Delacy Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 I have been in a LDR for 6 months now, and for the whole time my SO has said she would eventually move to my neck of the woods to be with me. We planned it, talked about it, she said it wouldn't be for a year or two, i got over that and understood. Now she is saying she doesnt want to move here at all because she would miss all her family and friends, i can understand that, but why say it in the first place, we had plans to get married and i was looking forward to our future here with her. She says she is still in love with me, and i said i would move to her, seems silly though because everything is so more expensive where she lives, i wouldnt be able to afford the rent/mortgage. i love her very much, but iam in limbo. what should i do for our future??
folieadeux Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 In every LDR, someone will have to move eventually and the people and things that get left behind will obviously be missed. It seems like your SO is second guessing what she initially planned as the time is getting closer. You guys just need to sit down and weigh out all the pros and cons of moving to both areas and then work towards making it happen. If you're unable to come to some sort of agreement eventually, then there unfortunately can't be a future with you both living apart.
Ashbash11 Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I agree with what folieadeux said, that in every LDR, someone has to move..Otherwise, the LDR will be indefinite, and it cannot go on forever. do you have any flexibility with regard to your career, so that if need be, you could move to be with her? If not, you need to be really frank with your GF and let her know that if she wants the relationship to continue, she has to make the decision to move and STAND BY IT. I moved 3,000 miles to be with my boyfriend because I am the more mobile person and he's settled into a career. Yes, I miss my friends and family, but sometimes that's the price you have to pay for being with the person you love. She can always go back and visit, and she will make new friends in your city!!
Author Delacy Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 Yes i guess i'am the more flexible one when it comes to a career, she is just too attached to her family and friends, sure she could make new ones but i have the feeling she doesnt want to, it would just be so much better if she moved near me and alot less expensive for us.but she just doesnt want to, i just said i would move to be with her straight after she said it, i think she thinks everything is ok, because she still says she cant wait to marry me. I dont want to lose her so iam just agreeing with her to make her happy!!??
HeavenOrHell Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 IMO 6 months is too early to be talking about moving, my partner started talking about it th first time we met IRL and I said it's too early to talk about it, a few months down the line I said I would like us to live closer in time and now he doesn't talk about it, but I realised it's cos as much as he wants to do it he feels anxious about it and overwhelmed for various reasons, he'd be the one moving, if he doesn't move in time then we'll split, I don't pressure him though, but in a few months time I'd like to hear him say something about it. We agreed it makes more sense for him to move rather than me, for various reasons. I do think people say things too early in a r/ship sometimes, just cos they're on a high and excited, I wish people wouldn't say things on impulse and get the other person excited. I wish people would think before they say things which are so important
folieadeux Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Yes i guess i'am the more flexible one when it comes to a career, she is just too attached to her family and friends, sure she could make new ones but i have the feeling she doesnt want to, it would just be so much better if she moved near me and alot less expensive for us.but she just doesnt want to, i just said i would move to be with her straight after she said it, i think she thinks everything is ok, because she still says she cant wait to marry me. I dont want to lose her so iam just agreeing with her to make her happy!!?? I would strongly urge against you agreeing to things just to make her happy; that will only lead to resentment in the long run. If you decide to be the one to move after all, so be it, but it would be almost a guaranteed disaster if you did it in that mindset. We're not talking about something as simple as deciding on what pair of shoes to buy; you will also be uprooting your life and leaving friends/family/a career behind. Before you agree (and notify her of your intentions) I would definitely think things through a bit more. I totally get the urgency of wanting to be together as quickly as possible. However, it's best to be as prepared as possible because closing the distance doesn't always guarantee a happily ever after either.
Author Delacy Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 You are all right thank you, but...feeling sad about our future now.
creighton0123 Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 She says she is still in love with me, and i said i would move to her, seems silly though because everything is so more expensive where she lives, i wouldnt be able to afford the rent/mortgage. i love her very much, but iam in limbo. what should i do for our future?? In relocating, you can almost always afford rent. You may not like where you're living or may have to return to living with roommates, but it all comes down to sacrifice. Are you willing to sacrifice what you have built around her to be with her? She obviously thought she was, but isn't willing to make that sacrifice for you. One of you must relocate or the relationship must end. You should also stop thinking about money. You can't put a price tag on romance and life experience.
durkadurka Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 ****ty situation, I was in a position like this once. Eventually my ex never did ask me to move down. Tuition was too expensive for me, getting a VISA would have been hard. She never asked. It ended. I suggest you get out before you lose more of your soul.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 if she can't move, why can't you? sorry, i just think that LDR relationships should be flexible. my fiancé and i always talk about having me move there with him but he also tells me that he's afraid that he is uprooting me from my family, friends and job. he's also willing to move here but i don't really care about where we are, as long as i am with him. so in the end we decided to have me move there for practical reasons. i know you're being practical and you should explain your reasons to your SO minus the pressure. tell her that marriage involves change, major changes in life...cuz it's not just your life you are considering, but also your partner's. if she's not ready for such change, then i don't think she's even ready for the commitment.
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