend's apartment has a mouse infestation. And your boyfriend is intelligent enough and mature enough to realize that this health hazard takes precedence over your concern for animal welfare. He lied to spare your feelings.

 

2-He told me he did NOT have face book. He did. When I found out he had facebook, he lied OVER and OVER again, telling me he had just gotten it in the past two weeks. He said he did not tell me because I had a bad experience on facebook. He told me that he got facebook so he could keep in contact with people from college. That's all.

 

So what? The entire universe uses FB. What's the problem? Is it possible that he was afraid of you stalking him or being too clingy?

 

3-I tried to add him as a friend previously and he said he did not get the message. Last night I tried to add him as a friend and he accepted. This morning I went to his site and I found out that he was friends with his ex-girlfriend.

 

Sometimes, friend requests end up in you spam folder. He may never have seen your initial friend request.

 

And he's friends with his ex. Great. That's a good sign.

 

Listen to people here on loveshack and you'll see that many of them hate their exes. They are full of bitterness and resentment. This is a sign of emotional immaturity. I am friends with two of my exes on FB. One ex is from a five year relationship; the other is from a ten and half year relationship.

 

As you get older, you will learn that men who can develop civil relationships with their exes are the men you ought to be with. Avoid men who are cynical. Avoid men who are angry. Avoid men who harbor resentment and bitterness.

 

All in all -- I think you are being WAY to sensitive. Carry on like this, and your boyfriend will leave you.

[homebrew]

I don't use facebook... nor do I want too. There are plenty of people like me out there. If you have an issue with facebook... Don't date people that have one / want one.

 

If you are not comfortable with your BF being friends with their EX... I see no problem with that (I am the same way). It's perfectly normal... A lot of people feel that way. Date them.

 

Your BF is a sissy. I wouldn't care if you liked it or not... Me getting rid of mice in my house is not something I need to discuss with you or debate with you. I have never had a problem with mice so I do not know if it could be done humanly... but if I could, I would. I am a animal myself. However, if it can't be done humanly... well I am sorry... It's either me or the mice and I am here to tell you, the mice aren't winning.

 

If he lies about something as stupid as dealing with mice... What else would he lie about? I do not excuse the lying...

 

For you (and if I was you), this man has 3 strikes... He is OUT!

 

NEXT!

Edited January 4, 2011 by homebrew

[CopingGal]

wow, it's been almost a year since I started this thread about his lies. I can't believe they got even worse. I'm so proud of myself for finally walking and not going back. It's been 4 months since I left him. AFter I left, my self esteem started to rise.

[shayla]

My ex is a liar too, and I feel so much better now that I don't have to hear them any more. Nothing can make a person crazier than a liar. Add in some manipulation and total denial will make a relationship a nightmare.

 

Being alone is so much better.

 

Congratulations on setting yourself free from foolishness.

[CopingGal]

Thanks Shayla,

 

Congratulations to you too. On our first date, he made a point of telling me how honest he was. That was a red flag. Honest people don't have to talk about how honest they are. They just are.