Digs in Dirt Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 My ex and I were together for 3 yrs, then we were on/off for a few months. We recently made the decision to give it another try. We decided that we had more good than bad, and would go to couples counselling to work out our issues. Our #1 issue is trust. We both have a lot of baggage in the trust department and we do not trust one another. Yesterday while using his phone, I saw some texts from a woman. One text simply said "Hi", and one said "Happy New Year <3". I asked him about it and he said she's just a friend. I have friends of the opposite sex, but they do not text me, and they do not text with hearts. He said that she puts hearts on a lot of her texts, that it's just a girly thing. We are not kids - we're both 40. The heart thing being just a girly thing doesn't fly with me. I will be honest, I am not sure that I want to try to work things out anymore. I told him last night that I have to think about it. He's coming today to get his things. I want to be able to tell him yes or no. I am having a hard time deciding whether I am just having trust issues and over-reacting to a friendship, or if I am on to something. I've been cheated on before, I know that a man will lie to the bitter end about having someone else. Even if he's not involved with this person, I feel that the texting is inappropriate. Especially given that our issue is trust. That said, I do not want to let my trust issues cloud my thinking. If I am over-reacting, I want to know that. The other night I asked him if he'd ever cheat again (we met while we were each married to someone else, yes, I know, that doesn't help, and it's horrible, but I can't change what happened) and he said that nobody knows the future. He said that I couldn't guarantee that I would never cheat on him, and I said actually the affair taught me a lot, made me grow, and change, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would never cheat again. He held strong to his belief that everyone says that they will never do something again, but they do, and that nobody knows what will happen. I wonder if he's one of those "once a cheater always a cheater" types (I do not believe that to be true for everyone. I do believe that people make mistakes, and some people do change). I wonder if we will ever be able to overcome our trust issues. Any thoughts?
LifeIsGreat Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Trust issues are HUGE!! In his defense, he may be a very pragmatic type person. He should have said 'NO' he would never cheat on you. But can you guarantee on the life of a loved one that you could never cheat again either? You see what I mean? In fact, you probably told your ex you would never cheat. Did you? Yes. (no judgement, I have been there). So I suggest you not hold his stupid comment against him for now. But I also understand your concern about the texts. It's probably nothing, but since it makes you so uncomfortable I think he should be willing to put an end to it. You already agreed to therapy. If every thing else is OK in the r/l, maybe you guys can work this out. Both of you are going to eventually deal with your personal trust issues anyway, right? Maybe you can work on it together. I wouldn't do anything rash at this point. Go to therapy, and see what happens. Hope it helps.
Author Digs in Dirt Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 Thank you LifeIsGreat. The rest of the relationship is very good in many ways. Perfect, no, but I have been in enough relationships to know better than to expect any different. Trust *is* huge, and I fear it could be big enough to destroy us. We talked some more this afternoon and he has admitted to lying to me about friendships with women, out of fear that I would "freak out". I, on the other hand, have avoided friendships with men, knowing that it would hurt him. We both have an easier time relating to the opposite sex, and have both had more friends of the opposite sex than of the same sex, so you'd think that we would understand, but we don't. I am angry that I have avoided friendships to spare his feelings, while he has enjoyed friendships and lied to me about them. You're right that I will have to deal with trust issues with or without him, so I may as well go to therapy. Right now we're in such a bad place .... emotions running very high .... who knows if we'll make it there. Hopefully they can fit us in quikly :o/ BTW - love the quote at the end of your post!
LifeIsGreat Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 This is going to be a very touchy time for you guys. Some type of NC should be considered before you guys get into a big fight and really f things up. Trust me on this one. You can do NC in a very civil, loving, caring way. I can't remember if you guys live together or what. But you both need some space right now without that space being a 'threat' of breaking up. Yes, get to a couples therapist, and good luck to both of you!! I wish I had a GF that was so open minded
CopingGal Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 I do think that it's good that he did not say "No, I will never cheat on you." My mom once told me never to say never because who knows what the future would bring. He could have taken the easy way out and just told you what you wanted to hear, but he did not. It's hard when you start a relationship by cheating, but it's not impossible to maintain, I believe. I have tons of trust issues in my relationship and we are going to couple's counseling. Still, I wonder, will I ever be able to trust him, but I think couple's counseling is a good start. As I said in another post, it was couple's counseling was great, but we had to stop going so we only had a few sessions. I can't wait to go back. We are going back this month.
Author Digs in Dirt Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 Thanks guys. We talked, fought, and talked some more, tonight. It's not going to be an easy road, but we're both willing to try counselling. At the very least, if things don't work out, we'll know that we gave it everything we had. When we broke up last time, we each questioned whether or not we did the right thing, and if we went our seperate ways right now, we'd still wonder. The cycle of breaking up and getting back together isn't healthy, and not something we want to keep repeating.
Author Digs in Dirt Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 He ended it tonight. He can't do this anymore. This isn't going to be a part of the break-up/make-up cycle. It was different this time. He is really done. Normally this is where I would refuse to accept it, and I would text him, call him etc. Not this time. This time I have to let him go. I told him that I would not be talking to him, texting him, emailing him, etc. anymore. That upset him a lot. I explained that I had to do that for myself. I deserve to move on, and I can't if we maintain contact. So I guess I can move onto another forum. I am devastated, and really can't even imagine that I will ever love again. I will never find another man like him, of that I am certain. Right now I feel like someone kicked me in the stomach. I just don't know how I will get over this. I just know that I have to. Be careful what you wish for. I wished many times to get my ex back, and I did. All that came of that was a delayed heartbreak. Had I never gotten him back, I would be in a much better place right now. Sometimes a second chance is the last thing you need.
Livelovelearn Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Digs_in_Dirt, I know what you mean about the second chance part. My ex and I broke up last year around april, we were on and off then finally we got back together officially in September. There were major trust issues mainly on my part because of how fast he managed to sleep with someone after he left me for reasons i still never really understood. I was so happy when he came back, but we never solved our previous problems, so what happened was months later it came back up and he wasnt happy neither was I. On top of that he broke up with me and thats when i found he had already been seeing someone. I realized that if i didnt get back with him when he asked me back, i would have never suffered from this betrayal that he did. I wasnt as bad the first time we broke up. I know the kick in the stomach feeling, its just emptyness and i said the same thing as well i would never meet a man like him, i probably wont because everyone is different, but who knows maybe one day you will find someone wayyy better. Just be positive, keep busy and look towards the future ..not the past. I cried so much everyday since the 2nd time we broke up. It has been almost 8 or 9 months and i do feel better now. Of course you will miss that person, but thats life, atleast you know that you are capable of truly loving someone which is wonderful!!! I know its hard right now but please try to stay postive and remember that everything happens for a reason, plus you never know what the future may bring.
cerridwen Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 (edited) He ended it tonight. He can't do this anymore. This isn't going to be a part of the break-up/make-up cycle. It was different this time. He is really done. I will never find another man like him, of that I am certain. Right now I feel like someone kicked me in the stomach. I just don't know how I will get over this. I just know that I have to. Digs, sorry you're in a hard place right now. I started to respond to your original post then saw this update. I was going to say "leave." We LS readers have the benefit of insight because we're removed from the situation. It's true we're not privy to positive aspects of the relationship but that's not important when the negatives are so serious. There are HUGE negatives here. Those text messages in his phone? Not innocent. At first, I thought "maybe" then you added that you were in your late 30's and there's a little heart included in the text, I choked. The fact that he cheated in the past? Not good at all. You know he lied constantly to her. It comes easy to him. Lying to you is just a continuation. That you're second-guessing your intuition and judgment? Not good at all because Digs in Dirt, you're not wrong, you just HOPED you were wrong hun. My relationship also ended because of trust issues. We met in a deceitful way (no, neither of us was married). I didn't trust him after he was inappropriate with somebody. During the relationship, I constantly asked myself if I was being unreasonable. In the end, all my suspicions were justified. During our time together (3 years) he never stopped flirting with other girls and in the end, was sexual online with someone. It hasn't made me bitter. It's actually taught me that I CAN trust my instincts. Edited January 5, 2011 by cerridwen
Author Digs in Dirt Posted January 7, 2011 Author Posted January 7, 2011 Thanks guys. I'm feeling a LOT better. I have the typical break-up moments of boohooo, I will NEVER find someone like him again, he was the love of my life, it was different, blah blah blah. And then I have these great moments of clarity when I realize that it's true I will never find someone like him again, and that's OK. I have had several significant relationships, and every guy has been different. The interesting thing is that each of them has been a better match for me than the last. So I have switched my thinking from my ex being someone presently in my life, to someone who was previously in my life. I have filed him away with all of the other exes, just another part of my story. Today I am more concerned with myself than I am with the breakup - what can I take away from this experience to improve myself and my next relationship? What do I want for myself? This is a great opportunity for me to make the life that I want. Some day maybe some great guy will enter it, and I will have very high standards for that man, but that's the least of my worries right now. I want to take care of ME. Time to be selfish! Hear me roar!!! I am not so naive to think that this is it, the healing is done. I know that I will have my moments of despair, anger, etc. But for today, I feel good, and I am going to take this one day at a time.
aerogurl87 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 I have trust issues with my ex but if he told me he gave me a vague answer to would he cheat again, there wouldn't be a second chance for us. Cheating is a decision, not a coincidence. If he can't make a conscious decision to stay faithful then you two have a major problem.
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