Spices Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 (edited) There was another woman involved. I always knew that was the reason my father asked my mother for a divorce (though he will still never admit it to any of us), but I never really knew the full details. I was talking to my mom about it today & she showed me a journal entry that she found a while back that was written by my father. Basically, the affair lasted 2 1/2 years & he thought that this woman was his "true soulmate". During those 2 1/2 years he put my mother through a complete emotional hell, that is, until he finally asked her for a divorce It left her devastated and she became physically ill. Eventually he bought a new home for us & he moved to an apartment. In his journal entry I found out that he was with this woman for only 2 months before she apparently got cold feet & ended things with him. Shortly after that he desperately tried to get my mother back, but by then it was already too late. She had already found someone else who made her much happier. Figures. I guess you get what you give. It's kind of ironic that I'm going through a similar situation, except I'm on the other side of things. Finding out this information made me think more about my whole issue. It also made me realize that in the end we're all human & I definitely can no longer be judgmental. I harbor no ill feelings for my father. Despite his mistakes he is still a good man. I realize it's hard to not follow your heart & love makes us do insane things. As for an update with my whole situation: MM is definitely trying. We've been hanging out every day & he chose to spend new years with me rather than with his wife. He says their relationship is over & that they've mutually broken up. The divorce isn't finalized yet (apparently she said she filed for the papers but for some reason he hasn't seen them yet. He's hoping she's not bluffing about that). She tells him that she plans to move out in March. He said the fights continued to become more intense & he just can't see himself with her anymore. He says he kept wanting her personality to be more like mine & finally realized that she'll never change the way he wants her to. He says he wants to give us another shot. He began introducing me to people as his girlfriend. Not really sure as to what I should do. I'm pretty much speechless about everything & my mind draws a huge blank every time I try to think about it. It's so hard to walk away when you love someone, but at the same time there is just so much baggage involved. I suppose she figures he's with someone else. He showed me a few text messages that he received from his wife after New Years. It read something like: "Happy new years. F*** you" "Just to let you know I found my new man" "I hope your content & happy with your decision. It'll be funny once your princess finds out her man is a SLOB, and that her prince charming is a married man." Drama... Edited January 3, 2011 by Spices
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Just continue to ride it out until the papers are done. When my exH filed, it took a couple of months for the papers to make their way to my house by certified mail even though it was a no fault, consensual divorce (in fact, exH and I went to the lawyers office together to fill out the papers - our split was 100% amicable as we had been separated five years by that time). The lawyer filed for us but he took his sweet time getting around to filing with the courts and serving the papers. The divorce from filing to final took about four months. It won't be easy in a situation that is volatile like this one, but the more you distance yourself from the actual moving out/divorce process the smoother it will run. Throwing you in the middle will be like throwing more fuel into the fire. MM and his W need to sort their stuff out without using you as a scapegoat. That will only deflect from their actual problems.
Goldenspoon Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 until he finally asked her for a divorce It left her devastated and she became physically ill. ... Yet, you did to another woman what your dad's mistress did to your mom.
herenow Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 T As for an update with my whole situation: MM is definitely trying. We've been hanging out every day & he chose to spend new years with me rather than with his wife. He says their relationship is over & that they've mutually broken up. The divorce isn't finalized yet (apparently she said she filed for the papers but for some reason he hasn't seen them yet. He's hoping she's not bluffing about that). She tells him that she plans to move out in March. He said the fights continued to become more intense & he just can't see himself with her anymore. He says he kept wanting her personality to be more like mine & finally realized that she'll never change the way he wants her to. Drama... There is always the talk of "red flags" in a relationship that is in trouble. I see some "red flags" here. He wanted "her" to change, but I do not see that he takes any responsibility for his part in the marriage. If he has any question about a divorce being filed, why doesn't he file the divorce himself? Finally, why is he waiting for her to move out? Why not move out himself? If he is the one to stay in the home, then he can move back in after she moves out. Why is everything dependent on his wife and what she is or isn't doing? Why can't he take control of his own life and do what it takes to be with you on his own? If he is so miserable living with his wife, why is he still there?
Author Spices Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 (edited) Just continue to ride it out until the papers are done. When my exH filed, it took a couple of months for the papers to make their way to my house by certified mail even though it was a no fault, consensual divorce (in fact, exH and I went to the lawyers office together to fill out the papers - our split was 100% amicable as we had been separated five years by that time). The lawyer filed for us but he took his sweet time getting around to filing with the courts and serving the papers. The divorce from filing to final took about four months. Thank you for the information, it was very helpful. It won't be easy in a situation that is volatile like this one, but the more you distance yourself from the actual moving out/divorce process the smoother it will run. Throwing you in the middle will be like throwing more fuel into the fire. MM and his W need to sort their stuff out without using you as a scapegoat. That will only deflect from their actual problems. I definitely agree. Mind you, I don't believe I am the sole reason for their divorce. They've been having problems for years. Yet, you did to another woman what your dad's mistress did to your mom. It was never fully the mistresses fault, it was mostly my fathers. He was the one who wasn't happy in the relationship, and he was the one who chose to cheat and leave my mother as a result of it. Besides, my situation is a bit different. My parents had kids; my mother was not native to this country & was a stay at home mom who didn't have a full time job at the time. They on the other hand do not have any kids & his wife is quite independent and has a good job. Also, their decision to break up was mutual this time around. Edited January 4, 2011 by Spices
alexandria35 Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 They on the other hand do not have any kids & his wife is quite independent and has a good job. Also, their decision to break up was mutual this time around. Well then why in the world are they still living together? My last longterm live-in relationship (granted it wasn't a marriage but we lived together for 7 years and had a lot tied up in the relationship) came to a halt when I came home one day and told him I could no longer be in the relationship. We talked about our situation. I wanted to leave immediately but I didn't want him to suffer financially because of my departure. We figured it out in a hurry and two weeks later I was completely moved out and staying with family. Of course we still had things (bank accounts, bills, etc) that had to be seperated, but we continued to work on those things after I moved out. The two weeks we still lived together after we broke up were hell. Very painful for both of us and we both knew the sooner I was out the better. Had we been married I'm sure we still would have handled the break up the same way. I know break ups aren't the same for everyone but how can he be introducing you to everyone as his girlfriend while he is still living with his wife? That just sounds so disrespectful, both to you and his wife. Just because his marriage is ending doesn't mean that he can't treat the seperation with some decorum and respect. Sounds like it all hinges on his wife anyways. He will be divorced if his wife filed and he will be seperated if his wife moves out in March. Why can't he file? Why can't he move?
2sunny Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 There is always the talk of "red flags" in a relationship that is in trouble. I see some "red flags" here. He wanted "her" to change, but I do not see that he takes any responsibility for his part in the marriage. If he has any question about a divorce being filed, why doesn't he file the divorce himself? Finally, why is he waiting for her to move out? Why not move out himself? If he is the one to stay in the home, then he can move back in after she moves out. Why is everything dependent on his wife and what she is or isn't doing? Why can't he take control of his own life and do what it takes to be with you on his own? If he is so miserable living with his wife, why is he still there? i agree with the above post. if you want the truth - ask his wife directly! seems he has an out by way of being dependent on his wife taking all the action here. that is never a good sign. IF he wanted change - he wold be sure to MAKE it happen... but he's not. i doubt anything has been done... he's just lying to buy more time with more lies. call the wifey... since it's all mapped out - he should have no problem with that at all.
Author Spices Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 Him & the wife already settled that he gets to keep the house, while she'll basically get everything in it. He can't really kick her out until she finds her own place, and apparently she's decided that that time will come in march. He told me that he would move out again until that time comes if it would make me feel better, but I told him that it would be better to stay. I already saw the negative affect moving out of his home had on him before, and I honestly don't want him coming back to that. I told him that I want to take things slow until then. If we're meant to be then it'll happen. If not than it's honestly no big deal. We'll move on. I am starting to get cold feet about the whole thing, to be honest. For all I know the whole thing could be complete BS. He's older than me & lectures me a lot on my future. His wife already has a stable career & makes a bit more money than him. I do believe a part of him doesn't want to loose that stability, and he has mentioned that a few times... blah. we'll see.
Allisha Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I am starting to get cold feet about the whole thing, to be honest. For all I know the whole thing could be complete BS. He's older than me & lectures me a lot on my future. His wife already has a stable career & makes a bit more money than him. I do believe a part of him doesn't want to loose that stability, and he has mentioned that a few times... blah. we'll see. History repeats itself.
hanging on for now Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Yet, you did to another woman what your dad's mistress did to your mom. Program requires ten charactors so here goes. AMEN
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