Ariadne Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 What did I ever do to make him hate me? I don't think he hates you at all, he probably appreciates all you've done and must feel indebted to you for life. Remember last time it took him forever to write and told you he kept writing the email in different ways? I'm sure you'll hear from him again eventually.
Ariadne Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Yes I have been there - it is lovely - when I was younger and they had just opened the tram it was not as built up, so it was more fun to explore. Also they hand't fenced off the ruins quite as effectively - those were a blast to explore! I think they are going to make a park in the ruins area and restore those. Cool. I want to make an artificial beach there also, no sure how cold that water is though.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 I think they are going to make a park in the ruins area and restore those. Cool. I want to make an artificial beach there also, no sure how cold that water is though. Not all that cold at all - of course depends on what time of year. However it's a fairly large shipping channel, so the bigger issue is how clean. I've done a lot of different charity swims in both the East River as well as the Hudson. At this point I'd prefer to swim the Hudson side.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 I don't think he hates you at all, he probably appreciates all you've done and must feel indebted to you for life. Remember last time it took him forever to write and told you he kept writing the email in different ways? I'm sure you'll hear from him again eventually. I doubt it - he owes me money, a LOT of money - and has some of my stuff that he hasn't returned (I packed up and sent him all his stuff immediately) - he won't respond to my emails at all. He's simply cruel.
Ariadne Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I doubt it - he owes me money, a LOT of money - and has some of my stuff that he hasn't returned Ouch. And he was always broke so he probably still is close to that. Well, you go and give money to this guy good luck getting it back. Hope he pays you! At least some!
Ariadne Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Not all that cold at all - of course depends on what time of year. However it's a fairly large shipping channel, so the bigger issue is how clean. I've done a lot of different charity swims in both the East River as well as the Hudson. At this point I'd prefer to swim the Hudson side. You rock. The universe wants you to have an awesome partner and it has to happen sometime. And the beach keeps getting better like all in that island. Now the water is warm. They even have a natural beach at the tip looking at Manhattan but it's full of rocks. They should clear all that up and put sand and some nice ramps for the people, and palm trees and music.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 You rock. The universe wants you to have an awesome partner and it has to happen sometime. And the beach keeps getting better like all in that island. Now the water is warm. They even have a natural beach at the tip looking at Manhattan but it's full of rocks. They should clear all that up and put sand and some nice ramps for the people, and palm trees and music. I already had my awesome partner - he and I will be reunited in the afterlife - or whatever you believe comes next. I just want to stop hurting and crying that's all. Apparently that is just too much to ask. I probably shouldn't have tried again. I was probably a fish in a prior life - it is pretty hard to keep me out of the water. The ex has a water ski/wakeboard boat so we used to put in all over the place, the Delaware was a favorite but we spent a lot of time on the Hudson too (believe it or not the ramp is right under the GW bridge!). I used to jump into the water all the time, people would look at me with a look of absolute horror, and I'd just stare at them and ask how they planned to water ski, or wakeboard from inside the boat?! silly peeps! I figure something's gonna get us - may as well have fun along the way!
Graceful Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I figure something's gonna get us - may as well have fun along the way! Just wanted to send a little support your way, as I saw your post in the breakups section, and it really hurt me to see you so upset. Well, it hurt me to see you were upset about a dirtbag, that is! Look, you can't change who you are, and neither can he. He's the same person. He hasn't magically changed. No matter where he goes, or who he is with, he gets to be with ... HIMSELF! The same person who has to mask his low-self esteem, his lack of direction, his inability to make it in this life alone, and the fact he's a taker. He's a taker. That's right. I don't care if he is treating someone to dinner or buying her some dumb bouquet of flowers or what ever other gesture he is putting forward. It's all about him in the long run. Any money he spends on someone else is just to make himself feel better about himself or to portray himself as something he is not. You know who he is. You really do. And it's not much. Sadly. Don't beat yourself up because you cared about him. But in the future, you do need to raise your expectations of what you deserve in return. OH, I forgot. You're not gonna put your toe in the water again ... well, maybe not for a while. But really? You sound like hot stuff. Are you really going to make yourself unavailable to all the men who would find you wonderful? Now will you please dry your eyes? I don't even know him, but I know he's not worth it!
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 Thanks Graceful you really are too kind. To tell you the truth I have way more fun in life when I am single I'm just no good at the whole dating thing. And I'm just too scared to put myself back out there it took everything I had to trust him enough to open up and look where it got me. I need to go back to being the loosey goosey party girl I was before I met him. I miss her. She had fun. She traveled. She had an amazing life. The only reason she considered him was he seemed to do all the same things. Then one weekend she went off to El Salvador to do some volunteer work and hiking (BEAUTIFUL place btw, just not very safe) and when she got back he had been laid off. Quick get your money back let's not go on that 3 week trip to the Galapagos Islands and Machu Pichu with you. No the Carribean is out. Hey let's go to to visit his son, his cousin's daughter is getting married let's go and while there visit his friends, let's go to his family's reunion and while there to the town he grew up in - and all of this was my pleasure. Yup I'm done and you know what, as I typed all of the above, I started feeling a lot better about it.
Graceful Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Thanks Graceful you really are too kind. To tell you the truth I have way more fun in life when I am single I need to go back to being the loosey goosey party girl I was before I met him. I miss her. She had fun. She traveled. She had an amazing life. Yup I'm done and you know what, as I typed all of the above, I started feeling a lot better about it. I wasn't being kind. I said you were hot stuff, I meant it, and your response only proves it. I love being right! Hope you get to book a vacation soon and have the time of your life.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 Knowing that he's moved on, I sent him an email requesting that he please return a few critical/expensive items to me - as I had returned his stuff to him months ago. As usual he ignored my request. I then realized he had probably blocked me on yahoo, so I left him a voicemail asking that he please just respond to my note, and if he did to my satisfaction I would stop bothering him - and that if he had blocked me and needed me to resend the email, to just drop me a ntoe to that affect - again nothing. Meanwhile a mutual friend called to wish me a happy new year. I guess she caught me in a weak moment because I just started crying my eyes out. Not sure what her deal is, but over the course of 2 days - she somehow got in the middle, spent hours on the phone with him and is now telling me he doesn't feel it is over he's just trying to figure out how to approach me and what he wants out of a relationship with me. OMFG!!!!!!! I have nothing left to give, I'm the freaking tree and I'm reduced to a stump. I'm tired. I cry every single day. My family has spent a lifetime taking everything I've ever tried to put aside for myself, and now kicked me and gotten me close to fired. My job sucked me dry and pushed me aside and the man I love was on match.com every single day doing G-d only knows what with G-d only knows whom. WTF I think I was born with a kick me sign across my forehead that only I can't see.
Vickstar Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Hun im so sorry to hear about this, its an awful feeling, im going through a similar situation except i was only seeing my bf for about a year (only found out yesterday he is seeing someone) so i cant imagine how you must be feeling after years of being together. You sound like a lovely woman who did everything for the one you loved (just like me, literally worshipped the ground he walked on) and didnt appreciate any of it. The saying "good things come to good people" come to mind, its hard to believe right now but one day you will meet someone who will love and care for you. You are not alone, you dont deserve any of this heartache and i really believe after time we will both be thinking "why the hell was i with him?" chin up! everything will be ok in the end xx
Art_Critic Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Hi CNG... I just read your thread and wanted to say I'm sorry for your breakup.. You sound like you are much better today... ***Hugz***
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 Thanks AC - actually I'm a mess, probably just becoming increasingly more self aware of how bad a mess. I have always been everyone else's support system what I now know for a fact is that I have no one to turn to - in the past I could either turn to my ex, or if the issue was my ex, this board. Now everything in my life has gone bad, and I have no one. I have a few friends who catch me at bad moments when I am crying and ask what they can do - and to tell the truth I am at a loss, I have no clue what to say. There is nothing they can do that will make me feel better. At least if my ex were here I would not feel so alone - I guess I just want him to hold me and tell me it's ok he's here for me, but he's not. When I caught him doing something he knew would upset me, he refused to answer my questions - and he walked away. What I also realize now is that he is telling his friends (now our mutual friends) that he is the injured party, that I walked away, and that he is still in love with me. I actually think he's doing that to get my hopes up that he'll call. I think he may be messing with my head - yup I think he's messing with me. It's certainly not all about him - but wow the timing could not have been better! Sure hope he's enjoying himself, because I'm so freaking miserable I can't seem to pull myself together. He's got a new woman sleeping in his bed and I'm crying my eyes out every single day. Men ask me out and I look at them like they are speaking in tongues! Why on earth woudl I ever want to do THAT again?! EWWWW CRAP.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 Apologies if I seemed like I was better today and then went psycho - I went out to get the dog and saw that he had dropped off my stuff (or had someone do it - since he's over an hour away). It absolutely set me off. Typically I can hide the despair - but that just got me. I guess it's because I got a note from his favorite cousin asking if there was any hope that I would change my mind since he still loves me. I am not the one who shut us down! I am not the one who was active on match.com! I am the one who gave until I had nothing left to give, I am the one who asked for very little in return, I am the one who only ever wanted to see him happy and now can't even do that and is miserable in the knowledge that someone else is better able to make him happy that apparently I ever could. OMG I am simply the most pathetic loser.
Ariadne Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 he doesn't feel it is over he's just trying to figure out how to approach me and what he wants out of a relationship with me. Awesome!!! if my ex were here I would not feel so alone - I guess I just want him to hold me and tell me it's ok he's here for me...he is telling his friends (now our mutual friends) that he is the injured party, that I walked away, and that he is still in love with me. Awesome!!!
Art_Critic Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 OMG I am simply the most pathetic loser. No you aren't.. you are simply someone who is hurting.. The guy has some serious issues if he was on match the time you guys dated.. those issues are not your issues and you certainly didn't cause them.. You are an awesome person CNG..
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 No you aren't.. you are simply someone who is hurting.. The guy has some serious issues if he was on match the time you guys dated.. those issues are not your issues and you certainly didn't cause them.. You are an awesome person CNG.. Thanks AC the question is how come the people I love don't think so - there has GOT to be something wrong with me that my own mother doesn't love me. I'm not saying I THINK that - I got that from HER shrink, not mine. My shrink feels I am somehow recreating the abuse from my mother with my choice in a partner - I am not sure what to beleive anymore, since I'm fairly certain I did not portray the ex fairly with the shrink and I'm sure the focus was on helping me heal which at the moment seems to be a failing proposition. At the moment I am desperately trying to just focus on finding a new job which I am hoping is at least somewhat in my control and something that will at least be a positive and critical thing for me. But OMG I am definitely hurting.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 No you aren't.. you are simply someone who is hurting.. The guy has some serious issues if he was on match the time you guys dated.. those issues are not your issues and you certainly didn't cause them.. You are an awesome person CNG.. Thanks AC the question is how come the people I love don't think so - there has GOT to be something wrong with me that my own mother doesn't love me. I'm not saying I THINK that - I got that from HER shrink, not mine. My shrink feels I am somehow recreating the abuse from my mother with my choice in a partner - I am not sure what to beleive anymore, since I'm fairly certain I did not portray the ex fairly with the shrink and I'm sure the focus was on helping me heal which at the moment seems to be a failing proposition. At the moment I am desperately trying to just focus on finding a new job which I am hoping is at least somewhat in my control and something that will at least be a positive and critical thing for me. But OMG I am definitely hurting.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 Awesome!!! Araidne there is your ever present optimistic view of life again. You missed the point - he is messing wtih my head (and heart) while making himself look like the injured party to all his friends and family. He is seeing someone. He is having sex with a woman who looks a lot like me - when he had not had sex with me since July 2008. BTW I would have taken it much better had she been tall and blond - but to look like me hurts more. She is eating the food I bought to fill his freezer and drinking the wine I bought to fill his wine cellar. How can he possibly be telling these people the truth that he still loves me and that he is working with his Mankind Project Group on what he wants out of his relationship with me while spending his nights with this other woman? It just makes no sense. Perhaps he is working on these things, but to benefit his relationship with her. In which case I wish him all the luck in the world. But then please stop torturing me because I've truly never done anything to deserve it. I've never done anything but love him and try to do the right thing for him and to make him happy. Frequently to my own detriment. The one thing I know in my heart is that I truly am a good person - so I just don't understand what I keep doing wrong that people I truly and honestly care about hurt me, I just don't get it.
Ariadne Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 How can he possibly be telling these people the truth that he still loves me and that he is working with his Mankind Project Group on what he wants out of his relationship with me while spending his nights with this other woman? Well, last time he said something like that you guys got together again. Who knows what is going on with the new partner. Maybe he isn't dating anyone now.
Graceful Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 (edited) Perhaps he is working on these things, but to benefit his relationship with herDing ding ding ding. You have it right on the money here, nycg. This is the MO right here. No matter what they do, no matter what the gesture, no matter who they are doing it for, it is always about them. It's all for show. This is why it is very easy for them to switch channels, come and go as they please, turn it off and turn it on ... b/c when your actions are only about what's making you look and feel good, you act according to that barometer. Don't like how someone is making you feel? Gone. Don't like the pressure someone is putting on you? Gone. Why stick around? The person isn't making you feel good anymore. It's not about how good you are treating him, it is about how he feels when you treat him well. That's what he gets from you. So that's why there is no need for him to reciprocate. He gets nothing out of reciprocating. Plain and simple. When he puts a few crumbs down for you, or tells you how wonderful you are, it's just a tactic to make sure you keep lavishing him. The one thing I know in my heart is that I truly am a good person - so I just don't understand what I keep doing wrong that people I truly and honestly care about hurt me, I just don't get itAgain, you are a nice person, and it sounds like you are quite honestly, a honey of a person. I bet you treat your friends awesomely. But here it is. You are not doing anything wrong ... you said it above. The people you care about ... you care about them, but it is like saying you are throwing your pearls at swine. You are throwing your pearls at swine (your ex), he takes from you, then turns on you. It's against your nature, but when you are not getting any reciprocity from someone, you have to pull back. There had to have been, and still has to be, some feeling in your gut that even when he was holding you, even when he was doing something nice for you, there was something missing. Something that told you it wasn't that he was doing something for you, but that he wanted to make himself look good, or he wanted to make you happy to placate you. Not because he meant it. Do you see what I mean? Is that the way he made you feel? Or did he really and truly make you feel secure until the end ?? I don't know enough about your history. But I know in my own case, with my ex, there was always something missing. I used to call it "relationship lite" -- that's all he had. Everything he did was to ensure he looked good, stayed in good graces, did just enough to keep his cover from being blown. But all he was doing was observing and figuring out what he needed to be doing to keep me around .... that is, until he did blow his cover, like your ex did, by revealing himself, finally, as the person you maybe felt in your gut he was, but never could put your finger on or prove. So now you are allowing yourself to see him as you maybe saw him all along, I don't know. You're seeing him as the opportunistic, selfish person you didn't want to see all along, and it's as though you are grieving about that after holding it in for a very long time. Again, I don't know the history, so just speculating. You know you did nothing wrong in terms of caring for someone you loved, but you did not get the same caring back in kind. So what good is he? Edited January 12, 2011 by Graceful
HeavenOrHell Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 But honey, from what you've said about him he wasn't an awesome partner, maybe you thought he was if your self esteem is low? Maybe you felt you didn't deserve better, I don't know. Buy you DO deserve way better than what he's put you through. Imagine how wonderful it would be if you had a partner who made you feel attractive. Don't know if you remember but my ex left me after 18 years, 18 months ago, well I survived, it took several months of hell but I got there and am now with someone who is special, after thinking there was no-one else as special as my ex out there, well I was wrong. I had to go NC a while to fully let go and move on, (although we are friends now, I think we are fairly unique in that we're good friends still) all I can say to you is please stop ALL contact with him. After 6 or 7 months of agony post break up, I got to the point where I realised this pain isn't just going to magically go away, no-one could do it for me, it scared me to think I could stay in that pit of despair forever if I let myself. I guess my pride took over and I thought no-one is going to cause me to feel like this, especially now they're moved on and found someone else (my ex is with an old friend of mine), what is the point in loving them still if they don't love us back, I still had some self respect, so I forced myself to concentrate on voluntary work which I enjoy, met new people, made new friends and started rebuilding my life, which I am still doing. I have my down days as I suffer with long term depression anyway, and I am still adjusting to living alone after 18 years and no longer having a constant companion, it takes some getting used to. I'm in an LDR now which gives me the space and time alone to fully heal and rebuild. I am also trying to deal with insecurity from my ex leaving, which I don't want to bring into my new r/ship. You have to make the decision to let go, time only heals if you let it, if you do the right things to help you heal. If I can do it, anyone can. You've got to build a new life outside of him and make it as fulfilling as you possibly can. You CAN do it!! Don't keep yourself in this horrible place any longer, life is way too short. I already had my awesome partner - he and I will be reunited in the afterlife - or whatever you believe comes next. I just want to stop hurting and crying that's all. Apparently that is just too much to ask. I probably shouldn't have tried again. I was probably a fish in a prior life - it is pretty hard to keep me out of the water. The ex has a water ski/wakeboard boat so we used to put in all over the place, the Delaware was a favorite but we spent a lot of time on the Hudson too (believe it or not the ramp is right under the GW bridge!). I used to jump into the water all the time, people would look at me with a look of absolute horror, and I'd just stare at them and ask how they planned to water ski, or wakeboard from inside the boat?! silly peeps! I figure something's gonna get us - may as well have fun along the way!
HeavenOrHell Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 I doubt you've done anything wrong, it doesn't really work like that. Horrible things happen to lovely people. Maybe you've been with the wrong people? >The one thing I know in my heart is that I truly am a good person - so I just don't understand what I keep doing wrong that people I truly and honestly care about hurt me, I just don't get it.<
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 I remember you well HOH - and I've read your posts and have sincerely been very happy for you and also quite proud of you. I've even thought wow she is so brave! I know I've given him the power, and I know he probably did not deserve it. I also know I should have stayed in my happy little hidey hole and never gone down path I did that lead me to meet him in the first place, but I did. After 20 years of protecting myself and not opening up and not letting anyone in - I did in a really big way (because I don't do anything half way). Now look where it got me. G-d willing I'll find a new job sooner rather than later and have something new and positive to focus on but right now it just stinks.
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