irc333 Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Yes, I finally got a date (online) with a woman. lol Suprisingly, she was a gorgeous latina lady from south America (she's been in a US since she was a young adult, she's in her late 30's, single mom.) We really hit it off online (we chatted through the instant message system there) AND on the phone (she actually gave me her # without me asking for it) What was great about it, she was "getting" my jokes and I had her in stiches, and she was equally as funny. (It's a great bonus to find someone that "gets" you, that's for sure). Almost like an Abbott and Costello routine. We got to talking about dating, and she asked me what I was looking for, and, Like her, was looking for a commited relationship..and a few other things. She was talking about how she needs to feel a spark or chemistry. ( Usually this might be bad news for me, because I'm not an advocate of said "spark"....because it isn't realistic for me....because those things die as soon as they start...but my definition of the "spark" might mean how we "click" I usually refer to the term "clicking" as my form of "spark".....it has more to do with matching personalities, values, "getting" each other, and value system....if that's a form of "chemistry or spark" , then perhaps there WAS one) And I thought we did "click", because I've been on worse/dull/boring dates where the person had no personality or a complete....jerk. We meet at the location and walk into the restuarant. It was a greek themed restaurant, very nice atmosphere. We got to know each other some more as we waited for our table, then of course enjoyed our meal together getting to know each other there as well. She was talking about how in most of her dating relationships, and even with her ex. She was always dating uptight business men or meeting them a lot or guys who cannot make a commitment to ONE woman. She says she doesn't want someone that's uptight and "real". That she was even turned off by a guy who was trying to buy her stuff on a 2nd date (they were at a mall) and that looks aren't everything, becuase she keeps meeting men that are gorgeous, but have no substance. I was thinking (wow, I'm everything she's looking for in a man, lol, "Average Joe" non-materialistic, "real", a gentleman, etc etc) Figured this definately would've warranted a 2nd date. She also mentioned she LOVED to dance. She was even moving to the music on her chair to the entertianment. I was thinking to myself, that there was a small bar/danceclub a couple of blocks down and suggested it, but she said she had to get home to her son, apparently her son's friends were at their place, and they needed rides home at the end of the evening. Anyways, we met there around 8pm, and left at 10pm As I was walking her home, she thanked me for the dinner, and when I got to her car, I asked her what she was doing next weekend (I've always thought that asking for a 2nd date at the END of a 1st date was considered "too eager". I used to ask, "So would you like to get together sometime" was a vague way of asking.) She said that she had something going on with a female friend, something about wedding preparations, so she wasn't sure. And I said that would you like to do this again? And she said, "Sure, once in a while we could get together for a cup of coffee or something." And I thought "Hm, demoted to coffee?" I said, "oh okay, I'll be in touch" and she walks over to hug me goodbye. I couldn't necessarily read her, but I was getting a vibe she MIGHT not be interested....but...she didn't say she was not interested either. Should I call her or "take the hint"...but was it even a hint though? HEll, she could be 100% interested...still, and I might be sabatoging myself by moving on. Any feedback or suggestions?
LifeIsGreat Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Yeah, I don't like the coffee remark either. But hey, you have nothing to loose by continuing to stay in touch and feeling her out. Stay in touch without being too eager, and ask her out again sometime soon. I would try a couple times, then just let it go.
OceanGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 It sounds like she doesn't want to continue to date you. The coffee remark said it all. She was uncomfortable when you asked to see her again so she said it to be polite yet give you a clear hint that there will be no more dates. She basically told you "let's just be friends".
oaks Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 And I said that would you like to do this again? And she said, "Sure, once in a while we could get together for a cup of coffee or something." And I thought "Hm, demoted to coffee?" Her response sounds more like "no" than "yes" (to me) but you could call her and ask. Perhaps even ask her out for coffee, and if she's too busy and doesn't suggest a time when she's free then you'll have your answer.
TheWatcher Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 irc333,Your story illustrates how men should never get too excited or optimistic no matter how well they think a date may be going. Chances are your date isn't having as a good time as you are.Women are excellent actresses & will laugh/seem interested just to avoid any awkwardness.Generally speaking, they are extremely difficult to read and it is hard to get a handle on their true feelings & intentions. Perhaps,she wasn't feeling the date the moment she met you but she thought What the heck,I'm already paying for the sitter and at least I'll get a free meal & be entertained for a couple of hours.. Sorry it didn't go as well as you would've liked.
Author irc333 Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 Hm, not even for coffee? But at any rate, should I not even bother staying in touch OR take her up on her offer of coffee? (Which would be the going with the flow) Or was the "coffee remark" indeed, "It means I'm not actually interested in even seeing him for COFFEE either, and I hope he takes this demotion to a breif coffee date as a hint" I had someone say I should go "along with the coffee" scenario anyhow, just to see how it plays out. Should I even call/email her at all at this point, I could...just as a way to see if she even responds. Sometimes, I wonder if ONLINE dating really is a problem itself. The fact it is ONLINE dating impedes in the casualness of a date with a person you would've met otherwise. Too much nervousness or possibly awkwardness. You want to know why I think I was able to score a date with this lady? Because she was NEW to online dating. IT was funny because she was telling me she was on 2 or 3 diff. dating sites...and she saw the SAME people across the other sites, and I said, "Well, that tells you there's a limited amount to choose from" (This could lead to another post/topic....about how people really can't afford to be overlypicky) Friend of mine told me that some women (not meaning to be overly critical of women), they tend to go home, think about reasons NOT to see the guy again, and then of course....never see him again. It's like a saying I heard, "If you seek out failure, you WILL find it." I was also rather wondering if she wasn't physically attracted, but that can be determined by the gallery of photos I had up....and perhaps she saw an angle of me that wasn't too desirable. lol I was wondering why this gorgeous woman agreed to see me (not saying I don't have self-confidence) but typically women that look like her don't even respond. But she said my email made her laugh, and in her profile, if a man can make her laugh, then "She already likes you!" So maybe that was it....plus me being one of her first dates in her online dating experience helps...because almost EVERY time I got a date to MEEt me in person. It was ALWAYS a woman who was brand new to online dating altogether, and not a bitter woman who has been on a dating site for years and typically, the "Veterans" are rather complacent at this point in their life about dating (or online dating at least). She didn't have a sitter, her son is a HS Senior, lol. But I know what you mean about the free entertainment and meal. What I found odd though was how she claimed she was more into following her own South American culture, but she chose to live a lifestyle outside of wedlock (she had a live in boyfriend/father of their child) but never married the guy. Made me wonder what her parents/relatives back in South America thought about that.) So she wasn't even a divorcee' It sounds like she doesn't want to continue to date you. The coffee remark said it all. She was uncomfortable when you asked to see her again so she said it to be polite yet give you a clear hint that there will be no more dates. She basically told you "let's just be friends".
Author irc333 Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 Yeah, women have a knack of answering your question by giving you the answer you don't want. irc333,Your story illustrates how men should never get too excited or optimistic no matter how well they think a date may be going. Chances are your date isn't having as a good time as you are.Women are excellent actresses & will laugh/seem interested just to avoid any awkwardness.Generally speaking, they are extremely difficult to read and it is hard to get a handle on their true feelings & intentions. Perhaps,she wasn't feeling the date the moment she met you but she thought What the heck,I'm already paying for the sitter and at least I'll get a free meal & be entertained for a couple of hours.. Sorry it didn't go as well as you would've liked.
Author irc333 Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 I wanted to tag on to what Ocean girl said.....about getting excited over someone you think you're having a "great" time with. I think is what I hear women complain about when a woman meets a guy from online dating...and after the 2nd date he "acts" like she's his girlfriend. I have this female friend that was out on a 2nd date with a guy, while they were sitting on the bench waiting for their table, he'd put his hand on her knee....and if they were standing next to each other, he'd put his arm completly around her waist, making her feeling very uncomfortable. I think what happens is, the guy, who has probably been through TONS of rejections and being ignored FINALLY gets a response from a woman who will actually MEET with him...after months of rejections or being ignored....he gets OVELRY excited that a woman actually WANTS to go out with him, then he takes it overboard. Now don't get me wrong, if you're in the guys shoes, it's only human nature to get excited....now I don't go to extremes like the man I mentioned, but I do get somwhat excited that I actually clicked with someone. But I think I have a pretty good poker face, lol.
Imajerk17 Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Yeah, this one is probably done. Even if she had said "Sure give me a call" when you asked her "Do you want to do this again", it would have been much better, but still not very good. Think of it this way: We all like to keep our options open. If she was thinking even that she *might* want to see a guy again, she would have not done anything that might discourage a guy from calling, the way she did by giving you the "coffee" comment. If you are into her you can give her a call and see what happens. Don't get your hopes up though.
jelissa Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 (edited) I think you should ask her out again. You have nothing to lose. Dating's not easy and it's hard to know what the other person is thinking. She might really, really be into you but not know how you feel about her. I just started doing the online dating thing and met a guy I really like. We had a great date but I have no clue what he feels about me. I kind of left things open so that he could ask me out if he wanted to. He might take my response the same way you read hers. You never know. Take a chance. Just my 2 cents. Edited January 3, 2011 by jelissa
elaina Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Irc, I don't really see it as a horrible thing her suggestion about getting coffee once in a while. Think about this please. Having coffee together is a relaxing no pressure activity and I personally think she wants to get to know you better. She already stated she has met men who want more than one women in their lives yes? I don't think she likes that very much, and it is natural for many women to take things very slowly if they have been hurt or betrayed before. So, really she alone knows if she has friendzoned you or not, but I think it is possible that she wants to get to know you better before she decides that you are the man who will be a part of her life. She also has a son, has a life outside of dating, and is right now involved in a wedding, yes? That's a very big deal and it could be she is helping a lot with that. So, I'd say maybe after the wedding, call her and ask her if she wants to get coffee with you, and just enjoy the time with her, but not be positive she's the woman for you until both of you decide that you are ready to take it to the next level. Right now, I don't think she is ready to go to the next level with anyone she has recently met, but that doesn't mean that someday she won't... it's just something to play out, and if ya'll just become good friends, that's great, and if ya'll fall in love, that'd be beautiful!!! Some people though don't fall in love really quickly, especially if they have been hurt in the past. She sounds like she has been hurt in the past, and has her son to think of as well.
carhill Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Any feedback or suggestions? LOL, is the pope Catholic? She was talking about how she needs to feel a spark or chemistry. 'What do you mean by that?' - asked to her. What you perceive as such can be *very* different from what a woman feels. You could observe a woman you get along famously with feeling that 'spark' with a man who totally annoys her. Remember, 'want' and 'attraction', e.g. 'spark', don't always line up. She was talking about how in most of her dating relationships, and even with her ex. She was always dating uptight business men or meeting them a lot or guys who cannot make a commitment to ONE woman. There's your sign. That's what she's *attracted* to and you got to hear about it on your first date. Lucky you that looks aren't everything, becuase she keeps meeting men that are gorgeous, but have no substance. Another great bit of information, again exemplifying the disconnect for her between *want* and *attraction*. She meets *all kinds* of men, you being one, but do you see what she's *attracted* to? Advice? Sure, do a few cheap coffee dates to confirm/deny the blatantly obvious things I've picked up on already and ask other ladies out on dates. Here's my version of someone who's *learned* from their mistakes: 'I've made the mistake in the past in acting on attractions which were unhealthy for me but have worked on making better *choices* in how I perceive people who are good for me. I really enjoyed our time together tonight. I hope we can get together again soon.' Good luck
dispatch3d Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 lol I just read tucker maxes 2nd book, and if you've read anything by the guy this post just seems ridiculous. Go for a coffee once in a while? Yeah I dunno, maybe I'd ask her out on a 2nd date, but I definitely wouldn't take her up on that oh-so-appealing "offer".
carhill Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Never know who one might meet at the coffee shop. If this woman is 'hot', she's social proof. Never hurts to cast one's eye around. I learned that from a woman, actually many women. They're smart.
dispatch3d Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Never know who one might meet at the coffee shop. If this woman is 'hot', she's social proof. Never hurts to cast one's eye around. I learned that from a woman, actually many women. They're smart. I don't mind befriending hot women, don't get me wrong. But op seems to be super into this girl, and the girl seems to be wearing the man pantsx10. As in the guy has 000000 power over anything they decide to do. I wouldn't enter into a friendship like that, just fwiw.
elaina Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Never know who one might meet at the coffee shop. If this woman is 'hot', she's social proof. Never hurts to cast one's eye around. I learned that from a woman, actually many women. They're smart. Hi Carhill, I don't really understand what the red flag is... is it her saying "once in a while"? I like coffee Maybe she does too? Going out for coffee with a guy to me isn't friend zoning him, not unless it's a group of friends going with no relationship potential possibilities. Do you think her previous relationships will prevent her from falling in love with a guy who is not like her exes?
carhill Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 IMO, she piled on the disclaimers. I've heard a lifetime of this stuff from unhealthy and broken women. The clear indicator is there is nothing related to *positive* learning experience relative to herself. As is typical IME, the responsibility is placed squarely upon the shoulders of others. If I read more positive *I* statements, like 'I made these mistakes' and 'I learned this' and 'I see different choices', then I'd look at that person as a possible potential for a healthy LTR, presuming that's what the OP wants. I've dealt with this dynamic a bit in recent months and am watching the parallels, both in myself and in the women I've met; this is part of improving 'people-picking'. The crucial work is accepting both the 'hotness' as well as the potential unhealthiness and incompatibilities and making *choices* that reflect the lessons learned from the mistakes in the past. Can this woman (or the OP) find such a path? Perhaps. Hopefully. IMO, more experience breeds better experience, which is why I agreed with those suggesting going out on the coffee 'dates', but with a perspective reflective of the relative investment of the parties involved, which is minimal. Observe and learn.
elaina Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 IMO, she piled on the disclaimers. I've heard a lifetime of this stuff from unhealthy and broken women. The clear indicator is there is nothing related to *positive* learning experience relative to herself. As is typical IME, the responsibility is placed squarely upon the shoulders of others. If I read more positive *I* statements, like 'I made these mistakes' and 'I learned this' and 'I see different choices', then I'd look at that person as a possible potential for a healthy LTR, presuming that's what the OP wants. I've dealt with this dynamic a bit in recent months and am watching the parallels, both in myself and in the women I've met; this is part of improving 'people-picking'. The crucial work is accepting both the 'hotness' as well as the potential unhealthiness and incompatibilities and making *choices* that reflect the lessons learned from the mistakes in the past. Can this woman (or the OP) find such a path? Perhaps. Hopefully. IMO, more experience breeds better experience, which is why I agreed with those suggesting going out on the coffee 'dates', but with a perspective reflective of the relative investment of the parties involved, which is minimal. Observe and learn. Ok, I get it now I think. Hopefully she has learned from the past. That's a good point that's easy to forget... how it's important to not just place blame on others, but focus on what onself can do to grow and improve.
carhill Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 The OP's part of this is clear communication, exemplified by clarifying what she means by 'spark' and 'chemistry'. Don't presume. Don't project. I was recently told by a woman that I differ from many men she's known when talking in that I ask 'how do you feel about that?' and 'what does that mean?' and 'can you explain that in more detail?'. These are elementary communication tools I learned in MC which, along with *accepting* the responses, even when markedly different than what I might have *presumed* or *inferred*, create *intimacy*, whether as a friend or lover. The OP, like myself, has plenty of 'stuff' of his own to work on, adjunct to having *fun* on the dates. Like he said, "We got to talking about dating, and she asked me what I was looking for, and, Like her, <I> was looking for a committed relationship..and a few other things." Hmm....committed relationship.... 'how do you envision that?' Posted prior, a common question I've heard: 'What are you looking for in a relationship?' My answer: 'I enjoyed being married and would like to be married again in the future. I value the intimacy in a committed marital relationship'. A woman who does not bolt at that response will get my attention and interest. No takers yet.
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