tigressA Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Over the last couple of days my recent exploits in multi-dating, and now SmileFace's thread on rejection, made me face something--namely something I realized I've been using as a shield. Physical intimacy. Now there's absolutely no question that I love sex and everything that comes with it, which is the primary reason why I have pounced on many opportunities to engage in it when they've come my way. I realized there are two others, however--two that undermine the healthy love I have for physical intimacy and, if left unchecked, could seriously undermine my overall self-esteem and well-being. Over the last year or so, I've been using "early" physical intimacy as a shield against the inherent sting of rejection. I realized that it was much easier to blame any rejection on having had sex/other intimate act "too early" than anything else. I was rejected by a couple of guys in my multi-dating thread without having had sex with them. I hadn't even kissed one of them. I don't know why I was rejected and while I was able to move on quickly (yay for all that junior high/high school prep ), I did go through some self-doubt which wasn't fun. Additionally, I used it as the most obvious way to gauge interest, and was quick to assume that because nothing physical happened within the first couple of dates, there was no interest. I didn't really stop to think that the guy actually wants to get to know me as a whole person with a mind, heart and soul first, or that he's really shy...or anything else besides "He's not interested". In conclusion, I came to see that these two reasons for engaging in physical intimacy on early dates are unhealthy. Because of the focus I had on it I had inevitably questioned what else I had to offer, which is totally lame because I have a hell of a lot about me that's pretty awesome, if I do say so myself. Now that I truly know it, I get to start truly living it. There's really no question here. I just wanted to post this because it's a personal breakthrough, and maybe it can help others.
SmileFace Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I am glad that you made a breakthrough. I read many of your threads . You are one of the persons who dating journeys I actually connect with . I haven't been dating long but for as long I have have been making the mistake of having sex too early. I never intentionally had sex with a guy so he can stay with me. I just like sex and made it A-ok to do in my head. When these relationships ended like yourself I blamed it on sex too early but did nothing to change it. I am really trying to change my views on sex becasuse it is not ideal. The last guy I was dating really wanted to get to know me .Yet I rejected him emotionally. I can't really be mad that he left after sex when I actually think about it. Anyway to stay on point. It is good to hear someone making progress. All the best Tigress
mo mo Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 So are you saying that looking back, jumping into bed with a few different guys so quickly wasn't the best choice??
SmileFace Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 So are you saying that looking back, jumping into bed with a few different guys so quickly wasn't the best choice?? Yes, that is what she is saying. Didn't you read the OP?
mo mo Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Yes, that is what she is saying. Didn't you read the OP? Haha.. you're right. I'm a little slow today from the painkillers I took (the holidays at work were rough) Just out of curiosity, how old are you Tigressa? I think that as people get older, they get better at sex but place less emphasis on it when searching for a SO
Author tigressA Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 So are you saying that looking back, jumping into bed with a few different guys so quickly wasn't the best choice?? No, I'm not saying that at all. I don't regret any choices I've made. What I'm saying is that while I do love sex, I realized that there were other, less healthy reasons I engaged in it early--as a shield to guard myself against the sting of rejection, and against the potential for self-examination/improvement. I have no plans to become a prude and/or wait to have sex as some sort of game to make a guy stick around. It's just that from now on, I'm going into dating with much less of an emphasis on physical intimacy--focusing on other things first. Edit: I'm 23.
mo mo Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 No, I'm not saying that at all. I don't regret any choices I've made. What I'm saying is that while I do love sex, I realized that there were other, less healthy reasons I engaged in it early--as a shield to guard myself against the sting of rejection, and against the potential for self-examination/improvement. I have no plans to become a prude and/or wait to have sex as some sort of game to make a guy stick around. It's just that from now on, I'm going into dating with much less of an emphasis on physical intimacy--focusing on other things first. Edit: I'm 23. Ok I hear you. It does sound like you have matured from your experiences then. Best of luck to you! FYI I'm a guy and I hold off on sex if I really like the girl. I think that sex clouds one's judgment early on.
northern_sky Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I seriously could have written the OP. I can relate so much.
zicke Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Weren't you a 50+ white woman a couple of years ago or am I seeing things.
Sanman Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I have to say that I find this to be a pretty common issue in dating (at least for me). My most recent ex-gf was/is the same way. It really got in the way of us getting to know each other seriously. Honestly, she uses it as a defense mechanism to avoid getting close and I avoided confronting the issue because I like regular sex and didn't want to risk losing that. In the end, it became evident that we weren't right for each other. The fact that she avoided the situation towards the end and chose to date others behind my back rather than end it as we should have is another symptom of the same issue I think. However, I do believe that in doing these things, the OP is cheating herself out of something more meaningful and losing guys that may really grow to care about her.
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