eerie_reverie Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 (edited) It's happened again. I was compulsed to pursue him. I risked so much so we'd be together, yet less than a week into being with him, I am completely repulsed. His body has begun to disgust me. What I didn't notice at first are: his man-tits, the dark patch of hair on his chest, his too-thick neck, and how he's always sweating. He cleans up well, which is why I was intially attracted, but when we're together, he's such a slob, I'm grossed out. Then there's the utter lack of confidence. He says things like, "Do you prefer my shirt on, or off," and "I should work out," during sex, and follows each sentence up with, "I'm sorry." If I say, "Don't be sorry!" he says, "I'm sorry for apologizing!" The sex is bad and not looking like it's gonna get better. As soon as there's any pressure on him to perform, he goes limp, so I'm forced to play the role of a cock-huingry porn star, lest he have a moment to think. Quite frankly, I find it exhausting. His lifestyle sucks, which is another thing I didn't realize. Don't get me wrong, I struggle here too. I have a tendency to drink too much late at night, and I'm messy. But I'm aware of these weaknesses, and I aim for improvement. He's even worse than me, but has no plans to change. I don't want to get sucked into a routine of eating potato chips while we watch TV. I like him because: he is smart, funny, loyal, and has almost the exact same personality as me. We connect well. But between all his issues, I feel like he's dragging me down. I'd have to do the work for both of us to make improvements to my lfie. I think I can do better. I need to dump him, right?? It is so nice to have found such a great companion, but if I know I'm going to leave him, it's not fair to drag this out, right?? Edited January 3, 2011 by eerie_reverie
johan Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 All this. his man-tits, the dark patch of hair on his chest, his too-thick neck, and how he's always sweating. He cleans up well, which is why I was intially attracted, but when we're together, he's such a slob, I'm grossed out. Then there's the utter lack of confidence. He says things like, "Do you prefer my shirt on, or off," and "I should work out," during sex, and follows each sentence up with, "I'm sorry." If I say, "Don't be sorry!" he says, "I'm sorry for apologizing!" The sex is bad and not looking like it's gonna get better. As soon as there's any pressure on him to perform, he goes limp, so I'm forced to play the role of a cock-huingry porn star, lest he have a moment to think. Quite frankly, I find it exhausting. His lifestyle sucks, which is another thing I didn't realize. Don't get me wrong, I struggle here too. I have a tendency to drink too much late at night, and I'm messy. But I'm aware of these weaknesses, and I aim for improvement. He's even worse than me, but has no plans to change. I don't want to get sucked into a routine of eating potato chips while we watch TV. And then this... It is so nice to have found such a great companion... You need to be with someone you respect. You don't need anyone here to tell you to dump him. You'll do it automatically when you really can't take it anymore.
sweet sugar Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Men who are drunks tend to have trouble with potency, so yeah....I'd consider launching immediately.
Author eerie_reverie Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 Men who are drunks tend to have trouble with potency, so yeah....I'd consider launching immediately. Hey, I haven't even mentioned his alcoholism yet... But that's
Cracker Jack Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Uh, yeah. I think staying with him would be doing yourself a huge disservice. If you're turned-off by him in many ways now, it'll likely expand if you continue to date him. Might as well just move on.
Author eerie_reverie Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 Men who are drunks tend to have trouble with potency, so yeah....I'd consider launching immediately. Hey, I haven't even mentioned his alcoholism yet... But it's one of the thigns we have in common. Alcoholism, dysthemia, agnosticism, and a confusion about having children.
sweet sugar Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 You said he, like you, had a tendency to drink too much. I didn't necessarily mean he (or you) were alcoholics, just heavy drinkers (at least)...I was giving a suggestion as to why he went limp easily. Of course just a suggestion.
welikeincrowds Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 It is so nice to have found such a great companion, but if I know I'm going to leave him, it's not fair to drag this out, right?? Particularly to yourself. To him, but to yourself. Have courage that what you feel is right. If I say, "Don't be sorry!" he says, "I'm sorry for apologizing!" This is pretty funny, though. This poor guy. Maybe you should bring some of these things up with him rather than dumping him straight up. I don't know if any of these issues are things that can be changed within the scope of your time with him, or if he will be able to change, and certainly none of it is your responsibility. But I'm sure his intentions are good. I'm sure all he wants is to please you. Insecurity is a difficult spiral to divert, especially since in many cases it's a dumping offense. Ouch
Author eerie_reverie Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 This poor guy. Maybe you should bring some of these things up with him rather than dumping him straight up. I don't know if any of these issues are things that can be changed within the scope of your time with him, or if he will be able to change, and certainly none of it is your responsibility. But I'm sure his intentions are good. I'm sure all he wants is to please you. Insecurity is a difficult spiral to divert, especially since in many cases it's a dumping offense. Ouch That's the thing. I feel like with a couple months' lifestyle makeover, he would be SUCH a great catch, but is that a reasonable attitude with which to start a relationship? I am willing to work with someone but spending a weekend with him really bummed me out, and I am always hearing about how you're not supposed to get into a relationship thinking you can change the other person.
Star Gazer Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 You need to be with someone you respect. This. If you respected him, you'd love his man tits, pelt of fur, and ogre neck.
Author eerie_reverie Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 This. If you respected him, you'd love his man tits, pelt of fur, and ogre neck. It;s just hard to respect someone on a gut level who is always putting himself down.
welikeincrowds Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I am always hearing about how you're not supposed to get into a relationship thinking you can change the other person. Yeah, that's true. Especially not his lifestyle. If you decide to work on this, the sexual stuff needs to get out in the open immediately, if you haven't discussed thoroughly it already. He's probably internalizing every single wet noodle, which is only going to build the guilt and make it worse. That **** needs to be talked about.
hART Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 If you are questioning it this early it is time to move on.
Star Gazer Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 It;s just hard to respect someone on a gut level who is always putting himself down. Oh girl, I totally understand. Trust me. Have you told him to grow some balls? Straight up? I recently told someone his behavior in this regard was straight unattractive, and it was like he flipped a switch. But even if he stopped putting himself down, you don't respect him because he's not a perfect specimen. There's something about true intimacy that you find disgusting. Perhaps ask yourself why?
sweet sugar Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I like what Hart said but also, you could just get some space from it. Spending a whole weekend together early on is heavy stuff. Maybe next time just have a date and no sleepovers for a while, like just have one datenight on the weekend, and the other night do something else with other people. It sounds like you haven't been dating that long, so maybe just take a breather and clear your head. Maybe you just might miss him. By the way, you don't have to tell him this (that you are taking a "breather"), just see him a bit less.
colliejoanie Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Your post made me laugh. Thank you. Do you feel any "chemistry"? If not, move on. You deserve to not be repulsed by man tits unless you're in love with the man.
Author eerie_reverie Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 Oh girl, I totally understand. Trust me. Have you told him to grow some balls? Straight up? I recently told someone his behavior in this regard was straight unattractive, and it was like he flipped a switch. No, I've been taking the "nice" appraoch in an attempt to make him feel more comfortable. Every time he says somethign really insecure, I give him a hug to demonstrate my acceptance. Now that I'm pondering dumping him for the same behaivior, I think I may have been doing him a disservice. But even if he stopped putting himself down, you don't respect him because he's not a perfect specimen. There's something about true intimacy that you find disgusting. Perhaps ask yourself why? Yes, there is... that's true. I don't know why. Some possible reasons might be: 1. I am terrified of betrayal 2. I am terrified of losing someone I love 3. Every relationship I have been in had put a hold on my personal growth
Star Gazer Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 No, I've been taking the "nice" appraoch in an attempt to make him feel more comfortable. Every time he says somethign really insecure, I give him a hug to demonstrate my acceptance. Now that I'm pondering dumping him for the same behaivior, I think I may have been doing him a disservice. You're doing both of you a disservice. His behavior is bothering you a great deal, to the point you're considering ending it with him. He very well may be capable of manning up and growing a pair and realizing he has no real reason to be so insecure. I mean, I understand certain insecurities, but the way he's laying them on you is making him seem like such a pansy. I don't blame you at all for losing some attraction for him on those grounds alone. Yes, there is... that's true. I don't know why. Some possible reasons might be: 1. I am terrified of betrayal 2. I am terrified of losing someone I love 3. Every relationship I have been in had put a hold on my personal growth Some possible reasons? Or are those things true?
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 His body has begun to disgust me. What I didn't notice at first are: his man-tits, the dark patch of hair on his chest, his too-thick neck, and how he's always sweating. He cleans up well, which is why I was intially attracted, but when we're together, he's such a slob, I'm grossed out. Then there's the utter lack of confidence. He says things like, "Do you prefer my shirt on, or off," and "I should work out," during sex, and follows each sentence up with, "I'm sorry." If I say, "Don't be sorry!" he says, "I'm sorry for apologizing!" How did you not notice that stuff before? Look, if you don't like the guy then bounce. Tell him you need a more confident guy... period. I've read enough of your threads to know that your problems are not really fixable. I would suggest you just find someone "perfect" enough or give up completely for a while. Provided a massive self esteem overhaul... some of your bigger issues will just go away. I'd say spend your time working on that.
Author eerie_reverie Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 I like what Hart said but also, you could just get some space from it. Spending a whole weekend together early on is heavy stuff. Maybe next time just have a date and no sleepovers for a while, like just have one datenight on the weekend, and the other night do something else with other people. It sounds like you haven't been dating that long, so maybe just take a breather and clear your head. Maybe you just might miss him. By the way, you don't have to tell him this (that you are taking a "breather"), just see him a bit less. We have been together 24/7 the past couple weeks. I know if I had some space, I would miss him; already, he is easily the 2nd or 3rd person I have felt closest to. But on the other hand, I wonder if this relationship has just managed to run its course in 3 weeks. Did I get too close and realize it's not what I want? Or is there a chance this could get better? Maybe I can steer the relationship into something that works better for me. Rather than hanging out at his place all weekend in my sweats, eating crap and watching tv with his roommates, I can invite him out on a run and then back to my place to cook and eat a healthy meal. He'd be up for anything, he is very eager to please. For all my disgust, I recognize he has many of the qualities I am looking for. He is a good and loyal person, emotionally available, completely into me, and we have the exact same dark sense of humor and similar opinions. We have similar tastes and I love all his friends. I don't often meet someone with whom I connect so well.
Author eerie_reverie Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 You're doing both of you a disservice. His behavior is bothering you a great deal, to the point you're considering ending it with him. He very well may be capable of manning up and growing a pair and realizing he has no real reason to be so insecure. I mean, I understand certain insecurities, but the way he's laying them on you is making him seem like such a pansy. I don't blame you at all for losing some attraction for him on those grounds alone. Some possible reasons? Or are those things true? All of these are true, but I don't know if they are the reasons for my issues. Or if I even have issues.
Author eerie_reverie Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 How did you not notice that stuff before? Look, if you don't like the guy then bounce. Tell him you need a more confident guy... period. I've read enough of your threads to know that your problems are not really fixable. I would suggest you just find someone "perfect" enough or give up completely for a while. Provided a massive self esteem overhaul... some of your bigger issues will just go away. I'd say spend your time working on that. I don't know. In the beginning I just really liked spending time with him. We have a lot of chemistry outside the bedroom but it is when we get naked that I feel most of his insecurities come out.
sweet sugar Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 If you have spent that much time with him, at his place, then you have seen him in his element. I do like the idea of inviting him for a run and cooking him a healthy dinner. Then he gets to see more of you in Your element. Maybe you just got too comfy, sitting around in sweats, pigging out, watching tv with the roomies doesn't sound too romantic, sounds like a couple who have gone past the moment of sparks. Maybe spending less time together and doing something different like you suggested, will help you to feel the "spark." You have said some great things about the guy, I wouldn't just write him off yet.
johan Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 For all my disgust, I recognize he has many of the qualities I am looking for. He is a good and loyal person, emotionally available, completely into me, and we have the exact same dark sense of humor and similar opinions. We have similar tastes and I love all his friends. I don't often meet someone with whom I connect so well. This is what is called "looking good on paper". If you don't respect him (and your use of the term "digust" makes that pretty evident), then it's not likely that your attitude toward him is going to improve. I also don't buy into the idea that you are rejecting him because he's not perfect. Out of some kind of fear of abandonment. I'm sure none of the guys you were with before were perfect, but they had enough of the right things going for them that you were able to easily overlook the flaws. That's how it will always be for you. So don't dwell on this fear of commitment thing too much.
Ariadne Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 If you respected him, you'd love his man tits, pelt of fur, and ogre neck. true true And eerie, this is the beginning of the end for this guy and there's no turning back.
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