Doesn't seem like people "date" anymore

January 3, 2011

I am in my 30's. I am noticing that things in the dating game move much faster than they did 10 years ago.

Looks like people seem to size each other up much more quickly up nowadays, and tend to move much faster into relationships. My impression that for a lot of people nowadays, a first date will either go great where there's all this chemistry and where you will be in a relationship after that, or it will not and you will not see the other person again (even if the first date went "well"). There isn't a whole lot of just "getting to know the other person" anymore.

Communication seems to move a lot faster. The old strategy of calling two days after the date is passe. Now the expected thing to do is to text later that night or the next morning.

Am I the only one noticing this?

Edited January 3, 2011 by Imajerk17

January 3, 2011

The three day rule is just so dumb. These days many if not most women already know that trick.

January 3, 2011

Though not indicative of any trend, I'm finding more people dating while ostensibly attached to others, whether sexually or emotionally, and springboarding from one intimacy to another, if not multiple layers of intimacy, with some emotional, some intellectual and some sexual, using different partners to fulfill each layer. Interesting stuff. I now can see clearly why many LS ladies tend to have nothing to do with separated or recently divorced men. That perspective appears to be gender-neutral, but I do see more men being less particular about such dynamics, perhaps reflective of their traditional desire to get their noodle wet and how that drives their 'criteria'.

In all this I feel incredibly antiquated and old-fashioned. I even use the odd device called a telephone to communicate and enjoy quiet time without interaction or 'connection'. Bizarre stuff. Oh, well, life goes on.

January 3, 2011

Dating is like a job interview. There's just no fun in it. People have obscenely high expectations.

January 3, 2011

Totally agree with @Carhill. Also why I have told myself, this year, I will not date (if I can help it) a recently separated or divorced man, or one just getting out of a long long term relationship, like 5-10 years. The dating world is so diff. now and a lot of people are doing exactly what @Carhill said.

Though not indicative of any trend, I'm finding more people dating while ostensibly attached to others, whether sexually or emotionally, and springboarding from one intimacy to another, if not multiple layers of intimacy, with some emotional, some intellectual and some sexual, using different partners to fulfill each layer. Interesting stuff. I now can see clearly why many LS ladies tend to have nothing to do with separated or recently divorced men. That perspective appears to be gender-neutral, but I do see more men being less particular about such dynamics, perhaps reflective of their traditional desire to get their noodle wet and how that drives their 'criteria'.

In all this I feel incredibly antiquated and old-fashioned. I even use the odd device called a telephone to communicate and enjoy quiet time without interaction or 'connection'. Bizarre stuff. Oh, well, life goes on.

January 3, 2011

Different people date different ways, but I think the three day rule was always bad. My grandfather didn't wait three days to call my grandmother either. I'm not sure exactly when or why that rules was in vogue, but I have a feeling lots of great relationships avoided it then as well.

I think there's still getting to know people, but generally. . . I mean, why do I need to go on more than 1-3 dates to figure out if someone is LTR material. I don't. If I get a whiff they aren't, going out with them again is a whiff, so I can see how it'd end at one date. Less girls go out for "fun" now than they did several decades ago, I think. In a way, it's more straightforward. But I don't know what you mean about lately.

I've been dating for basically 10 years now, and I've noticed myself changing over that time, obviously, but I'm not sure dating really has.

January 3, 2011

Nah, it’s just like you said, it’s a lot more fast paced.. Everyone wants instant answers now.

January 3, 2011

Good call , Carhill

I met a woman who shamelessly admits that she is going to Speed dating events, while in a relationship with a man...reason for this was the fact he won't commit to marriage....apparently she's been pressuring him for marraige...and he's refusing.

But...she says he's great in bed, and mows her lawn. lol

(Yeah, that's a woman with scruples)

And also women (maybe men) are like Tarzan, they won't let go of the LAST vine, until they get a good grip on the vine in front of them (meaning the springboarding from relatioship to rel. problem)

Though not indicative of any trend, I'm finding more people dating while ostensibly attached to others, whether sexually or emotionally, and springboarding from one intimacy to another, if not multiple layers of intimacy, with some emotional, some intellectual and some sexual, using different partners to fulfill each layer. Interesting stuff. I now can see clearly why many LS ladies tend to have nothing to do with separated or recently divorced men. That perspective appears to be gender-neutral, but I do see more men being less particular about such dynamics, perhaps reflective of their traditional desire to get their noodle wet and how that drives their 'criteria'.

In all this I feel incredibly antiquated and old-fashioned. I even use the odd device called a telephone to communicate and enjoy quiet time without interaction or 'connection'. Bizarre stuff. Oh, well, life goes on.

January 3, 2011

The OP is probably noticing two different things combining to speed up the dating process. First, IME women tend to "speed up" their dating when they hit their 30s. It's a cliche, but the clock is ticking and women in that age group tend to not want to waste time with men who they deem to not have LT potential.

I think, too, that overall dating is probably moving faster now, as is much of life. My guess is that it's mostly due to online dating and the "shopping" mentality that it brings to many of the people who live by it.

January 3, 2011

Well, since I see many people on this forum labeling multi-dating as something negative, you may be right.

I really don't understand what is wrong with dating several people at once. It would certainly help keep someone from focusing on the wrong person, I would think. As long as there is honesty and everyone knows they aren't someone's one-and-only, what's the big deal?

January 3, 2011

I really don't understand what is wrong with dating several people at once. It would certainly help keep someone from focusing on the wrong person, I would think. As long as there is honesty and everyone knows they aren't someone's one-and-only, what's the big deal?

I like this POV.

January 3, 2011

In a recent real-life example I cited, and unknown to the potential multi-dating partners, the person in question was/is still banging her exH. See, when many women throughout life make a man into an emotional tampon, he learns things. Truthful, valuable things. This is one of those things. I'm sure many men do exactly the same thing. I don't, hence why I'm truly single with a cat.

The most common line I've heard is: 'I have a hard time being alone' The more often I hear it, and it is often, the more I accept it as a valid perspective. As a potential dating partner, I've *never* heard it. I think that's instructive

January 3, 2011

In a recent real-life example I cited, and unknown to the potential multi-dating partners, the person in question was/is still banging her exH. See, when many women throughout life make a man into an emotional tampon, he learns things. Truthful, valuable things. This is one of those things. I'm sure many men do exactly the same thing. I don't, hence why I'm truly single with a cat.

The most common line I've heard is: 'I have a hard time being alone' The more often I hear it, and it is often, the more I accept it as a valid perspective. As a potential dating partner, I've *never* heard it. I think that's instructive

Women learn the same thing from certain "men" as well.

January 3, 2011

Yep, as I said " I'm sure many men do exactly the same thing"

January 3, 2011

Good point, and it's unfortunate that women feel they need to speed things up. What's the rush?

I think this is the ADD of dating. lol People aren't focusing, and just creating a "blur" when it comes to dating, it's a shame that someone is not willing to get to know someone over time.

I'im not much of a mult-dater....why?

Because I'm not a casanova like some men, and I have a few male friends like this. ESP when it comes to Online dating (Which I think has ruined dating altogether....furhter enabling the rush process)

So typically, you'll find a guy who has been rejected or ignored by 100 women, then they FINALLY get a woman that agrees to go out with them....of course this guy is thinking YES FINALLY!

And if the first date goes well, he is definately going to want to see this SAME woman again, and not any other women.

Why? Becuase there are no other women for him to date.

With women, they have at least a handful of prospects.

So I guess that's why I hear complaints about women who is dealing with a guy who seems to stay in touch a little too much or whatever. (making himself too available)

The OP is probably noticing two different things combining to speed up the dating process. First, IME women tend to "speed up" their dating when they hit their 30s. It's a cliche, but the clock is ticking and women in that age group tend to not want to waste time with men who they deem to not have LT potential.

I think, too, that overall dating is probably moving faster now, as is much of life. My guess is that it's mostly due to online dating and the "shopping" mentality that it brings to many of the people who live by it.

January 3, 2011

When I started dating, I was 16 and it was 1976. No cell phones, no email, no internet. As a kid I recall being at a family gathering when the phone rang and someone came running in to announce to the woman of the house, "it's for you, it's long distance".

And the whole room fell silent as we waited on pins and needles to learn who it was.

Can you imagine that reaction NOW?

Back then, I don't even think folks used classified ads to meet other singes unless they were desperate. Things moved slower and the dating pool was much, much smaller.

But think of all the ways there are to find each other today.

Today we can reach more people in less time than ever before. We can perform more tasks in less time than ever before. We're always plugged in, always connected. Our brains are on overload. Some researches are even saying that the way we take in data (rapid-fire) is changing the way our brains are wired.

So yeah, absolutely, it's affecting how we date. Heck, it's affecting everything we do!

January 3, 2011

When I started dating, I was 16 and it was 1976. No cell phones, no email, no internet. As a kid I recall being at a family gathering when the phone rang and someone came running in to announce to the woman of the house, "it's for you, it's long distance".

And the whole room fell silent as we waited on pins and needles to learn who it was.

Can you imagine that reaction NOW?

Back then, I don't even think folks used classified ads to meet other singes unless they were desperate. Things moved slower and the dating pool was much, much smaller.

But think of all the ways there are to find each other today.

Today we can reach more people in less time than ever before. We can perform more tasks in less time than ever before. We're always plugged in, always connected. Our brains are on overload. Some researches are even saying that the way we take in data (rapid-fire) is changing the way our brains are wired.

So yeah, absolutely, it's affecting how we date. Heck, it's affecting everything we do!

January 3, 2011

First of all, the waiting for three days to call rule is stupid. There's no reason to take your time getting to know someone, which is all that waiting to call them and stuff is. We all only live so long and have so much time in life, there's no reason to make the process of getting to know someone slower.

And also . . . . . . . sometimes someone just KNOWS that they aren't compatible with someone and never are going to be. Honestly, I dated this guy for a month that I met on a dating site. I should have stopped before we even met (when he told me he was 25, had never really had a job before, and ran from his bills , and that's how he dealt with them) and he would have been hurt less. But instead, I stuck around to find out he had a 2-inch long penis, ejaculated quickly, couldn't drive, didn't move his mouth when he kissed, had zero friends or life, was extremely physically unattractive, smelled horrible, and I just had no connection with him in any way. Sometimes you just know from the beginning. Sticking around and giving him more chances just made him more and more repulsive to me. I didn't get to know him better and then all these things were magically "fixed."

Besides, if someone just has one of your deal breakers from the beginning and you somehow keep dating them and wind up falling in love with them, then it's harder to leave them when that deal breaker starts hurting you, then if you had just left them in the first place.

It all depends on the reasons why someone stopped dating someone immediately and how often they do it really. Because sometimes you just know its not going to work out with someone.

January 3, 2011

I'll give a little more context:

In my 20's, I usually got a second date. The first dates that I went on were "good" but nothing special.

Then I was in a LTR.

I get out of that and start dating again, and it seems that things really have changed. My last 4 experiences I have been on illustrate this.

Of these, 3 out of 4 were "first dates"--girls I met off the internet. In all 3 of these first dates, the conversation flowed well and ended well. There was at least a kiss at the end of the night. One woman gave me a ride from her car to mine (I walked her to her car and so she returned the favor by offering to drive me to mine.) In all 3 cases, I walked away thinking that a second date would be there if I wanted it. In all 3 cases, I was wrong. Two out of the three "weren't feeling it", and the third "met someone" while on vacation the next week.

Maybe my waiting 2 days to call her again to set up the second date (instead of texting later that night) was a mistake. Then again, what were these 3 girls expecting to have happen from a first meeting? Maybe it either has to be magical to them or there isn't a second date coming. It sure seems that way.

I realize it is hard to draw conclusions from 3 data points, but this seems to be consistent with my experience all year--20+ dates, most online, a few met via approaching her in e.g., grocery story or a coffee shop or book store.

The fourth experience was a girl I met on a plane ride. She lives a few hours away, and I am going to go visit her this weekend. I obviously like her, but she seems surprisingly keen on our "relationship", and I'm just not ready to go there yet. I'd like for us to instead just enjoy my visit and see what happens. We only had a plane ride together and a couple phone conversations!

Edited January 3, 2011 by Imajerk17

January 3, 2011

First of all, the waiting for three days to call rule is stupid. There's no reason to take your time getting to know someone, which is all that waiting to call them and stuff is. We all only live so long and have so much time in life, there's no reason to make the process of getting to know someone slower.

And also . . . . . . . sometimes someone just KNOWS that they aren't compatible with someone and never are going to be. Honestly, I dated this guy for a month that I met on a dating site. I should have stopped before we even met (when he told me he was 25, had never really had a job before, and ran from his bills , and that's how he dealt with them) and he would have been hurt less. But instead, I stuck around to find out he had a 2-inch long penis, ejaculated quickly, couldn't drive, didn't move his mouth when he kissed, had zero friends or life, was extremely physically unattractive, smelled horrible, and I just had no connection with him in any way. Sometimes you just know from the beginning. Sticking around and giving him more chances just made him more and more repulsive to me. I didn't get to know him better and then all these things were magically "fixed."

Besides, if someone just has one of your deal breakers from the beginning and you somehow keep dating them and wind up falling in love with them, then it's harder to leave them when that deal breaker starts hurting you, then if you had just left them in the first place.

It all depends on the reasons why someone stopped dating someone immediately and how often they do it really. Because sometimes you just know its not going to work out with someone.

Thanks EG. I'm curious though--I'm going to guess, though, that there have been several guys you've gone out with, who had a lot more going for them than this guy you stuck it out for a month with. But you decided not to go on the second date with these guys, and yet you stuck it out with the guy you wrote about here.

What was the difference there?

January 3, 2011

Thanks EG. I'm curious though--I'm going to guess, though, that there have been several guys you've gone out with, who had a lot more going for them than this guy you stuck it out for a month with. But you decided not to go on the second date with these guys, and yet you stuck it out with the guy you wrote about here.

What was the difference there?

No, actually, I never just break it off with someone after a first date. I tend to have a problem with low standards. D= I logically support people having higher standards, but sometimes when I get into these situations, I let my insecure emotions control my judgment.

Except for one guy and that was only because he tried to guess my bra size on the first date and talked really creepy to me about sexual subjects and I was scared for my safety. XD

January 3, 2011

I am in my 30's. I am noticing that things in the dating game move much faster than they did 10 years ago.

Looks like people seem to size each other up much more quickly up nowadays, and tend to move much faster into relationships. My impression that for a lot of people nowadays, a first date will either go great where there's all this chemistry and where you will be in a relationship after that, or it will not and you will not see the other person again (even if the first date went "well"). There isn't a whole lot of just "getting to know the other person" anymore.

Communication seems to move a lot faster. The old strategy of calling two days after the date is passe. Now the expected thing to do is to text later that night or the next morning.

Am I the only one noticing this?

I've noticed this too... it's weird to me... it was so simple when I was in my 20s, cause I fell in love with a wonderful man at the university we attended, we spent most every day together, first with our group of friends, then as a couple with those same friends, and then got married. The thought of multidating or online dating never crossed my mind, would have been silly to me. It is just one reason why I wish I had worked harder on my marriage and matured in many areas, including communication, cause now it seems so much harder to get to know someone. The man I'm interested in is far away... (met on an online dating site) and I really like him, but haven't been able to get to know him as well because of the distance, and I don't know what the future holds. I just know that if I get married again, I will work harder to communicate better and not let little things imbitter me, and I'm now striving to mature in areas I need to, because nowadays it is so hard it seems to have a committed dating relationship. And for some reason, even though I have good friends who are guys where I live, I can't seem to find one I connect with on a romantic level close by, but then again, I'm working in a career in which I don't meet a lot of new guys, and where I socialize, there aren't many new guys either who I connect with. It's not their fault and it's not mine either... it just is how it is, it seems lol.

January 3, 2011

Another anecdote:

Lady in the 'three cats and a mouse' journal, the one who did a bit of fondling on a few occasions, along with some terms of endearment is, as my exW alluded to when we last saw each other at the courthouse, getting a divorce. As is my style, I facilitated far more disclosure than what might be appropriate while she was cleaning my teeth. Still separated, divorce and child issues in marked flux, and she's been with a neighbor of theirs for a good six months (she said). Interestingly, this matches up with pictures of my exW and her new boyfriend (one of a few) who were photographed at this person's house with her husband during this time. Twenty plus year M, respected members of the community and church.

This lends further support for my 'women are single for ten seconds' theory, and shows markedly that they are often single while still married. Now, a gentleman like myself would and does respect the divorce and healing process and maintains a polite distance, even if interested. Other men, evidently not. I won't share details, and I heard plenty, but suffice to say I was surprised and a bit saddened by the goings on.

One more anecdote to add to the pile. I'll update the journal to reflect the latest events. The more I experience, frankly, the less I think I'll be wanting to date. That's a sad commentary on an otherwise optimistic viewpoint. OP, hope your experiences are more positive.

January 4, 2011

I am in my 30's. I am noticing that things in the dating game move much faster than they did 10 years ago.

Looks like people seem to size each other up much more quickly up nowadays, and tend to move much faster into relationships. My impression that for a lot of people nowadays,

Communication seems to move a lot faster. The old strategy of calling two days after the date is passe. Now the expected thing to do is to text later that night or the next morning.

Am I the only one noticing this?

I am the first one to move quickly in the dating at this stage in my life.

1. Chemistry or no chemistry on the phone? yes / no, decide to meet or not.

2. Is there chemistry once we meet the 1st time? yes / no, if yes contact her most likely within the next day or so, RARELY do I wait two days to call.

3. AFter 2-3 dates or we sleep together decide if LT potential..

At this stage in my life I don't date "just to date" or "just for sex" or "just to have someone"... I have DONE all the above up to 1-2 yrs ago... time passes by, and time to find a potential LTR candidate..

January 4, 2011

And also . . . . . . . sometimes someone just KNOWS that they aren't compatible with someone and never are going to be. ... But instead, I stuck around to find out he had a 2-inch long penis, ejaculated quickly, couldn't drive, didn't move his mouth when he kissed, had zero friends or life, was extremely physically unattractive, smelled horrible, and I just had no connection with him in any way.

Jesus. Where are these women that stick around? I'm 28, have none of those weaknesses, and I can't find a patient woman for the life of me.

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Doesn't seem like people "date" anymore

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