betrayed11 Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 I found out yesterday that my wife of 20+ years has been having an affair for three years. Welcome 2011. I'm an idiot. We have been separated for 1.5 years, but supposedly working on our relationship. In fact we had been talking about me moving back into our house. She is still denying it, but the evidence is overwhelming. I am crying and throwing-up and I just do not know what to do tomorrow...or tonight for that matter. What are the first steps I should take?
TaraMaiden Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Turn the separation into a divorce. If "working on your relationship" means she's been having an affair for 3 years (and you've been separated for a year-and-a-half) what does that tell you about how serious she is about 'working' on it? She's been playing you for a patsy. Cease all 'working' on it, and file. Now.
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 I found out yesterday that my wife of 20+ years has been having an affair for three years. Welcome 2011. I'm an idiot. We have been separated for 1.5 years, but supposedly working on our relationship. In fact we had been talking about me moving back into our house. She is still denying it, but the evidence is overwhelming. I am crying and throwing-up and I just do not know what to do tomorrow...or tonight for that matter. What are the first steps I should take? How did you find out? What type of evidence shows that she's cheated and having an affair? Sorry that you're hurting so badly. Take care of yourself, find a good friend or a trusted family member you can talk to, as well as keep posting here..
Author betrayed11 Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 Yes I obviously have been a patsy and not proud of it. And maybe I should just file and be done with it. I can't even move right now. I just need to take charge and say f*ck her. The details of the affair are so hard to deal with..what can I do with that?
Author betrayed11 Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 The evidence..e-mails, blogs...
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Yes I obviously have been a patsy and not proud of it. And maybe I should just file and be done with it. I can't even move right now. I just need to take charge and say f*ck her. The details of the affair are so hard to deal with..what can I do with that? You're not a patsy. You trusted her, trusted that you two were on the same page, going to fix the marriage and get back together. SHE lied and let you down, betrayed you. Can I ask, why the separation happened in the first place? I guess I can assume it was her idea to separate (that whole I love you , but not inlove with you speech)?.. Go talk to a counsellor, to help cope with the hurt and the details. That takes time to go away.
TaraMaiden Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Yes I obviously have been a patsy and not proud of it. And maybe I should just file and be done with it. I can't even move right now. I just need to take charge and say f*ck her. The details of the affair are so hard to deal with..what can I do with that? On a practical note, keep it and present it to a lawyer. Please - take action. And what I am going to say is probably going to be one of the hardest things you'll ever have to digest, and follow through with: Keep the Emotional reasoning separate form the Practical reasoning. That is to say, when deciding on a course of action, make sure it is logical and practical, not fuelled or prompted by emotion. Emotions will cause you to make rash, drastic and wrong decisions. Practicality will keep you rational, sensible and level-headed. Do the right things, for the right reasons. You really do need to take legal advice. And make sure she is completely unaware of your intentions. Look to bank accounts, finances and ensure your security. legally. You cannot make any moves to deprive her of entitlements, out of vindictiveness or resentment, but safeguard your interests.
Distant78 Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I found out yesterday that my wife of 20+ years has been having an affair for three years. Welcome 2011. I'm an idiot. We have been separated for 1.5 years, but supposedly working on our relationship. In fact we had been talking about me moving back into our house. She is still denying it, but the evidence is overwhelming. I am crying and throwing-up and I just do not know what to do tomorrow...or tonight for that matter. What are the first steps I should take? Dump the whore. She's been cheating for so long there's no even bother trying to stick around. Divorce her and find someone who will never treat you this way. She's destroyed the marriage to an almost unspeakable level.
Bryanp Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Tara Maiden's advice is sound. How do you think your wife would be acting if the roles had been reversed? She continued to put your health at risk for STD's and made you look like a fool. By the way be sure to get tested for STD's and give all of this information to your lawyer. Good luck.
seibert253 Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 On a practical note, keep it and present it to a lawyer. Please - take action. And what I am going to say is probably going to be one of the hardest things you'll ever have to digest, and follow through with: Keep the Emotional reasoning separate form the Practical reasoning. That is to say, when deciding on a course of action, make sure it is logical and practical, not fuelled or prompted by emotion. Emotions will cause you to make rash, drastic and wrong decisions. Practicality will keep you rational, sensible and level-headed. Do the right things, for the right reasons. You really do need to take legal advice. And make sure she is completely unaware of your intentions. Look to bank accounts, finances and ensure your security. legally. You cannot make any moves to deprive her of entitlements, out of vindictiveness or resentment, but safeguard your interests. Tara gives some of the best rational advice out here. Couldn't have said it better myself. Contact an attorney and begin the D process.
Duckduckgoose Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Sorry she played you like that and strung you along the whole time. You need to gather evidence of the affair and then file for divorce. SHE IS NOT WORTHY OF YOU!
hopesndreams Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I found out yesterday that my wife of 20+ years has been having an affair for three years. Welcome 2011. I'm an idiot. We have been separated for 1.5 years, but supposedly working on our relationship. In fact we had been talking about me moving back into our house. She is still denying it, but the evidence is overwhelming. I am crying and throwing-up and I just do not know what to do tomorrow...or tonight for that matter. What are the first steps I should take? Welcome 2011! It will be a great year for you, filled with lots of joy and promise. No longer will you be toyed with. You now know the truth and will take the steps necessary to free yourself from suffering. What your W has done has nothing to do with you. She is broken and you can't fix her. You gave her your heart and she smashed it. Time to now live for you! File for D and find happiness.
Author betrayed11 Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 Welcome 2011! It will be a great year for you, filled with lots of joy and promise. No longer will you be toyed with. You now know the truth and will take the steps necessary to free yourself from suffering. What your W has done has nothing to do with you. She is broken and you can't fix her. You gave her your heart and she smashed it. Time to now live for you! File for D and find happiness. Your words are very meaningful to me but are read with tears. All the advice has been good. Need the strength to just go do it. Gotta find a good divorce lawyer! I just worry about my kids.
ComputerJock Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 You are going to go on a rocky road, but you are lucky you have friends here who have been on the road before you and can tell you where the pot holes are. Your in my prayers. Best of luck.
seren Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I found out yesterday that my wife of 20+ years has been having an affair for three years. Welcome 2011. I'm an idiot. We have been separated for 1.5 years, but supposedly working on our relationship. In fact we had been talking about me moving back into our house. She is still denying it, but the evidence is overwhelming. I am crying and throwing-up and I just do not know what to do tomorrow...or tonight for that matter. What are the first steps I should take? I think the first steps you should take are to think long and hard about what you want to happen. My H had an A after over 20 years of marriage. I too had the divorce advice, but I thought long and hard about what I wanted, frankly I didn't want a divorce and we have been reconciled for over 3 years and it is dammed good, despite the A. It is a very hard thing to do, but it can be done. However, if this is not for you, then you, again, need to not make a knee jerk reaction, which is really hard in the early days after D day. The sick, throwing up and gut wrenching pain took ages to go, for me anyway. But it did go. If you are to divorce, you need to make plans, you need to be organised and you need to get legal advice. I would advise you to think about what you want to be the outcome of all this before you seek legal advice. In this way, you will be able to better discuss the next steps with a lawyer. Think of the practicalities too, money, housing, children and have a plan. But make sure it is YOUR plan, one which works for you. Why did you move out of your house, and where are you living now? if you are to divorce, that needs sorting PDQ. As for the physical effects of finding out, they are so godawful, but they do get better, I promise. I couldn't think straight for months after D Day, certainly never, ever imagined I would deal with it as I did. But then we are all different. I would also be looking for the truth - when you have that, you can make an informed choice about what you want. I wish you the very best
Author betrayed11 Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 Seren, thanks and very thought provoking. Not sure how you did it, but you sound happy. Your post made me write a new thread on the meaning of "til death do us part".
dreamingoftigers Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 You will not sleep well for quite awhile, try to take some relaxing baths before bed or get a prescription pill. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through the physical symptoms. I fell down and couldn't move for hours. Literally could not move and tears were coming out my eyes up my forehead and I couldn't even wipe them away. So I hear you and take comfort that some of that subsides after a couple of days. You are about to find out what you are made of. EMDR therapy takes away a lot of the trauma, I would get to that right away. It was a miracle after I caught my H again. It reduced the pain and physical symptoms. Keep posting, this place can give you lots of strength. To perhaps help you along in your decision to divorce or not (which doesn't have to be made tomorrow) perhaps pick up a copy of After the Affair.
seren Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Seren, thanks and very thought provoking. Not sure how you did it, but you sound happy. Your post made me write a new thread on the meaning of "til death do us part". You are very welcome. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done, when I married H, I never, not for one minute imagined he would or could do this - don't we all. I cannot even express how shocked, hurt and all the rest of the crappy emotions a D Day brings, that I felt. I couldn't imagine ever getting to where we are today. I forgave the affair relatively quickly, it was the betrayal of my trust which hurt, that and the realising that my H could lie to me so easily. Now that took a lot of coming to terms with. I have to be honest, I never, not once thought seriously about leaving him. I am so not a doormat, but I loved and love the man with all that I am. I had a choice, leave and spend the rest of my life knowing that I would miss him, miss us. Or, I could, and we could commit to looking at what had gone wrong with us and our relationship to result in the A taking place? What was it about H that saw him having an A, rather than address the issues he had with himself? None of which are easy. None of which could have worked without total honesty - warts and all. I am one of those who needed to know everything, no gaps, no him deciding what I needed to know, I got it, eventually. It hurt like hell, I was floored, but once I had the truth, I could make an informed choice about my life, my future and where our relationship stood in all that. I cannot tell you how dammed good we are together, we are better now than we were before the A, not because of it, but despite it, and because it meant that we set boundaries and a shared understanding of what marriage actually meant for both of us. I wouldn't change a thing, sure I would want to be where we are without the A, but it's the hand I have been dealt with. I know for some, staying is not an option, that's their decision. For me, we had far more time together happy before the A than the duration of it, and for what it is worth and not to disparage the OW, it really wasn't all that, it certainly wasn't what and how I imagined A's to be. That didn't make it easier, him falling in love would've made more sense, but it was what it was. You need the truth to make an informed decision. I gave my H the Letter to a Wayward Spouse (it's on the internet) to try to make him understand how important the truth was for me to move forward. I shall now check out your other thread x
NoLongerSad Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Seren, thanks and very thought provoking. Not sure how you did it, but you sound happy. Your post made me write a new thread on the meaning of "til death do us part". There's a critical difference. Often when men cheat on their wives, even long terms affairs, they can be basically happy in their marriages, but just want something "extra" on the side. When women who've been married for 20 years cheat, it's another matter, entirely. By the time they get to that point, they no longer love their husbands and in fact despise them (which is what allows these women to justify the affair). The situations are not the same.
Author betrayed11 Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 So, my W honestly told me her story today about her A. It was hard to hear - I knew a lot of it, but it was still hard to hear. I have never cried so hard in my life. She was honest and responded to so many questions (not quite all of them but close!). Serene - thanks for the Letter to the Wayward Spouse, I gave it to her later in the day to read when we had a second round of talking. It was very good and it said things I felt but had no idea how to say. She still is not sure answering all the questions is the right thing to do. She has read stuff herself that says the opposite. I told her it was what I needed and she agreed to do it (but it was tough on her). And some of the details were tough for me. I'm not deciding anything right now, but I am angry/dismayed/puzzled that I have thoughts and feelings of reconciling.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 So, my W honestly told me her story today about her A. It was hard to hear - I knew a lot of it, but it was still hard to hear. I have never cried so hard in my life. She was honest and responded to so many questions (not quite all of them but close!). Serene - thanks for the Letter to the Wayward Spouse, I gave it to her later in the day to read when we had a second round of talking. It was very good and it said things I felt but had no idea how to say. She still is not sure answering all the questions is the right thing to do. She has read stuff herself that says the opposite. I told her it was what I needed and she agreed to do it (but it was tough on her). And some of the details were tough for me. I'm not deciding anything right now, but I am angry/dismayed/puzzled that I have thoughts and feelings of reconciling. It is actually amazing and rare that a spouse truthfully discloses details. The actually is avery good sign (at this point if you do want a reconciliation).
ConflictedGuy27 Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 OP, your situation is a tough one; but not insurmountable, first and foremost. although you have more life experience, as well as children, I still feel as though I've been where you are, and have repeated the same mistakes you're making RIGHT NOW. I can empathize, believe me. as counterintuative as this may sound, the fact that you two are separated (I assume living separately) is a blessing in disguise. you need to be away from her. you are waaaaaaaaaay to emotional to deal with this situation in your current state; and whether your wife feels genuine guilt or not, she's the one holding all the cards -- for now. it's hard & the truth hurts. not to mention, you yearn for the past; don't you? we all did. we remember our wives as they were; not as they are. the problem with making moves right now, in your current state, is you have no true idea who the hell youre dealing with. you need more clarity before real decisions can be made. unfortunately, to arrive in a more clear place you can't interact with her. doing so WILL very likely overwhelm you and your behavior, all the while your reaction(s) feed her with information that she WILL use to determine how SHE should proceed. now that the cat's out of the bag, stay away from her! temporarily of course. if you want her back, this is also a prescription that leads to respect -- the "anti-doormat prescription", if you will. at this point, I would advise you to do the following: 1. no more letters, no more crying. you tell her that you need some time alone. 2. stay away from her, for at least 10 days. do not see her. (this will set you back). 3. exercise, eat & sleep (allow me to explain): your body (if it hasn't already) is about to go effing haywire. period. this is unavoidable; therefore you must take proactive steps to still give your body what it needs to function EVEN THOUGH your body is not telling you it needs anything. this is referred to as "taking care of yourself". not everyone reacts the same but a few things are damn near universal - loss of appetite, loss of sleep, & ZERO ability to focus on anything else. this is normal. re: food. be sure to keep small snacks around (in your office, in your car, in your pocket... whatever it takes; be sure you're eating something -- string cheese, granola bars, beef jerkey, etc. take vitamins too. re: exercise. go running. it helps. I am no runner, believe me; but there were sometimes when sitting & trying to figure out the impossible, all the why's and what if's, were just too much. running is what your body needs, you'll still be thinking, but sometimes you won't be -- you'll be too tired. fortunately, running is the reason why I was able to sleep so well while I was in your shoes. being awake however... that took more time. re: sleep. simply go to bed 2 - 3 hours earlier than you normally do. it'll likely take you that much time to doze off. your body will be tired despite the feeling of alertness. you must rest. this really helped me. a combination of the eating, exercise and early sleeping routines will help you deal and bring you closer to clarity (i.e. anger/rage), if you stay away from her long enough. 4. if she tries to contact you, don't answer. holy crap will you want to. trust me... words don't mean sh*t yet. where you're at right now, she can use her weakest lies and have you eating out of her hand... & you wouldn't even know it. take 10 days away. deal with the feelings, deal with the pain WITHOUT her! then you'll be in a better place to make tough decisions. dont be weak, my friend. she is in control right now, not you. she is sizing this whole thing up & calculating as you read this. beware. and most of all, please understand that you are ill equipped to deal with her right now. she's not going anywhere, yet. she'll still be there when the "playing field" is equal. stay away from her.
TaraMaiden Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 This sounds like absolutely great, spot-on advice. I think you should try it, because to be honest - it can't hurt. Certainly no more than you are doing at the moment. One thing I would add - keep posting here. Vent, get it all out and let us have it with both barrels. We can take it while you give it.
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