broken bisexual mormon...clarified version

[howcouldthishappen]

Sorry for the double post, but the first post was just very messy. Sort of me just blabbering on and spilling all my emotions onto a page. Hopefully this will clear things up a bit.

 

In order to understand the break up, you will have to have a little background sorry it's such a dang novel, but any insight at all is greatly appreciated. I am willing to take all the help I can get!

 

I am a bisexual mormon. Talk about an oxymoron I know. Anyways, I fell hard for a girl in junior high. It took me 3 years, but I eventually made the first move and turns out she felt the same way about me. We moved so so slow. Didn't have our first kiss until about a month and a half into our relationship. Neither of our parents knew, and we were very good at keeping it on the down low. We were together for 2 incredible years, and then things started to get rocky.

 

Her parents ended up finding out first. Her family is not mormon, so they were much more accepting, although still not all for it. I stayed with her through the whole thing, and a third wonderful year flew by. A year after her family found out, I started having feelings for another girl. I ended up taking this other girl on a date, and we kissed. THAT WAS THE MOST STUPID DECISION EVER. I don't know what I was thinking. But I was honest and told the first girl what happened. She was so heartbroken and I still had the nerve to ask her to let me date this other girl. I will never forgive myself for putting her through that. Anyways long story short, I left the other girl for the first.

 

Soon after this my parents found out about what was going on. It was a living hell to say the least, but that story is for a different day. Anyways, what happened was me and this girl decided to stay friends, but that we just wouldn't be interested in each other as anything more than friends. Well. I am sure you all know how that ended up. Long story short we slipped back into dating again. We continued with our relationship keeping it secret from my parents for about a year. At this point we were both heading off to college. Each of us going to a different university. I, decided to attend an LDS sanctioned school (take a guess where), while she chose to attend a private liberal arts college (sort of a party/very alcoholic happy campus). We were both terrified of losing each other and swore that we wouldn't let the different schools and distance get in the way of our relationship.

 

This is where it gets tricky. See, even though I am bisexual, I still am a very strong supporter of the LDS church, and I do in fact have an undeniable testimony that it is true. For those of you that don't know, the LDS church is extremely conservative - drinking is BAD, tattoos are BAD, piercings are BAD, and that is basically what we have pounded into our brains as soon as we pop out of the womb. The first year was interesting. We stayed close and alternated driving to see the other every weekend. Everything was fine, although I did notice that she was starting to get into the whole alcohol party scene. This was a bit of a shock to me, because like I said earlier, growing up as a mormon, I have very conservative views on everything. AKA I was totally against drinking. We started to argue a bit, but nothing too serious, and nothing we couldn't work through. Summer came and we spent a wonderful few months together. Before the summer, we had decided this would be it. After the summer, we would need to go our separate ways, and with the help of the distance, we would be able to stay separated much easier. About 3 weeks before the end of the summer however, we got into a huge argument. I said some horrible things about her older sister, whom I never really respected or thought very highly of. She was very offended and ignored me for several days. When we finally were talking again, she said that maybe it would be better to break it off now, while the wound from the argument was still fresh. Of course this isn't what I wanted, but I agreed, wanting to do whatever was best and easiest for her.

 

At this point we were technically no longer dating. However, we both went back down to school, and although we went on dates with other people, we still remained over friendly. Still using pet names, still going out on "dates" (we just called it hanging out). Basically even though technically we weren't together, we were still together. A few months after going back to school, things started getting really rough and the arguments more frequent (note that the arguments were always over text, we never ever argue in person). She wanted to get tattoos, and drink, and party, and get a few piercings. Naturally I responded with my gut reaction of definitely not. Jealousy on my part started coming in when she started spending more time with her friends at her school than with me. Looking back now I was definitely controlling, and I feel so horrible about it. I never meant it to be that way. I was just scared of losing her. Scared of losing something that wasn't even really mine to claim in the first place because of my decision to stay within the church.

 

Somehow we still remained together. Around the time of our anniversary, I wanted to do something special, only to find out she had plans to attend a party instead. I know I shouldn't have been upset, because technically we weren't even together, but I took it hard, and at this point she started pulling away and said she was done. For a few days we didn't talk, but then she contacted me asking how I was doing. I told her I was horrible and that I missed her terribly. We talked and decided to stay "friends". A few days passed and the pain from the first break slowly started to ebb down. Well, a few nights later I had a break down. The stress of school was wearing on me, and I had this internal conflict of not knowing what in the world to do. Do I leave the church and lose my family and everything I have grown up knowing, or do I lose the girl that I love with everything I have. I called her just bawling only to find out that she was busy helping another friend (a very promiscuous person who always has boy problems) with her boy problems. I was so angry and hurt. To know that she wouldn't help me over this person, when my problem was clearly a bigger issue, and especially since we had been so close for so long was just a slap in the face to me, and I lost my temper and yelled. I quickly realized my mistake and told her to just call me when she was done. I received a call about 4 hours later at around 3 in the morning. She was extremely blunt, callous, and extremely stand offish. As I cried telling her my problem, and how I was thinking about how I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, she didn't say a thing except I'm tired and I'm going to bed. Talk about a heartbreaker. This was the beginning of the end.

 

She sent me an email the next day saying how we had just grown apart, and that it wasn't necessarily because the bad outweighed the good, it was just not working anymore. I emailed back pleading her to stay, and explaining that we could figure it out. She started talking to me more frequently and we even talked on the phone for a while, and then she would just go absolutely cold turkey on me and back out of everything. After one of these cold turkey episodes she finally stuck with it and just wouldn't answer or respond to me at all. A few weeks later, I called asking her to give me a chance to date her. To openly actually date her. She wouldn't even give me a chance, because she was in a relationship with someone else already. She even went as far to say she still loved me, but she just couldn't anymore.

 

She promised to never leave me, that she would always love me and that we would always have each other. I was enough of a chump to believe her. Now I am kicking myself for getting so far in and losing her. She means the world to me. And she is already into a serious relationship 2 weeks after we broke up. She not only was my love, she was my best friend. I lost her, because I couldn't come out of the closet soon enough. Both her and her girlfriend have blocked me on facebook, and she won't say a single thing to me anymore. I went to see her and her family to deliver a letter I wrote for her, asking to at least give me the decency of a face to face break up, and she couldn't say a thing to me. She couldn't even look me in the eye. Her mother had to do all the talking. It kills me to know she is with this other girl, because I still love her so much. I have seen the blog posts that she is so happy being "her true self" and being open about her sexuality with this other girl. I wish she would have told me she felt like she couldn't be herself with me. I would have done everything and anything to change that. It is absolute torture to know that I was so replaceable after all we went through. Part of me thinks it is a rebound relationship, and part of me thinks maybe she just doesn't really care about me anymore. It just is hard to believe that you can just cut someone out of your life that you were so close to after 7 years of friendship and 4 years of dating. I have no idea how she can be so happy, and guilt free not thinking about me and what happened.

 

It has been 3 months now. The pain is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I have no support from my parents who are just saying "I told you so", and friends having no idea we were even dating. I used to be a strong, independent, happy person, and now I am a walking corpse. A life as a walking corpse...yeah not so fun. So let me know what your insight is on the whole thing. How a person can do this to someone, and please tell me advice on how in the world I even begin to start moving on without my best friend.

Edited January 3, 2011 by howcouldthishappen

[dreamingoftigers]

Sorry for the double post, but the first post was just very messy. Sort of me just blabbering on and spilling all my emotions onto a page. Hopefully this will clear things up a bit.

 

In order to understand the break up, you will have to have a little background sorry it's such a dang novel, but any insight at all is greatly appreciated. I am willing to take all the help I can get!

 

I am a bisexual mormon. Talk about an oxymoron I know. (Not at all). Anyways, I fell hard for a girl in junior high. It took me 3 years, but I eventually made the first move and turns out she felt the same way about me. We moved so so slow. Didn't have our first kiss until about a month and a half into our relationship. Neither of our parents knew, and we were very good at keeping it on the down low. We were together for 2 incredible years, and then things started to get rocky.

 

Her parents ended up finding out first. Her family is not mormon, so they were much more accepting, although still not all for it. I stayed with her through the whole thing, and a third wonderful year flew by. A year after her family found out, I started having feelings for another girl. I ended up taking this other girl on a date, and we kissed. THAT WAS THE MOST STUPID DECISION EVER. I don't know what I was thinking. But I was honest and told the first girl what happened. She was so heartbroken and I still had the nerve to ask her to let me date this other girl. I will never forgive myself for putting her through that. Anyways long story short, I left the other girl for the first.

 

Soon after this my parents found out about what was going on. It was a living hell to say the least, but that story is for a different day. Anyways, what happened was me and this girl decided to stay friends, but that we just wouldn't be interested in each other as anything more than friends. Well. I am sure you all know how that ended up. Long story short we slipped back into dating again. We continued with our relationship keeping it secret from my parents for about a year. At this point we were both heading off to college. Each of us going to a different university. I, decided to attend an LDS sanctioned school (take a guess where), while she chose to attend a private liberal arts college (sort of a party/very alcoholic happy campus). We were both terrified of losing each other and swore that we wouldn't let the different schools and distance get in the way of our relationship.

 

This is where it gets tricky. See, even though I am bisexual, I still am a very strong supporter of the LDS church, and I do in fact have an undeniable testimony that it is true. For those of you that don't know, the LDS church is extremely conservative - drinking is BAD, tattoos are BAD, piercings are BAD, and that is basically what we have pounded into our brains as soon as we pop out of the womb. The first year was interesting. We stayed close and alternated driving to see the other every weekend. Everything was fine, although I did notice that she was starting to get into the whole alcohol party scene. This was a bit of a shock to me, because like I said earlier, growing up as a mormon, I have very conservative views on everything. AKA I was totally against drinking. We started to argue a bit, but nothing too serious, and nothing we couldn't work through. Summer came and we spent a wonderful few months together. Before the summer, we had decided this would be it. After the summer, we would need to go our separate ways, and with the help of the distance, we would be able to stay separated much easier. About 3 weeks before the end of the summer however, we got into a huge argument. I said some horrible things about her older sister, whom I never really respected or thought very highly of. She was very offended and ignored me for several days. When we finally were talking again, she said that maybe it would be better to break it off now, while the wound from the argument was still fresh. Of course this isn't what I wanted, but I agreed, wanting to do whatever was best and easiest for her.

 

At this point we were technically no longer dating. However, we both went back down to school, and although we went on dates with other people, we still remained over friendly. Still using pet names, still going out on "dates" (we just called it hanging out). Basically even though technically we weren't together, we were still together. A few months after going back to school, things started getting really rough and the arguments more frequent (note that the arguments were always over text, we never ever argue in person). She wanted to get tattoos, and drink, and party, and get a few piercings. Naturally I responded with my gut reaction of definitely not. Jealousy on my part started coming in when she started spending more time with her friends at her school than with me. Looking back now I was definitely controlling, and I feel so horrible about it. I never meant it to be that way. I was just scared of losing her. Scared of losing something that wasn't even really mine to claim in the first place because of my decision to stay within the church.

 

Somehow we still remained together. Around the time of our anniversary, I wanted to do something special, only to find out she had plans to attend a party instead. I know I shouldn't have been upset, because technically we weren't even together, but I took it hard, and at this point she started pulling away and said she was done. For a few days we didn't talk, but then she contacted me asking how I was doing. I told her I was horrible and that I missed her terribly. We talked and decided to stay "friends". A few days passed and the pain from the first break slowly started to ebb down. Well, a few nights later I had a break down. The stress of school was wearing on me, and I had this internal conflict of not knowing what in the world to do. Do I leave the church and lose my family and everything I have grown up knowing, or do I lose the girl that I love with everything I have. I called her just bawling only to find out that she was busy helping another friend (a very promiscuous person who always has boy problems) with her boy problems. I was so angry and hurt. To know that she wouldn't help me over this person, when my problem was clearly a bigger issue, and especially since we had been so close for so long was just a slap in the face to me, and I lost my temper and yelled. I quickly realized my mistake and told her to just call me when she was done. I received a call about 4 hours later at around 3 in the morning. She was extremely blunt, callous, and extremely stand offish. As I cried telling her my problem, and how I was thinking about how I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, she didn't say a thing except I'm tired and I'm going to bed. Talk about a heartbreaker. This was the beginning of the end.

 

She sent me an email the next day saying how we had just grown apart, and that it wasn't necessarily because the bad outweighed the good, it was just not working anymore. I emailed back pleading her to stay, and explaining that we could figure it out. She started talking to me more frequently and we even talked on the phone for a while, and then she would just go absolutely cold turkey on me and back out of everything. After one of these cold turkey episodes she finally stuck with it and just wouldn't answer or respond to me at all. A few weeks later, I called asking her to give me a chance to date her. To openly actually date her. She wouldn't even give me a chance, because she was in a relationship with someone else already. She even went as far to say she still loved me, but she just couldn't anymore.

 

She promised to never leave me, that she would always love me and that we would always have each other. I was enough of a chump to believe her. Now I am kicking myself for getting so far in and losing her. She means the world to me. And she is already into a serious relationship 2 weeks after we broke up. She not only was my love, she was my best friend. I lost her, because I couldn't come out of the closet soon enough. Both her and her girlfriend have blocked me on facebook, and she won't say a single thing to me anymore. I went to see her and her family to deliver a letter I wrote for her, asking to at least give me the decency of a face to face break up, and she couldn't say a thing to me. She couldn't even look me in the eye. Her mother had to do all the talking. It kills me to know she is with this other girl, because I still love her so much. I have seen the blog posts that she is so happy being "her true self" and being open about her sexuality with this other girl. I wish she would have told me she felt like she couldn't be herself with me. I would have done everything and anything to change that. It is absolute torture to know that I was so replaceable after all we went through. Part of me thinks it is a rebound relationship, and part of me thinks maybe she just doesn't really care about me anymore. It just is hard to believe that you can just cut someone out of your life that you were so close to after 7 years of friendship and 4 years of dating. I have no idea how she can be so happy, and guilt free not thinking about me and what happened.

 

It has been 3 months now. The pain is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I have no support from my parents who are just saying "I told you so", and friends having no idea we were even dating. I used to be a strong, independent, happy person, and now I am a walking corpse. A life as a walking corpse...yeah not so fun. So let me know what your insight is on the whole thing. How a person can do this to someone, and please tell me advice on how in the world I even begin to start moving on without my best friend.

 

Okay, this is a horrible place to be in. It sounds like you have lost all direction. I am a convert to your church. I joined 9 years ago amid great emotional turmoil so I am familiar with many of the views of the church and the difference between the teachings and how they are practiced.

 

Two of the biggest principles in the church are agency and respect for other's agency. In many now-italicized parts of your post you did not respect this girl's agency. Even though she is not a mormon and you hold those beliefs, the respect of another's agency is extended to everyone.

 

There were moment listed of you emotionally dumping on her, expecting her to pick up your emotional pieces. Coming out of the closet or not would most likely have not have been a deciding factor for this relationship in the long run anyways. You cheated and expected her to allow you to get your "needs" met. You tried to limit her choices and you expected her to help you with your relational pain at the drop of a hat when you weren't together. As an adult, you need to pick up most of the emotional pieces yourself and then share with your partner. You are responsible for not just dropping the burden on your partner.

 

As for moving past the pain: He will watch over you if you turn to him, otherwise get some independent counseling to help you get grounded. Get busy, refrain from contacting her or looking her up. Life is too short to wander around aimlessly tethered to your past alone.

 

Now as well, you have chosen to leave the church standards to have sexual intimacy. That was your choice despite what you believe and have a testimony of. This being the case you would eventually need to either: drop the idea of sexual intimacy with a member of the same sex if you wish to be spiritually fulfilled within the church, moving towards a temple marriage (but you would need to have a ton of healing done first) OR YOu would need to drop the church out of your life and try to change your viewpoint on sex and intimacy between humans.

 

We are taught that the standard laid before us (if executed properly and with faith) will bring us eternal happiness. Only you can decide if this actually is the path you want and will sacrifice all else for it. No one can make that decision for you. I am not diligent enough in my path, very few are.

 

The third option is to remain torn: not reaping the rewards of a temple marriage OR feeling truly accepted and comfortable around those in the alternative community. (Generally not in conjunction with being a mormon).

 

The third option is the worst. At least if you pick path one or two you can always go back. Church will never be gone if you decide that you wish to pursue an alternative lifestyle and the alternative lifestyle will never cease to be an option if you find that the church is not for you. At least pick something!

 

Some in the church will say that being bisexual is a sin blah blah blah. Being something is never a sin (unless that something is unrepentant sinner, but I digress). Acting on the things were are told will lead us to pain is a sin. Do not ever in the presence of the church feel toxic shame for who you are. Repent for what you have done and move on, if you wish it and do not let anyone force you.

 

I wish you the best.