So tired of being tired..

[September]

The A ended a year ago. This last year I have REALLY struggled with trying to get over him. Some days are great, some are awful. I find the constant thoughts/memories exhaust me and I just want to sleep, can't seem to get enough.

 

Anyone else feel this way?

[jj33]

I felt that way for a long time at least a year almost 2 and then it got better. If I had met someone in that time I think it would have vanished. It takes time but it does disappear. Meeting someone else shouldnt make it easier but Im sure it does because it fills that void where the relationship used to be.

 

Hang in there it will get better. Big hugs and happy new year

[desertIslandCactus]

The A ended a year ago. This last year I have REALLY struggled with trying to get over him. Some days are great, some are awful. I find the constant thoughts/memories exhaust me and I just want to sleep, can't seem to get enough.

 

Anyone else feel this way?

 

Find my self constantly thanking God for keeping me from my 'mistake'.

[BB07]

Can I ask you a question September, do you still have some hope that thing might possibly work out?

 

I can relate to what you are saying in some respects.......I'm tired of thinking about it, being angry about it. I wish I could just erase that chapter of my life and I regret the day I ever looked at him the first time.

In the way that it's different for me is I have no desire for him, no illusions of love, no hope. I'm truly done!

[September]

Can I ask you a question September, do you still have some hope that thing might possibly work out?

 

I can relate to what you are saying in some respects.......I'm tired of thinking about it, being angry about it. I wish I could just erase that chapter of my life and I regret the day I ever looked at him the first time.

In the way that it's different for me is I have no desire for him, no illusions of love, no hope. I'm truly done!

 

To be honest, yes, there is a small part of me that hopes it would work out between us. We all would like the fairytale ending but in reality, I know it's not going to happen.

 

This man pursued me no end and I too have times of anger when I feel so cross with myself for allowing myself to get involved with him, allowing myself to believe all the "promises". Then the anger drifts and all of the wonderful memories come flooding back. I would love to feel the way you do about your xMM, I really really would...

[September]

I felt that way for a long time at least a year almost 2 and then it got better. If I had met someone in that time I think it would have vanished. It takes time but it does disappear. Meeting someone else shouldnt make it easier but Im sure it does because it fills that void where the relationship used to be.

 

Hang in there it will get better. Big hugs and happy new year

 

 

Thanks JJ...

 

I would love to be able to meet an available man, even just to go out and have fun with, it's a little hard when you have children at home though.

[BB07]

To be honest, yes, there is a small part of me that hopes it would work out between us. We all would like the fairytale ending but in reality, I know it's not going to happen.

 

This man pursued me no end and I too have times of anger when I feel so cross with myself for allowing myself to get involved with him, allowing myself to believe all the "promises". Then the anger drifts and all of the wonderful memories come flooding back. I would love to feel the way you do about your xMM, I really really would...

 

I think if you let go of that speck of hope then you can move on and you'll stop dreaming about "just maybe". In some ways what happened to me, was such a huge slap in the face that it was something that I could not look over or excuse or rationalize so I suppose that made it easier for me to get to this stage.

Please don't think I'm implying that I'm better than you ....that isn't what I mean at all. Frankly this anger thing scares me sometimes because I know that I'm going to have to let it go or else I'm going to stay stuck here and that isn't a good place to be either. So I have my struggles also, but it is better than wanting someone that I can't have.

[jwi71]

The A ended a year ago. This last year I have REALLY struggled with trying to get over him. Some days are great, some are awful. I find the constant thoughts/memories exhaust me and I just want to sleep, can't seem to get enough.

 

So you gave him yet another of your life? Why?

This ends when YOU decide it does and not one moment sooner.

 

Anyone else feel this way?

 

EVERYONE goes through this.

And it ENDS when you decide it does.

Until you truly realize that the truth lies in what he does, you will be here hoping his words come true.

 

And that ruinous poisonous hope that infects you retards you from TRULY living.

 

Question: What has he done to have a life with me?

Answer: Nothing.

 

Stop giving your only life to him.

Your life...you choose. And yes its a choice.

[half_ofa_heart]

The A ended a year ago. This last year I have REALLY struggled with trying to get over him. Some days are great, some are awful. I find the constant thoughts/memories exhaust me and I just want to sleep, can't seem to get enough.

 

Anyone else feel this way?

 

Oh My! reading your thread and the words of others who have also felt what you are feeling doesn't give me hope to give up my MM. I hate every aspect of this affair but love everything about him and loving him is what keeps me in this hell. I keep telling myself that perhaps if I go out with someone else, that I will get over him. But, no one else fits the bill.

 

Good luck to you September. I hope you find the peace you (and all of us OW) deserve.

 

Happy New Year!

[BB07]

Oh My! reading your thread and the words of others who have also felt what you are feeling doesn't give me hope to give up my MM. I hate every aspect of this affair but love everything about him and loving him is what keeps me in this hell. I keep telling myself that perhaps if I go out with someone else, that I will get over him. But, no one else fits the bill.

 

Good luck to you September. I hope you find the peace you (and all of us OW) deserve.

 

Happy New Year!

 

 

Ahhhh, now stop that. Someone else is not going to fix it, you have to fix you. You said yourself that it is hell.....so when are you gonna turn that key and set yourself free?

 

You sound as if you are just resigning yourself to being miserable. Surely that isn't what you are doing, right?

[half_ofa_heart]

Ahhhh, now stop that. Someone else is not going to fix it, you have to fix you. You said yourself that it is hell.....so when are you gonna turn that key and set yourself free?

 

You sound as if you are just resigning yourself to being miserable. Surely that isn't what you are doing, right?

 

BB... In a way you are correct, I am resigning myself to be miserable - when he isn't with me or calling me or IMing me. When we are together or talking (via any method) I am elated! Granted, the misery out weighs the elation and this is when I feel I need to end it. The problem is, when I do, he refuses to let me go. Goes around every road block I put into place.

 

I love him - of this I am certain. Would I still love him if I had him all to myself? I have a feeling, I'll never know the answer to this question. Right now, I'm trying to concentrate on dealing with all the major turmoil going on in my life. Once I am stable with all that, then perhaps I will have the necessary strength to end it once and for all.

 

Thanks BB

[pureinheart]

To be honest, yes, there is a small part of me that hopes it would work out between us. We all would like the fairytale ending but in reality, I know it's not going to happen.

 

This man pursued me no end and I too have times of anger when I feel so cross with myself for allowing myself to get involved with him, allowing myself to believe all the "promises". Then the anger drifts and all of the wonderful memories come flooding back. I would love to feel the way you do about your xMM, I really really would...

 

Hi September:)

 

You wrote exactly how I feel. exDM made me really mad sometimes, although we had so much in common and had so much fum. I really felt comfortable with him with certain things...and then there was that other side of the R . The bad was so bad that I need to remember that and the reasons why I ended it. This time I have to stick to it no matter what.

 

You know September, I would rather keep the good memories, hang on to those and "remember" the bad so that I don't go back...walk in forgiveness and love myself.

 

I hope you are ok:), please feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk...you are a way cool person:) ((((((hugs))))))

[pureinheart]

BB... In a way you are correct, I am resigning myself to be miserable - when he isn't with me or calling me or IMing me. When we are together or talking (via any method) I am elated! Granted, the misery out weighs the elation and this is when I feel I need to end it. The problem is, when I do, he refuses to let me go. Goes around every road block I put into place.

 

I love him - of this I am certain. Would I still love him if I had him all to myself? I have a feeling, I'll never know the answer to this question. Right now, I'm trying to concentrate on dealing with all the major turmoil going on in my life. Once I am stable with all that, then perhaps I will have the necessary strength to end it once and for all.

 

Thanks BB

 

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))), I have been there and it is confusing....

[pureinheart]

Oh My! reading your thread and the words of others who have also felt what you are feeling doesn't give me hope to give up my MM. I hate every aspect of this affair but love everything about him and loving him is what keeps me in this hell. I keep telling myself that perhaps if I go out with someone else, that I will get over him. But, no one else fits the bill.

 

Good luck to you September. I hope you find the peace you (and all of us OW) deserve.

 

Happy New Year!

 

HofaH,

 

I was so torn, just like you...love is an interesting thing...and FTR, until you are over him, nothing will work. I tried that too, dating others...OMG, what a joke, it made me MORE miserable.

 

My advice would be to forget about how good he makes you feel and go more off of how YOU feel. Look at the R objectively...where is it at/where is it going/will it change/can you handle the way it is now.

 

I believe in any R, logic and objectivity much take a front seat. I seem to attract commitment phobics, so I have to look at each R on it's own merit.

[silverplanets]

Thanks JJ...

 

I would love to be able to meet an available man, even just to go out and have fun with, it's a little hard when you have children at home though.

 

Hi September,

 

My honest feeling is that meeting someone else wouldn't help .. not if you don't honestly feel you are over it. It would be a distraction, a perk up etc etc but ultimately it wouldn't deal with the issue.

 

I'm a single dad to my child so understand that difficulties, but equally I have chosen not to go out with anyone since going NC for ever (it's been well over 12 months now since then) because I wanted to deal with the grief/loss and also the issues within me that led to me being vunerable to this, and I wanted to face them alone.

 

I am SO glad I have taken this time for myself as well .. I have learnt so much about myself and my daughter has benefited SO much as well.

 

But the main point (for me) is that it allowed me to take time to go back inside myself and come to peace with certain things from long ago and that has brought me to a core of inner peace and strength that, in hindsight, I was always looking for a relationship to provide me.

 

And the best thing is that because this inner peace and strength has been found alone by me, it is not dependant on anyone (that I can tell) and so is now part of me and not subject to me being with anyone else.

 

So now, if I do meet someone else, I am whole BEFORE I start .. which has got to be a good thing !!!

 

So don't be too hard on yourself .. and don't worry if it seems to be taking a long time .. the longer you take the deeper will the acceptance,learning, peace and acceptance that follows.

 

It will eventually get less worse, then better, then better still, then one day it just won't be there ... and instead will be this radiant, whole YOU in your OWN life ...

 

And rest assured, once this you is shining, you won't be on your own for very long :)

 

be safe

Chris

[SunsetRed]

I'm going through this too. My xMM pursued me and made me feel so loved. He had been separated for 3 years when I met him and as the divorce proceedings were happening and his soon to be ex wife found out he was with me, she begged him back, for the "kids" "house" whatever and he went.

 

I know their relationship will fail and I keep waiting for that to happen so that he'll come back to me. I just know he'll come back to me....but all I'm doing is obsessing by myself right now.

 

NOW, suddenly 4 months after the break up, I've met someone else. I have an amazing amt of things in common with this new guy and it would be a shame to not get to know him...but I can't let go and be open to him because I think my xMM is coming back to me.

 

I even want to break NC to find out where my xMM is in his thought process before I begin proceeding with New Guy. Bad move, I know.

 

Another part of not being able to move on is that I feel like if I'd been a better gf and had met his needs better, he wouldn't have gone back to the wife after being separated for so long. He chose to go back, after having told me the week before that I was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

 

So, yes, moving on is hard. My plan is to take it one day at a time..go out with the New Guy and not call the xMM. Lol, it New Guy and I end up together, the xMM will probably resurface, as most ex's have a radar for knowing when you're with someone new.

[Confused4Now]

Hi September,

 

My honest feeling is that meeting someone else wouldn't help .. not if you don't honestly feel you are over it. It would be a distraction, a perk up etc etc but ultimately it wouldn't deal with the issue.

 

I'm a single dad to my child so understand that difficulties, but equally I have chosen not to go out with anyone since going NC for ever (it's been well over 12 months now since then) because I wanted to deal with the grief/loss and also the issues within me that led to me being vunerable to this, and I wanted to face them alone.

 

I am SO glad I have taken this time for myself as well .. I have learnt so much about myself and my daughter has benefited SO much as well.

 

But the main point (for me) is that it allowed me to take time to go back inside myself and come to peace with certain things from long ago and that has brought me to a core of inner peace and strength that, in hindsight, I was always looking for a relationship to provide me.

 

And the best thing is that because this inner peace and strength has been found alone by me, it is not dependant on anyone (that I can tell) and so is now part of me and not subject to me being with anyone else.

 

So now, if I do meet someone else, I am whole BEFORE I start .. which has got to be a good thing !!!

 

So don't be too hard on yourself .. and don't worry if it seems to be taking a long time .. the longer you take the deeper will the acceptance,learning, peace and acceptance that follows.

 

It will eventually get less worse, then better, then better still, then one day it just won't be there ... and instead will be this radiant, whole YOU in your OWN life ...

 

And rest assured, once this you is shining, you won't be on your own for very long :)

 

be safe

Chris

In bold is so me....I'm so glad to see I'm not alone. I do still have minimal contact with xMW...but I've been doing the work also on myself. So that the next relationship will be a healthy one. This is why I mostly go out in groups. I try not to put myself in that situation one on one with anyone.

 

Can I ask how old is your daughter Silverplanets? Mine is 15 and I can assure you she's a handful.

[half_ofa_heart]

HofaH,

 

I was so torn, just like you...love is an interesting thing...and FTR, until you are over him, nothing will work. I tried that too, dating others...OMG, what a joke, it made me MORE miserable.

 

My advice would be to forget about how good he makes you feel and go more off of how YOU feel. Look at the R objectively...where is it at/where is it going/will it change/can you handle the way it is now.

 

I believe in any R, logic and objectivity much take a front seat. I seem to attract commitment phobics, so I have to look at each R on it's own merit.

 

Thank you Pure. I really do appreciate your insight. I have daily struggles with this relationship but they only come to mind when I think about him with her (the W). I have no problem with the amount time we spend together nor the quality of the time we spend together, my only problem is sharing him with her. Sometimes I wish we were able to go out to dinner together, or a movie or any normal "date" but those arent' deal breakers for me. Being married, now that's a deal breaker but I somehow can't seem to get past the way he makes me feel when we're together or just talking. He lights up my world which right now, is pretty dark.

 

Thanks again for your words, they are quite soothing.

[BB07]

Thank you Pure. I really do appreciate your insight. I have daily struggles with this relationship but they only come to mind when I think about him with her (the W). I have no problem with the amount time we spend together nor the quality of the time we spend together, my only problem is sharing him with her. Sometimes I wish we were able to go out to dinner together, or a movie or any normal "date" but those arent' deal breakers for me. Being married, now that's a deal breaker but I somehow can't seem to get past the way he makes me feel when we're together or just talking. He lights up my world which right now, is pretty dark.

 

Thanks again for your words, they are quite soothing.

 

Half-ofa-heart....read the above, your words.

When I read it, it breaks my heart. You are settling for little pieces of what he chooses to give you. He is calling all the shots and that is usually the way it is when you are in a affair. You accept and are happy to get whatever he can spare. You don't wanna share, but you are. You can't do the things you want to with him, (go out on real dates, etc.) It's about how he makes you feel, but yet he is bringing you pain and yes I get you must have other things going on that are painful also, but at what cost is this pain going to cost you the longer it goes on? You deserve better than what you are getting, don't you?

Hugs........

[half_ofa_heart]

Half-ofa-heart....read the above, your words.

When I read it, it breaks my heart. You are settling for little pieces of what he chooses to give you. He is calling all the shots and that is usually the way it is when you are in a affair. You accept and are happy to get whatever he can spare. You don't wanna share, but you are. You can't do the things you want to with him, (go out on real dates, etc.) It's about how he makes you feel, but yet he is bringing you pain and yes I get you must have other things going on that are painful also, but at what cost is this pain going to cost you the longer it goes on? You deserve better than what you are getting, don't you?

Hugs........

 

I hear you BB I really do. I KNOW what I need to do but don't have the strength to fight the fight. I feel like I'm already battered and bruised from non-A related issues that he (and my kids) are the only happiness I have in my life.

 

Right now, I'm trying to focus on getting all the "dark" issues of my life taken care of and put in the past. Hopefully by then, I will go back to being the strong independant woman I once was. but for right now, I've tried EVERYTHING to end it including blocking him from several methods of communication but that doesn't stop him and I'm too much vulnerable (not to mention totally in love with him) right now to fight him off.

 

This year just HAS to be the year that I get my life back.

[pureinheart]

Thank you Pure. I really do appreciate your insight. I have daily struggles with this relationship but they only come to mind when I think about him with her (the W). I have no problem with the amount time we spend together nor the quality of the time we spend together, my only problem is sharing him with her. Sometimes I wish we were able to go out to dinner together, or a movie or any normal "date" but those arent' deal breakers for me. Being married, now that's a deal breaker but I somehow can't seem to get past the way he makes me feel when we're together or just talking. He lights up my world which right now, is pretty dark.

 

Thanks again for your words, they are quite soothing.

 

Oh man do I remember that (bold)...exDM caused me to feel human again, and vice versa. Actually, him and some other good fortune that came my way, saved my very life...and the misfortune that was about to occur, exDM helped me through all of it...and it wasn't "karma", it was "life".

 

You guys help each other I bet...FTR, the good part of himself that he is showing you (most MM are demonised terribly) IS real..it is you bringing out the good part of him.

 

((((((((HofaH)))))))), I also understand the darkness you feel, and I am really glad that he is there to help you because there are a lot of people in that boat whether they admit it/communicate it or not..people are uncertain about the future, it is a difficult time for many...hang in there girl, your answers will come and all of the darkness will be moved/gone in a NY minute:)

[pureinheart]

I hear you BB I really do. I KNOW what I need to do but don't have the strength to fight the fight. I feel like I'm already battered and bruised from non-A related issues that he (and my kids) are the only happiness I have in my life.

 

Right now, I'm trying to focus on getting all the "dark" issues of my life taken care of and put in the past. Hopefully by then, I will go back to being the strong independant woman I once was. but for right now, I've tried EVERYTHING to end it including blocking him from several methods of communication but that doesn't stop him and I'm too much vulnerable (not to mention totally in love with him) right now to fight him off.

 

This year just HAS to be the year that I get my life back.

 

In bold, you can take that to the bank:D...

[half_ofa_heart]

Oh man do I remember that (bold)...exDM caused me to feel human again, and vice versa. Actually, him and some other good fortune that came my way, saved my very life...and the misfortune that was about to occur, exDM helped me through all of it...and it wasn't "karma", it was "life".

 

You guys help each other I bet...FTR, the good part of himself that he is showing you (most MM are demonised terribly) IS real..it is you bringing out the good part of him.

 

((((((((HofaH)))))))), I also understand the darkness you feel, and I am really glad that he is there to help you because there are a lot of people in that boat whether they admit it/communicate it or not..people are uncertain about the future, it is a difficult time for many...hang in there girl, your answers will come and all of the darkness will be moved/gone in a NY minute:)

 

Thank you Pure... I'm doing the best I can in these trying times and he is there for me. Someone to lean on when I feel like i can't stand on my own. I hate being this needy - totally out of character for me but like you said, I'm not the only one who feels this way.

 

Thanks again.

[pureinheart]

I'm going through this too. My xMM pursued me and made me feel so loved. He had been separated for 3 years when I met him and as the divorce proceedings were happening and his soon to be ex wife found out he was with me, she begged him back, for the "kids" "house" whatever and he went.

 

I know their relationship will fail and I keep waiting for that to happen so that he'll come back to me. I just know he'll come back to me....but all I'm doing is obsessing by myself right now.

 

NOW, suddenly 4 months after the break up, I've met someone else. I have an amazing amt of things in common with this new guy and it would be a shame to not get to know him...but I can't let go and be open to him because I think my xMM is coming back to me.

 

I even want to break NC to find out where my xMM is in his thought process before I begin proceeding with New Guy. Bad move, I know.

 

Another part of not being able to move on is that I feel like if I'd been a better gf and had met his needs better, he wouldn't have gone back to the wife after being separated for so long. He chose to go back, after having told me the week before that I was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

 

So, yes, moving on is hard. My plan is to take it one day at a time..go out with the New Guy and not call the xMM. Lol, it New Guy and I end up together, the xMM will probably resurface, as most ex's have a radar for knowing when you're with someone new.

 

((((((((hugs!!!!)))))))...ya that "radar" thing is so the truth...in my case, I think exDM was spying on me...he's into that surveillance stuff, also he knows my neighbor down the street.

 

Bold...it is not your fault, there was nothing you could do. If you were being YOU, no matter what YOU was with him then you were being genuine, which is what he needed to see in order to make a decision. YOU didn't do anything wrong BTW.

 

For me, if I can put some/all of the blame on me then in my mind, I can fix it...most of the time things don't work because they don't...nobody's fault, it is just done and over. Try not to fall into this trap as it could keep you from someone who is really good for you.

 

I've never been much of a gambler...when I go to Vegas I put out about 20 bucks and that's about it...I stick to the Black Jack tables because that's always been a sure thing. Your new guy sounds like the Black Jack tables to me:D

[September]

I think if you let go of that speck of hope then you can move on and you'll stop dreaming about "just maybe". In some ways what happened to me, was such a huge slap in the face that it was something that I could not look over or excuse or rationalize so I suppose that made it easier for me to get to this stage.

Please don't think I'm implying that I'm better than you ....that isn't what I mean at all. Frankly this anger thing scares me sometimes because I know that I'm going to have to let it go or else I'm going to stay stuck here and that isn't a good place to be either. So I have my struggles also, but it is better than wanting someone that I can't have.

 

You are sweet, thank you. I cetainly didn't take it that way!

 

Oh My! reading your thread and the words of others who have also felt what you are feeling doesn't give me hope to give up my MM. I hate every aspect of this affair but love everything about him and loving him is what keeps me in this hell. I keep telling myself that perhaps if I go out with someone else, that I will get over him. But, no one else fits the bill.

 

Good luck to you September. I hope you find the peace you (and all of us OW) deserve.

 

Happy New Year!

 

Thank you also, Happy New Year to you too!

 

Hi September:)

 

You wrote exactly how I feel. exDM made me really mad sometimes, although we had so much in common and had so much fum. I really felt comfortable with him with certain things...and then there was that other side of the R . The bad was so bad that I need to remember that and the reasons why I ended it. This time I have to stick to it no matter what.

 

You know September, I would rather keep the good memories, hang on to those and "remember" the bad so that I don't go back...walk in forgiveness and love myself.

 

I hope you are ok:), please feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk...you are a way cool person:) ((((((hugs))))))

 

Pure, thank you also for your kind words. I am ok thanks, I just have good and bad days. Today I am feeling good!

The memories I have are wonderful and they do outweigh the bad because honestly, there really weren't many bad one's. Just got to take it one day at a time..

 

Hi September,

 

My honest feeling is that meeting someone else wouldn't help .. not if you don't honestly feel you are over it. It would be a distraction, a perk up etc etc but ultimately it wouldn't deal with the issue.

 

I'm a single dad to my child so understand that difficulties, but equally I have chosen not to go out with anyone since going NC for ever (it's been well over 12 months now since then) because I wanted to deal with the grief/loss and also the issues within me that led to me being vunerable to this, and I wanted to face them alone.

 

I am SO glad I have taken this time for myself as well .. I have learnt so much about myself and my daughter has benefited SO much as well.

 

But the main point (for me) is that it allowed me to take time to go back inside myself and come to peace with certain things from long ago and that has brought me to a core of inner peace and strength that, in hindsight, I was always looking for a relationship to provide me.

 

And the best thing is that because this inner peace and strength has been found alone by me, it is not dependant on anyone (that I can tell) and so is now part of me and not subject to me being with anyone else.

 

So now, if I do meet someone else, I am whole BEFORE I start .. which has got to be a good thing !!!

 

So don't be too hard on yourself .. and don't worry if it seems to be taking a long time .. the longer you take the deeper will the acceptance,learning, peace and acceptance that follows.

 

It will eventually get less worse, then better, then better still, then one day it just won't be there ... and instead will be this radiant, whole YOU in your OWN life ...

 

And rest assured, once this you is shining, you won't be on your own for very long :)

 

be safe

Chris

 

Chris, you are so right (thank you) and I have been taking time out and not rushing into meeting someone else. I have a lot of wonderful supportive girlfriends but sometimes it would be nice to be able to interact with a man again!

When I am emotionally ready, it will happen but for the time being, I would love to get out and have some fun...