dng Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 After weeks and weeks of NC... I'm not counting the days... Maybe I had a weak moment? I get quite lonely here on my own. After knowing someone for 9 years and spending the first xmas without them it feels weird and cold. I keep saying on here that I want to be a bigger person. So I sent her a short text. "Happy 2011 to you. I hope you find balance and happiness in your life". She instantly shot back multiple texts, calling me "love" and asking if she can come see me tomorrow. I ignored and so she called 3-4 times. Man. I can't do it. I can't see her. She'll just do what she does and restart another vicious cycle of pulling me and pushing me away. What do you folks think? Durka? Homebrew (wii ftw!)? And all the other strong and amazing characters hanging out here...
TaraMaiden Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 To be on the safe side, go out tomorrow. And leave your phone at home. Be daring, I do it sometimes. The world doesn't end, nothing drops off, and nobody dies because of it. Least of all you. Then - NEVER CONTACT HER AGAIN!!!!! (Got it??)
stupidgurl Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Bless you heart. This is exactly why you have keep NC. If you already KNOW you can't even face her because of all it will dredge up, why did you do it? Don't beat yourself up, though. What's done is done. Just remember how you're feeling right now the next time you want to contact her. Good luck to you.
durkadurka Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 After weeks and weeks of NC... I'm not counting the days... Maybe I had a weak moment? I get quite lonely here on my own. After knowing someone for 9 years and spending the first xmas without them it feels weird and cold. I keep saying on here that I want to be a bigger person. So I sent her a short text. "Happy 2011 to you. I hope you find balance and happiness in your life". She instantly shot back multiple texts, calling me "love" and asking if she can come see me tomorrow. I ignored and so she called 3-4 times. Man. I can't do it. I can't see her. She'll just do what she does and restart another vicious cycle of pulling me and pushing me away. What do you folks think? Durka? Homebrew (wii ftw!)? And all the other strong and amazing characters hanging out here... Hey bro, she's gauging your reaction. I don't think you should think twice about it. I think that you would be taking a serious risk by putting yourself out there. Don't do what I did. If you have one foot out the door, step out with the other foot.
Author dng Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 I don't feel better or worse for it. It felt like the right thing to do. We are both human beings with feelings and faults. We messed up something good. I just wish I could be like other people I see around me. They break up and eventually move on and there's no bad blood between them, and will keep minimum contact. It's not cool that this one is so filled with anger and dissappointment. To the point where even the tought of seeing her is sending me hide under the bed. For crying out loud, I'm 36 years old. Am I an emotional retard?
durkadurka Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 I don't feel better or worse for it. It felt like the right thing to do. We are both human beings with feelings and faults. We messed up something good. I just wish I could be like other people I see around me. They break up and eventually move on and there's no bad blood between them, and will keep minimum contact. It's not cool that this one is so filled with anger and dissappointment. To the point where even the tought of seeing her is sending me hide under the bed. For crying out loud, I'm 36 years old. Am I an emotional retard? Dude when my ex and I parted ways, there was hope, eventually hope turned to disappointment.. mostly because we didn't stop liking each other. Bad blood is inevitable, if it isn't today, it might be tomorrow, or next month. Something inevitably happens that ****s people over and creates bad blood. Dude don't fret about age, things happen like this at all ages.
Hades Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 After weeks and weeks of NC... I'm not counting the days... Maybe I had a weak moment? I get quite lonely here on my own. After knowing someone for 9 years and spending the first xmas without them it feels weird and cold. I keep saying on here that I want to be a bigger person. So I sent her a short text. "Happy 2011 to you. I hope you find balance and happiness in your life". She instantly shot back multiple texts, calling me "love" and asking if she can come see me tomorrow. I ignored and so she called 3-4 times. Man. I can't do it. I can't see her. She'll just do what she does and restart another vicious cycle of pulling me and pushing me away. What do you folks think? Durka? Homebrew (wii ftw!)? And all the other strong and amazing characters hanging out here... I totally understand you trying to be the bigger person. I did this before and I realized that it only postponed my healing process. He was more than happy to be "just friends" with me. I still had strong feelings and I analyzed his every word. I think you can wish the person well in your HEART. Any type of communication during this fragile and vulnerable phase is not good for YOU. My X has sent several text messages wishing a Merry Christmas, Happy New Year. I don't feel guilty for not responding. Ignoring him and finding the strength to walk away makes ME the bigger person in my book. I'm looking out for me! It's far too easy to fall back in the comfort zone with an X and I don't want any confusion nor any drama. Do not call or text her. Do not under any circumstances see her! This is for your own growth and for your own healing - not to be spiteful or hurtful towards her. She knows that. You know what's in your heart. You don't need to prove anything to her. Make you the center of the healing process, not her. Hugs! Be strong!
D78 Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 dng, I wouldn't count myself as a strong and amazing character on LS. I'm a rookie dumpee, learning from others' posts. But, I had to respond to say you need to cut yourself some slack! After spending 9 years with someone, you're experiencing your first Christmas and New Years alone. It would be strange if this didn't make you sad. It hurts like hell. You're not an emotional retard. Also, I don't know if it's possible to remain on good terms with exs who you truly loved and broke your heart. I have remained on good terms with all but 2 of my exs: 1 who cheated on me (nuff said); the other is the guy who just broke up with me. Both of these exs I loved with all my heart. The exs that I can stand to see are the ones where we clearly weren't right for each other, never fell in love, never had broken hearts, and had mutual goodbyes. Maybe the folks you know who are on good terms with their exs didn't get their hearts broken, or the broken hearts were healed with time?
Author dng Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 Thank you all for your kind words. I wasn't the perfect boyfriend, but I always respected her and wished her the best, and myself tried my best. I was talking to a friend tonight that went thru something similar and it made me realise how much she exhausted me emotionally with all the ups and downs. I think I'm still reeling from that and that's the reason I ultimately walked away and mean to stay away. Its really difficult because I'm in a big city and I can't get anything going with anyone. I just don't have it in me to find anyone interesting or to invest myself in anything. I know that she doesn't understand all the damage she created. I'm left with this guilt over letting her go that I cannot explain.
durkadurka Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Thank you all for your kind words. I wasn't the perfect boyfriend, but I always respected her and wished her the best, and myself tried my best. I was talking to a friend tonight that went thru something similar and it made me realise how much she exhausted me emotionally with all the ups and downs. I think I'm still reeling from that and that's the reason I ultimately walked away and mean to stay away. Its really difficult because I'm in a big city and I can't get anything going with anyone. I just don't have it in me to find anyone interesting or to invest myself in anything. I know that she doesn't understand all the damage she created. I'm left with this guilt over letting her go that I cannot explain. This sounds familiar.
reknown29 Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Tell her you'll meet her and then call her while she's waiting and say something came up and you cant make it. Make her suffer a little. If she truly wants to reconcile she will plan another meeting and then want you even more. When/ if she really watns you back, you will realize how insensitive she has been to you and you will no longer want her back. IMO I think it is better to move on and find someone new before even considering getting back with her. This way you will know for sure that you're not doing it becuase you think she is all that you are capable of getting in this world. As far as getting yourself back out there, I'm with you. I live in a big city and it can be a lonely place. At least your not in a place like Idaho though, where the only hot girl within 500 miles is your cousin. lol Just kidding! Try to lighten up and dont take things to seriously. At least you had someone for 9 years. A LOT of people have no one in there lives or constantly go through short term relationships. Take it for what it was and embrace the change. An exciting new journey has begun! There really is an abundance out there. 3.5 billion women in the world. You WILL eventually find another one that you like.
Author dng Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 reknown - I'm not really strong enough to pull that off and in anycase I think it would set me back alot. I also don't really want to inflict any more pain. I've reached the point where I accept that she left for her own good reasons and I'm at peace with that. I respected that decision from the get go even if it was the opposite of what I wanted. You can't tie people down when they want to bounce, they will hate you ever more for it. I stayed in the troubled times because I really believed in us. I think she was also very angry at me and that's why she inflicted that pain. I also think that once she was out she realized she wanted everything to go back to normal but that we were both past the point of no return and she just danced around that white elephant in the room, no knowing what to do and being just selfish enough to not care about protecting my emotions. What's left is that I'm still processing all the anger her little games have left. I realize that as long as that pain is there, I cannot forgive her and as long as I don't forgive her, I'm still in the rat's maze so that's my number one priority. I don't really know how to go at it but that's really what I want. For the record, I don't know what she wants. She has a very nontypical character and there's simply no telling what the girl has in mind. Very very best stay away.
WTRanger Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 So you sent her a text, got a response, then ran away? Seems to me like you are doing a bit of pushing and pulling, a bit of up and down, and a bit of game playing yourself. You essentially showed a dog a ball, then fake threw it, then walked away with the ball once the dog ran off. But, yet , you push all of the blame for feeling bad on her. If you ever feel like breaking NC, you had better be strong enough to own up to anything she does. Meaning, you don't just ignore her. If she asks to meet up, you've got to be strong enough to tell her no. If not, then don't break it. Face the problem you created, don't turn and run so the problem will bite you in the ass.
Author dng Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 So you sent her a text, got a response, then ran away? Seems to me like you are doing a bit of pushing and pulling, a bit of up and down, and a bit of game playing yourself. You essentially showed a dog a ball, then fake threw it, then walked away with the ball once the dog ran off. But, yet , you push all of the blame for feeling bad on her. If you ever feel like breaking NC, you had better be strong enough to own up to anything she does. Meaning, you don't just ignore her. If she asks to meet up, you've got to be strong enough to tell her no. If not, then don't break it. Face the problem you created, don't turn and run so the problem will bite you in the ass. I have to agree with you on your assessment of the situation. I feel so bad and so guilty about it too. I didn't expect her to offer to meet up. I did it because I felt bad not giving her a life sign for the beginning of the new year. I figured it was the right thing to do, and the correct way to handle it. I clearly jumped ahead of myself. I am not ready to meet up with her. She can still hurt me in so many ways and as such, I feel like a small person who cannot truely let her go and help be happy if I'm not part of it. I feel cheap. I feel I should say that she has burned me really deeply going on 5 months after the breakup. She has offered reconcialition more times than I can count and has always changed her mind at the last minute saying she was scared too. I ended it when she finally served me the proverbial "I love you but I'm not in love with you". She said she heard her friend tell it to his ex and she felt it fitted her situation too. She retracted days later saying it wasnt what she meant... Yes, I allowed her to do it to me. I felt like I owned her so much and I took the punishment until I couldn't take it anymore. I am profoundly affraid of her now. I have heard reports that people back in my hometown, where she is now, have been calling her crazy. Then again, let's keep things in perspective. I kept it short and simple. No emotions, no hints, no anything. Why she would jump and offer to meet, call me sweet names, even do a little of begging is completely beyond my comprehension.
swfc_77 Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 she is doing this because she thinks you have moved on. dont get into that push/pull game its a waste of time, nothing good will come of it. unless she wants you 100% all the time (which she will say she does now your not there) i would carry on movin on. i'v been where you have been, its a waste of time. and hurts like hell believe me as soon as you show any sort of interest or willing she will turn in the opposite direction people always want what they cant have.
swfc_77 Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 "Why she would jump and offer to meet, call me sweet names, even do a little of begging is completely beyond my comprehension" she wants to meet you to see if you still want her, she wants to know she can still have you at her disposal. be very careful, nobody can tell you what to do, but only warn you of whats ahead through their own experience. my experience, dont do it.
Author dng Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 So you sent her a text, got a response, then ran away? Seems to me like you are doing a bit of pushing and pulling, a bit of up and down, and a bit of game playing yourself. You essentially showed a dog a ball, then fake threw it, then walked away with the ball once the dog ran off. But, yet , you push all of the blame for feeling bad on her. If you ever feel like breaking NC, you had better be strong enough to own up to anything she does. Meaning, you don't just ignore her. If she asks to meet up, you've got to be strong enough to tell her no. If not, then don't break it. Face the problem you created, don't turn and run so the problem will bite you in the ass. Ok so I manned up and shot back a text. "Prefer not to meet you. We both made mistakes and you made a decision I wasnt happy about but I respect it. I just didnt want to be a savage and wish you a happy new year, so there it is." So now I feel silly Stupid ****. I wont answer anything anymore.
TaraMaiden Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 No, that was appropriate, to the point and said all you needed to say. Now - be as good as your word - and quit.
WTRanger Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Ok so I manned up and shot back a text. "Prefer not to meet you. We both made mistakes and you made a decision I wasnt happy about but I respect it. I just didnt want to be a savage and wish you a happy new year, so there it is." So now I feel silly Stupid ****. I wont answer anything anymore. You feel silly because your response was silly. You used the opportunity to get in one last jab, blame her for the break-up, then call yourself a victim (who is sooooooooo compassionate that he's not wanting to be a savage yet insulting/blaming her at the same time) at her. It's like ending any argument with, "Yea, well, your momma's soooo fat..." You could have just said, over the phone and not via text, "I made a mistake in texting you. We aren't ready to be in contact and I feel it's best we don't." You have to remember you are not the victim here. For all she knew, you may have been ready to try friends or reconnect. Now, you drop this hammer on her because you've fallen pray to the Nice Guy tact of being so compassionate that you have a massive store of resentment building up. That resentment is now bursting free and going all over her for no reason. Do yourself a favor and delete her number.
Author dng Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 You feel silly because your response was silly. You used the opportunity to get in one last jab, blame her for the break-up, then call yourself a victim (who is sooooooooo compassionate that he's not wanting to be a savage yet insulting/blaming her at the same time) at her. It's like ending any argument with, "Yea, well, your momma's soooo fat..." You could have just said, over the phone and not via text, "I made a mistake in texting you. We aren't ready to be in contact and I feel it's best we don't." You have to remember you are not the victim here. For all she knew, you may have been ready to try friends or reconnect. Now, you drop this hammer on her because you've fallen pray to the Nice Guy tact of being so compassionate that you have a massive store of resentment building up. That resentment is now bursting free and going all over her for no reason. Do yourself a favor and delete her number. Deleted a long time ago. In fact, I hadnt texted her anything for real so far today as I just realized I was texting to the wrong number because I more or less dont remember it. You have you resentment of your own over whatever happened to you and I can understand that. I'm not that much of a nice guy. I edited my text to just read "Hi, we are not meeting. I just didnt want to be a savage and not say anything for the new year". I'm sure you won't like that either but I'm not doing it for you. I know I made a mistake in texting her in the first place. She'll understand I'm sure, on account of all the times she made that mistake herself. I don't feel victimized. I know I made mistakes during the relationship and I owned up to her and said I was sorry. She also said she was sorry for what she did and said. Really trying to do my best here. Its always easier to see clearly from the outside and that's why all input is appreciated, even the harsher comments.
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