john213242 Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 I fell in love with a girl while I was on university exchange last year, and she even moved in with me for 3 months while we were there. Since I've gone back to my home country, we've been maintaining a long distance relationship for about a year now, but even though I love her so much sometimes it was so difficult, especially at times when we were busy and couldn't talk much with each other. One day I was so lost and confused and sexually frustrated that I stupidly thought that it'd help if I visited a brothel. I felt so uncomfortable there and knew it wasn't right but it was too late already. I really hated myself after that and felt so guilty. I didn't want to lie to her so I openly admitted to what I did. Understandably, she was wrecked. For weeks and weeks she was so depressed and angry. I told her about how I was just so lost and confused and how I really regret what I did and will never do it again and in the end she said that she forgave me and is willing to give me another chance. It's been about two months now, and things have improved a lot. We're back to being very happy with each other and there's a lot of love in our relationship. And she's even going to move to my home country to live with me soon. But she still often thinks about what happened and it makes her feel like crying. Sometimes it's because I do or say something sexually suggestive or sometimes it just pops up inside her head throughout the day. I don't want her to keep suffering because of me. I know that it's my fault, and I never want to do anything like that again, but I can't change the past as much as I want to. How can I make her stop suffering because of this? What sort of things can I do to help her? I know I did a terrible thing and that I'm really lucky to have gotten another chance when most people would have dumped me. But please instead of scolding me tell me how I can help her. How can I help her stop suffering?
qinboxmail Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I fell in love with a girl while I was on university exchange last year, and she even moved in with me for 3 months while we were there. Since I've gone back to my home country, we've been maintaining a long distance relationship for about a year now, but even though I love her so much sometimes it was so difficult, especially at times when we were busy and couldn't talk much with each other. One day I was so lost and confused and sexually frustrated that I stupidly thought that it'd help if I visited a brothel. I felt so uncomfortable there and knew it wasn't right but it was too late already. I really hated myself after that and felt so guilty. I didn't want to lie to her so I openly admitted to what I did. Understandably, she was wrecked. For weeks and weeks she was so depressed and angry. I told her about how I was just so lost and confused and how I really regret what I did and will never do it again and in the end she said that she forgave me and is willing to give me another chance. It's been about two months now, and things have improved a lot. We're back to being very happy with each other and there's a lot of love in our relationship. And she's even going to move to my home country to live with me soon. But she still often thinks about what happened and it makes her feel like crying. Sometimes it's because I do or say something sexually suggestive or sometimes it just pops up inside her head throughout the day. I don't want her to keep suffering because of me. I know that it's my fault, and I never want to do anything like that again, but I can't change the past as much as I want to. How can I make her stop suffering because of this? What sort of things can I do to help her? I know I did a terrible thing and that I'm really lucky to have gotten another chance when most people would have dumped me. But please instead of scolding me tell me how I can help her. How can I help her stop suffering? First you must promise yourself to never do this again. Second you'll to promise to her and never break her heart. If you can't do both of them then please leave it cause she deserves someone who can treat her better. Have sex with her.
amerikajin Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 You visited a brothel? I would have gotten myself tested and re-tested and then kept my mouth shut. Telling her in that situation wasn't helpful to her or your relationship; you just wanted to get your guilty feelings off of your chest. If it's a one-time visit to a brothel, then honestly, I could even make the argument that it's not really cheating. You didn't give your heart to someone else, did you? And there was never a danger of the relationship becoming imperiled by your conduct. This would be different if you were having sex with someone you knew or someone you could conceivably have a fling with in the future. If you visit a brothel or get a racy lap dance in the future, take a night to yourself, play some country music, down copious amounts of alcohol, have yourself a good five to ten minute cry, and look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself off, and go on about what a selfish act that was and so on, and vow not to do it again. And then move on with your life. And then remind yourself that having a wank is far more guiltless than visiting a prozzy. Sorry to be so blunt.
Azazeal Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 How can I make her stop suffering because of this? You can't. However, she did forgive you and is giving you another chance. Use this chance wisely, if you want to stay with her. What sort of things can I do to help her? Promises are words...they mean nothing. Action is the key. Show her that she can trust you. Be open and honest with her. If she has a day, and she will, where this subject comes up and she gets upset, have patience with her. Listen to her and keep your mouth shut, unless a reply is warranted. Give her time. If she needs to cry, let her. Give her a hug, without saying a word. If she doesn't want a hug and needs space, give it to her. Also, for yourself, you'd be wise to figure out why you were lost and confused. And if you were to be lost and confused again, learn ways to cope with it. Putting her and yourself at risk for STDs is not a valid coping mechanism...well, it may be valid, but not healthy or positive. Once you get this bit, share it with her. This not only shows her that you are looking to change yourself, but she can also help you with the new coping skills. Personally, I am not sure you are as in love with her as you think. If you were, why did you betray her? (rhetoric) Also, rethink the reasons you stated. Were you really lost and confused, or did you just want to get laid?
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