libra91 Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Hey everyone, I am new here so please forgive me. I am in a relationship witha wonderful guy of over a year. Early in our relationship we both made a mistake and have been trying to re-kindle the love we once had. We both have forgiven but it still lingers in our relationship. He is 9 years older than me and I recently graduated high school this past May. We currently live together. I have 'moved on' in our relationship and am still madly in love with him. He tells me that he loves me but doesn't know if he is 'in love' with me. Its heartbreaking to hear that. He also tells me that he is afraid to break-up with me because he fears that he will realize what he had and it would be too late. But doesn't that tell you something right there? We haven't made-out or really had the same connection as we did in the beginning and I feel like he is pulling away from me. There are days even weeks that go by and its nothing but pure bliss but then those days that he comes home from work upset or stressed out or I do something to annoy him, he starts thinking about breaking up. I get so confused with the indecisiveness and it really does hurt. I love him so much. While he is older than me I feel like I am ready for a family and marriage rather than him. I feel like things are slowly getting better but we need help re-kindling the love we once had. I have nothing bad to say about my boyfriend because he is an incredible person with a heart of gold. We just made a mistake and are trying to work on our future. I am confused as to what to do as you are. If anyone has any comments I would greatly appreciate it.
Keridan Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Hello and welcome to Loveshack! Your situation is a tough one for many reasons. The fact that he is that much older and you just graduated HS means you are in two completely different places in your life. Just out of HS is a scary place to be in that kind of commitment. It can work out, but there is so much of life that never even begins till after you graduate. That might even be an issue for him because he's seen 9 years more of it and knows that you may not be ready. I realize the age gap isn't your point, but please consider it. You are at very different points in your life. I have dated a few younger women (less of a gap than yours) and it was always a problem for me because I was worried about when they would realize what they missed by settling so early when I already had an idea of what was to come. Maybe his problem is similar? There isn't really enough information in your post to give the best advice. What was the mistake? Did you both make it at the same time? What was early in your relationship?
Author libra91 Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 I completely understand what you are saying about the age difference, yes he has told me the same thing you just have on many occasions... But not everyone is that way. Some of us know what we want and as silly as it may sounds, our minds never change. To be honest I feel like in some ways I am more mature than he is. I know that he has experienced more things than I have and has lived through what is to come in my future... He sometimes tells me that he thinks about being with other women and what it would be like, seeing women he wants to pursue but can't because of our relationship. We haven't had any problems since our mistakes but it has taken a toll on our relationship. We broke up for a few days and I 'hooked up' with another guy... But before I did that he cheated... Early in our relationship like the first 4 months. I know I am young and that 'I have plenty of time ahead of me' but when you know he's the one for you... Noone and nothing else matters. Is it okay to feel confused? What should I do? I want him to be happy above all else... and of course I want to be happy.
Keridan Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Of course it's okay to be confused! If it weren't for confusion, this site would have VERY few posts. I actually didn't mean that you would change your mind or that you aren't mature. You sound very mature, in fact. It was more about the fears that come with someone not having had the experiences. I'm actually slightly concerned about him in the sense that he doesn't seem ready for the relationship and that may not be something you can fix. It's good that he's being honest about his concerns, but they have to be addressed. You can't just love him enough that all his fears and feelings are alleviated. I don't doubt your love, but your situation sounds tough. It sounds like you are ready to devote everything to him and he isn't ready to make the same commitment. Maybe try counseling? If you have the strength for it, maybe try some time apart? The problem here is that if he's not ready, you can't fix that. He has to be the one to do that. It sounds like you are talking about it and that is always the best start. Has this gotten worse lately? What brings you to post about it now?
Author libra91 Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 Thank you. Actually I have gotten that same feeling lately- that he is ready for a relationship... Idk. I understand what your saying. I am giving him everything I can and I've given him all of me, but like you said I cannot love him enough to make him love me... Its difficult to think about, being apart. To me taking time apart is setting up for a break-up. I'm terrified of losing him. Ahh I love him so much its just heart-breaking. It actually seems to be getting better but like I said its these spurts and mindsets he gets into where he doubts the relationship and us. I am afraid that he actually isn't 'in love' with me, that he just loves me like he says. But then I think: If you have a feeling that you might regret breaking up with someone, isn't there an underlying factor that deep down inside... Behind the walls that are up, that he is in love with me and that I just have to take it day by day taking down the bricks? What brings me to this sight? Lol you'll laugh... He actually did today he showed me the sight. Said that when he gets bored he comes on here and reads-he doesn't have an account- and just can relate to many situations he comes across on here... So I started reading and decided to post. I actually found a post that was very similar to my situation but there was only 1 response.
Keridan Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I think it's great that you found us and fun that you did it through him Just be aware that it is an opinion and support site. You won't always find your answer here. I'm sorry you are going through these feelings. It can be very hard, I know. It's especially hard when the decisions are really all up to him. You feel powerless to fix the thing that matters most in your life. It's caused me to run once or twice. I actually don't doubt that he loves you very much and his fear of regretting it does show some reason to hope. However, it is not everything. I also think his commitment fears aren't reason to give up hope. It's just a tough situation. Some relationships make it through these and some don't. Since you have already made your decision, told him your feelings, and are being patient with him, I have no great advice. Those would be the things I would suggest. Well, and counseling, but I don't know how you feel about that. Taking a break is scary, I know, and may not be your answer, but at least consider it, too. I really do hope this works out well for you! I'm sorry I don't have the sage advice that cures all.
Author libra91 Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 He has said that he feels like I am a companion to him... We drive in the car together, go to the movies, eat out, etc.. Also that he thinks its cause he's gotten comfortable with me. Is it weird that we no longer 'make-out' when we kiss it is usually a 'pop kiss' and I usually initiate it... I greatly appreciate the advice. Ha! If people had the power to give advice to fix everything this site wouldn't be here. haha.
Keridan Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Heh .. nice job of throwing that point back at me If yer worried about the physical aspects of the romance, there is more advice on that topic, but I didn't get the impression that was what you wanted. Was I wrong? And be careful here, this thread has just been us two so far (unusual), but you say the three-letter s word and it gets interesting to a large percentage of the population
Author libra91 Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 Ha well thank you for the advice... Oh so in order for people to reply I have to say that word? Is that what you ment lol... Hmph that is weird.
Keridan Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Not so much that it's a requirement. More that it's a promise of replies
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