curiousnycgirl Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I get confirmation that he IS seeing someone new, has been seeing her since before I found his match.com profile, AND she looks so much like me that his neighbor actually thought she was me the first few times he saw me! I have to admit that it is killing me and I am crying my eyes out. I spent all that time feeling physically rejected by him - actually felt that for whatever reason he began to find me so unattractive that I was repulsive, and now he's with a woman that is the old heavier me (I lost about 40 lbs within weeks of the break). For 5 years he couldn't even buy me a cup of coffee but he's wooing her and buying her dinners. In fact he only bought me two birthday dinners in those 5 years (oh and I HATE that I am so petty that I am remembering that fact). For whatever reason I would have handled it better if she was tall, slender, blond and gorgeous. If he finds her attractive, why couldn't he find me attractive? Why did he have to hurt me so badly? And why couldn't he just answer my most basic questions when I asked them? And WHY DID HE LIE TO ME? He knew how hurtful and horrible I find lying. And now he is not answering my note about the money he owes me (granted that one was not very nice - I do admit that). But nearly 1.5 months later he didn't respond to the text about my horse's leg being healed either. I recognize that he's probably gone NC - but I'm not the one that hurt him, nor am I the one that lied. OMG I think he's pushing me to insanity!!!!!!
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 btw happy f*cking new year to him too
anne1707 Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 btw happy f*cking new year to him too Vent away girl - go for it (((hugs)))
Keridan Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Just wanna say I'm sorry you are going through this. Seems like a real jackass! I hope things get better for you soon!
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 Thanks Keridan I appreciate it, me too. I just wish I didn't love him - that would make it so much easier. Every single time I learn something new about him he sinks to new depths! I need to trruy own the concept that he is not the man I thought he was, therefore he is clearly not the man I am in love with - that man simply does not exist. It's just so hard to wipe away what I thought was there for 6 years. OMG I truly must be the dumbest woman alive!
2010_Sorry Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I need to trruy own the concept that he is not the man I thought he was, therefore he is clearly not the man I am in love with - that man simply does not exist. It's just so hard to wipe away what I thought was there for 6 years. You're right! That man does not exist.... It's tough to believe, but it's true. OMG I truly must be the dumbest woman alive! Not at all! I've got you beat!
Keridan Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Bah, nothing wrong with trouble letting go. It doesn't make you stupid, it makes you human. Being human is also what gives you the capacity to be in love in the first place and to have wonderful times and feelings. Those will come back sometime, I promise. Healing is a tough and painful process. It doesn't help when you get a little lemon juice poured into the wound. But the soul is a miracle, it heals just like the human body. You will get a couple scars, but they add character. Hopefully the new year will bring you some peace and better times to enjoy!
hitbyatruck Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 When you realise that you're not crying over anything but the sorry-a$$ situation you've allowed yourself to get into (as I did after being betrayed by two people simultaneously after 10 years) you will be well on the road to healing. I now see how easy it is to overlook, brush aside or disregard your partner's faults & inadequacies once deep into a relationship - if the good outweighs the bad then some people will accept that. Even if it is more bad than good then some will hold out for an improvement or are too scared to face life alone. I guess it depends on what you think love is: Accepting that you will never be 100% compatible with anybody so try really hard to make sure you get through the hard times (myself), OR, when things get too hard, bust your family up and move on to somebody else who makes you feel better about yourself. (my ex) By not contacting you, your ex is actually doing a good thing - giving you the ability to emotionally disconnect from him - that is all that is left that you need to do. It is much harder when you have kids and you're lucky in that respect. It is hard work but you will get there, trust me.
Star Gazer Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Maybe he's trying for a do-over, one that's just not possible with you given the history of irreparable damage he caused? That's how I'd choose to think of it, even if it's not true. I'm sorry your hurting again.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 By not contacting you, your ex is actually doing a good thing - giving you the ability to emotionally disconnect from him - that is all that is left that you need to do. It is much harder when you have kids and you're lucky in that respect. It is hard work but you will get there, trust me. Understood and I agree - however over the past 5.5 out of over 6 years I paid for EVERYTHING we did together, food, alcohol, gifts for everyone - mostly HIS family - international travel EVERYTHING. I am not expecting any of that money back. I would however like him to repay the money he agreed all along that he would repay me. And I expect him to resopnd to the email I sent (on November 14th) asking him how and when he will do that. It is not as if I am inundating him with communication.
Fern Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. He's an evil ass. Really, truly, actually evil. The man (if you could call such a pathetic creature a man) has no morals, no conscience and no pride. Feel SORRY for this poor new victim in his life - he's not going to treat her any better than he treated you eventually. He's not capable of it. As for the money - do you have a written agreement about what he's supposed to pay back? Can you go through a lawyer? Can he be SHAMED into doing what he agreed? Make a plan.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 No written agreement - I spent a few hours on the phone with a lawyer last night - I am stuffed from a legal perspective. I certainly can shame him, the question is do I want to sink to that level. The truth of the matter is I am stunned at how cruel I am be in my train of thought about him at the moment. I am afraid that what I am now thinking of him is indeed the reality that is him, vs. the fantasy I have been in love with for the past 6 years. The disparity is rather shocking. Typically I am simply not a cruel person, quite the opposite. I do not think I am lashing out - I think I am simply finally seeing him without the rose colored glasses. I have also become privvy to information about him since the break up - specifically from his son, that I was not aware of before. I don't think it would have necessarily changed my feelings before, but it certainly provides greater clarity. So yes I can shame him - but then what value is there in that? Would I be able to look myself in the mirror after doing so? I don't think so. I think I just have to let it go, as much as I hate to do that. The question is - can I?
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 I spent the night I found this out crying my eyes out, and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Part of me had been hoping all is time that he would fight for us. That he would come back and try to prove to me that he had not been lying and that I had been wrong. Clearly my finding all this out was a hard smack in the face that it was not going to be and it is really, really, really over. How the hell do I move on?! How do I recover from this? OMG I am at a total and complete loss. My friends just don't understand - they don't think he's worth it. Most of them now tell me they never liked him. I understand their points - if I really think about it, with eyes wide open, he's really not a nice person. He beyond took advantage of me for all these years. But clearly I am a very, VERY broken being. Otherwise I would not have stayed with him so long and I wouldn't be sitting here crying my eyes out over something that was obviously so bad for me. But that is exactly what I am doing. Can someone please give me the magic answer? Wave their magic wand? Heal me? PLEASE?
mickleb Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 No Curious. None of us have that ability but you do. Accept that you gave him more respect, money and love than he has ever given you, then forgive yourself. You can't change what has happened but you can stop beating yourself up with the 'unloveable stick'. You know there's stuff that needs fixing (there always is in life) so you're going to have to embark on the damage control before you get anywhere near to mending it. It's a bad habit: break it. x
paleblue Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 It is hard to get over 6 years. Real hard. Im still struggling to completely let go of a 5 years relationship, after 2 and a half years. Im wondering what is wrong with me? Just when I think I feel nothing anymore, I see her at work. Haven’t seen her in two weeks because of vacations, until today, she comes wandering by. In the last two weeks I realize I have been happier than I have in quite awhile. Now today, I see her and all that happiness just sinks away into nothing and I am back to miserable. Why? I have no idea. But I am doing my best not to show it. Last time we spoke, last month, I told her I would lighten up on things. Now I have to act like it. It’s hard. I wish I had some answers for you Curious. All I know is this roller coaster ride blows. It’s so easy for people on the outside to look at us and say we shouldn’t worry about it. But the reality is quite different when it’s in our heads. I don’t get why this stuff sticks with us. Logically, it shouldn’t. I know my relationship with her sure wasn’t anything to write home about. Anyways, I guess welcome to our very own little never ending hell. I feel trapped in my mind, like a prison. Any chance for early parole for us?
Ariadne Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Hey, over the past 5.5 out of over 6 years I paid for EVERYTHING we did together, food, alcohol, gifts for everyone - mostly HIS family - international travel EVERYTHING Maybe he felt inadequate about this so he found one "just like you" to at least give some dinners. He is praising you in a strange way. I am stunned at how cruel I am be in my train of thought about him at the moment. I am afraid that what I am now thinking of him is indeed the reality that is him, vs. the fantasy I have been in love with Don't worry about that. But you need to have some acceptance of things and enjoy what you are blessed with, namely Laphorse among others. And it's true that when people are mad they do as they say back home: wind themselves up all alone. Just imagine a toy with a wind that you keep spinning. That's what people do when in trouble. Good luck and this too shall pass!
scatterd Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 I'm am so sorry for your pain from reading your post it sounds like you are taking it personal as though something is wrong with you and she has something you do not.Their is nothing wrong with you he is trying to give her a really good impression of him.he has to treat her like that or she would not show interest in him.He will someday show his self to her when he feels he is safe.I would try to not worry about them you will find someone better this could be a blessing in disguise.In time you will feel better try to stay busy and take care of yourself know that you are beautiful in side and out its his loss.I hope you feel good soon big hugs
Duckduckgoose Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Their is nothing wrong with you he is trying to give her a really good impression of him.he has to treat her like that or she would not show interest in him.He will someday show his self to her when he feels he is safe. I couldn't agree more. And hopefully the girl will send him packing when she realizes what a douche he has been.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 Hey, Maybe he felt inadequate about this so he found one "just like you" to at least give some dinners. He is praising you in a strange way. I always tried to be especially sensitive about that - however he used to use the phrase that he was "struggling for his very survival" financially so I just stepped in without any fanfare or hooplah. Little did I know I was simply freeing up his funds for his dates with others! I had a long talk today with a good friend of his across the country - apparently he knew exactly what he was doing with me - it was fully calculated, he never loved me and never had any intention of committing to me. She was shocked that he had ever led me to believe that he did or he would. I have dozens if not hundreds of emails saying both those things. OMG!!!! Don't worry about that. But you need to have some acceptance of things and enjoy what you are blessed with, namely Laphorse among others. I know and I am - I would truly be very happy if I could just spend all day with Laphorse! Good luck and this too shall pass! WHEN?!? And how can I possibly make it go faster?! I'm so sick of missing him and crying over him!
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 I'm am so sorry for your pain from reading your post it sounds like you are taking it personal as though something is wrong with you and she has something you do not.Their is nothing wrong with you he is trying to give her a really good impression of him.he has to treat her like that or she would not show interest in him.He will someday show his self to her when he feels he is safe.I would try to not worry about them you will find someone better this could be a blessing in disguise.In time you will feel better try to stay busy and take care of yourself know that you are beautiful in side and out its his loss.I hope you feel good soon big hugs I couldn't agree more. And hopefully the girl will send him packing when she realizes what a douche he has been. Thank you both for your kind words, but I wonder what might be the pivotal moment for them?! He and I were dating for 6 months when he got laid off. That was our pivotal moment, where I tried to help him out. I've seen him through countless failed businesses. Helped him write business plans, taught him what I could about the "green agenda" etc. wrote his consulting agreement with a company that ultimately led to a pending lawsuit. How much you want to bet their pivotal moment will be when he wins that damn lawsuit and ends up sitting pretty?! At this point I wouldn't want to be there - but UGH!!!! At the moment it just sucks to be me.
Fern Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Aw hun, it's utterly hateful what he's done to you, but you can't let him win. You have to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and show him he didn't break you. His comeuppance is in the pipeline, you wait. I wish there was something I could do for you. Something practical. Just KNOW that he can't be truly happy. Look at the person he is. He's a sociopath. You deserve so much better.
Ariadne Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 WHEN?!? And how can I possibly make it go faster?! I'm so sick of missing him and crying over him! Heh, Well, you are more upset now because you "just" found out that he is dating someone new and also that she looks like you. So you are shocked now and it makes sense that you are upset. So think about that. Shortly ago you were celebrating Laphorse and didn't even remember that guy and now you are set back. Hugs!
Ariadne Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Btw, I wanted to ask you. Have you been to Roosevelt island in NY? I'm in love with that island and keep visiting it with the google maps and it only gets better. It's so relaxing!
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 So think about that. Shortly ago you were celebrating Laphorse and didn't even remember that guy and now you are set back. Hugs! And I was agonizing over whether or not to share the joy with him as he deserved to know since he shared the sorrow of the broken bone with me. And I finally broke down and texted him that Laphorse's bone was healed and NOTHING - not even a good for you. What did I ever do to make him hate me?
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 Btw, I wanted to ask you. Have you been to Roosevelt island in NY? I'm in love with that island and keep visiting it with the google maps and it only gets better. It's so relaxing! Yes I have been there - it is lovely - when I was younger and they had just opened the tram it was not as built up, so it was more fun to explore. Also they hand't fenced off the ruins quite as effectively - those were a blast to explore!
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