Well I finally got the answers I was looking for and booted her out of my life.

January 3, 2011

Have you read No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Glover? If not, I think you should. While the book is a bit aloof in areas, there are other areas that are spot on. One of them is what he calls the "Victim Puke."

Basically, it's the guys who are compassionate to a fault, as you admitted to, who give and give and give. Yet, the whole time this resentment is building inside of you and now it is bursting forth. Which is usually at the worst time or during/after a breakup.

Hell, I should know. I've done it. I'm way more aware of my past actions with my recent ex. For a while, I hated her and what she supposedly did to me. The truth is, she just acted how she normally acted. I had just built up this completely alternate reality and when that didn't pan out, I flipped my lid. The resentment came out. Granted, what she did was wrong but the response was disproportional. It's like shooting someone who lightly brushed against you in a crowd.

Once I realized I was no longer this sole victim of this evil temptress, I accepted things much quicker. I accepted my faults and my role. Yes, what she did was wrong, but I've accepted that as well. She acted in her best interest, which wasn't my interest, and we are no longer together. No one is more at fault than the other. Strangely enough, as soon as this light bulb moment came, the pining away also ceased. I still think about her from time to time, but I think of the good times. I no longer get all worked in a rage thinking, "How could she do this to me! I gave her everything! I supported her!"

You disagree with me, because it feels better to play the "Whoa is me" role. You knew exactly what was going to happen in Vegas. You didn't have to go. It wasn't a life or death situation. Then after Vegas, you knew how she acted. You still chose to stay in her life. You chose to get her something for Christmas. You gave and gave. Then when her response, or lack of, didn't meet your standards. Out comes the resentment. No one, at any time, has held a gun to your head and forced you to keep this girl in your life.

I realized a long time ago that I was not the sole victim of this woman either. She has been doing this for years. She has literally jumped from relationship to relationship for almost 8 years.

I think I am coming down really hard on myself because I've let myself be so blind to what is going on, and I have bought into the words that she has been telling me.. so willingly and easily.

January 3, 2011

Not to completely hijack Durka's thread but WT, how would you react to seeing her or hearing from her today? I know you're not enraged, but could you be friends with her?

Not to hijack his response, but considering the lack of respect it seems she treated him with, why would any guy suffer the indignity of wanting to be 'friends' with someone who has the capacity to treat him so badly?

January 3, 2011

Not to hijack his response, but considering the lack of respect it seems she treated him with, why would any guy suffer the indignity of wanting to be 'friends' with someone who has the capacity to treat him so badly?

Because sometimes with enough time and introspection, you forgive the hurts, see how you did things to yourself, you stop vilifying the other person and you let it go.

January 3, 2011

Because sometimes with enough time and introspection, you forgive the hurts, see how you did things to yourself, you stop vilifying the other person and you let it go.

Forgiveness has nothing to do with knowing that the person has the capacity to treat you extremely poorly.

It's like standing in front of a tank and knowing that they *could* decide to pull that trigger.

January 3, 2011

Forgiveness has nothing to do with knowing that the person has the capacity to treat you extremely poorly.

It's like standing in front of a tank and knowing that they *could* decide to pull that trigger.

Situations vary and call for different actions. I agree some people **are** too toxic to have in your life (i.e. they WOULD pull that trigger). Other times, you realize that at one point you THOUGHT the person was evil incarnate, only later to see they aren't the monster you made them out to be. I'm curious if WT came to that conclusion.

For the record, Durkadurka, while I agree with WT about some things you did wrong, I think your ex also has an opportunistic streak a mile long. But you knew that, didn't you?

January 3, 2011

Situations vary and call for different actions. I agree some people **are** too toxic to have in your life (i.e. they WOULD pull that trigger). Other times, you realize that at one point you THOUGHT the person was evil incarnate, only later to see they aren't the monster you made them out to be. I'm curious if WT came to that conclusion.

For the record, Durkadurka, while I agree with WT about some things you did wrong, I think your ex also has an opportunistic streak a mile long. But you knew that, didn't you?

Yes I did. I thought that 2.5 years of being together earned me a little bit of loyalty.

Between that and the pipedream she was whispering into my ear, I was all to eager to indulge her.

January 6, 2011

Feeling particularly bitter today.

January 6, 2011

I'm shaking with rage.

January 6, 2011

Not to completely hijack Durka's thread but WT, how would you react to seeing her or hearing from her today? I know you're not enraged, but could you be friends with her?

Considering it's only been a few months, I'd suspect her life is starting to suck again so she needs a temporary shoulder to lean on. Even a leech has to detach sometime so the host can regenerate their blood supply. I have no interest in getting burned a 3rd time. She'd have to talk to me one on one, like adults, and we'd both have to admit our faults. We'd both have to be able to accept the past for what it was, and leave everything in the past. But truth be told, even if I got back just as friends (which would fail due to my feelings for her). I'd always be waiting for her to run away with no warning again. Is that the way to be in any relationship? Hell no.

Granted, playing the self-serving victim role I made her into this evil human being. She was not some covert agent sent by the Soviets with the sole intention of destroying my life. She's just, in her eyes, a normal person. She's just not all in tune with how her general tendency to flake, or getting so wrapped up in an aspect of her life that she completely forgets about the people she's supposed to give a crap about, that it really hurts the other person. She didn't do it for malicious reasons either. She just doesn't know, or refuses to admit, how her actions really hurt people.

I accept that is her behavior style and I do not want people like that in my life.

Edited January 6, 2011 by WTRanger

January 6, 2011

Considering it's only been a few months, I'd suspect her life is starting to suck again so she needs a temporary shoulder to lean on. Even a leech has to detach sometime so the host can regenerate their blood supply. I have no interest in getting burned a 3rd time. She'd have to talk to me one on one, like adults, and we'd both have to admit our faults. We'd both have to be able to accept the past for what it was, and leave everything in the past. But truth be told, even if I got back just as friends (which would fail due to my feelings for her). I'd always be waiting for her to run away with no warning again. Is that the way to be in any relationship? Hell no.

Granted, playing the self-serving victim role I made her into this evil human being. She was not some covert agent sent by the Soviets with the sole intention of destroying my life. She's just, in her eyes, a normal person. She's just not all in tune with how her general tendency to flake, or getting so wrapped up in an aspect of her life that she completely forgets about the people she's supposed to give a crap about, that it really hurts the other person. She didn't do it for malicious reasons either. She just doesn't know, or refuses to admit, how her actions really hurt people.

I accept that is her behavior style and I do not want people like that in my life.

sound like the friend i fell for

she doesnt know what she does

and ive found out she sleeps around when she drunk

why cant she sleep with me again

she is bi polar we discover in october as i was helping her with all the hospitals and doctors

i wish i didnt get involved as now i hurt so much

when ever i open up and care for somone i get burnt

it take me yrs to get confidence back again and to learn to trust

i wish i had no morals and could go out bonking who ever

but i have no soacial life to meet anyone with work

and every one else married it sucks

January 6, 2011

I don't know if I should apologize for blowing up at her.

One thing is for sure, I'm not comfortable with being friends.

I just don't know if I want her as being someone who has any part of my life either.

I kind of wish I had kept the door open, but I only want it open in specific ways, I don't want to be used.

So many things to think about.

January 6, 2011

Well, durka, that's the issue we all face in situations like this. You don't want to shut the door, but you don't want to settle for less either. The best thing is to do what is best for you. At this point, she's not willing to be exclusively there for you. You are not comfortable with being friends, especially her definition of friends, so you've got to shut the door. You don't have to lock the door, and you can leave the curtains open, but the door itself is closed.

At this very stage in her life, she's going to continue to want to have cake and pie at the same time. She's not doing this as a malicious attack, but her actions border that of a scumbag. Make no mistake, she's not the best person to keep in your life. Think about all of the confusion and stress she's put you through in just the last 2 months. That's not going to end anytime soon. I know you don't want to see her struggle or feel that you didn't help but you've got to let her make her own mistakes. You can't keep doing this to yourself.

Personally, I don't think you need to apologize. You stood up for something. Show her that you aren't going to take her crap, and at the same time realize that she's not out to destroy you. She's just selfish. Some people are just selfish asswipes. Ultimately, it's up to you to decide to keep them or eject them from your life.

January 6, 2011

Well, durka, that's the issue we all face in situations like this. You don't want to shut the door, but you don't want to settle for less either. The best thing is to do what is best for you. At this point, she's not willing to be exclusively there for you. You are not comfortable with being friends, especially her definition of friends, so you've got to shut the door. You don't have to lock the door, and you can leave the curtains open, but the door itself is closed.

At this very stage in her life, she's going to continue to want to have cake and pie at the same time. She's not doing this as a malicious attack, but her actions border that of a scumbag. Make no mistake, she's not the best person to keep in your life. Think about all of the confusion and stress she's put you through in just the last 2 months. That's not going to end anytime soon. I know you don't want to see her struggle or feel that you didn't help but you've got to let her make her own mistakes. You can't keep doing this to yourself.

Personally, I don't think you need to apologize. You stood up for something. Show her that you aren't going to take her crap, and at the same time realize that she's not out to destroy you. She's just selfish. Some people are just selfish asswipes. Ultimately, it's up to you to decide to keep them or eject them from your life.

Thanks for your advice WT. I've highlighted a specific part for concern. I feel that she may think that I have locked the door.

I feel that there is a misunderstanding about the motivations for a lot of what I have done.

January 6, 2011

I don't know if I should apologize for blowing up at her.

Don't...do...it.

Imagine her taking your call while she's sitting on the sofa next to her boyfriend in the apartment THEY JUST SIGNED A LEASE FOR.

Talk about humiliating.

January 6, 2011

Don't...do...it.

Imagine her taking your call while she's sitting on the sofa next to her boyfriend in the apartment THEY JUST SIGNED A LEASE FOR.
Talk about humiliating.

It's not their place, it's her place. But you're right none the less.

January 6, 2011

The other thing is, I used to have a gambling problem when I was younger, and getting over that is similar to how I am getting over this.

One day I flipped a switch and just quit cold turkey, it's now been 3 years since I ever touched the cards.

When I'm determined I just do it.

January 7, 2011

Thanks for your advice WT. I've highlighted a specific part for concern. I feel that she may think that I have locked the door.

I feel that there is a misunderstanding about the motivations for a lot of what I have done.

When she comes to you to explain the motivations for the multitude of confusing things that she's done, then you can tell her your side. Until then, keep the door closed.

For what it's worth, it doesn't matter who has the lease. They are living together. Just like the courage it took to admit you had a gambling problem, you have to admit she's with this guy.

January 7, 2011

When she comes to you to explain the motivations for the multitude of confusing things that she's done, then you can tell her your side. Until then, keep the door closed.

For what it's worth, it doesn't matter who has the lease. They are living together. Just like the courage it took to admit you had a gambling problem, you have to admit she's with this guy.

I didn't live with her for almost a year and a half before we moved in together. They only met 4 months ago.

I don't necessarily think that your read is right that they are living together, though that might be a distinct possibility hence why I am separating myself from her.

Anyways, about a month and a half ago she gave me that phone call about the multitude of confusing things she did. She said it was because she still really liked me, and was really confused and upset and did a lot of rash things, made bad decisions and tried to hurt me so she could get over me.

I don't know if I could expect another similar phone call this time around.

January 7, 2011

This is what I've wrote over the last 2-3 days to try and pen the thoughts going through my head. I won't send it, but I needed to do it.

It’s been 5 days since I’ve told you off. I miss your texts, and I find I think about them often, because Vegas left a lasting impression and good memories. I just wanted to clear some things up, because after we talked last, I had a few regrets.

I was stunned by some of the stuff that was said, I feel that I've been misunderstood and I was very disappointed. In friendships and relationships, we’re taught to give and give, and then give a little bit more. I neglected this at times. I struggled with balancing depression, anxiety and my helplessness with the fact that I cared deeply for you in a way I never knew before meeting you. I felt like I was staring down the barrel of a shotgun.

When I think back about everything, it’s far easier to see the mistakes than I would like to admit. You never had to ask me to do anything. I was just doing what a good and caring friend would do. Each thing was also the right and kind thing to do. This is why I struggle with the idea of continuing a relationship.

In time, I had hoped you would understand that I suffered with you, and while you have moved on, my heart continues to mourn the fact that I was not able to rise to the occasion when it was necessary, that I wasn’t strong enough, and ultimately that I didn’t succeed. When you were sad, I was sad as well. When you cried because you were upset that you weren’t with your parents, I was torn inside because I felt that I was keeping you away from them. When one of my friends is sad, upset, or lonely, I will always be there for them. I tried my best to be there for you too. I did find some success too, with a birthday in Whistler, Easter egg hunts, setting up your health care, finding that earring that your mother gave you when you were on the verge of a panic attack, the going away party. There were other times that I wasn’t there for you too, and I regret that I ever put you in that position.

You might remember that I was actually a really awesome, caring and compassionate person, the same guy that can rock a faux diamond tiara and act like a goof at an Irish Pub while pretending he is gay (or pimp gay, right?). I am young and immature with a lot left to learn. I had hoped that I would be able to continue to learn with you in my life.

When it really boils down to it, I am the crazy fun and eccentric guy, who enjoys sipping wine on the back of boats and in chateaus, busting down a ski hill, eating good food, taking in a hockey game, playing video games and being silly while preferably in the company of good friends and a beautiful woman. I would also like to think that in my older (and maybe wiser) age, I’ve become a little more generous, caring and maybe a bit more adventurous.

This is a topic that has been beaten to death by me. I want to leave it behind. I’m not okay with being the fellow you call every few months when you want to do something crazy and special. I wish that I could be your escape and be okay with that, but I’m not and I won’t settle. Vegas, like everything else I’ve tried to do in the last 11 months, was amazing because it was quintessentially me, because I poured my heart into it. It was a reflection of who I am, and what I want, and something that I am passionate about. I hope you continue to fondly remember Vegas as I do. But it is not something that I am sure that I can do again, and I’m not going to pretend that I am comfortable when I am not.

Good luck.

Edited January 7, 2011 by durkadurka

January 7, 2011

I need to stay at that school. If her situation at home didn't work out, she was going to leave, and I would have been stranded, jobless and in debt.

The girl can't remain single for more than 6 minutes and that is disgusting.

Man oh Man. Are you me?

Girls who can't stay single are needy losers - they are the ones I precisely stay away from. I will only date a girl now who has been single and happy alone for a while. I think people don't see that - get married then they're wife leaves for someone else. These people always look for happiness outside.

My girl hooked up with someone 3 days after our almost 6 year relationship - I was floored!

Now - she's still with the same guy and they are inces away from the street - they are on welfare < HA HA - the loser kind - the scum that use the system. Her new man is an alcoholic and weed head - and she hates those things.

Really cut her off. I kept n/c for 2 years - but recently checked her fb - It's hard but you don't need people like that in your life. She's a joke.

I hope you find great and attractive girl who shows you respect - daily!

January 7, 2011

Man oh Man. Are you me?

Girls who can't stay single are needy losers - they are the ones I precisely stay away from. I will only date a girl now who has been single and happy alone for a while. I think people don't see that - get married then they're wife leaves for someone else. These people always look for happiness outside.

My girl hooked up with someone 3 days after our almost 6 year relationship - I was floored!

Now - she's still with the same guy and they are inces away from the street - they are on welfare < HA HA - the loser kind - the scum that use the system. Her new man is an alcoholic and weed head - and she hates those things.

Really cut her off. I kept n/c for 2 years - but recently checked her fb - It's hard but you don't need people like that in your life. She's a joke.

I hope you find great and attractive girl who shows you respect - daily!

Well they will never be like that I don't think, but this is silly.

January 7, 2011

She will be calling you. Guaranteed.

January 7, 2011

She will be calling you. Guaranteed.

That's what everyone keeps on saying.

I ust don't know what to say if I decide to pick up that call.

January 8, 2011

She will be calling you. Guaranteed.

And.......... it happened.

I woke up to a text message this morning saying 'Are you sure you don't want to talk to me? I miss talking to you.'

January 9, 2011

Did you respond yet?

Plan to?

Maybe getting even more closure is a good idea by telling her everything you want to. Yes, she's with another guy. Yes, I don't think she's particularly quality material but this is about you and you haven't been able to move on or stick to NC. So, perhaps the next best thing is to say the things you want to and perhaps that will help close the door.

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Well I finally got the answers I was looking for and booted her out of my life.

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