Niku Posted March 18, 2004 Posted March 18, 2004 [font=arial][/font][color=darkblue][/color]Ok here it is in a nut shell. I have started a new job with in this last year and I really like what I do, but I have encountered a slight problem. There is a married woman who I am working with and we have gotten way to close. We have not gone far which is good, but we still have gone further then we should have. I truly have feelings for her and she also has feelings for me, and I can feel that “relationship” is tearing us both up inside. It’s getting in the way of both of our jobs and I would have to say that it affects my personal life as well. I don’t want to stop feeing what I feel for her, but I also don’t want to be the cause of her breaking up with her husband, and wrecking her family. I have met her family and they are all really nice people. So needless to say I feel guilty and less then human for doing anything in the first place, yet everyday when she is with me and touches me I pretty much just loose my control. Until recently it was just holding hands and hugging which can be considered innocent enough if you look past the feelings, but today it progressed onto kissing. I’m now afraid that this is going to get way out of hand, so I want to back off. I don’t want her to get offended, and I don’t want her to end up hating me. I just don’t want anything to end badly, but I don’t see how it can end in any other way. Since I have to work with her every day it has to end in a way that we can still work together. Any advice that anyone has would be helpful. I'm new here and this is a serious problem to me so I am hoping that people will take it seriously too. Thank you Niku
overseas2004 Posted March 18, 2004 Posted March 18, 2004 You are on the right track about having to end this affair. It is just so unfair what the two of you are doing to other potential innocent parties ... her husband and their children. However I recognize the fact that it must be exteremly difficult for you to control your natural desire. You must have a discussion with her. Cut it off immediately and suppress your feelings for her totally. Of course it will be difficult but not impossible. Pray to God (if you believe) to take the temptation away. Good luck
Author Niku Posted March 18, 2004 Author Posted March 18, 2004 Indeed I agree totally with what you say, and I know it has to stop. I have had a discussion with her about it once already. I thought she agreed with what I had told her concerning the relationship, but I'm not the most eloquent of people and I fear that what I was saying may well have been lost in ramblings. I know her husband doesn’t pay much attention to her and that what she wants from me. I told her that I would give her as much emotional support as she needs there just can be no physical contact involved. We both know it would be wrong so it has to revert back to a friendship. This is where I would desperately like our relationship to be again. Unfortunately I think that she translates emotional support into desire and yearning, so I feel like I am trapped. I can’t back out of giving her the emotional support that I have promised, because she does need it. When I do give her that support I can see in her eyes much more then just a person needing help. I can’t be mean to her and compel her to back off, because I think that will force one of us to dislike the other. I know that another talk is in order I just don’t know how to make her stop wanting there to be more. Like I said I’m not the best with expressing myself in a proper fashion. Thanks for your input Niku
care Posted March 18, 2004 Posted March 18, 2004 Niki, Yes, you must talk about the consequences and what impact they would have on all of you. Not exactly the same situation but similar: Read a post by "caretoomuch" in Second Chances forum. It has over 120 posts so you should be able to find it easily if you look for it this way. On page 2 or 3 I think, I will come in with my story. I am (the woman) "caretoo" (as your friend is). After a lot of soul searching and tears I finally resolved my dilemma. I hope you do too. care
shygirl04 Posted March 21, 2004 Posted March 21, 2004 You are in a tough predicament. I would continue to give her the emotional support that you promised (as a plutonic friend only), and help her through her marriage difficulties. She is definetly reaching out to you because she needs someone that she can confide in. Be the friend that she needs, and if she does leave her husband then by all means the two of you could start a relationship. But for now be a friend to her and I promise you that in the end she will appreciate that more than anything else you could give her right now.
amerikajin Posted March 21, 2004 Posted March 21, 2004 >>>I have had a discussion with her about it once already. I thought she agreed with what I had told her concerning the relationship, but I'm not the most eloquent of people and I fear that what I was saying may well have been lost in ramblings. <<< Eloquence isn't as important as clarity. You have to be completely clear about breaking this off. You shouldn't even hang out together, and I'd put as much distance as you can between you two without making things seem too unnatural. Whether it's unnatural or not, the most important thing is that you break it off. >>>I know her husband doesn’t pay much attention to her and that what she wants from me.<<< Let's get one thing straight: you don't know s*** about what goes on in their marriage. I'm not a pyschic, but I'm guessing you didn't interview her husband to get his side of the story. I'm not trying to be mean here, I just want you to think about this a little more - from different angles. >>>I told her that I would give her as much emotional support as she needs there just can be no physical contact involved.<<< "Emotional support" will always leave the door open to an affair. You're not her shrink, you're not her family, and you've already moved past the point of being just a "friend". If you really want to end this, you've got to start back to square one: the day before you became friends, when you were just co-workers. >>>We both know it would be wrong so it has to revert back to a friendship. This is where I would desperately like our relationship to be again. <<< Too late now. You've already gone past friendship, and you're in the expresslane to something much more adventurous...and dangerous. Find the nearest exit and get off this road to nowhere - now! >>>Unfortunately I think that she translates emotional support into desire and yearning, so I feel like I am trapped. I can’t back out of giving her the emotional support that I have promised, because she does need it. When I do give her that support I can see in her eyes much more then just a person needing help. <<< Read what I said above: "emotional support" leads to bad things. >>>I can’t be mean to her and compel her to back off, because I think that will force one of us to dislike the other. <<< What you should really be worried about is what happens if you get caught by her husband. How would you like to be deposed by a nasty attorney in divorce proceedings? >>>I know that another talk is in order I just don’t know how to make her stop wanting there to be more. Like I said I’m not the best with expressing myself in a proper fashion. <<< I know this is difficult, but you just have to remember to keep this as simple as possible. Tell her that you don't think you're being a good friend to her by jeopardizing her marriage. After that, you'll have to sit back and wait to see what happens. She might accept it and move on, she might try to tempt you a few more times, and there's also the possibility she might let the cat out of the bag with her husband. There's the distinct possibility she's using you to get attention or settle some score in her marriage...which is yet another reason to end this thing ASAP. If I'm reading you correctly, at least you haven't done the dirty deed. Quit while you're not in too deep.
zarathustra Posted March 21, 2004 Posted March 21, 2004 Your affair is pretty far advanced both emotionally and physically.The trick is pushing back these overwhelmingly passionate feelings so that neither jobs nor a marriage end. If you both persist on this fast track to oblivion, both of you will probably lose your jobs (your co-workers will figure things out if they haven't already) and she also might lose her marriage. What's a guy to do? Stop doing all of the following with her: flirting, hugging, touching, kissing, joking, confiding, and being her special friend. Believe me--friendship, in this case, is the gateway to f***ing and a full blown affair. It is the fast track to unemployment and possibly Divorce Court. Tell her it's OVER. And then avoid her unless absolutely necessary for work. I know you guys have to work together, but you're both adults and presumably masters of your hormones.You must act professionally with her at all times. After work, start dating single women like there's no tomorrow. You have to break these obsessive thought patterns. Good luck. But right now, I'd say you're on that "Highway to Hell."
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