jessie's girl Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 I have been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years. I had planned to end it, but he kept promising me he would be leaving and like a do do bird, I kept believing him. It is a new year. I promised myself I will not be with him by the end of 2011 if he has not left, filed for divorce and worked towards being with me and only me. How long have you waited? How long will you wait? I am just tired of spending days and nights alone; holidays alone. I just want a normal relationship.
BB07 Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 What makes you think waiting another year will make it different?
jj33 Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 If you feel like a do do bird why are you giving it another year? Unless you are happy with the relationship as it is, or happy enough to enjoy another year together, one more year means one more year invested and one more year that could make it that much harder to leave. The more we have invested in something the harder it is to give up when hope is still dangled in front of us like a carrot. I didnt wait. Once I wanted more than I was getting I split. But hope was alive in my mind for a good year or two thereafter even though we were no longer together. Nothing ever changed. I stopped waiting stopped hoping he keeps trying to get my attention but it doesnt matter because nothing ever changed. Everyone's situation is different but the general theory seems to be that people change when their world no longer meets their needs. He has it all if hes not motivated to change why would he change this year. I must confess I never bought that argument myself when I was in the A. My feeling was if he didnt want to be out of his marriage and didnt want a full time relationship with me, he did not want it and if part time and preserving the status quo was good enough then he didnt really want what I wanted. And guess what? I was right.
ItsNeverForever Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 What makes you think waiting another year will make it different? Ok, I got disgusted with the empty promises after 6 months...I don't know how you can stand to look at him after 3.5 lonely years on the backburner. Please listen to everyone here when they tell you this: he is not going to leave her for you or he would have already. Save yourself sweetie, don't give him another year - give him the finger instead!
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 What makes you think waiting another year will make it different? Exactly. Why wait another year? To see if he actually follows through on what he says? Has he even talked to his wife about divorcing? Or is that what he just tells you, then he goes home and continues to live life with his wife (meaning, they still do family outings and he sleeps in their marital bed).. If you are unhappy, end it and tell him to contact you once he is officially divorced and then you'll date him, start fresh. If you continue to wait around and be the OW, that's all you'll get. Be second fiddle, stay in the affair and be the OW in his life. Has it occured to you that he really has no intention of divorcing his wife? All he's looking for is just having an affair, having an OW (you) on the side and that's not going to change unless YOU end it with him and walk away.
stupidgurl Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 I would've never waited 3.5 years, or anything close to it!!! If he truly loved you he would have already done 1 of 2 things: 1. End his marriage and make a real life with you, or 2. Let you go so that you could find happiness. When someone loves us they want us to be happy. 1
BB07 Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 JG.........I read your few other posts. Hon you are letting this man use you and string you along. You are hanging on to a dream and hope. It's not reality! The reality is that he is 99.9% unlikely to leave. If he was going to, he would have left a long time ago. There is always going to be some excuse, some reason that he can't and the simple truth is that he doesn't want to. Sure he may be conflicted at times, but not enough to leave. He likes things pretty much as they are. If he didn't, he would do something different, but in 4 years........it's not gonna happen. Start living your life for you, get some therapy, enjoy your children, what you are doing to yourself is no way to live. It's a miserable existence to wait on someone and no one should have to wait on real love. Real love does not make you wait, nor make you suffer. You deserve better than this! He doesn't deserve you because frankly he is cake eating asshat. Wake up before any more time precious time passes you by.
AngeletteX Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Hi JG - it doesn't really matter how long others have waited or are willing wait. It doesn't matter what others say you should/shouldn't do. What matters is how long are YOU willing to wait? No one knows your R better than you. YOU have to decide whether this R is making you happy and whether it's worth hanging in for another year. I haven't read your story but keep in mind that actions speak louder than words. What he does is more important than what he says.
Got it Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 In the beginning I agreed to wait one year and I waited one year and two months. I stayed as long as the good outweighed the bad. I made sure that my needs were met and while there were some perimeters there were not more than I could handle. He was lucky I would agree to be in an EMR so he better show his appreciation.
stupidgurl Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 If you really want to know, end it. That is the only way. If he means what he says, when he realizes he has lost you, he will move mountains to get you back. Otherwise, at least you know.
Author jessie's girl Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 JG.........I read your few other posts. Hon you are letting this man use you and string you along. You are hanging on to a dream and hope. It's not reality! The reality is that he is 99.9% unlikely to leave. If he was going to, he would have left a long time ago. There is always going to be some excuse, some reason that he can't and the simple truth is that he doesn't want to. Sure he may be conflicted at times, but not enough to leave. He likes things pretty much as they are. If he didn't, he would do something different, but in 4 years........it's not gonna happen. Start living your life for you, get some therapy, enjoy your children, what you are doing to yourself is no way to live. It's a miserable existence to wait on someone and no one should have to wait on real love. Real love does not make you wait, nor make you suffer. You deserve better than this! He doesn't deserve you because frankly he is cake eating asshat. Wake up before any more time precious time passes you by. Thanks you BB. What you said really impacted me, especially what is in bold. Hi JG - it doesn't really matter how long others have waited or are willing wait. It doesn't matter what others say you should/shouldn't do. What matters is how long are YOU willing to wait? No one knows your R better than you. YOU have to decide whether this R is making you happy and whether it's worth hanging in for another year. I haven't read your story but keep in mind that actions speak louder than words. What he does is more important than what he says. I asked a question, which is what I was curious about with others. I know what others do and do not do has no impact on my life, but I was curious how long others have waited.
OWoman Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 How long have you waited? How long will you wait? I didn't "wait" - once we decided we wanted to be together, we made it happen. That took a while for both of us, but we both had things we needed to do and we both got on and did them. In the end, he was left waiting for me, for 6 months, before I moved in with him. If you want to know time scales - from meeting to commencing the A: 15 months. From commencing the A to him leaving his xW - 3 years. From commencing the A to moving in together - 3.5 years. From commencing the A to getting M - 4 years.
fooled once Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I have been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years. I had planned to end it, but he kept promising me he would be leaving and like a do do bird, I kept believing him. It is a new year. I promised myself I will not be with him by the end of 2011 if he has not left, filed for divorce and worked towards being with me and only me. How long have you waited? How long will you wait? I am just tired of spending days and nights alone; holidays alone. I just want a normal relationship. I am so sorry you are hurting jessie's girl. I have nothing else to offer that others haven't already offered. I think it is foolish to continue to waste years on this guy - he doesn't seem to be planning to leave. Try to move forward with your life - meet someone else. I would hate to see you in this same position 3 more years from now. Some women are happy being the OW, but many aren't. You don't sound like you are one who enjoys being the secret affair. Best of luck to you!
miranda3379 Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 I'm not very far along in the relationship with my MM but I am only willing to wait six months. If after six months he hasnt' told his wife, moved out and started a life with me, I'm not sticking around. I have not told him that, nor will I. I will just up and leave. I love him but I dont' want to share him.
JsSweetPea Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 In the beginning I agreed to wait one year and I waited one year and two months. I stayed as long as the good outweighed the bad. I made sure that my needs were met and while there were some perimeters there were not more than I could handle. He was lucky I would agree to be in an EMR so he better show his appreciation. My A has been going on for 9 months and if everything goes according to plan we will have been in the A for 14 months when he leaves. I never asked him to leave or gave him any deadlines, but I did tell him if he leaves his wife in June & ends up going back to her, I'm GONE. It seems like sometimes MM leave & then start to feel guilty and go back. I don't want to deal with that. I agree with Got It about the good needing to outweigh the bad. When my A started, my MM & I both agreed that we wouldn't discuss leaving our spouses, which I did in October, until one of us felt that the sadness outweighed the happiness. When that happens something has to be done. Good luck.
TarnishedInequity Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 If you really want to know, end it. That is the only way. If he means what he says, when he realizes he has lost you, he will move mountains to get you back. Otherwise, at least you know. This is only true in some sense. Some MM/MW will come back because they miss the attention and affection and claim they are in the process of breaking up, etc. and they have not and only wish to string you along. When I left the guy I had been having an A with (he wasn't married), he tested me constantly to see if I was serious about being done with him. It took me walking past him on the street and not acknowledging his existence for it to click I was very serious. He ended up contacting me a day after my birthday apologizing, and after me allowing him to talk, broke up with his GF. So, it really depends on the will of the MM/MW... lots of luck. But, make sure you are READY for a real relationship with him. The guy and I have not begun a full R because of external and internal circumstances involving our lives and personal problems and insecurities we need to deal with.
Got it Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 A person should leave their marriage/relationship based on there merits of it. Not because of the OP. One should leave when they are done, not to play games, not to test the MP's fortitude, not to tip the hand. Walk the talk. Anything else is pointless.
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