Author September Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 Been thinking a little...(I know, hilarious for a stupid OW! ) I think for a lot of us OW, we fear because we have been thrown under the bus and disregarded that we meant nothing to them. That they have forgotten about the connection, passion and love and how easily they can give that up as if it didn't even exist. For me, that is a part that really hurts. Anyway, I was having a look at another website/forum this morning and noticed a thread about Wayward's thinking/remembering the A. There are many of them talking about how they think about the A ALL the time, a lot most of the day and some a few times a day, even years later! They find it really difficult to move on. Interestingly, the poster's that have their partner's also posting on the same site, answered differently to the anonymous one's. Their responses were so geared to appease their spouses... As strange as it sounds, it gave me some relief to think that they DO still remember and have fond memories.
Spark1111 Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Been thinking a little...(I know, hilarious for a stupid OW! ) I think for a lot of us OW, we fear because we have been thrown under the bus and disregarded that we meant nothing to them. That they have forgotten about the connection, passion and love and how easily they can give that up as if it didn't even exist. For me, that is a part that really hurts. Anyway, I was having a look at another website/forum this morning and noticed a thread about Wayward's thinking/remembering the A. There are many of them talking about how they think about the A ALL the time, a lot most of the day and some a few times a day, even years later! They find it really difficult to move on. Interestingly, the poster's that have their partner's also posting on the same site, answered differently to the anonymous one's. Their responses were so geared to appease their spouses... As strange as it sounds, it gave me some relief to think that they DO still remember and have fond memories. I read that too and wondered about it. I think it all depends WHY you and your spouse reconciled. Was it for love? Or to honor the marital contract? Out of shame? And of course why shouldn't you have fond memories of something that brought you so much joy? As to your particulars, I agree with the posters that said as long as you have some hope in your heart of his return, you may never stop longing or meet someone new. But only you can know when that point will be. ...for you.
Author September Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 I read that too and wondered about it. I think it all depends WHY you and your spouse reconciled. Was it for love? Or to honor the marital contract? Out of shame? And of course why shouldn't you have fond memories of something that brought you so much joy? As to your particulars, I agree with the posters that said as long as you have some hope in your heart of his return, you may never stop longing or meet someone new. But only you can know when that point will be. ...for you. Again, you are correct and I love that you are so very objective. The hope I have is so very small but I feel it's important to have it. I always teach my children to have hope and faith in things but realising also that you can't always get what you want. My hope? Don't worry, I am being realistic. If I got the chance to meet someone, I would love to go on a date. I am not ready to get involved in a full blown relationship. I am enjoying my single life and children but sometimes it's lovely to enjoy the company of the opposite sex. Yes, an unattached single man...
Sidtheskid Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Again, you are correct and I love that you are so very objective. The hope I have is so very small but I feel it's important to have it. I always teach my children to have hope and faith in things but realising also that you can't always get what you want. My hope? Don't worry, I am being realistic. If I got the chance to meet someone, I would love to go on a date. I am not ready to get involved in a full blown relationship. I am enjoying my single life and children but sometimes it's lovely to enjoy the company of the opposite sex. Yes, an unattached single man... Enjoy your children. Enjoy you - take a class, do something for you. All else will follow.
anne1707 Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Interestingly, the poster's that have their partner's also posting on the same site, answered differently to the anonymous one's. Their responses were so geared to appease their spouses... As a former WS whose husband also posts on LS, I can promise you that I do not gear my posts towards appeasing my H although I also recognise that I would possibly post differently if he was not here. But that is only because I will not post about some aspects or emotions of the affair out of respect to my H. We have fought long and hard to get where we are now and he does not deserve to see details from the past that may hurt him to be reminded of.
Mrs. Jones Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Been thinking a little...(I know, hilarious for a stupid OW! ) I think for a lot of us OW, we fear because we have been thrown under the bus and disregarded that we meant nothing to them. That they have forgotten about the connection, passion and love and how easily they can give that up as if it didn't even exist. For me, that is a part that really hurts. Anyway, I was having a look at another website/forum this morning and noticed a thread about Wayward's thinking/remembering the A. There are many of them talking about how they think about the A ALL the time, a lot most of the day and some a few times a day, even years later! They find it really difficult to move on. Interestingly, the poster's that have their partner's also posting on the same site, answered differently to the anonymous one's. Their responses were so geared to appease their spouses... As strange as it sounds, it gave me some relief to think that they DO still remember and have fond memories. I’ve been wondering the same thing and have been perusing some other websites for answers regarding how my AP might be feeling right now. How he's handling being back with his W. I still think of him constantly, though it’s only been 1.5 months since our second DDay. We have been NC since and I have some good days and some bad. I still hold out hope too that he will contact me someday, and I know it’s making it hard for me to move forward. I know he did not go back for love, but for his “obligation.” But I really think it was fear. I also think he backed out for me because I have young children and he “did not want to be the one to split my marriage up”...though he talked about us leaving and being together through out our relationship.
Author September Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 I’ve been wondering the same thing and have been perusing some other websites for answers regarding how my AP might be feeling right now. How he's handling being back with his W. I still think of him constantly, though it’s only been 1.5 months since our second DDay. We have been NC since and I have some good days and some bad. I still hold out hope too that he will contact me someday, and I know it’s making it hard for me to move forward. I know he did not go back for love, but for his “obligation.” But I really think it was fear. I also think he backed out for me because I have young children and he “did not want to be the one to split my marriage up”...though he talked about us leaving and being together through out our relationship. Your second D-Day? Were you both caught? Oh yes, your situation sounds very like mine...
whichwayisup Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I know he did not go back for love, but for his “obligation.” But I really think it was fear. At the end of the day, what his reasons were to go home and end the affair doesn't matter. Could be because of fear, loss of everything that he knows and loves, his life as he knows it. They are his reasons and to him, they must mean something to go back and try again. Also, keep in mind, he may tell you one thing (I am going home due to obligation) but after Dday hit him, feelings that he thought he buried for his wife, could have come out. Obligation is important and if he is truly willing to try to work with his wife to fix his marriage, then it's something you need to accept so you can heal, make your own closure.. Focus on you, letting go and grieving so you can heal, find peace in your life.
Sidtheskid Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I think for a lot of us OW, we fear because we have been thrown under the bus and disregarded that we meant nothing to them. That they have forgotten about the connection, passion and love and how easily they can give that up as if it didn't even exist. For me, that is a part that really hurt There's no reason to fear. As OW I think we need to be very aware of our place. MM aren't interested in our "lives". As an OW, you should know this. You exist, of course. But not as a priority in his life. Yes it hurts - you are still you, though. Be you and enjoy your life.
Mrs. Jones Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Your second D-Day? Were you both caught? Oh yes, your situation sounds very like mine... Yes, in a most peculiar way. Someone was stalking me and found “us.” From one of the notes we received, this person…and I think I may know who it is…had been following me for a few of months. My husband received a package and then called my AP (1st dday for all), then 2 months later his wife received the same package (2nd dday). This “stalker” was vengeful, as he claimed in the first note, this had happened to him. It was very unfortunate and none of his business.
Mrs. Jones Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 At the end of the day, what his reasons were to go home and end the affair doesn't matter. Could be because of fear, loss of everything that he knows and loves, his life as he knows it. They are his reasons and to him, they must mean something to go back and try again. Also, keep in mind, he may tell you one thing (I am going home due to obligation) but after Dday hit him, feelings that he thought he buried for his wife, could have come out. Obligation is important and if he is truly willing to try to work with his wife to fix his marriage, then it's something you need to accept so you can heal, make your own closure.. Focus on you, letting go and grieving so you can heal, find peace in your life. Thank you WWIU. Your post is absolutely on point and yet I struggle with this daily. I’m trying. I do believe something happened after the second dday, for after the 1st we continued LC…instigated by him. I think after seeing his wife and family so hurt the second time, he had to pull out. I do believe he is not happy at home and will most likely do this again down the road. But that is not my problem. For me...I will focus on the healing, as you said, and try to let go.
half_ofa_heart Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Thank you WWIU. Your post is absolutely on point and yet I struggle with this daily. I’m trying. I do believe something happened after the second dday, for after the 1st we continued LC…instigated by him. I think after seeing his wife and family so hurt the second time, he had to pull out. I do believe he is not happy at home and will most likely do this again down the road. But that is not my problem. For me...I will focus on the healing, as you said, and try to let go. I will refer you to my favorite Albert Einstein quote: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" If they(MM and his W) didn't try and change what they were doing, how did they expect a different outcome???
Greeneyedmexi Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 The A ended a year ago. This last year I have REALLY struggled with trying to get over him. Some days are great, some are awful. I find the constant thoughts/memories exhaust me and I just want to sleep, can't seem to get enough. Anyone else feel this way? The first year of my marriage was very rocky. I married a man who I thought need a wife, lover, and friend but instead found out he was looking for a substitute mother. I don't want to get too deep because 4 years later, this man is still an Adult Child and the pressure to repeat history is staring me in the face. I ran into an old HS guy friend. We started out talking on friendly terms and I loved the attention he lavished on me. One night things went beyond the point of no return and I began a short term sexual affair with this man. It felt so good and I hadn't experienced such sexual fullfillment in a long time, but the lying and sneaking around had me stressed to the max. My husband did find out and boy the crap hit the fan. This other guy DID NOT stick around to help me pick up the pieces, why should he. It was an easy "no strings attached relationship" for him. 4 years later, I am singing the same blues in my marriage with an incredible loss of my Mom and going back to school full time going on. My husband is clueless. Temptation has come knocking at my door again but I won't answer it because it's only a temporary fix. Please don't torture yourself over this person. Chalk it up as a lesson learned and move foward. :cool: :cool:
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