Mrlonelyone Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I have done some reading about relationships and what people look for. Every source I have read says we look for someone who can sooth that inner child. If we did not get enough hugs, we want lots of hugs. If we did not have lots of playmates we look for playmates. If we had a parent who was absent or abusive we look for someone to take the place of that parent. For my part, how to say this... I have been looking for a connection. When i was a small child I did not have people my age around to play with. Further I was often caught discussing adult topics with adults. Being the 1980's it was usually cold war politics... and nuclear war doctrine. Great things for a child to think about. So what I look for in a partner...looking back on all of them. The EX I have written so much about, another EX who I lived with, and the new woman who I'm not sure I can really give myself to completely... they are all very creative high IQ people like myself that I can connect to and just be myself around. Their aren't a ton of people I can do that with. How about the rest of you? What unmet need have your SO's EX's etc been there to fill. What does your inner child crave? As yourself that question and you'll find the answer for what you seek.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 My "inner child" has been dead for years Well your inner teenager then.
shayan Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I had really strong females in my family. Especially my eldest sister, so I look for a strong woman.
highlibidolady Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I can relate to the hugs part as my father was never very touchy-feely at all (even with my mother). Other than that I'm not sure about myself.. but it's funny with my sister.. one time she was ranting to me about her boyfriend's mother and how she was being (this) and doing (that) and I found myself thinking - that's YOUR personality too exactly! I also felt that her boyfriend's brother's girlfriend had a very similar personality (kind of bossy and control freakish). haha. I read somewhere that deep down we search for someone with the traits of our opposite sex parent and THAT I can definitely relate to when I think back to my exes. Sometimes good traits but I was usually subconsciously attracted to the bad ones
Woggle Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 This might be true. I married my mother pretty much the first time around though I certain broke the cycle the 2nd time around.
Kowaco Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 I’ve heard variations of that and I know I’m attracted to a certain type of woman but I usually end up with the opposite. The problem is that I think what I call love or chemistry is that attraction to the missing part of us.
westrock Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Great post Mrlonelyone. Every source I have read says we look for someone who can sooth that inner child. If we did not get enough hugs, we want lots of hugs. If we did not have lots of playmates we look for playmates. If we had a parent who was absent or abusive we look for someone to take the place of that parent. I agree that we look for someone who can sooth that inner child. However, I believe how we go about it is opposite to what we think. If we didn't get enough hugs, logic would say that we will look for someone who will give us hugs. However, usually what happens is the opposite. We end up being attracted to someone who acts just like the parent who didn't give us hugs. This is what Kowaco has observed. I’ve heard variations of that and I know I’m attracted to a certain type of woman but I usually end up with the opposite. The problem is that I think what I call love or chemistry is that attraction to the missing part of us. I believe what happens is that we are attracted to the same type of personality type as the parent that we felt least connected with. We do this in an effort to re-create the past in hopes of soothing or healing the past emotional wounds. We will continue to be attracted to the scenarios that recreate our past emotional wounds until we come to terms with our past. We need to sooth our own inner child and cannot rely on others to do so.
westrock Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 My "inner child" has been dead for years This is an interesting observation. I don't know you personally, so I will make a general observation. Someone's "inner child" may be dead, but their "inner child" is still affecting them to this day. I will give you an example. For example, a child may have grown up with a critical parent who would criticize the child and never praise the child for any accomplishments. That child, fearful of being criticized and desiring to gain the love of the parent, may become a perfectionist. From a child's perspective it makes sense. The child may hate their childhood, but their approach carries through into adulthood. The child once they become an adult may enter a profession where attention to details and perfectionism is a valued trait. Other children in response to a critical parent may decide to rebel to gain attention/love of the parent (even if it is negative attention). If the child learns to associate rebellion with attention/love, that child may grow up being a rebel against the norms of society or more practically engaging in thrill seeking behavior that general society would not engage in. Nothing wrong with being in a profession where perfection is required, or enjoying thrill seeking behavior. Society needs people of all personality types. But, it all starts with that inner child that is still there affecting us to this day.
tykira Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 My inner child is cold, hurt, neglected, abandoned and alone. She never got the long, warm hugs she needed to affirm her worth and importance. She was hurt from a horrible, abusive father and neglected from her closest childhood friend. She was also hurt, neglected and scorn from a church family her mother forces her to see every week. Her mind is a constant battle from ADHD, Borderline disorder, Jealousy, Envy and Obsession with attraction/unrequited love to her childhood friend. She's had to deal with these nightmares every night for the past 18 years after many failed counseling services and prayers. She even had to take medication, but to no avail. She's been very, very sick for a long time. She can't take the pain anymore. Earlier in her life, she couldn't decide wheither to take her own life, turn to drugs or just abandon her religious beliefs to live her own life. She's been stuck in her 'room' for a long, long time and doesn't know how to get out. She doesn't know how to forgive those who've hurt her or if she does, she doesn't know how to trust people again. She's scared of the world because the world hates her. The world doesn't want another ugly, black, slow, nappy-headed chunky girl with glasses. They ignore her and worship the girl next to her. She's inferior compared to her close friend to the world, although she's not so different from her. The world idolizes her and favorites her and her family. But despite the whole world, the little girl's friend treated her like a treasure, like something far more than she's worth. The little girl never had that feeling before, not at home or at school. The little girl never felt so happy before! She found the one special thing that made her life feel complete. But then her friend became distant, stopped talking to her all together. She was heartbroken. Her friend chose new friends and boys over their friendship. Neglect and loneliness were her friends again. She kept asking herself, "What did I do wrong? Did i say something stupid? Did i sound stupid?" A year or two later, she sunk into a deep depression. She shut herself in her room, she was always angry when something's not right. She began speaking more articulate and reading books, gaining more knowledge. She began dieting and exercising, even to the point of extreme measures. She tried to lighten her skin with multiple bleaching creams. She did ALL of these things just so she could get her friend back. Only to find out her friend said, "I want to look for different things. I'm sorry." And she dated a boy the little girl secretly admired, but never spoken about. The little girl fell into a dark pit of sorrow after that. She wasn't just sad over the lost opportunity with the boy, but over the lost of the 'special-ness' she thought she could have from a dying friendship with her friend. The little girl truly believes that without this friendship, without this person in her life, she's as good as dead. She can never be happy again. She'll never know what true love is. Everything is a lie to her. So she keeps herself in her 'room' to keep the lies from coming in and killing her. My inner child's more open to different people and new friendships now than back then. But it's hard for her to keep them because of the pain of neglect and abandonment friendship leaves for her. Nobody wants to really be her friend, they only want something from her. Once they're done with her, they'll leave again. It's just how life is for her.
shayan Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 tykira I've read some of your past posts, and I've learned alot about your life. one things though does become apparent the past is holding you back, you have to find a way to let go of the baggage. And I think it's going to take come effort, otherwise I think you'll continue to live out the old patterns of your life. feel free to pm me if you ever want to talk.
tykira Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 I don't think this site will allow us to communicate to each other. Can't find any PM buttons or anything.
tykira Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 tykira I've read some of your past posts, and I've learned alot about your life. one things though does become apparent the past is holding you back, you have to find a way to let go of the baggage. And I think it's going to take come effort, otherwise I think you'll continue to live out the old patterns of your life. feel free to pm me if you ever want to talk. I don't think this site will allow us to communicate to each other. Can't find a PM button or anything like one.
Trinity2 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 tykira I've read some of your past posts, and I've learned alot about your life. one things though does become apparent the past is holding you back, you have to find a way to let go of the baggage. And I think it's going to take come effort, otherwise I think you'll continue to live out the old patterns of your life. feel free to pm me if you ever want to talk. That is really nice:)
shayan Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 that is wierd because I can't pm you either I think you have to become an established member first.
tykira Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 that is wierd because I can't pm you either I think you have to become an established member first. Oh, ok. Well maybe you can reach me by email. [email protected]
smilesalot1 Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 I have done some reading about relationships and what people look for. Every source I have read says we look for someone who can sooth that inner child. If we did not get enough hugs, we want lots of hugs. If we did not have lots of playmates we look for playmates. If we had a parent who was absent or abusive we look for someone to take the place of that parent. For my part, how to say this... I have been looking for a connection. When i was a small child I did not have people my age around to play with. Further I was often caught discussing adult topics with adults. Being the 1980's it was usually cold war politics... and nuclear war doctrine. Great things for a child to think about. So what I look for in a partner...looking back on all of them. The EX I have written so much about, another EX who I lived with, and the new woman who I'm not sure I can really give myself to completely... they are all very creative high IQ people like myself that I can connect to and just be myself around. Their aren't a ton of people I can do that with. How about the rest of you? What unmet need have your SO's EX's etc been there to fill. What does your inner child crave? As yourself that question and you'll find the answer for what you seek. If this is the fact APPARENTLY I was too well taken care of so I may be searching for someone to nuture and take a bunch of BS from, but I am a fixer...why do ALL the men in my come to me broken and a need of fixing? And why to I try so hard to do it no matter the cost to me because it NEVER pays off.
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