Eve9 Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 I've been browsing around this forum for a while now, and it discourages me even more to find this "special someone" to fall in love with, and get married and whatnot. Mainly because I'm very afraid of being cheated on. Infidelity, adultery, affairs, whatever you want to call it, it just makes me so angry and upset! There's the selfish, cold-hearted, inconsiderate, and terrible excuse of a husband who cheats on his wife, and in some cases, leaves her for his other woman! And there's the betrayed husband who spends the rest of his life with his wife without ever knowing that she's been secretly having affairs (which makes me want to meddle into their lives and warn him!), and if the betrayed spouse actually does find out, they go through intense struggles, heartbreak and hard work in order to rebuild trust and going to marriage counseling, all of that which can take years and years to achieve, and even when it all works out, you can still never forget it. The statistics doesn't look so great either. Most marriages fail because of infidelity, most people cheat on their spouses, and I hear it's extremely difficult to find someone who will always be faithful and trust-worthy. I'm 21, and I never had a boyfriend because of my fear of being cheated on and being hurt by the guy I love, and it freaks me out! It sucks because I want to be loved and I have so much love to give, but I really don't wanna fall in love with someone who would lie to me, betray me and make me feel like fool. My friend (who had many boyfriends cheat on her, including by her now ex-fiancée) would always say things like "No matter how much you know the person, no matter how much you trust him with all your heart and soul, there is STILL a chance that he would do something completely unexpected and stab you in the heart". My eyes were wide in shock and I felt traumatized. I can see myself 50 years from now. Living old and alone with 27 cats. But I don't want that, I don't want to be lonely. I just don't know what to do... Link to post Share on other sites
Yer_Blues Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 You do not want to be lonely and do not want to be betrayed or hurt either. Unfortunately, there is no solution that guarantees happiness. There is one that guarantees that you won't be satisfied, and that's the cat woman route. If you have a desire for a relationship, you have to risk it. Cheating is not as inevitable as you make it out to be. When you get into a car, there is a chance you may not get out in one piece. It's the riskiest thing most people do in their lives on a daily basis. However, you wouldn't get all too far without motorized transportation. Look reality in the face and accept it, and watch it become less scary. Link to post Share on other sites
colliejoanie Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 One thing to always remember is that you can't control everything. You can't control ANYONE. That saying "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" is so true. I was cheated on my someone I thought was the most amazing man ever. I of course, was devistated at the time. But now, I take the good things from the relationship (and there were so many) and learn from them. I hope you're able to let your guard down, because it would be a lonely life to never love or feel love. EVERYONE, and I mean everyone feels rejection of some sort. Major, like cheating, or minor. But I believe thats how we become better people. By learning from our experiences. Link to post Share on other sites
Raderick Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 Good evening! One evening I had thought about this very idea. I had been in three relationships, two of them I had been cheated on. I've come to the conclusion that I have this very same fear, worried that I may fall in love with someone, and then later on they break my heart by ****ing some other guy. I've had trust issues with women all of my life because almost every woman in my life who I have known have let me down really bad in some way, shape or form (better discussed on another time and day). I tend to compare it to either being attacked by a shark or being in a plane crash. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it's big news, and it's to an extent overexposed. While the fear is real and justified, it shouldn't affect you dating too much. Maybe you should only do casual dating. While it isn't for me, maybe it will allow you to just have fun while putting no strings to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Madgick1 Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 Everyone fears this. It's devastating. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 Nothing wrong with living alone with cats. Welcome to LS Link to post Share on other sites
USCGAviator Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 Fear not. I've been hung out to dry and now I'm happier than ever and ALIVE. Don't be afraid to live Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eve9 Posted January 3, 2011 Author Share Posted January 3, 2011 Thank you guys. Maybe I should take a chance. But how do I prevent a guy from cheating on me? The more communication, the better? My friend says "strong relationship or weak relationship, either way he's still gonna cheat on you". I should really stop listening to her. She's always cynical when it comes to this subject, and who could blame her? Every guy she dated cheated on her. Link to post Share on other sites
USCGAviator Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 self respect and respect for the one your with.. balance those together with being yourself and who knows Link to post Share on other sites
musemaj11 Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 Never trust no one other than yourself. Accept that people are fickle. Accept that people change. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 Thank you guys. Maybe I should take a chance. But how do I prevent a guy from cheating on me? The more communication, the better? My friend says "strong relationship or weak relationship, either way he's still gonna cheat on you". I should really stop listening to her. She's always cynical when it comes to this subject, and who could blame her? Every guy she dated cheated on her. Not every guy cheats, just like not every woman cheats. You just have to be the type of girl guys don't cheat on. I can kind of understand where your friend is at. There is an illogical emotional response that acts like a defense mechanism. My cynicism isn't stopping me from trying.... it's just altered who I try with. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 Chose who you date carefully. The cheating type mentality is usually from those who are needy and love drama. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 Your friend is just hurting right now and sadly she is transferring her bitterness to you. I have friends who have tried to do the same and while I sympathize with people who have been hurt don't let it tar how you look at all of the opposite sex. I know I need to take my own advice as well but I admit that is easier said than done. The best way to prevent this is to really know the men you get involved with and let your head make the final decision instead of your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
MyNameIsJonas Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 My friend (who had many boyfriends cheat on her, including by her now ex-fiancée) would always say things like "No matter how much you know the person, no matter how much you trust him with all your heart and soul, there is STILL a chance that he would do something completely unexpected and stab you in the heart". My eyes were wide in shock and I felt traumatized. And by that same mentality, no matter how many times an airplane is checked for safety and/or mechanical issues, the engine could still fail and the plane could still crash. Does it happen? Yes. Does it happen a lot, or even occasionally? No. Does it prevent me from flying? Absolutely not. You shouldn't let worse case scenarios prevent you from doing what you want to do, which is date and try to find that special someone. Just keep an open mind, choose your dates carefully, and always have "one foot out the door" until you know the guy you are dating is actually legit (i.e. you two have had the exclusivity talk and such.) Link to post Share on other sites
love4me2c Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 I feel this way too. I recently ended my marriage due to infidelity. I don't know how to shake it. I'm constantly suspecting the worst. I am in a relationship now and I'm terrified of being cheated on. I'm constantly worried about what my boyfriend is doing and with whom when he's not with me. It is paralyzing. I try to tell myself, that no matter what, I'll be OK. Bottom line, you cannot control people. If someone really wants to cheat/have an affair, they'll find a way to do it. So, in closing, you just need to reaffirm to yourself that if something like that were to happen, you'll pick up the pieces and move on. Most cheating/affairs are born from unhappy relationships. Don't make your jealousy the thing that makes your relationship unhappy. That may, in fact, have the opposite effect! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eve9 Posted January 4, 2011 Author Share Posted January 4, 2011 But what happens if I marry this guy and he has an affair, without me ever knowing it? I could spend the rest of my life with someone who I assume was being faithtul to me, when he really wasn't. It hurts me that a wife would never ever EVER know that her husband was smooching some girl behind her back, and she would grow old and die with that adulterous jerk! I don't want that to happen to me! Link to post Share on other sites
musemaj11 Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 But what happens if I marry this guy and he has an affair, without me ever knowing it? I could spend the rest of my life with someone who I assume was being faithtul to me, when he really wasn't. It hurts me that a wife would never ever EVER know that her husband was smooching some girl behind her back, and she would grow old and die with that adulterous jerk! I don't want that to happen to me! What you dont know, wont hurt you. Besides, why are you making it sound like only men are cheating? A lot of men fear that they are going to get cheated on too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eve9 Posted January 4, 2011 Author Share Posted January 4, 2011 What you dont know, wont hurt you. Yes, but that also means that he's not going to get what he deserves, which is a big kick in the face! It would suck if he gets away with it. If someone cheats on their spouse, they deserve to suffer the consequences! Besides, why are you making it sound like only men are cheating? A lot of men fear that they are going to get cheated on too. I know that women cheat too, but I'm not going to marry a woman. Link to post Share on other sites
love4me2c Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Trust me if someone is cheating, it will eventually be known. I waited for proof for years. He finally gave it to me. I think it is VERY rare, especially today, for a man to get away with cheating. Eventually the truth comes out. But you know, don't dwell on "what ifs." It is very self destructive. Again, repeat to yourself, if something were to happen in my relationship, I will go on... and you will! Start living!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eve9 Posted January 4, 2011 Author Share Posted January 4, 2011 I think it is VERY rare, especially today, for a man to get away with cheating. Really? Even if it was a one night stand? Link to post Share on other sites
daphne Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 I can relate. I honestly believe the reason I haven't re married is because of the fear of being cheated on again. It's a pretty bad, soul crushing experience. Especially if you loved the person. The statistics are pretty bad. I think I read that 70% of marriages have experienced infidelity which makes sense if about 50% of women are cheating and 60% of men. Wouldn't it be nice if teh cheaters were married to each other? Doesn't usually work that way. I don't know the answer. If you're sensitive, it's going to bug you. It will probably happen at least once in your life. it happens to everyone. I don't think all cheaters are bad people. Selfish, yes, but just kind of stupid a lot of times. All you can do is live your life to be happy and try not to worry about it. It won't kill you. Just try not to be paranoid about it because you can't let it affect your quality of life. It's entirely too short. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eve9 Posted January 6, 2011 Author Share Posted January 6, 2011 You just have to be the type of girl guys don't cheat on. What do you mean exactly? Link to post Share on other sites
kdark Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Cheating is probably one of the least of my concerns in a relationship. If it happens, it happens. I'm more worried about my spouse being affected by terminal illnesses, life threatening accidents, or the relationship turning into a show where both man and women just fake it for the children. At least if someone cheats you know to end things. No grey area whatsoever. Link to post Share on other sites
810 Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 if infidelity is all you search for then it is what you will get --research purposes. however, if you're researching on love and successful relationships/marriages, you will see other wise. keep in mind, researches are done in a pool of population and there are many questionable factors included such as demographic, geographic, time/season when the research was done etc. so stop doing unnecessary/unpaid/no-class-credits researches your friend is hurting right now so she talks out of anger and bitterness. don't let it frightens you. being in love/loving someone is a wonderful feeling and act and so is loss...because of loss, you appreciate love and happy moments more. i often say Love is the 8th wonder of the world Read what these members wrote. I hope you don't let fear swallows you whole. One thing to always remember is that you can't control everything. You can't control ANYONE. That saying "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" is so true. I hope you're able to let your guard down, because it would be a lonely life to never love or feel love. EVERYONE, and I mean everyone feels rejection of some sort. Major, like cheating, or minor. But I believe thats how we become better people. By learning from our experiences. Fear not. I've been hung out to dry and now I'm happier than ever and ALIVE. Don't be afraid to live My cynicism isn't stopping me from trying.... it's just altered who I try with. Chose who you date carefully. The cheating type mentality is usually from those who are needy and love drama. don't dwell on "what ifs." It is very self destructive. Again, repeat to yourself, if something were to happen in my relationship, I will go on... and you will! Start living!!! Link to post Share on other sites
jenifer1972 Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 You have to accept that life is dangerous and unfair, and even if you never get in a relationship other people will hurt and betray you too. You should read the book" How to love him without losing you" at this point. Many great ideas on how to remain open to the good but not so open your life is destroyed if something goes wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts