semi-open relationship

[420daze]

I am new so bare with me, and sorry if this is long but I need to vent but I am too embarrassed to talk to my friends about it. My fiance and I have been together for 4 years, almost 5 and have been in a semi-open relationship. Basically, we have friends who we are swingers with and have been involved with them for 4 years; all four of us are present whenever we do things with each other. There is never any secrecy between us 4 and everything has always been great with them.

 

Anyway, his best friend from jr. high is this girl and I started hanging out with her about 3 or 4 months ago. We became good friends, WAY too fast.

 

I've always known that she was kind of a .."slut" if you will but gave her the benefit of the doubt. She's married and cheats on her man, etc. He found out about the cheating and recently opened up their marriage to other people. My man and I have very specific rules with our lifestyle. One, is that we can't have emotional affairs; two is that we always must be present (swinger parties), third is no kissing other people with tongue and 4 is NO THREESOMES. I hate threesomes and always have; to me, three is a crowd.

 

Last night my fiance, she and I were drinking and got pretty drunk. She started joking about a threesome and my fiance started joking around and then they started the shower and asked me if we could have a threesome. I stupidly said yes; I wasn't in the best state of mind, but I said yes like an idiot.

 

Anyway, after we were done she called her husband and told him to come over then dragged my fiance down the stairs for a "wife-swap." This, I did not agree to. She pretty much told us that was what was happening, didn't ask permission or anything (the other couple we swing with ALWAYS ask permission to do things that might make the other person uncomfortable).. my fiance didn't put up a fight about it. Her husband hit on me and we had sex for a little while, but neither of us got off or anything so we stopped. Keep in mind, I've only had actual sex with 4 people in my entire life, so this was really uncomfortable to me. They ****ed downstairs and I could hear them and got sick to my stomach.

 

I feel as though all of our boundaries were crossed last night. I am so mad and I feel so hurt right now. I am embarrassed and ashamed because I gave into their provocation. Swinging has been fine with the friends that we TRUST, but this whole thing just ruined it for me. Before this, we'd never actually had full-on sex with other people; it was just us girls fooling around and the men watching and fooling with us - but we only ever had sex with our actual partners. Now I can't even look at him or talk to him and I am worried that this has ruined our relationship. I've learned my lesson at this point, but I feel so cheated and I can't think of anything else to describe it other than disgust. I feel like last night I couldn't think straight; I couldn't even sit upright and I feel so freaking stupid for saying yes to any of it. I didn't know the "wife-swap" was going to happen, but when she lead him down the stairs my heart sank and my stomach has been turning and I've felt sick ever since all of this went down.

[Ophelia11]

I don't really have any advice aside from talking it our with your bf. You were drunk and things went way too far. i would be disgusted also. I am sorry that this happened to you.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Now that the door has been opened to that extent your fiance will expect it to stay open. If this doesn't make you happy you may want to consider leaving while you still can.

[420daze]

I don't think that is that case, we didn't get HIS side of the story Borgia.

Edited January 3, 2011 by 420daze

[Untouchable_Fire]

I feel as though all of our boundaries were crossed last night. I am so mad and I feel so hurt right now. I am embarrassed and ashamed because I gave into their provocation. Swinging has been fine with the friends that we TRUST, but this whole thing just ruined it for me. Before this, we'd never actually had full-on sex with other people; it was just us girls fooling around and the men watching and fooling with us - but we only ever had sex with our actual partners. Now I can't even look at him or talk to him and I am worried that this has ruined our relationship. I've learned my lesson at this point, but I feel so cheated and I can't think of anything else to describe it other than disgust. I feel like last night I couldn't think straight; I couldn't even sit upright and I feel so freaking stupid for saying yes to any of it. I didn't know the "wife-swap" was going to happen, but when she lead him down the stairs my heart sank and my stomach has been turning and I've felt sick ever since all of this went down.

 

From a guys perspective... I just don't see how your fiancé did anything wrong. This woman was overly aggressive... but you also agreed to it. It just seems like buyers remorse to me.

 

It seems like experiences like this are just part of the lifestyle. Maybe just stick to playing with this one other couple and make certain that it is a hard and fast rule.

 

As for this particular incident... I don't know what to say to help you get past it.

[420daze]

From a guys perspective... I just don't see how your fiancé did anything wrong. This woman was overly aggressive... but you also agreed to it. It just seems like buyers remorse to me.

 

It seems like experiences like this are just part of the lifestyle. Maybe just stick to playing with this one other couple and make certain that it is a hard and fast rule.

 

As for this particular incident... I don't know what to say to help you get past it.

 

 

Sorry for the post above.

 

Apparently he hacked into my account.

 

Anyway, I don't hold him entirely accountable. I know I played a part. I have talked to him and he seems very sorry and regretful, as am I. She also does, but I don't really want a friendship with her anymore.

 

I guess what kills me is that something I have ALWAYS (always, always, ALWAYS!!!!!!) said is that I am NOT down with threesomes. It's been one of our rules since all of this started. If the threesome had never happened, none of the rest would have followed. BOTH of them knew that I do not like threesomes, yet they both seemed happy pressuring me into the whole thing. He was being explicit with some public-displays of affection and she kept talking about threesomes and telling me about how curious she was about him. And not long after all of that, he turned on the shower and I pretty much felt like I was put on the spot. Another rule that we have is that there can't be an emotional connection with the people you fool around with. This woman was his best friend for many years.

 

When her husband came over, both my fiance and I thought that this would be more of an "orgy" where all four of us would be involved with each other, but when he got there she demanded a wife-swap and dragged him downstairs.

 

I'm annoyed I guess. I feel like with how drunk I was, it should have been a red flag. I can't trust my man to protect me or even HELP keep me out of these things. I don't drink often at all and this is one of the reasons why. I feel like I get too stupid and incoherent to take care of problems and I can't hold my own. At the same time, I don't feel like I should have to worry about things happening when I'm with two people who trust (or thought I could.)

Edited January 4, 2011 by 420daze
spelling

[sally4sara]

The situation stinks for sure and I sympathize that you went through it.

 

But you are a grown up. Grown ups acknowledge their choices. Lots of things you could have done in the moment that would have made the situation turn out different.

You say it was known that you don't like threesomes. Okay, but its human nature to push people's boundaries. Simply being in that situation and your lifestyle choice is going to have others wondering if "I don't like (whatever)" also means "I'll never do (whatever)". Its your responsibility to convey how adamant you are about not doing something even if you'd voiced a lack of interest in it in the past. People say things all the time and then do the opposite. And quite often these same people regret having done the opposite after the fact. It was still their choice to do the opposite. Not acknowledging your own part in the outcome and focusing only on the actions of others will have you learning nothing from it.

 

It was your choice to passively go with the flow of that night. I hear you're upset with his actions and you're upset with her actions.

Really, I think you're upset with yourself for having not kept to your resolve. Work on that. Find out why you deviated and became a follower in the moment and what you can do to be more uncompromising on the boundaries you know you need in your life. Then forgive yourself. Till you can forgive yourself, you're not going to be able to forgive anyone else involved in that night.

[sally4sara]

I'm annoyed I guess. I feel like with how drunk I was, it should have been a red flag. I can't trust my man to protect me or even HELP keep me out of these things. I don't drink often at all and this is one of the reasons why. I feel like I get too stupid and incoherent to take care of problems and I can't hold my own. At the same time, I don't feel like I should have to worry about things happening when I'm with two people who trust (or thought I could.)

 

You said all of you were drinking. If your alcohol consumption impaired you from being responsible for yourself, I'm not sure how you can pin it on your also impaired BF for not protecting you. You should be able to protect yourself too. This wasn't some brutish hulking man raping you - it was another woman pushing for a hedonistic experience. They ASKED you. You said yes. All three of you were impaired via alcohol. Why are you able to shrug off responsibility by claiming your were impaired by drinking but the same doesn't apply to them?

 

Playing the victim in this situation won't serve you well. You were not a victim. You're a person without convictions. The good news is you don't have to stay that way.

[Feelin Frisky]

420daze, I say the same thing to others who are thinking about this "open" business: initially it seems exciting in your mind. But as soon as you do it in reality, you surrender any real control. That's what happens. Add alcohol and a free-wheeling loose cannon you didn't plan on and boom. The way you disclosed all of this sounded like you really acquiesced to everything as if you were a hapless part of someone else's dream. You actually let this other guy have you for a bit. That's pretty powerless if you ask me. Maybe this is your wake up call. I think it takes a certain kind of person to "not feel" the feeling associated with open relationships. It's a tad sociopathic to me. I'm a "feeler" and would not roll the dice with that ever. Maybe you are a feeler deep down too.

[make me believe]

I guess what kills me is that something I have ALWAYS (always, always, ALWAYS!!!!!!) said is that I am NOT down with threesomes. It's been one of our rules since all of this started.

 

Then why did you agree to have a threesome?! I know they cajoled you & talked you into it or whatever, but when they turned on the shower, you could have given them a big "f**k you" and walked away. YOU made the choice to get into that shower and participate in the threesome. YOU also made the choice to have sex with her husband while she had sex with your fiance.

 

I think you need to stop blaming everyone else and have a serious talk with your fiance. He needs to own up to the fact that he totally disrespected you & crossed your boundaries. Honestly, if he respected you, the threesome talk would have stopped as soon as it started.

 

But you keep talking about this situation like it was all forced upon you. They talked about having a threesome & turned on the shower, so you "had" to get in and participate..? The other woman "dragged" your husband downstairs and her husband hit on you so apparently you had nothing to do with the fact that you then had sex with her husband?? I'm sorry but you really need to take responsibility for what you CHOSE to do. I would also rethink things with your fiance since he showed such blatant disrespect for you.

[420daze]

I don't get why people are attacking me when I already said I don't hold him entirely accountable and that I already KNOW that I played a part in it. I am just frustrated and regretful because of how far things were carried out.

 

Obviously none of you have had to deal with being pressured into something and then feeling regretful because you didn't say no.

 

As for "make me believe" I wasn't ever blaming everyone else. Maybe you should go back to school for reading comprehension.

[420daze]

And for the record, I DID say no to the threesome many times. No should mean no. People shouldn't keep pressing on about it.

[stillafool]

I think it is interesting that your fiance didn't ask you if you were comfortable with having sex with this strange guy. It seems he was so excited to have sex with this other woman that he just went along. If you haven't had sex with the man of the couple you trust, why would your fiance even want you to have sex with this stranger. I think he should have been more concerned about how you felt.

[sally4sara]

I don't get why people are attacking me when I already said I don't hold him entirely accountable and that I already KNOW that I played a part in it. I am just frustrated and regretful because of how far things were carried out.

 

Obviously none of you have had to deal with being pressured into something and then feeling regretful because you didn't say no.

As for "make me believe" I wasn't ever blaming everyone else. Maybe you should go back to school for reading comprehension.

 

No dear, plenty of us have dealt with pressure and deviated away from our convictions. But those of us who don't cave under pressure anymore arrived there by recognizing our part in it and not continuing to be so easily manipulated when faced with peer pressure the next time someone pushed our boundaries. Telling us we are "attacking you" is just a reflection of what YOU do when others expect you to protect yourself. You feel attacked because deep down, you know you'll cave. You seem too comfortable in the victim role so anything less then coddling has you feeling vulnerable and attacked. I suggest some individual counseling for assertiveness and becoming more comfortable with saying NO!. Pleasing others is a nice quality but not at your own expense. Step into the role of being your own protector that way you'll always have someone who has your back no matter who you date or whatever lifestyle you choose.

[missdependant]

My husband and I are also swingers, so maybe you will like my insight (I have been lurking for information on threesomes and ran across this.) I don't think I have met anyone in an open relationship that didn't have a very specific set of rules. My husband and I have never had issues with rules not being followed, but I feel that we have a lot of respect for each other in our relationship these days. IMO, if you told them no once, then they should have respected that, plain and simple. You're right, NO means NO. I also agree with stillafool. I can understand where you're coming from. I have a friend who did the whole "wife-swap" thing willingly and it still caused a lot of problems. They both thought they could handle it, but they couldn't. I really don't have experience with a "wife-swap" because we've never tried but I would imagine that would be hurtful even if you agreed to it. I think you guys will be okay, just make sure you talk it out when things are bothering either of you. Live and learn I suppose.

[Knittress]

Hey, I don't think you're a 'sociopath' and I would probably have a similar emotional reaction, myself. You felt that the primacy of your relationship was violated because he put his drunken hedonistic impulses ahead of your drunkenly confused feelings, right? I get that. If you can communicate to him that you need a lengthy period of reassurance and that you're his first priority, and he follows through on this then you'll probably feel a whole lot better. Maybe take some time to focus on your relationship and sexual connection, just the two of you.

[dispatch3d]

You have to take some responsibility for everything that happened that night. Gotta feel personally responsible for everything that happened. There's lots of places in your post that blame is placed, and very little blame is placed squarely on yourself. The alcohol, the "slutty" friend, the husband, "pressure" from all three, are just a few of the objects or people you decided were "at fault". Focus on yourself.