Author eerie_reverie Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 I am tempted to dump him and start going to AA meetings instead. I feel like relationships exacerabate my substance abuse problems. The pattern I have been in for the last couple of years is: After being single for a long time, I am finally happy and appear to be getting my s!ht completely together. Just as I'm almost "there" I meet someone who drives me to stop tending to the very things that make me happy. We break up and it's months before I'm even back to square one. I want to start the new year with a commitment to being sober and I think that would be harder if I am dating him.
Woggle Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 If he is not what you want then dump him but trying to change a man is exercise in futility. He is who he is and you can take that or leave it.
Author eerie_reverie Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 If he is not what you want then dump him but trying to change a man is exercise in futility. He is who he is and you can take that or leave it. Is that really true?? I have seen many examples where woman have successfully "helped" change a man into the partner they want. Case in point is my cousin. Two years ago, she met a recovering alcoholic who broke, unemployed... an all-around loser. She helped him clean up, open his own busienss, and now, they are married, have a kid, he is making s!htloads of money, he's happy, she's happy. There is that saying, "behind every great man is a woman."
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I don't know. In the beginning I just really liked spending time with him. We have a lot of chemistry outside the bedroom but it is when we get naked that I feel most of his insecurities come out. No. Either you are hopping into bed with men for the wrong reasons or you are intentionally hitting the self eject button after sex... or both. If a person shows you their insecurities... that is them being vulnerable to you. Your going to reject him for that? Eerie.... if that is really the only issue... then clearly you are the unworthy one not him. I could critique every woman I've ever been with just the way you did him... Her breath smells in the morning, one boob is bigger than the other, she lacks energy in bed, she has moles in weird places, one eye is higher than the other by a fraction of a millimeter.... ect. I don't even think of these things however... because when I see these types of things in the mirror... I still like myself.
welikeincrowds Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Is that really true?? I have seen many examples where woman have successfully "helped" change a man into the partner they want. Case in point is my cousin. Two years ago, she met a recovering alcoholic who broke, unemployed... an all-around loser. She helped him clean up, open his own busienss, and now, they are married, have a kid, he is making s!htloads of money, he's happy, she's happy. There is that saying, "behind every great man is a woman." There are many things wrong with this line of thinking. But that's not the point. Don't you think you deserve someone who inspires you -- or more specifically, inspires you in thoughts of being with him, rather than in thoughts of leaving him?
Star Gazer Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Is that really true?? I have seen many examples where woman have successfully "helped" change a man into the partner they want. Case in point is my cousin. Two years ago, she met a recovering alcoholic who broke, unemployed... an all-around loser. She helped him clean up, open his own busienss, and now, they are married, have a kid, he is making s!htloads of money, he's happy, she's happy. There is that saying, "behind every great man is a woman." Dating a project is never a good idea.
Woggle Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Is that really true?? I have seen many examples where woman have successfully "helped" change a man into the partner they want. Case in point is my cousin. Two years ago, she met a recovering alcoholic who broke, unemployed... an all-around loser. She helped him clean up, open his own busienss, and now, they are married, have a kid, he is making s!htloads of money, he's happy, she's happy. There is that saying, "behind every great man is a woman." This is not true. Chances are the change will only last so long and even if the change is real most of the time the woman gets bored when she completes her project. Accept a man for who he is or don't accept him at all because trying to change a man to fit her criteria is one of the biggest mistakes women make.
johan Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Woggle talks in absolutes. But there is probably a distinction to be made between changing him and changing his life. Are the changes you want consistent with his basic personality? Or would he just be doing it all for you? My aunt changed my uncle to an extent. She talked to him like no one ever had and faced up to his anger. She confronted some of his worse habits and in general his life improved a lot. She challenged him, and it was good for him.
welikeincrowds Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I keep going back and forth. I'm wondering if you're in the right place to be dating if you find yourself in this situation.
florence of suburbia Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Is that really true?? I have seen many examples where woman have successfully "helped" change a man into the partner they want. Case in point is my cousin. Two years ago, she met a recovering alcoholic who broke, unemployed... an all-around loser. She helped him clean up, open his own busienss, and now, they are married, have a kid, he is making s!htloads of money, he's happy, she's happy. There is that saying, "behind every great man is a woman." Meh. Do you want a project or a lover?
Author eerie_reverie Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 There are many things wrong with this line of thinking. But that's not the point. Don't you think you deserve someone who inspires you -- or more specifically, inspires you in thoughts of being with him, rather than in thoughts of leaving him? Yah, of course, that'd be great. But there's a practical side of me that is realizing his potential. If he only changed a couple of things about his lifestyle that he is insecure about and I am disgusted by, he'd be the perfect guy for me.
Woggle Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Yah, of course, that'd be great. But there's a practical side of me that is realizing his potential. If he only changed a couple of things about his lifestyle that he is insecure about and I am disgusted by, he'd be the perfect guy for me. Trust me when I say he would still be far from the perfect guy.
OceanGirl Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 spookie, don't take this the wrong way but I think you need a man that is a stabilizing influence in your life. You have enough of your own issues to deal with, I do not think it's a good idea to take someone else's.
florence of suburbia Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Yah, of course, that'd be great. But there's a practical side of me that is realizing his potential. If he only changed a couple of things about his lifestyle that he is insecure about and I am disgusted by, he'd be the perfect guy for me. At three weeks even his faults should turn you on. If he isn't irresistible, there isn't enough chemistry.
Author eerie_reverie Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 (edited) Woggle talks in absolutes. But there is probably a distinction to be made between changing him and changing his life. Are the changes you want consistent with his basic personality? Or would he just be doing it all for you? My aunt changed my uncle to an extent. She talked to him like no one ever had and faced up to his anger. She confronted some of his worse habits and in general his life improved a lot. She challenged him, and it was good for him. I THINK they are consistent with his basic personality, but since he is almost 30, I might be mistaken; otherwise, why hasn't he cleaned up his act before now?? The "changes" I am referring to specifically are: 1. Working out and eating right. He HAS expressed a desire to "start working out again", and I know he's got it in him, as he ran a marathon a couple years ago. 2. Drinking less 3. Not smoking All of the above are related to having basic respect for one's body. Perhaps I am more sensitive to this than most because I have dealt with my own self-destructiveness for years, so watching someone kill themselves through neglect disturbs me. I think he would like to change the above. However, another thing I am noticing about him that is less likely to change, is that he has no long-term plans whatosever. He has an alright career that he warily went back to after a half-assed attempt at being a teacher, but he doens't give that much of a s!ht about it, and there is nothing else that he's really passionate about except maybe music. Edited January 3, 2011 by eerie_reverie
Feelin Frisky Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 ER, why title the thread that you "lose interest in "men" after sex" when you seem to just be finding out that the guy you're with is incompatible. That's not the same. Are you angry with yourself for feeling compelled to pursue him and then find he's a slob? That happens some times. You can't always tell before hand if someone is going to be a bust for you. You don't like the way the guy keeps apologizing--how could you know that until you gave it a try with him? It seems you just had a disappointing go with someone who just wasn't right. Perhaps next time it WILL be right. You don't have too much invested in this guy so close him out and move on.
Author eerie_reverie Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 ER, why title the thread that you "lose interest in "men" after sex" when you seem to just be finding out that the guy you're with is incompatible. That's not the same. Are you angry with yourself for feeling compelled to pursue him and then find he's a slob? That happens some times. You can't always tell before hand if someone is going to be a bust for you. You don't like the way the guy keeps apologizing--how could you know that until you gave it a try with him? It seems you just had a disappointing go with someone who just wasn't right. Perhaps next time it WILL be right. You don't have too much invested in this guy so close him out and move on. Well, the thing is, I'm no spring chicken. This is a situation that seems to repeat with me. I will pursue someone HEAVILY ignroing all the red flags, then as soon as we are together, I realize there are tons of deal-breakers that I was ignoring. I KNEW he smoked and that I have a problem with it. I knew he was aimless and self-destructive. The insecurity thing was news, and of course I had no way of knowing what he'd be like in bed, but even without that, I probably should not ahve pursued him.
Spices Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Hey, I haven't even mentioned his alcoholism yet... But it's one of the thigns we have in common. Alcoholism, dysthemia, agnosticism, and a confusion about having children. It seems that the only things you guys have in common are negative. You don't need that. What you deserve is a man who can & will make those negative qualities naturally fade away... not one who shares the same issues, because honestly, that will only make things worse. I think its time to cut him. He may be a nice companion for now, but it doesn't look like the relationship is going anywhere positive, no offense.
welikeincrowds Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Well, the thing is, I'm no spring chicken. Aren't you like 25 or something? Anyway. This is a situation that seems to repeat with me. I will pursue someone HEAVILY ignroing all the red flags, then as soon as we are together, I realize there are tons of deal-breakers that I was ignoring. I KNEW he smoked and that I have a problem with it. I knew he was aimless and self-destructive. The insecurity thing was news, and of course I had no way of knowing what he'd be like in bed, but even without that, I probably should not ahve pursued him. What attracted you to him?
Author eerie_reverie Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 Maybe you would’ve lost interest in this specific guy even with out sex, possibly sooner? No doubt about that. We jumped in the sack way too soon. The reason that happened is that I have anxiety about dating, so my approach to relationships has always been to "hang out" and hook up. I know a lot of girls get fwb-zoned that way, but it's actually worked for me, to the extent that it tends to progress to a relationship.
Author eerie_reverie Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 Aren't you like 25 or something? Anyway. What attracted you to him? I'm 24 going on 40... He is smart, loyal, honest, emotionally open, and has issues that I easily relate to.
Author eerie_reverie Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 It seems that the only things you guys have in common are negative. You don't need that. What you deserve is a man who can & will make those negative qualities naturally fade away... not one who shares the same issues, because honestly, that will only make things worse. I think its time to cut him. He may be a nice companion for now, but it doesn't look like the relationship is going anywhere positive, no offense. Yup, we have all the same issues, which is why it was so easy to get so close so fast. Initially, I thought we'd be able to help each other work through them. But after spending some time together I get the impression that I am more into the idea of "changing" then he.
welikeincrowds Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 and has issues that I easily relate to. Yup, we have all the same issues, which is why it was so easy to get so close so fast. Initially, I thought we'd be able to help each other work through them. But after spending some time together I get the impression that I am more into the idea of "changing" then he. So this is why you looked past them, because you can relate? So you might agree that one way of putting it is that the red flags were things that attracted you to him? Unfortunately working out your problems or your identity through another person is not at all a way to work out your problems or your identity. It doesn't work and it garners a false intimacy, one you get from using other people. That courage and change can only come from within you. It's ironic but fitting that you're framing this discussion around him and his vices when this issue and your conflict have very little to do with him.
Author eerie_reverie Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 So this is why you looked past them, because you can relate? So you might agree that one way of putting it is that the red flags were things that attracted you to him? Unfortunately working out your problems or your identity through another person is not at all a way to work out your problems or your identity. It doesn't work and it garners a false intimacy, one you get from using other people. That courage and change can only come from within you. It's ironic but fitting that you're framing this discussion around him and his vices when this issue and your conflict have very little to do with him. Not really, but they added to the sense that he's the male version of me. It was hard to pass up a chance to date myself.
welikeincrowds Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Not really, but they added to the sense that he's the male version of me. It was hard to pass up a chance to date myself. You ever see that Seinfeld episode
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