betrayed11 Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Been thinking a lot since sleeping and eating are not an option. My W betrayed me, but that is Act II. In Act I, I was not the healthiest person for a number of years before - depression, etc. - treated her well for the most part, but not always - it took its toll on her - no doubt. I was never unfaithful. So in Act II, she did not take "til death do us part" seriously enough or she would have persevered through the bumps instead of having an A (apparently at least two). So here we are in Act III - what do I believe? Just because she did not take it seriously enough does that give me the right to file for D? What do I believe about "til death do us part"? Maybe an emotional/mental illness caused her to not be able to respond properly in Act II. Does that give me the right to abandon her or should I persevere and honor the loyalty to my M that I vowed 20+ years ago? How should Act III go? Is it obvious? File for D?
dreamingoftigers Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I think that an affair excuses the responsibility from the betrayed spouse and they can file for divorce. I do believe in eternal marriage, but still believe in the right to divorce due to adultery. That being said, there are a lot of things that you both can still do to save the marriage. Many many marriages have recovered from an affair and chances are because you are here asking, you are really really on the fence about it. Maybe you owe it to yourself and your wife to see what a marriage would be like if you were both healthy and treated properly. My marriage also hit the infidelity wall (no not me). We are recovering now, but yes it is incredibly tough.
Spark1111 Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I think you have the right to NOT decide what your final decision will be....for now....the next month....the next year. You have just experienced one of the worst traumas a person can experience. You take care of you, first. Not her, not the marriage, not the issues, not her issues...just you. Get to IC, because you will need it. Also, trying to eat right, excercise, and meds, both anti-depressents and sleeping pills....if you need them. Safeguard your assets, speak with an attorney, make reasonable moves to split your joint accounts if you have not already done so during the separation. But you do not have to decide ANYTHING before you are really ready to.
Spark1111 Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 PS: Till death do us part is obviously the goal of a two-person committed relationship vowed before G-d in your house of worship. However, adultery is the only reason to dissolve a marriage, even in the old covenant of the Bible. And, while many do not know this, it was one of the few rights give to woman as equally as men: the right to divorce a spouse due to adultery. So, whatever you decide? It will be okay.
carhill Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 For me, 'in sickness and in health' invalidated 'till death do us part' The difference is next time I'll simply and immediately divorce a person who abandons me and make sure they get what is due them and not one iota more. Death will come to them in a time and of a fashion they deserve.
Gman95670 Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 To some, the meaning of "death" is not just in the physical/biological sense. It also means "death" of their relationship, love, trust, etc. When saying their vows, they were committing to being together forever. However, if the love dies, or if there is no longer any trust between them, they are then free to terminate the marriage and go their separate ways.
fltc Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 So here we are in Act III - what do I believe? Just because she did not take it seriously enough does that give me the right to file for D? What do I believe about "til death do us part"? Maybe an emotional/mental illness caused her to not be able to respond properly in Act II. Does that give me the right to abandon her or should I persevere and honor the loyalty to my M that I vowed 20+ years ago? How should Act III go? Is it obvious? File for D? File! Look at it this way, there are two marriage contracts, one is a moral, religious set of vows, the other is a legal contract. She broke both and you're no longer bound to either contract.
seren Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 For me, the only vows that I truly believed in were the promises we made to each other, not the marriage vows per se. But the implicit understanding that I abhor deceit, cannot stand to hurt or see someone else hurt, especially for the gratification of others. H and I had an understanding that we would not do behind each others backs what we would be ashamed to do in front of their face. The death to us part, sickness and in health stuff are merely words that someone else wrote, sure we said them in front of witnessess, but I took far more seriously the personal promises we made, the understanding of each other's boundaries and the sharing and giving of trust. So, to me, the having each other's backs, the working together to maintain the relationship and the putting up with the bad times together, was based upon a mutual understanding that we were in it together - when he had the A, he broke the personal, but mutual understanding of 'us'. Of course the honest thing is to say you are unhappy and if someone else, to 'fess up to let the other person make an informed choice about whether they want to stick around for the ride, or to have their back. The bigger clincher for me is if my H had said he was no longer in love with me or us. All A's have different dynamics and everyone has a line drawn in the sand where they just don't cross. Marriage vow breaking was not my line, the breaking of trust was.
datura_noir Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 To some, the meaning of "death" is not just in the physical/biological sense. It also means "death" of their relationship, love, trust, etc. When saying their vows, they were committing to being together forever. However, if the love dies, or if there is no longer any trust between them, they are then free to terminate the marriage and go their separate ways. That is quite a stretch on the vows, my friend. If we could take to task all of the vows that way, then there would be no problem. Till death means just what it says. So does in sickness and health. And, for better or for worse. Sickness doesn't just mean a "cold" or a "nasty stomach virus". For better or worse doesn't just mean "when you lost your job for 6 weeks" or "you left food out overnight". Till death means exactly that; if you don't like it, have it taken out and reworked to "until someone better comes along".
Gman95670 Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 That is quite a stretch on the vows, my friend. If we could take to task all of the vows that way, then there would be no problem. Till death means just what it says. So does in sickness and health. And, for better or for worse. Sickness doesn't just mean a "cold" or a "nasty stomach virus". For better or worse doesn't just mean "when you lost your job for 6 weeks" or "you left food out overnight". Till death means exactly that; if you don't like it, have it taken out and reworked to "until someone better comes along". The fact remains, not everyone believes the only way out of a marriage is death - regardless of what the vows say. Divorces are granted and people remarry (or not) without there having to be "death." One can argue that "irreconcilable differences" is the same as the death of the relationship.... it's irreversible, the same as death. If we were to hold that the only way out of a marriage (regardless of how broken), is death, then divorces would never be granted.
carhill Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 If the rest of the vows haven't been abrogated/abandoned/disrespected, then death is the ultimate end to the contract, hence why it is generally heard last. If someone gets to die with the contract still upheld and healthy, kudos to them. I was lucky enough to have parents like that.
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