pappy Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Hi guys, I'm a long time lurker, first time poster. First of all, a bit about myself. I'm gay and have dated the same guy for over 10 years. Other than my gay friends, nobody knows about my sexual preferences. It's a choice I've made and to everyone in my family and at work, I'm just another single heterosexual male. There's a female colleague at work who I hang with after work. I never told her about my boyfriend but I always figured she knew about it. We must've gone out 30 times and there was never any weird moment. Recently, she made a big career change so we no longer work together. I also broke up with my boyfriend so I called her on a Thursday afternoon to find out whether she'd go for drinks. She responded that it would be difficult for her to hang out with me since we no longer work together and her husband would think it's a date. WTF???? We got drunk together so many times and there was obviously nothing sexual between us. Why would it be a problem now? I'd like to solve this without too much drama and preferably without telling my friend I'm gay because it's really nobody's business. What would you do?
MalachiX Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 I don't know why you're so resistant to telling your friend the truth. I guess you can take the attitude that "it's nobody's business" but frankly that makes it almost sound like you're ashamed of who you are. I understand if you're private about your love-life and relationships but, to me at least, part of what makes someone a "friend" is that you are willing to let them into your little world and let them know about your life.
paddington bear Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 I could say, oh just tell her, however, since you have made it clear that you feel it is not her business and that your sexual preference isn't widely known outside of a certain circle, I would simply say "D'oh! Silly me, I wasn't thinking about your husband's reaction to this. It was just a friendly invitation seeing as we don't work together any more. Don't worry, I wasn't trying to get into your pants". Basically, you want to get across that you didn't and don't and never will want her sexually. Something like the above, playing the fool, will get that across without you having to reveal your sexuality.
murah989 Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Why are you so concerned about telling her your sexual preferences? Do you feel that she would mock you? Or start gossiping to former co-workers? If this is the case, then forget about her and move on. and you're right, It is no ones business to know your sexual preferences. However, I feel like under the circumstances, a little clarification would probably save a friendship. I feel like I'm not getting the entire story though. Have there been any instances of "Gay jokes" or mocking on her part?
Author pappy Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 You all raise good points. I'm in my thirties now and the older I get the more I become uncomfortable changing what has been everyone's reality forever: I'm straight, I just don't have a steady girlfriend. Am I afraid of being judged? Yes. Is it justified? I know it probably isn't but I'm terrified at the thought of confiding this to someone who has known me as Mr. Straight for many years. As for my friend, please note she is not avoiding me at all. She calls and emails and has been supportive of my breakup. If she thought all these years that I was straight and still hung out with me, and now that there is an apparent discomfort, i figure she must think I was flirting with her or maybe she was into me but I never saw it that way (for obvious reasons).
MalachiX Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 You all raise good points. I'm in my thirties now and the older I get the more I become uncomfortable changing what has been everyone's reality forever: I'm straight, I just don't have a steady girlfriend. Am I afraid of being judged? Yes. Is it justified? I know it probably isn't but I'm terrified at the thought of confiding this to someone who has known me as Mr. Straight for many years. I don't know what it's like to be in your position and to hide one's sexual preference but it sounds like leading this double identity is starting to take a toll on you. I remember reading that David Hyde Pierce went for years saying, "it's no one's business" until he eventually came to feel that being so secretive actually made him feel like he had something to feel ashamed of. I grew up in the South and I know how intolerate places can be of homosexuality but things ARE changing and, more importantly, if you never let anyone know who you really are, I think you're just hurting yourself. I mean, you are doing the kind of thing you are scared of. You've decided that only your gay friends can know the real you and you aren't willing to share with anyone who doesn't share your sexual orientation. That's your choice of course but I don't think it's really how you want to live your life. Most gay friends I've had who weren't "out" still had strait friends (such as myself) who knew they were gay and simply chose who they told on a person by person basis.
paddington bear Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 You all raise good points. I'm in my thirties now and the older I get the more I become uncomfortable changing what has been everyone's reality forever: I'm straight, I just don't have a steady girlfriend. Am I afraid of being judged? Yes. Is it justified? I know it probably isn't but I'm terrified at the thought of confiding this to someone who has known me as Mr. Straight for many years. As for my friend, please note she is not avoiding me at all. She calls and emails and has been supportive of my breakup. If she thought all these years that I was straight and still hung out with me, and now that there is an apparent discomfort, i figure she must think I was flirting with her or maybe she was into me but I never saw it that way (for obvious reasons). Yes but...you also said in your OP that you assumed she knew. One of my male gay friends made really good friends with this straight guy. He wasn't interested in him sexually, just really liked the guy in a best buddy kind of way. However, never said a word about being gay. The longer their friendship went on, the more he was freaking out about it. He didn't want to be judged either, but obviously the longer the friendship goes on, the more time you have 'lied' to the other person. In the end, he just said it (after months of fretting) and his friend was like "yeah I pretty much guessed that, you never talked about girls." All that worry for nothing... Just tell her (unless she has expressed opinions already in which you know she would be appalled...but I have a feeling that is not the case, or you wouldn't be friends). She is obviously a good friend and likes you. Everyone knows how hard it is to reveal something like that and so there is a minuscule chance that she would be annoyed that you didn't say something sooner. She might even feel complimented that you trusted her enough to share that with her.
tami-chan Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 When you guys were working together she was able to make that a reason for going out with you-'few drinks with a CO-WORKER". It's not uncommon. Now she can't justify why she would go out with a "SINGLE, STRAIGHT" guy to her husband. So, either come out and tell her your truth or leave her be. Make a stand.
oaks Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 What would you do? Since it's clearly not a date, invite him too.
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