TigerCub Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I was in an affair with AW. I worked with her. My wife found out in May 2010. Initially my first instinct, fix my marriage, go back to your wife. "its the right thing to do" is what I told the OW. Trouble was I thought I was in love...addicted...whatever you choose to call it. Was on Vacation when my wife found out, came back and went back to work and right back into the affair, not as heavy as prior, but not that it really matters. The OW was in the midst of divorce, wanted me to leave my wife. Said "you don't love her, you love me", which was true when I was with her. I didn't have the feelings for my wife that I had for the OW. I questioned everything about my marriage, my love, my feelings for my wife. I had multiple relapses since May. The OW would try and move on, I had sabotaged her from getting back with her husband. I drew the OW back to me when her husband had come back home to try and work things out. I was so desperate to not be without her in my life, yet I couldn't handle the idea of leaving my wife for her. I wanted my cake and eat it too, as they say. Since she split with her husband, she has been with at least 3 other men, including the relationship she is in currently. That is where my problem lies. All the while that she was trying to move on, we couldn’t stay away from each other. I would go home to my wife, she was not the OW in so many ways. Additionally, The OW would see other men, none having the connection she did with me, and thus the cycle continued, for both of us. The OW was tired of me not being there for her, but would constantly seek me out, or I seek her out. This wasn’t hard considering we worked with each other. I have not been able to be NC bc of my work, until recently. I have suffered many losses because of the affair. I have lost respect of collegues, I have left my job that I loved to put distance between her and I. I have lost trust of my wife. I have lost my love that I had for my wife. My trouble that I have right now, is that I know part of me wants this, wants the right thing. There is also a destructive part that wants to pursue this feeling, relieve this pain and hurt that I feel from being apart from the OW. There is a large part of me that wants the OW back. I do want that passion, but I want it for my wife. My trouble is that I have the passion for the OW and not with my wife and I don't know how to regain that. I want this to work with my wife...At least that is what I tell myself. I keep making all these rationalizations in my head about my marriage. "its the right thing" "She cannot raise your children the way your wife can" "she will never be able to handle the friendship you and your wife have" "She is selfish and has no remorse what your family will go through.". I say these things to myself, I tell myself that "it will get better", that "I will not hurt" and that "I will get over the OW dating and meeting new men that will inevitably make her happier than you did because you were never a full time BF or husband. You were a lover....simple as that." Then why does it hurt so much? Why do I have to fight so hard from trying to contact her. I understand you telling yourself certain things to get over the OW. But that part in bold is just so misconstrued. Hon, it's not her that had no remorse for what your family is going through, it was YOU. If you cared so much about your family to begin with, you wouldn't have taken part in the A in the first place. Tell yourself whatever you want, but if you really keep repeating that one to yourself, you're taking away your own accountability for what you have done. As for the passion with your wife, I can understand why you don't feel any. She's not even showing anger at what you did. She's being a doormat and actually tells you that she's afraid of losing you, whereas, the OW showed you that she'll move on and find others if you can't give her what she wants, to you, that shows strength, that shows that she (the OW) thinks highly of herself, whereas your W is acting like she thinks nothing of herself and is willing to be treated badly - she actually ASKED you if its ok to block the OW's #!!!! (that shows no self respect at all) (sorry if that sounds rude), but if she valued herself, she wouldn't be ASKING if its ok to block her #. She would be TELLING you that the # is going to be blocked, and there will be no more contact with the OW if you guys are to work things out. Passion isn't just between the sheets, it comes from the mentality of "I'll push back, I'll throw down, I'll stand up for myself and what I believe", its a spark and your W isn't showing it right now, certainly not by the way she's dealing with things. But as others said (maybe when she hits the angry phase, you'll see some passion). I hope that things work out for you, but I also hope that you want them to work out for the right reasons. Good luck.
kuma Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Thanks for the input. I am afraid to separate at this point. I know I will end up with the OW. I have been NC now for a week. Its hard. I still had some msgs from her on FB. Hadn't blocked her there yet, noted that she had changed her profile Pic to one with her new BF and her at work. I realize that this is done for two things...one to spark me to respond to her. As well as show me she is trying to move on...I responded by blocking her, calling my wife, talking to her, and remaining NC. I am committed to my marriage...I agree that I am in a fog. Can't see anything and I need to hold on to my wife. She may not be drama...or passion in that sense...but 50yrs from now, I really think that I want to be looking at her sitting across from me on the couch. My gut tells me that OW and I wouldn't make it. Shes been divorced 3x....pattern???? I don't want that. She's been divorced 3 times... That's a big red flag. What was the reason she got divorced 3 times?
Author AdamLevy48131 Posted January 7, 2011 Author Posted January 7, 2011 @ tigercub. I agree my wife has been doormat. I have told her this. We have had talks, basically, neither of us wants to end this. We have a lot of issues that we are working on both separately and together. I have assured her that I am not leaving. I have been open and honest about everything. Both emotional, sexual, everything. I have a ton of baggage. She does as well. We have agreed that the only way for us to survive is to lay all our cards out there. If it works, that will be the best. If not, we tried as hard as we could to prevent it. I am and have never been the type of man that women are attracted to. I have spent my life being fat. Still am now, just not as bad. My wife was fat when I met her. When we married , she was a size 20-22. She is now a size 10. That you would think would make things better, but it complicated things. I never thought the woman who could have any man in her life would want me. That was a huge deal. I had not been faced with that sort of temptation. I failed miserably the first time. Because my interaction with women was limited to 3 long term relationships...I fell in love, probably bc I dont know that it happens any other way. I always felt that my wife married me bc she liked me, was getting older, wanted a family and I seemed to fit the bill at that time. I liked her and told myself that I wouldn't allow her physical features take away from what she is as a person. I loved spending time with her. I still do. I can be myself. Temper tantrums, affectionate, goofy, drunk, sober, sexual, angry, mad, happy and sad. This is what keeps me with her. The OW was not like this. She did hold me accountable, but to an extreme. Trouble was that she was never accountable. Her last marriage fell apart bc of her relationship with me. She had not been faithful in any relationship. I knew this and I still wanted to be with her...its like some form of self loathing. Her ex met someone and he cheated on her....when she was in FL with me on a trip. I was sleeping with her, taking her places, wining and dining. He was home doing the same. When it comes down to it, she has never admitted that ever happened while we were in Fl to her ex. He came clean. She lives in denial. I can't live like that. I know that. That issue is separate from My W and I. I am dealing with that on my own as much as I can. Its difficult. My feelings tend to cloud the picture. But what I really worry about now is how much damage I have caused in my marriage. I want to get this right, or at least go down guns blazing. I am worried...who wouldn't be. I don't want to waste any more of her time or mine, but something deep inside me has said from the beginning that this isnt over. I have been manipulative to an extreme. She knows this and I know this. I have told her that she needs to stand up to me and for herself. I hope that with that....my W and I will be better in all this. @kuma The OW has been married 2x, sorry I misspoke. She has 3 kids by 3 different men. First was her by her first husband. Abusive relationship. Both cheated on each other. She was preg at 14. Second was with a long term relationship and they were engaged before she cheated on him and married her most recent ex. During that marriage she had told me they engaged in threesomes frequently. Looking back I think that was a way her ex was able to keep her in the relationship without her cheating. It didn't work. To complicate things more. Her 3rd child was "planned" with a guy that her ex and her were enganging in 3-somes with. Her ex was fixed and she wanted another child. I have a Masters degree....clearly this does not make me smart or intelligent.
TigerCub Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 @ tigercub. I agree my wife has been doormat. I have told her this. We have had talks, basically, neither of us wants to end this. We have a lot of issues that we are working on both separately and together. I have assured her that I am not leaving. I have been open and honest about everything. Both emotional, sexual, everything. I have a ton of baggage. She does as well. We have agreed that the only way for us to survive is to lay all our cards out there. I think that you're off to a good start in fixing things in your M. If you both address your separate and combined baggage and work through it, and put everything out on the table. I personally think that's a very strong first step. If it works, that will be the best. If not, we tried as hard as we could to prevent it. I am and have never been the type of man that women are attracted to. I have spent my life being fat. Still am now, just not as bad. My wife was fat when I met her. When we married , she was a size 20-22. She is now a size 10. That you would think would make things better, but it complicated things. I never thought the woman who could have any man in her life would want me. That was a huge deal. I had not been faced with that sort of temptation. I failed miserably the first time. Because my interaction with women was limited to 3 long term relationships...I fell in love, probably bc I dont know that it happens any other way. I always felt that my wife married me bc she liked me, was getting older, wanted a family and I seemed to fit the bill at that time. I liked her and told myself that I wouldn't allow her physical features take away from what she is as a person. I loved spending time with her. I still do. I can be myself. Temper tantrums, affectionate, goofy, drunk, sober, sexual, angry, mad, happy and sad. This is what keeps me with her. The OW was not like this. She did hold me accountable, but to an extreme. Trouble was that she was never accountable. Her last marriage fell apart bc of her relationship with me. She had not been faithful in any relationship. I knew this and I still wanted to be with her...its like some form of self loathing. Her ex met someone and he cheated on her....when she was in FL with me on a trip. I was sleeping with her, taking her places, wining and dining. He was home doing the same. When it comes down to it, she has never admitted that ever happened while we were in Fl to her ex. He came clean. She lives in denial. I can't live like that. I know that. That issue is separate from My W and I. Its good that you have all these good feelings about your wife and how you feel you can be yourself with her. That's good. The part in bold, is true and I'm glad that you see it that way too. The OW and all her drama and failed Rs is her problem, not yours to worry about. I understand (from what you wrote) that your wife's weight loss made you feel insecure about why she would want to be with you when she could attract a lot more people now, and also because you had long term Rs before, and never really played the field, you slipped the first time the opportunity came up - but at least you acknowledge these things and you're working on your issues (I'm assuming self esteem is one of them). I am dealing with that on my own as much as I can. Its difficult. My feelings tend to cloud the picture. I can certainly relate to that. It'll pass (in time), just focus on what's important to you. If you feel the pain and feel the hurt, that's ok. Just keep your eyes on the prize But what I really worry about now is how much damage I have caused in my marriage. I want to get this right, or at least go down guns blazing. I am worried...who wouldn't be. I don't want to waste any more of her time or mine, but something deep inside me has said from the beginning that this isnt over. I have been manipulative to an extreme. She knows this and I know this. I have told her that she needs to stand up to me and for herself. I hope that with that....my W and I will be better in all this. You sound very genuine and it seems like you and your W really want to try to fix things. I think that's very promising, and I hope it all works out. Good luck
kuma Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 @kuma The OW has been married 2x, sorry I misspoke. She has 3 kids by 3 different men. First was her by her first husband. Abusive relationship. Both cheated on each other. She was preg at 14. Second was with a long term relationship and they were engaged before she cheated on him and married her most recent ex. During that marriage she had told me they engaged in threesomes frequently. Looking back I think that was a way her ex was able to keep her in the relationship without her cheating. It didn't work. To complicate things more. Her 3rd child was "planned" with a guy that her ex and her were enganging in 3-somes with. Her ex was fixed and she wanted another child. I have a Masters degree....clearly this does not make me smart or intelligent. You felt alive and your OW made you feel good. But let's be realistic. There's no way you can have a healthy relationship if you don't trust her. I don't blame you for not trusting her. Until she fixes herself, she'll just keep cheating. Trust your gut.
hanging on for now Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 I was in an affair with AW. I worked with her. My wife found out in May 2010. Initially my first instinct, fix my marriage, go back to your wife. "its the right thing to do" is what I told the OW. Trouble was I thought I was in love...addicted...whatever you choose to call it. Was on Vacation when my wife found out, came back and went back to work and right back into the affair, not as heavy as prior, but not that it really matters. The OW was in the midst of divorce, wanted me to leave my wife. Said "you don't love her, you love me", which was true when I was with her. I didn't have the feelings for my wife that I had for the OW. I questioned everything about my marriage, my love, my feelings for my wife. I had multiple relapses since May. The OW would try and move on, I had sabotaged her from getting back with her husband. I drew the OW back to me when her husband had come back home to try and work things out. I was so desperate to not be without her in my life, yet I couldn't handle the idea of leaving my wife for her. I wanted my cake and eat it too, as they say. Since she split with her husband, she has been with at least 3 other men, including the relationship she is in currently. That is where my problem lies. All the while that she was trying to move on, we couldn’t stay away from each other. I would go home to my wife, she was not the OW in so many ways. Additionally, The OW would see other men, none having the connection she did with me, and thus the cycle continued, for both of us. The OW was tired of me not being there for her, but would constantly seek me out, or I seek her out. This wasn’t hard considering we worked with each other. I have not been able to be NC bc of my work, until recently. I have suffered many losses because of the affair. I have lost respect of collegues, I have left my job that I loved to put distance between her and I. I have lost trust of my wife. I have lost my love that I had for my wife. My trouble that I have right now, is that I know part of me wants this, wants the right thing. There is also a destructive part that wants to pursue this feeling, relieve this pain and hurt that I feel from being apart from the OW. There is a large part of me that wants the OW back. I do want that passion, but I want it for my wife. My trouble is that I have the passion for the OW and not with my wife and I don't know how to regain that. I want this to work with my wife...At least that is what I tell myself. I keep making all these rationalizations in my head about my marriage. "its the right thing" "She cannot raise your children the way your wife can" "she will never be able to handle the friendship you and your wife have" "She is selfish and has no remorse what your family will go through.". I say these things to myself, I tell myself that "it will get better", that "I will not hurt" and that "I will get over the OW dating and meeting new men that will inevitably make her happier than you did because you were never a full time BF or husband. You were a lover....simple as that." Then why does it hurt so much? Why do I have to fight so hard from trying to contact her. I have blocked her phone # on my cell. I have deleted FB personas (that were developed to try keep contact), I have taken a new job, even looked at leaving the state and leaving the rest of my family. It Seems I am my own worst enemy in this. My wife has been the definition of unconditional love in this. Ever present and patient. I don't deserve her in any way. I often worry that i will keep her with me because I make her happy....IDK how but she says I do. That I owe her my unhappiness as payment or retribution for what i have done. [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] My wife is patient to a fault. I try and get her to argue with me, have passion, hold me accountable. She said she is afraid BC she doesn’t want to push me away. I want her to be angry and tell me she is hurt about something so I can have this drive in me to make it better. That drive that existed to make things better with the OW that I had. I want that for my wife. I want to have passion in my marriage. I keep forcing things, nothing seems natural. I am so depressed and still so drawn to the OW, but I know that that road is not one I will survive in the long run. Can anyone help me? I just feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, I am not wanting nor am I ready for my marriage to end, but I can’t seem to feel what I need to make it work. Reality check? The only person you have any chance with is your wife. The girlfriend cheated on her husband with you. Do you really trust her not to do it to you? The only way you will ever get this to work is with a lot of counselling and understanding by your wife. Plus and here's the thing you are'nt going to like, cease any and all contact with the other women. I know you are trying but you have to do it. Consider yourself an alcholic and her a glass of wine. You just can't, no matter how tasty she is, what you feel, you can't. Be honest with your wife about your feelings for the other women but at the same time tell her you want to save your marriage. Honesty is the only way she ever will trust you. It will hurt her to hear that you loved another, I know first hand as I have been in her shoes. But without knowledge, suspecion will always be there. Transparent as you can be bud. I know it's a bit humiliating but you are in marriage prison for a while. And like prison, privacy is secondary. You lost that trust. Don't resent her for wanting proof now. If you truly want your marriage to succeed, you should gladly provide it.
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