AdamLevy48131 Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 I was in an affair with AW. I worked with her. My wife found out in May 2010. Initially my first instinct, fix my marriage, go back to your wife. "its the right thing to do" is what I told the OW. Trouble was I thought I was in love...addicted...whatever you choose to call it. Was on Vacation when my wife found out, came back and went back to work and right back into the affair, not as heavy as prior, but not that it really matters. The OW was in the midst of divorce, wanted me to leave my wife. Said "you don't love her, you love me", which was true when I was with her. I didn't have the feelings for my wife that I had for the OW. I questioned everything about my marriage, my love, my feelings for my wife. I had multiple relapses since May. The OW would try and move on, I had sabotaged her from getting back with her husband. I drew the OW back to me when her husband had come back home to try and work things out. I was so desperate to not be without her in my life, yet I couldn't handle the idea of leaving my wife for her. I wanted my cake and eat it too, as they say. Since she split with her husband, she has been with at least 3 other men, including the relationship she is in currently. That is where my problem lies. All the while that she was trying to move on, we couldn’t stay away from each other. I would go home to my wife, she was not the OW in so many ways. Additionally, The OW would see other men, none having the connection she did with me, and thus the cycle continued, for both of us. The OW was tired of me not being there for her, but would constantly seek me out, or I seek her out. This wasn’t hard considering we worked with each other. I have not been able to be NC bc of my work, until recently. I have suffered many losses because of the affair. I have lost respect of collegues, I have left my job that I loved to put distance between her and I. I have lost trust of my wife. I have lost my love that I had for my wife. My trouble that I have right now, is that I know part of me wants this, wants the right thing. There is also a destructive part that wants to pursue this feeling, relieve this pain and hurt that I feel from being apart from the OW. There is a large part of me that wants the OW back. I do want that passion, but I want it for my wife. My trouble is that I have the passion for the OW and not with my wife and I don't know how to regain that. I want this to work with my wife...At least that is what I tell myself. I keep making all these rationalizations in my head about my marriage. "its the right thing" "She cannot raise your children the way your wife can" "she will never be able to handle the friendship you and your wife have" "She is selfish and has no remorse what your family will go through.". I say these things to myself, I tell myself that "it will get better", that "I will not hurt" and that "I will get over the OW dating and meeting new men that will inevitably make her happier than you did because you were never a full time BF or husband. You were a lover....simple as that." Then why does it hurt so much? Why do I have to fight so hard from trying to contact her. I have blocked her phone # on my cell. I have deleted FB personas (that were developed to try keep contact), I have taken a new job, even looked at leaving the state and leaving the rest of my family. It Seems I am my own worst enemy in this. My wife has been the definition of unconditional love in this. Ever present and patient. I don't deserve her in any way. I often worry that i will keep her with me because I make her happy....IDK how but she says I do. That I owe her my unhappiness as payment or retribution for what i have done. [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] My wife is patient to a fault. I try and get her to argue with me, have passion, hold me accountable. She said she is afraid BC she doesn’t want to push me away. I want her to be angry and tell me she is hurt about something so I can have this drive in me to make it better. That drive that existed to make things better with the OW that I had. I want that for my wife. I want to have passion in my marriage. I keep forcing things, nothing seems natural. I am so depressed and still so drawn to the OW, but I know that that road is not one I will survive in the long run. Can anyone help me? I just feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, I am not wanting nor am I ready for my marriage to end, but I can’t seem to feel what I need to make it work.
Heather1 Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 My heart goes out to you, I know what you're going through. I'm giving up my own happiness because the rest of my family is happy. My h doesn't want a d, & besides my lack of attraction for him, everything's great. At times I got it back by going on nice trips, etc.. Sometimes cutting the OM out made me think I'd never have/enjoy sex again. I brought up separating a few times, as a way to miss my h & get that feeling for him back, & he's more affectionate than ever & around me all the time. I'm just telling you this because I'm going through the same . It's from our actions, so we need to figure it out huh? It's not lack of love, I do love my h & we're compatible every other way. Hopefully someone who's gotten through this will post 1
sugarmomma Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Welcome Adam to LS. From what I hear I think you are struggling to reconnect with your W because you haven't completely gone through the grieving process with the OW. All those stages are necessary before you can fully accept that its really over and time to move forward. However, once you get to that point you also have to discover new ways to reconnect with your wife which may be challenging. You may find that once you're over OW you still have no real desire to connect with the W. That is still a possibility. At that point you still have to decide with or without the OW, can you have a real connection with your w. I know that is kinda scary but it may well be the reality. You could in the end end up with neither of them. I think it all depends on how true to yourself you can be. Good Luck
Bittersweetie Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 I agree that you should pursue individual counseling. It sounds like you are struggling with many issues, so many that it's too overwhelming to work on one, so none get addressed. IC will help with that. Also, you are still in the fog. It's a great step that you've deleted accounts, blocked numbers, even got a new job. However, still thinking about the OW and especially who she's with just continues the fog. I stopped thinking about my AP only when I realized that I was doing it as an escape from looking at my real life issues. Once I realized that, I was able to take steps to cut down the thinking, and now, over a year later, I rarely think about him. TBH, I'm surprised your wife is still with you after months of your flip-flopping. That's great that she's being patient and showing you unconditional love, but eventually she's not going to put up with your indecision any longer. Sorry if it sounds harsh, but doesn't she deserve more? 1
jj33 Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 It sounds like you are doing everything you can to put the affair behind you and reconnect with your marriage. What caused you to enter the affair? Have you addressed these issues? If I may play devil's advocate here, you seem to be rationalizing to yourself why staying married is the right thing to do. But is it really the right thing for YOU. Divorce doesnt mean the OW will raise your child, your wife will raise your child and you may have joint custody. You are no longer sleeping with the OW but you are not out of the affair. You have not decided once and for all that you do not want a future with her. You are still emotionally in limbo. As a F OW experiencing the same thing with an A that ended several years ago, its not fair to anyone involved. But most of all its not fair to you. If you left your W there is no guarantee that you and OW would live happily ever after. But you are guaranteed to be unhappy unless and until you can make a choice in your mind and accept that choice. Its difficult to turn off feelings and confusing when everyone is telling you to save your marriage at all costs. Your wife sounds like a wonderful woman and she also deserves to be with someone who is 100% committed to being with her and isnt there because its the right thing to do. She may not feel that way. She may prefer to have the family intact even if you are emotionally absent. Only you two know that. Its a new year a chance to draw a line under the past. Life is not always smooth and often happiness is a choice and committment is a choice. If your feelings for OW are so strong that they override your free will to committ emotionally to your wife (not your marriage your wife) its something you need to look at very closely. Dont spend another year in limbo. I hope you find some peace. 1
Author AdamLevy48131 Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 First, thank you all so much. This has been incredibly hard on me, th OW, my W, My family. I struggle with this so much, I have told my W that its unfair for her to see me like this. I try to go to other people that know of the A, but my W is my Best Friend. At one time she was my lover. She still is, but it hasn't been the same since my decision to take a 9mm to the head of our marriage. I really do want my wife. She is perfect. My mind tells me that. I see that... but i don't feel it. I am hoping to say I don't feel it yet...but I don't know when those feelings will come. @Penny I am in counseling, a great counselor, he is an advocate of the Internal Family Systems model, which in short means that we all have parts to us that relate like family members, we never rid ourselves of those parts, just learn how to deal with them and accept them. The idea is that this part of me that wants the relationship with OW is like a Firefighter, comes in guns blazing trying to save the day. Ultimately that part can be destructive to me. question is why does that part exist. I am still working on this. My W is in counseling as well, though I think her sessions tend to be more sit down and vent sessions. My W and I talk openly about the A and the OW. She knows the OW from a distance and knows I work with her. My job I have right now is transitioning so that I don't have as much time with the OW at work. I try and avoid her, but I still have massive amounts of draw and feelings. And despite her being in another relationship, she still is drawn to me. We both recognize that we are not meant to be. Yet, that small interaction eases our pain and makes us feel something. I can't get into too much with the OW, but she is not without her problems, sex addiction, extreme religious views, extreme moods. She is like my mother in a sense...very Oedipous. My mother is religous, moody, attention seeking....OW is similar. I don't want my children around hers. She has a teenager that has major mental issues and is self abusive and destructive. That part is what draws me there. I want to fix it...the funny part is that I want to fix my marriage, but that same passion isn't there. I go through the motions and I am waiting for the feelings to hopefully catch up. I can't imagine not waking everyday and seeing My W there and being with my kids...Yet, when i have been with her, I can't imagine being without the OW. it all matters where I am. That in mind I keep myself close to home and try and surround myself with my wife and my kids. @sugarmomma I am hoping that I do have a connection with my W, I don't right now, I am trying to ignite one. Hers is still there for me, she says it to me all the time. She senses my disconnect but sees that I am trying for my family and for us. She knows that I am terrified that I will be alone at the end of this. I am Unlucky in the sense that my wife is who she is, 99% of women would have given up on the marriage and me awhile ago. I am unlucky bc that would have made things easy...I am lucky BC she is still here and fighting it out with me, being as patient as ever... I so badly want to see the fruits of my labors...I want my W to be the one that I promised to be with forever. I don't understand why we were given hearts...they can lead us into some nasty situations that you can't seem to get out of. My brain is the one calling the shots...I don't want my brain to be married though, I want my heart in it as well.
jj33 Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 It sounds like you have your answers. You dont really want the OW, you want the passion that you shared together. I hope you are able to rediscover that with your wife.
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 One thing you have to do is stop hoping for the same kind of passion and lust you had with the OW to happen with your wife. It's apple and oranges! A long time ago you DID have the lust and passion for your wife, over the years it settled down, as that's just the nature of the beast in a marriage.. You connected with the OW, sparks, lust, crush like feelings because it was new and exciting..All the makings of what all new relationships have when they first start. So again, put thoughts of having that type of passion with your wife away for good. Start fresh and build on what you have WITH your wife. It seems your wife is scared of losing you and that's why she isn't kicking you out on your behind. Her fears and maybe afraid of starting over, being alone is more than likely what is driving her from doing what needs to happen. Show you anger, mistrust, disguist, and kick you out of the house for a while, make you quit your job so you don't see/talk to OW every day. How do you think you are going to fix your marriage since you work with the OW? MOST who work with their affair partners, quit their job,,Part of recovery and fixing the marriage. Think about looking elsewhere or asking for a transfer, away from the OW perminately.
thomasb Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 You should probably post this on the infidelity board as it is more geared to the restoration of marriage. Good luck!
Author AdamLevy48131 Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 @ Whichwayisup I have left my job, I am in transition, the type of job I have, my replacement takes awhile to get here. My transition began Nov 17th, I am not on the same unit as OW as much as I used to be...I have been over the past couple of days and it has been the reason why I am struggling so much. For most of Dec I was not on site and it wasn't as hard. One thing that happened that I can't explain was that around the mid of Dec, my wife came to me asked me if she could block OW phone #. I said to her without question and answered before she could finish, yes please block her. Trouble was that something flipped in my W and she wanted me to call the OW and tell her we were done...I wouldn't. Not bc I was trying to hang on(though that is part of it), but moreover, the day prior was the start of our NC. Everything was fresh and I wasn't going to rub salt in the wound, especially knowing I would see her at work soon around the holidays. Seeing the OW hurt is what has caused this to drag on like this. I am not one to be an *********, though I also realize that, dragging it out has ********* features to it. Seeing her hurt makes me want to fix it...which is why I can't figure out why I don't have that same desire to fix my wife...I know she is hurt, and I am trying. @jj I know where the relationship will be with OW. its why I cling to my wife right now. IDK if this will work. I do know that if my W and I get D, then I will run to the OW. OW wants marriage. planned out and everything. The part of me that wants her, also would want that if I entered into that phase in my life. But I also have a part of me saying that it will not work. Our relationship is based on lies. She has had trouble with fidelity inthe past, infact I don't know that she hasn't cheated on any man that she has been with. She assures me that I am the one...but how am I to believe that. I have told her that one of the reasons that I am where I am...with my wife is that I can't trust her. Though I know she has been with multiple men, even from the time she began with me, it never seems to matter. I am focused as much as I can on the game at hand....I feel like an outfielder on a sunny day of baseball...I am trying to concentrate on the game bc its the most important...but the sun keeps getting in my eyes and distracting me. But I refocus on the game trying to see past the light so I don't miss out on a play.
cavedweller Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Adam Levy, my 2 cents here: Your problem is that you are in love with two different women...I think you need to realize that and let one of them go.. Hey, let's face it, you can't spend the rest of your life running in circles. cavedweller
jj33 Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 The more you talk about the OW the more it seems clear that she is not the one for you unless you want a drama filled uncertain future. Is is possible that a part of you hangs on not just for the passion but because it had to be important on a subsconscious level a smart switched on person like you would not have risked everything that is important to you for something that was not important. And as you know drama feeds passion. It sounds like you feel like you are in good hands with your counselor. Its a matter of time. Look at the new year as a new chance to commit to what you want. You dont really want the OW. You want that passion.
AngeletteX Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Hi Adam - Just wondering: did you EVER have the same kind of "passion" you had with OW....with your W?
Ellin Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 I want this to work with my wife...At least that is what I tell myself. I keep making all these rationalizations in my head about my marriage. "its the right thing" "She cannot raise your children the way your wife can" "she will never be able to handle the friendship you and your wife have" "She is selfish and has no remorse what your family will go through.". I say these things to myself, I tell myself that "it will get better", that "I will not hurt" and that "I will get over the OW dating and meeting new men that will inevitably make her happier than you did because you were never a full time BF or husband. You were a lover....simple as that." Then why does it hurt so much? Why do I have to fight so hard from trying to contact her. So these things you tell yourself, do you actually believe them or do you just say them to yourself without conviction but with the purpose of forcing yourself to forget about OW? Is it just because it's "the right thing"? Why is it right? Is it because this is what your family / friends/ people around you / society expect from you and otherwise will condemn you? Is it because it's easier this way, less scary than making a big change? Is it because of the kids / finances / house / history and all the circumstances that bind you and your W together? You don't feel passion or connection with your W - do you LOVE her? If yes, what kind of love is it? You say she's your best friend, you can't stand the thought of being without her, but then other things you say sound like your feelings are not with her at all. Does "the right thing" mean going against your feelings and sticking to your responsibilities? Imagine that you have a completely fresh start in life, there are no children, no marriages, no ties, no duties, it's just you and the two women - who would you choose as your life partner, your W or OW?
jwi71 Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 So these things you tell yourself, do you actually believe them or do you just say them to yourself without conviction but with the purpose of forcing yourself to forget about OW? Is it just because it's "the right thing"? Why is it right? Is it because this is what your family / friends/ people around you / society expect from you and otherwise will condemn you? Is it because it's easier this way, less scary than making a big change? Is it because of the kids / finances / house / history and all the circumstances that bind you and your W together? You don't feel passion or connection with your W - do you LOVE her? If yes, what kind of love is it? You say she's your best friend, you can't stand the thought of being without her, but then other things you say sound like your feelings are not with her at all. Does "the right thing" mean going against your feelings and sticking to your responsibilities? Imagine that you have a completely fresh start in life, there are no children, no marriages, no ties, no duties, it's just you and the two women - who would you choose as your life partner, your W or OW? I agree with where Ellin is going but I'll go a step farther. Separate from your W. Move out, live on your own in a rented apartment with rented furniture. Take some time to "get yourself straight". If you wish to continue seeing the OW do so. The caveat is you MUST tell your W you are still seeing her and that she too is free to date (or take a lover). If you get to date others so does your wife. Its only fair. You will only see or speak to your wife during MC. After that hour is up, she is dead to you. Then, after say 30 days of NC with your wife (save for MC), meet up for dinner and talk. You may find that your head is cleared and you know which woman you want and your path will be clear. You may find your W no longer is interested in reconciliation and HER path will be clear. Or maybe you both agree to another 30 days of NC and repeat the process.
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 So, you are suggesting he 'date' the OW, see if something is there worth chasing and ending his marriage? Take a month, or two..Yet let his wife date as well. Then choose which path to take? He's already said he doesn't want the OW in the sense of having a blended family and having his own children around the OW. He's admitted to loving his wife, just the passion he felt with the OW is what he wants WITH his wife. He should move out, but go NC with OW completely so he can reconnect with his wife, and DATE his wife. Put that effort and care into rebuilding into his wife and NOT the OW. Just my 2 cents.
BB07 Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 I think that Adam's wife is not to that pissed off stage yet, but I think when she finds it, things are gonna get a lot more clearer for Adam about who and what he wants.
jwi71 Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 So, you are suggesting he 'date' the OW, see if something is there worth chasing and ending his marriage? Take a month, or two..Yet let his wife date as well. Then choose which path to take? He's already said he doesn't want the OW in the sense of having a blended family and having his own children around the OW. He's admitted to loving his wife, just the passion he felt with the OW is what he wants WITH his wife. He should move out, but go NC with OW completely so he can reconnect with his wife, and DATE his wife. Put that effort and care into rebuilding into his wife and NOT the OW. Just my 2 cents. No, I suggested he move out and clear his head. The temptation to see the OW without his pesky family being around will be an issue - both when/if he goes this route and when/if he does move out. Might as well address it upfront. His tone and direction is like virtually every WS here...more concerned with the AP than the BS. So, lets give him a taste of life w/o the W and kids - just what he gets when his W files for D. Perhaps a dose of life w/o them will jolt him straight (if that's what he wants). Perhaps him gone will open his W's eyes to a better life with a man who will treat her right (or the absence of her cheating H opens her eyes to a better life w/o him and the stress and pain he brings). Perhaps a does of reality with the OW and her kids (full time, not stolen bits) will shake him. Perhaps spending everyday with the OW and her kids allows him to recognize his future IS with the OW.
PhoenixRise Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I think that Adam's wife is not to that pissed off stage yet, but I think when she finds it, things are gonna get a lot more clearer for Adam about who and what he wants. I completely agree with this. I think the reason you don't FEEL the need to fix anything with your wife is because right now you feel that you are in no real danger of losing her. She is being patient and understanding and trying to help you fix you. OW is dramatic and volatile and uncertain and seeing other men. AND right now....the wife aint going nowhere. If you truly want a life and future with your wife then I hope for your sake that you pull yourself together before your wife reaches the pissed off stage (Most if not all BS get there eventually) because if you don't your wife might not even be an option for you.
Spark1111 Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 No, I suggested he move out and clear his head. The temptation to see the OW without his pesky family being around will be an issue - both when/if he goes this route and when/if he does move out. Might as well address it upfront. His tone and direction is like virtually every WS here...more concerned with the AP than the BS. So, lets give him a taste of life w/o the W and kids - just what he gets when his W files for D. Perhaps a dose of life w/o them will jolt him straight (if that's what he wants). Perhaps him gone will open his W's eyes to a better life with a man who will treat her right (or the absence of her cheating H opens her eyes to a better life w/o him and the stress and pain he brings). Perhaps a does of reality with the OW and her kids (full time, not stolen bits) will shake him. Perhaps spending everyday with the OW and her kids allows him to recognize his future IS with the OW. I agree! And it worked for us. Three weeks together with his OW with my blessings ( a packed bag and boot up the butt) to be with his soulmate and full disclosure to family and friends (not forbidden anymore) just took the bloom off that rose.
Spark1111 Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I completely agree with this. I think the reason you don't FEEL the need to fix anything with your wife is because right now you feel that you are in no real danger of losing her. She is being patient and understanding and trying to help you fix you. OW is dramatic and volatile and uncertain and seeing other men. AND right now....the wife aint going nowhere. If you truly want a life and future with your wife then I hope for your sake that you pull yourself together before your wife reaches the pissed off stage (Most if not all BS get there eventually) because if you don't your wife might not even be an option for you. Yep! And some of us went from 0 to 60mph on the rage quotient pretty darn quickly. Others take a little longer.
KarmasTestDummy Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I was in an affair with AW. I worked with her. My wife found out in May 2010. Initially my first instinct, fix my marriage, go back to your wife. "its the right thing to do" is what I told the OW. Trouble was I thought I was in love...addicted...whatever you choose to call it. Was on Vacation when my wife found out, came back and went back to work and right back into the affair, not as heavy as prior, but not that it really matters. The OW was in the midst of divorce, wanted me to leave my wife. Said "you don't love her, you love me", which was true when I was with her. I didn't have the feelings for my wife that I had for the OW. I questioned everything about my marriage, my love, my feelings for my wife. I had multiple relapses since May. The OW would try and move on, I had sabotaged her from getting back with her husband. I drew the OW back to me when her husband had come back home to try and work things out. I was so desperate to not be without her in my life, yet I couldn't handle the idea of leaving my wife for her. I wanted my cake and eat it too, as they say. Since she split with her husband, she has been with at least 3 other men, including the relationship she is in currently. That is where my problem lies. All the while that she was trying to move on, we couldn’t stay away from each other. I would go home to my wife, she was not the OW in so many ways. Additionally, The OW would see other men, none having the connection she did with me, and thus the cycle continued, for both of us. The OW was tired of me not being there for her, but would constantly seek me out, or I seek her out. This wasn’t hard considering we worked with each other. I have not been able to be NC bc of my work, until recently. I have suffered many losses because of the affair. I have lost respect of collegues, I have left my job that I loved to put distance between her and I. I have lost trust of my wife. I have lost my love that I had for my wife. My trouble that I have right now, is that I know part of me wants this, wants the right thing. There is also a destructive part that wants to pursue this feeling, relieve this pain and hurt that I feel from being apart from the OW. There is a large part of me that wants the OW back. I do want that passion, but I want it for my wife. My trouble is that I have the passion for the OW and not with my wife and I don't know how to regain that. I want this to work with my wife...At least that is what I tell myself. I keep making all these rationalizations in my head about my marriage. "its the right thing" "She cannot raise your children the way your wife can" "she will never be able to handle the friendship you and your wife have" "She is selfish and has no remorse what your family will go through.". I say these things to myself, I tell myself that "it will get better", that "I will not hurt" and that "I will get over the OW dating and meeting new men that will inevitably make her happier than you did because you were never a full time BF or husband. You were a lover....simple as that." Then why does it hurt so much? Why do I have to fight so hard from trying to contact her. I have blocked her phone # on my cell. I have deleted FB personas (that were developed to try keep contact), I have taken a new job, even looked at leaving the state and leaving the rest of my family. It Seems I am my own worst enemy in this. My wife has been the definition of unconditional love in this. Ever present and patient. I don't deserve her in any way. I often worry that i will keep her with me because I make her happy....IDK how but she says I do. That I owe her my unhappiness as payment or retribution for what i have done. [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] My wife is patient to a fault. I try and get her to argue with me, have passion, hold me accountable. She said she is afraid BC she doesn’t want to push me away. I want her to be angry and tell me she is hurt about something so I can have this drive in me to make it better. That drive that existed to make things better with the OW that I had. I want that for my wife. I want to have passion in my marriage. I keep forcing things, nothing seems natural. I am so depressed and still so drawn to the OW, but I know that that road is not one I will survive in the long run. Can anyone help me? I just feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, I am not wanting nor am I ready for my marriage to end, but I can’t seem to feel what I need to make it work. Tell your wife all these things, or better yet let her read this post. I have a feeling it will light a fire in her and bring those passionate emotional feelings to a head that she is harboring, and desperately needs to get out before they bottle up too long and explode in a very bad way. She is patient and loving. She will either make a choice for you or she will see your pain and know her heart and fight for you. But either way, I do believe she deserves to know the truth. She can't sit and wait wondering if and when you'll give your heart back to her. She'll end up wasting years of her life in a completely unfulfilled state of mind, and I think you love her enough to not want that for her.
flowergirl77 Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Wow..I am in the exact same position. I have been NC for a month with my AP, and still am having great difficulty connecting with my HB..it`s like its just not there at all. He is wonderful, and has been amazing through this whole thing. He has shown me his tru character as a man and he is amazing. A good provider, father, husband. He contributes to the house and parenting equally, while he also works ft and is doing his Phd. He is a husband others would be jealous of..but I dont feel what I should feel. I am still disconnected, and I have been for years. From what I have learned about A, if you are even seeing this OW from across the room, you are keeping the A feelings alive, and it will always put up a wall between you and your W. Go to marriagebuilders.com and read all about affairs. This is an amazing site full of info on getting past an A. He says absolutely NO CONTACT with the AP is essential. He also talks about affair withdrawal and how it affects how you see everything while in the fog. Go...read... NOW!!change jobs if you really want to get past it. NO CONTACT is the only way. I had to leave a good job with great pay to get away from OM. Working with him kept our EA alive no matter how much i tried to limit our interactions..the pull toward each other was too intense. Either of us could stay away. As painful, and difficult as ending it cold turkey has been, it is the only way to get past it. Just my 2 cents..I have been where you are, and am still not out of the woods yet!
Author AdamLevy48131 Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 Thanks for the input. I am afraid to separate at this point. I know I will end up with the OW. I have been NC now for a week. Its hard. I still had some msgs from her on FB. Hadn't blocked her there yet, noted that she had changed her profile Pic to one with her new BF and her at work. I realize that this is done for two things...one to spark me to respond to her. As well as show me she is trying to move on...I responded by blocking her, calling my wife, talking to her, and remaining NC. I am committed to my marriage...I agree that I am in a fog. Can't see anything and I need to hold on to my wife. She may not be drama...or passion in that sense...but 50yrs from now, I really think that I want to be looking at her sitting across from me on the couch. My gut tells me that OW and I wouldn't make it. Shes been divorced 3x....pattern???? I don't want that.
KarmasTestDummy Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Thanks for the input. I am afraid to separate at this point. I know I will end up with the OW. I have been NC now for a week. Its hard. I still had some msgs from her on FB. Hadn't blocked her there yet, noted that she had changed her profile Pic to one with her new BF and her at work. I realize that this is done for two things...one to spark me to respond to her. As well as show me she is trying to move on...I responded by blocking her, calling my wife, talking to her, and remaining NC. I am committed to my marriage...I agree that I am in a fog. Can't see anything and I need to hold on to my wife. She may not be drama...or passion in that sense...but 50yrs from now, I really think that I want to be looking at her sitting across from me on the couch. My gut tells me that OW and I wouldn't make it. Shes been divorced 3x....pattern???? I don't want that. Try roll playing with your wife. Not like in the kinky way but in the I don't know you, let's date and fall I'm love all over again way. Sleep in another room or on the couch but take her out. Buy her flowers. Court her and wait for the invitation back to bed like ur being together for the first time. Then hold her tight, smell her hair..take in all the familiarity of her that makes you completely comfortable with her. Pay attention to the small details that you forgot to keep noticing like the way her hips curve or how she bites her bails when she's nervous. Look at things in a new perspective. Wrap your fingers in hers and just look at how they intertwine as one. The passion isn't gone it's just gotten lost. You can find it again if you close your eyes and just breathe and realize you're the luckiest man alive to be able to hold your arms around the most loving, forgiving, patient, kind woman in the world, who is also your best friend.
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