shaky Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Several months ago I noticed my husband had become distant and was demonstrating unusual behaviors: - leaving for the day saying he was going to clear his mind or straighten his mind out and then he'd come home way after midnight with the explanation that he was watching the stars - I found a weird text message on his cell phone from a girl friend and told him I thought it was weird. Since then he has turned his cell phone to silent and either keeps it on his body at all times or it's hidden. - developed a friendship with a younger woman - this woman has been to our house for dinner and even movies. He desperately wanted me to like her (?????) - he has been pushing for me to reconnect with friends of mine and do stuff with them I told him a few months ago that I was uncomfortable with this new friendship he had developed. He was not receptive and acted very angry that I was telling him to stop being friends with her. I told him I wasn't telling him to stop being friends, just that I was uncomfortable and I hoped he would respect my feelings when he made his decision. He even accused me of using this as a way to push him away. Things got better between us for a while. Yesterday I found a letter she wrote to him - a very long letter - detailing the strength of their relationship and how she knows and understands every part of him and his life. I also found some pictures of her. I also recently learned that they went somewhere together while I was away this summer. I'm freaking out. I know I need to confront him about this but don't know how. I don't know that the evidence proves he physically cheated, but it does prove that he has (or had - not sure) an emotional relationship with this woman. Any suggestions?
datura_noir Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Um, I say this gently hon, but........ HE IS CHEATING/HAS A GIRLFRIEND!! You have tons of evidence that even I didn't have....All WS lie about having an affair-the whole dynamic of an affair brings out the liar in them. Assume the worst. Now for the good part: You can do a few things, depending on what you want (divorce, separation, reconciliation). 1.Confront him and tell him you know about *****, ask him to stop contact with her and go to MC. 2.Stay quiet and gather further evidence (if you want to use it in a divorce).Don't reveal your sources. 3.Ask, no, TELL him to leave as it is very disrespectful to you for him to be dating while married, and go a complete 180. Don't beg, whine, talk about good times, future plans. Don't call him fifty times a day to see how he is. Don't cry in front of him. Just go silent. I also advise you to visit suviving infidelity dot com, and post your story there. The members are well versed in infidelity, and give excellent advice. Take care.
hopesndreams Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 How long have you been married? He desperately wanted me to like her (?????) This tells me that your H sees you more as a buddy these days, in other words, he has someone else to turn his crank now. Did you get the ILYBNILWY yet? You can go through any and all of his belongings. You might be able to come up with some evidence that way. Do not leave a stone unturned. Now is the perfect time to lay it on the line. Tell him you love him and want to be with him. His reaction will be more of the same stuff you've been getting sooooooo then you move onto the 180. 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent phone calls. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage. 4. Do not follow her around the house. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances. 8. Do not buy gifts. 9. Do not schedule dates together. 10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say "I Love You". 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic. 23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes. He knows you're onto him now so he will be extra vigilant in keeping things from you. He doesn't want you to "push him away" just yet because the plans with OW aren't set in stone. The more you harp on about his "friend" the more it will step up his connection with OW. Emotional to physical can happen in a heartbeat. She is his support system now and anything you do to upset his life the more drawn he will be to her. She knows it and is counting on you to be a naggy b*tch. 180. It will go against everything your heart tells you to do but you need to use your brain instead.
PegNosePete Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 He is undoubtedly cheating on you. sorry to say. - this woman has been to our house for dinner and even movies. He desperately wanted me to like her (?????) My suspicion about this might be that he wants to arrange a 3some? It's just a guess though, can't see any evidence to support it. But it does seem weird behaviour.
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