I dont know how to do, what i think needs to be done!

[SexyBex]

Hi all

 

I am new here, and i know im probably skipping a intro section or something but i just need need need help. I need to nut this out, figure this out.

 

Basically, i will try and explain but things feel scattered in my head so will possibly come across as such here.... bare with me!

 

My fiance and i have been together for 6 years. We have two children.

 

He by all means is a wonderful man, a really great mate (my best friend by all means- knows me better than i know myself at time), is a wonderful father, etc etc and i do love him.

 

BUT, for so long now, when he touch's me i cringe, the thought of being intimate with him makes my skin crawl yet i am my normal sexual self (i have a high sex drive and am still desiring other men- just not him), i cannot kiss him i have to force myself, even then on the cheek is best i can do. His smell (you know how we all have our own smell? and when you love someone that smell makes you feel "safe" etc) well i cant stand it.

 

I am angry with him a lot of the time and he isn't even doing anything wrong, id almost say i feel resentful towards him but i don't know why.

 

I did separate from him, (under the same roof) in august this year, but he then moved back into the room and we gave it another go in late october this year.

 

During the separated period, i met another man. I did have an amazing fling with him, however, it did grow to be more. My fiance did not know about this, i didn't feel i was doing anything wrong as i had separated from him before i even met the other man.

 

When we decided to give it another go, i had already stopped seeing the other guy, not because i wanted too but i was spending to much time either with him or thinking about him and i didnt want to go from one r/s to another, so i was doing what i thought was right, especially by my kids. Then when my fiance and i decided to try again, i cut all contact with other man. However during December, text contact and one meet for a coffee only has occurred and i definitely do have feelings for him, &/or it has highlighted, the extent of my loss between my fiance and i.

 

Although to be honest, we (my fiance and i) have never had the type of passion, or connection- that electric connection, than that i have had with past lovers/boyfriends, and the man i was seeing during our separation.

 

Thing is, we (fiance and i) have been through so very much in our short 6 years. He had a VERY serious work place accident in 2007, which he has not returned to work, and will not be able too for the rest of his life. He survived but he is in chronic pain daily, psychology has PTSD, Depression which is comes and goes.

 

We have had 2 children. (the kids are my biggest concern)

 

We have alot of fury babies, 6 cats and 2 dogs (this concerns me too, as we discussed during the separation what animals would go with who)

 

There is so many factors, that i weight it all up with SO MANY.

 

It feels RIGHT to stay, for the kids, him (he loves me so dearly and does reply on me alot), the animals, his family ......

 

BUT, i just dont love him the way i WANT TOO.. i want to, believe me. I do. I am trying so hard to find whatever ive lost but i just cant. i keep thinking if i hang in there maybe it will come to me, ill find it.

 

I dont want to be separated, to have the kids going between us. Although i know we would be able to do it all amicably, week on week off.. etc my heart broke watching their hearts break back in august, i think part of the reason i tried again. COULDN'T handle watching especially our 5 year old heart break. It was affecting everything

 

Thing is, i have changed A LOT since the start of 2010. A LOT. i feel like i am stuck between my old life and my new life. Only way i can explain it.

 

I am so scared to make the wrong decision that i am choosing to stay put. I cant go anywhere yet anyway, as we are awaiting our settlement, money we desperately need.

 

Im also so very aware of my mother and he habits of going from one relationship to another. All my life i have tried to not do the same, and i am scared i will now. I haven't perpetuated this so far, but the way i feel when im with the other man, is just indescribable. However, there is things about him that bother me and concern me- that although not too much of an issue could become one. Not saying i want perfect, im not perfect so i dont expect it. BUT, im just very aware of myself, and aware of what i can tolerate and what i cant. I dont think we should expect anyone to change for us, and he is a smoker. I cannot stand smoking, so this i see as a possible issue. I do not expect him to quit for me, so.

 

BUT i am trying to not even think about him, but its hard. There is so many boxes he ticks for me, and the way i feel when im with him BUT then i think to myself, is it just because of the current situation im in, that it feels this way with him OR is this legit and what we feel together is real?!

 

OK, STILL WITH ME? lol ill be surprised, im sure most have given up by now or got confused. Hell knows i am lol

 

You know one thing i have identified that i believe is my biggest issue with my fiance, is our age difference. He is younger than me. I had never dated a younger man before i met him. NEVER. All my lovers, or Partners were minimum 8-10 years my senior.

 

I do feel it has ALOT to do with what we are missing, for me. Him, he is so very content and happy. Which i feel even more guilty about :0(

 

I do not want to hurt him, or our children. I love them all so dearly. Just, the love for him, isnt what it should be and i dont know what to do.

 

I cant do this any more!!

 

My eyes are forever wondering, i find myself thinking things i wish i wasnt (i.e about going out and meeting someone, moving on etc)

 

He is such a wonderful person, he is funny, great morals etc.

 

Then there is our relationship and what it has endured since the inception. He has lied to me regarding other girls 3 times. All texting/emails etc but all the same, a lie is a lie and i CANNOT stand lying. He has been physically abusive 3 times. They have been since his accident so i/we have put it down to the change in him, the depression/PTSD (he just looses control). I try not to think of myself as a " battered wife" because the accident wasnt his fault, the times he got physical wernt anything like some i hear about so i just try and soldier on.; However, the most recent (october 2010) has severely affected the children which i am devastated about. Funny enough, it was 4 days after that incident that we started giving it a go. I cant help but wonder if what happened had me i dunno, somehow . Argh i dont know.

 

(big sigh)

 

I dont know what to do.

 

So many factors.

 

If we separate i am afraid to be alone. Not without a man, i am more than capable and ok with that, i dont NEED a man in my life. I mean, my blood family is pretty no existent, so he, the kids and his parents are all the family i have. I am so scared what will happen if and when we sep, that his folks would back him up etc etc? i mean it may not even go down that path, they may be totally amicable etc but i cant help but over think it all and try and work out what could or would happen WHICH i realise is not helpful but, its what i do. sigh.

 

 

Has anyone been in this or a similar position? Im open to advice etc etc i really dont expect answers from you, but i do know to share is to care and something you may know or have experience could help me..... the smallest things make the biggest differences.

 

There is so much more i haven't included, god i could go on.

 

I have stuck by him through so much, the lies, the his accident which had me caring for him for the first 2 years, whilst being pregnant with out second and during his first few years. I was working FT as well as carrying this family. My SO would do some cleaning, and care for the children when they weren't in child care, but i took and still do, take care of everything. I have to organise everything be it drs, bills, food etc etc etc etc etc etc

 

I never wanted to become a statistic, and i hate that it looks like we will. And please believe me i am trying to find a way to avoid this, for us and mostly for the kids. BUT i desperately want to feel that love, that passion, that satisfaction of opening my eyes next to my man and smiling, not feeling the way i do when i see him there. Or how i feel when he touches me. I cant explain how i feel, but i just cant stand it.

 

Any questions, for clarity or so on, please ask. Because i really do NEED your help and would open to listen to what you have to say.... negative or positive.

 

I thank you if you made it this far....

Edited January 3, 2011 by SexyBex

[hopesndreams]

You are highly selfish and emotionally immature. The best thing to do is leave him so he could find someone worthy of his love and someone not repelled by his smell. I also suggest you leave the kids with him so they don't drag you down while you are out seeking whatever/whoever.

[health]

I can see you're hurting. It is selfish though. You're looking out for your own pleasure and excitement. Are you comfortable telling him about your fling?

You should be - you should actually bring that up to him. The truth should be put out there - otherwise it'll eat at you.

 

I think what you did with the fling wasn't right - why did you get with him?

Sounds like you liked him as just a friend.

 

Did you leave another guy for him?

 

I think you need to work on yourself and not be like your Mom - otherwise you may end up just like her - and I sense your conscience doesn't want that.

[SexyBex]

Your right that i would be coming across selfish, but i can assure you i am not a selfish person. Actually I have had to force myself to be selfish since June last year (2010), because up until that time i gave EVERYTHING to him and my children! EVERYTHING..

 

to the point i had nothing left. Nothing! I was a mere image of my former self.

 

It was due to a health scare middle of last year i woke up and realised that when you put everyone else around you, BEFORE YOU, it leaves you in a very bad way. I was severely depressed, i had let myself go physically, i was beyond miserable because all i did, was for others.

 

So you know what, if i am coming across selfish right now, so be it. But i know who i am, i am happier now that i am taking care of me first, and them second. Dont get me wrong, he and my children still get breakfast before i, and so on.... BUT, i MAKE SURE i am doing for myself.

 

As for having a go at my parenting or abilities as a mother? excuse me? Exactly how or when did i ask for your opinion regarding my abilities or mothering? ........... and as for my emotional maturity, your right, because someone with such immaturity would be putting so much fore thought and truly soul searching into why they feel the way they do?!!!!

 

You know, i think i made a grave mistake in thinking this forum was a place to come for constructive advice and or support.

 

The first reply was by far not constructive, nor supportive. Have an opinion but for gods sake, pick your time when to give it.

 

The second reply, thank you i appreciate your opinion given you were at least trying to be constructive and helpful, yet still able to get your opinion across. As for hurting, more than you could ever know!! Was my fling ' right ' .... i do not feel guilty for it, and i am human! However, i do not agree he should know. I know him, and i know he wouldn't want to know.

 

Thank you again to the second poster.

[health]

Your right that i would be coming across selfish, but i can assure you i am not a selfish person. Actually I have had to force myself to be selfish since June last year (2010), because up until that time i gave EVERYTHING to him and my children! EVERYTHING..

 

to the point i had nothing left. Nothing! I was a mere image of my former self.

 

It was due to a health scare middle of last year i woke up and realised that when you put everyone else around you, BEFORE YOU, it leaves you in a very bad way. I was severely depressed, i had let myself go physically, i was beyond miserable because all i did, was for others.

 

So you know what, if i am coming across selfish right now, so be it. But i know who i am, i am happier now that i am taking care of me first, and them second. Dont get me wrong, he and my children still get breakfast before i, and so on.... BUT, i MAKE SURE i am doing for myself.

 

As for having a go at my parenting or abilities as a mother? excuse me? Exactly how or when did i ask for your opinion regarding my abilities or mothering? ........... and as for my emotional maturity, your right, because someone with such immaturity would be putting so much fore thought and truly soul searching into why they feel the way they do?!!!!

 

You know, i think i made a grave mistake in thinking this forum was a place to come for constructive advice and or support.

 

The first reply was by far not constructive, nor supportive. Have an opinion but for gods sake, pick your time when to give it.

 

The second reply, thank you i appreciate your opinion given you were at least trying to be constructive and helpful, yet still able to get your opinion across. As for hurting, more than you could ever know!! Was my fling ' right ' .... i do not feel guilty for it, and i am human! However, i do not agree he should know. I know him, and i know he wouldn't want to know.

 

Thank you again to the second poster.

 

Do your thing and the best of luck. Just make sure all is good in the end.

 

Consider these words:

Relationships with spouses and with children, as with other relationships tend toward entropy - toward disorder and disolution. One of the most vicious and wasteful cycles in life is the cycle of marriage and divorce - of short term romances and affairs - with all the frightful consequences to children, both those born and those aborted.

 

I would say work on your marriage as best you can, then you can say you've given it your all - next stay single for one full year after the divorce is settled - it can get tricky, good luck!

[lkjh]

Your right that i would be coming across selfish, but i can assure you i am not a selfish person. Actually I have had to force myself to be selfish since June last year (2010), because up until that time i gave EVERYTHING to him and my children! EVERYTHING..

 

to the point i had nothing left. Nothing! I was a mere image of my former self.

 

It was due to a health scare middle of last year i woke up and realised that when you put everyone else around you, BEFORE YOU, it leaves you in a very bad way. I was severely depressed, i had let myself go physically, i was beyond miserable because all i did, was for others.

 

So you know what, if i am coming across selfish right now, so be it. But i know who i am, i am happier now that i am taking care of me first, and them second. Dont get me wrong, he and my children still get breakfast before i, and so on.... BUT, i MAKE SURE i am doing for myself.

 

As for having a go at my parenting or abilities as a mother? excuse me? Exactly how or when did i ask for your opinion regarding my abilities or mothering? ........... and as for my emotional maturity, your right, because someone with such immaturity would be putting so much fore thought and truly soul searching into why they feel the way they do?!!!!

 

You know, i think i made a grave mistake in thinking this forum was a place to come for constructive advice and or support.

 

The first reply was by far not constructive, nor supportive. Have an opinion but for gods sake, pick your time when to give it.

 

The second reply, thank you i appreciate your opinion given you were at least trying to be constructive and helpful, yet still able to get your opinion across. As for hurting, more than you could ever know!! Was my fling ' right ' .... i do not feel guilty for it, and i am human! However, i do not agree he should know. I know him, and i know he wouldn't want to know.

 

Thank you again to the second poster.

 

 

A selfish person would not realize that they are selfish. Everything you write is concerned about one thing and one thing only, you. You are selfish. You even justify your cheating by saying you were separated, sorry but living under the same roof, doing daily activities together such as carrying for the kids, cooking and ect is not separated.

 

 

You need to be honest and let him find someone who is capable of being in a relationship. The fact that you immediately started dating another guy shows that you are the type of person that jumps from one person to the next. The fact that you do this while still involved with the former person shows that you do not truly care for the former person

[robf1971]

(my best friend by all means- knows me better than i know myself at time),

 

During the separated period, i met another man. I did have an amazing fling with him,

 

Then there is our relationship and what it has endured since the inception. He has lied to me regarding other girls 3 times. All texting/emails etc but all the same, a lie is a lie and i CANNOT stand lying.

 

He has been physically abusive 3 times. r....

 

Best friends don't stab each other in the back

[robf1971]

Hi all

 

 

 

BUT, for so long now, when he touch's me i cringe, the thought of being intimate with him makes my skin crawl yet i am my normal sexual self (i have a high sex drive and am still desiring other men- just not him), During the separated period, i met another man. I did have an amazing fling with him, however, it did grow to be more. My fiance did not know about this, i didn't feel i was doing anything wrong as i had separated from him before i even met the other man.

 

 

Sorry but your hubby, should have kicked you to the kerb

[2.50 a gallon]

I know you probably cannot pin point the exact moment that you started having these negative feelings toward your fiance. But is it possible that you can get to the general time.

 

Such as after his accident, or after his EA's, or perhaps after he turned violent toward you

 

Have you tried an IC to maybe help you in this area?

 

Expect to be knocked around by most of the poster on this site, as many have suffered through their partner cheating on them

 

They will gloss over that he cheated on you, and has been violent with you

 

If he has been physically abusive, has he gotten any help in that area, anger managment? If not, why not. You must consider your and your kids safety. And even the furry ones.

 

As far as being selfish, I think it is healthy to be a little bit selfish at times. I am one of the fortunate ones that is in a long time loving relationship, and part of the reason for our success is that she lets me do my own things, such as my hobbies. Having that freedom I am free to live and share my life with her. And at the same time, I encourage her to be a little bit selfish, and follow her pursuits. And it that way We come first.

[Zodiac23]

I am just curious, you state in your first post above that you HATE lying or Liars but are you not lying to your fiancé about this other man?

 

If I was your fiancé I would prefer you to just tell me what is going on and then go. Go take care of you and I will find someone else.

[Steadfast]

Please clarify which man you are talking about; is it the lying, abusive, foul smelling father of your children, or "He by all means is a wonderful man, a really great mate (my best friend by all means- knows me better than i know myself at time), is a wonderful father, etc etc and i do love him."

 

What are you asking for? Just the right combination of words to justify cheating and betrayal? The truth is, you're going to portray this man in the worst light possible because you've already made up your mind to leave him. In my opinion, what you're really looking for is support and sympathy; you will face harsh consequences. Every cheater eventually does. The self-serving road you are on takes you directly to that place.

 

If you want advice, mine would to be stop focusing on yourself and do whatever is best for your children. Start putting them first in all things, and seeking truth and doing what is right today. Allow your mind and spirit to re-focus by putting away selfish desires. In time, what you need to do will present itself clearly and you'll be able to make wise choices. Fullfilling relationships are earned; not granted. You get what you put into them.

[robf1971]

Hi all

 

Although to be honest, we (my fiance and i) have never had the type of passion, or connection- that electric connection, than that i have had with past lovers/boyfriends, and the man i was seeing during our separation.

 

....

 

Script! classic infidlity history rewrite and a crock of sh*t.

[goingstrong]

Yikes...good luck with all that.

 

 

Talking about skinnin on out when the going gets tough. Maybe he should post so we can warn him before he makes the biggest mistake of his life. You should post on the infidelity forum...you'll get more sympathy.

Edited January 4, 2011 by goingstrong