whose stories on LS personally affect you?

January 2, 2011

We're oposites you and I. But ur an LS star

It's fine that we're different. But play nice.

January 2, 2011

I'm going to take this opportunity to make a point. I don't know if I've ever revealed this much vulnerability on LS in direct response to what other people have written. And in general I'm reluctant to do so. But I've had enough.

This, this right here, is the kind of negativity that gets me down. Not reading about the lives of others.

I seriously can't start a thread, no matter how innocuous, without somebody trying to criticize my life, friendships, or even interest in others. I could probably start a thread about something funny my cat did, and Mme Chaucer et al. would find some way of spinning it into a commentary on what a messed up person I am.

Then if I get offended or hurt, certain posters will pounce all over that. Why are you so defensive? What's wrong with you? Can't take it? Are you a narcissist, are you psychotic? Huh, huh? Here, let me paste some crap I pulled off the internet about a personality disorder and diagnose you with it based on how upset you get when others criticize you. Why are you so judgmental about others? Sure, I barely know you and have never met you in real life, but it's fine for me to diagnose you with something, yet you have no right to judge others when they repeatedly put you down. And if you dare defend yourself in response to my post, or point out my hypocrisy, you're falling into my trap, and that's just more evidence that I was right.

I fully expect a response like this, which is why I'm not going to open this thread again. You want to know boring and depressing? There it is.

Yes, I know I have problems, but for god sakes people. I'm a human being, and I have more to me than you can or are willing to see here. Maybe you'll see that if look a little deeper. And I'm sensitive. Lay off. I don't need to be reminded of my issues at every damn opportunity, especially when I'm just lonely and trying to connect with others.

I really think LS is a habit I need to kick, because for all the wonderful, inspirational, and optimistic people on this site whom I truly appreciate, the last thing I need is a chorus of Negative Nancies in my head affirming every bad thought I've ever had about myself. One is enough.

Will you at least acknowledge that you make a whole bunch of assumptions about what other people post and sometimes pretend that you can read other posters' minds? Will you acknowledge that you can rarely engage in conversation on the Internet without getting insanely defensive and exhibiting standoffish behavior?

You went off on me the other day for nothing in your thread, and I've seen you get extremely bitter with Star and Chaucer when they were offering input. Not everything that could possibly be construed as an attack on you is, and exactly why do you feel the need to be so defensive anyhow? As you've pointed out, just because somebody says something doesn't mean it's true, and it could be colored by their own beliefs and motivations. Therefore, you can simply disagree or make a point to the contrary without getting personal. Do you really think that the people posting here are trying to bring you down or belittle you? I thought the whole objective of this site was to learn and make progress? I've never made progress that wasn't painful and didn't require change.

Honestly, why not just calm down and let people say what they are going to say. You can't expect everybody to understand you, give you the benefit of the doubt, or even like you. It's an unfortunate part of being human. You need to develop that sense of self that allows you to handle the negative appraisals of others.

Many people take a surface look at who I am, what I look like, the way I talk, what I've accomplished/not accomplished, and think I'm a ****ing loser. Feeling the need to attack these people in return would be giving them power, saying that I am injured to the point where I need to try to defend myself. I was obese for the vast majority of my life, and virtually all of my conscious life of which I have memory. People are not the perfect judges or appraisers, and some of them are out to make you feel worse about yourself. Some think they know what will help, but misunderstand and misjudge and make things worse. Take away their power by looking beyond the ego.

I really do wish you luck whether you stay here or not. If anything I have posted seemed malicious or intentionally hurtful to you, I sincerely apologize. I want nothing but happiness for everybody who has had to struggle with the challenges life has to offer.

January 2, 2011

-sedgwick

I used to relate to her story.

But she is so self depreciating and is so on edge that I can't relate to her either.

January 2, 2011

Will you at least acknowledge that you make a whole bunch of assumptions about what other people post and sometimes pretend that you can read other posters' minds? Will you acknowledge that you can rarely engage in conversation on the Internet without getting insanely defensive and exhibiting standoffish behavior?

You went off on me the other day for nothing in your thread, and I've seen you get extremely bitter with Star and Chaucer when they were offering input. Not everything that could possibly be construed as an attack on you is, and exactly why do you feel the need to be so defensive anyhow? As you've pointed out, just because somebody says something doesn't mean it's true, and it could be colored by their own beliefs and motivations. Therefore, you can simply disagree or make a point to the contrary without getting personal. Do you really think that the people posting here are trying to bring you down or belittle you? I thought the whole objective of this site was to learn and make progress? I've never made progress that wasn't painful and didn't require change.

I apologize if I went off on you. I'm on edge because of all the negativity I get in my threads.

I have a history with certain users, some who continually "stalk" my threads just to write negative crap, even though they say they think I am beyond help. I've asked them politely to bow out and not hijack, but they keep coming back. So it may seem like I'm going off over nothing if you just pop into a thread without seeing how that built up. Believe me, if you read through the commentary history, you would understand why I get defensive when these users are critical.

Honestly, why not just calm down and let people say what they are going to say. You can't expect everybody to understand you, give you the benefit of the doubt, or even like you. It's an unfortunate part of being human. You need to develop that sense of self that allows you to handle the negative appraisals of others.

Many people take a surface look at who I am, what I look like, the way I talk, what I've accomplished/not accomplished, and think I'm a ****ing loser. Feeling the need to attack these people in return would be giving them power, saying that I am injured to the point where I need to try to defend myself.

And honestly, why not just let me defend myself if I want to? Even if you believe it's not a good idea, and I agree with you on that at this point cause it's just perpetuating the cycle. If you're going to call me out for defending myself then also scold the people who keep stalking my threads and criticizing me. It takes two.

By the same token, maybe instead of judging me and assuming I'm jumping to conclusions about these posters, you should take some of your own advice and try to understand from my perspective or entertain the possibility that I might actually not be jumping to conclusions.

I was obese for the vast majority of my life, and virtually all of my conscious life of which I have memory. People are not the perfect judges or appraisers, and some of them are out to make you feel worse about yourself.

Exactly, and I feel like you're falling into the same trap with me. Not in trying to make me feel bad, but you are being judgmental.

Edited January 2, 2011 by northern_sky

January 2, 2011

One poster here who makes me really sad to read her threads is GooseChaser. She seems like such a sweetheart, but so hopelessly naive. I just want to give her a big hug...after I figuratively knock some sense into her.

Hi! I don't mean to make people sad with my threads. I'm really not clueless, I just like to keep trying until I know it's over. People call me "optimistic" and "naive" as if it's a bad thing, as if I'm supposed to have all of the wisdom of the experienced without any of the work. People say my process is "unhealthy", but I say it's perfectly healthy-- it's called living and learning. I am learning valuable lessons, through experience, and I find that meaningful.

In my last thread, I didn't intend for it to go as far as it did. I was asking a simple question in the title-- is there hope; this referred to whether there was "hope" that I would ever see or speak to the guy in question again, as it had been a very long time. The answer to the intended meaning of the question was yes. However, most people felt the need to basically say, in paraphrase, "No, there is NO hope, and you are silly for having it; what is wrong with you?" People's approach made me feel the need to constantly defend myself: from the accusations of "unhealthiness", "naivety", "optimisim", and being a bad listener. Especially this accusation that I wasn't listening to advice, even after I would say that I was, and while I felt like a big part of what I was saying was not being heard. Advice to try to make things work was sparce. The majority just wanted me to give up. (And we all know the majority is always right... right?) I understand their assertion that he wasn't interested enough, and I think there's truth to that, though the argument that he wasn't interested at all is hard to believe.

It would never change; the feedback I got would always be extremely negative, always believing the worst. Add into this that I am a positive person (or should I say over-optimistic and naive?), and this inferrence that I shouldn't try, that there isn't hope, that I have character flaws because of my persistent approach to my problems, and I just found the overall atmosphere suffocating. I didn't ask for all of that criticism, and I didn't know how to react to it besides shield; it was just all so one-sided.

I now know that it may have been insensitive to make those threads, ask for advice, and then make it appear as though I wasn't listening because I wasn't acting on it. (That isn't necessarily the case; in the end, it is my decision whether to act on it or not. It doesn't mean I'm not listening.) That, and actually making that lack of action a pattern! I'm sorry for that. I am now reading dating and relationship books in order to learn. It's more balanced, they give professional opinions, and books don't argue and criticize me and my character personally. It's less confrontational. I do appreciate the opportunity that this forum gives to get real advice from people, many of whom are more knowledgable than I. I appreciate people's support and caring. These are all reasons why I made my threads. I find that other perspective valuable, even if it's negative.

Don't worry about me, I'll be experienced too in time. Bear with me, I'll get it. My struggles are normal, really, and I'll learn. All part of growing up.

January 2, 2011

In an effort to get this thread back on topic...

I just remembered a poster, TRaczaj. His story about his now-girlfriend who he's known for over 10 years and lived with her and her ex, etc, really fascinated me. I don't think I ever posted in any of his threads but I was rooting for him. And I'm happy he's got his girl after waiting so long.

January 2, 2011

You show me where I have ever judged YOU! Try separating behavior and the things you do and say from this notion of YOU. You can act in ways that are hurtful and be standoffish without being a "bad" person.

Everybody judges behavior, but only the arrogant pretend to have the understanding necessary to judge a person. I can disapprove or judge the behavior of a serial killer without belittling his humanity or claiming to understand what lead to it. Theres about a million components that result in behavior, but from what I've gathered, almost everybody wants to be happy and wants to feel like they are "good" or "right".

This notion of "calling YOU out" is something I disagree with. Again, I think you assume the motives of other people too quickly. (This is an example of me judging something you've done or said here). Don't make the mistake of thinking that I claim to be 100% objective or understand everything about you, or that I am judging you for this. My actual motivation in pointing this out is that I think this kind of behavior is hurtful to you in the long run, and a shift in thinking could be helpful. I don't know if this is true, but nobody here is going to be an absolute authority, and if you think that you will not benefit from what others' have to say in response to you, than why come here?

The benefit of the site is gaining insight from other peoples' experiences and feelings, which are subjective and may not be relevant. At least that's what I use it for.

Edited January 2, 2011 by Yer_Blues

January 2, 2011

Pandagirl is probably the poster with whom I feel I have the most in common. I find we tend to approach situations with the same cautious easy-going optimism.

But who's stories affect me? Well, definitely you Nightsky. I find you endearing in just how candid you are. And brave for being so honest about your feelings on here. I also think you are making progress and I believe you are working hard. It just takes some time to change thought patterns.

I love Tigressa's threads because I find she's introspective yet carefree. I love the combination. It makes for interesting reads.

I can't pass up any thread Ocean girl puts up probably because I feel like she gets it, she gets the advice, but then turns around and lets anxiety take over. It's like watching a long running television program, hoping one character will finely break their pattern. Your threads are quite addictive Ocean.

And yet, I'm addicted to Star's thread, just because she really seems to have a positive attitude about dating. She definitely inspired me back when I was single.

Sunshinegirl's threads really touched me and I hope she comes back to update us on how she's doing soon.

Melodymatters. I admire the woman. She's outstanding, generous, kindhearted.

And TBF has affected me in a positive "what would TBF do?" kind of way .

I seriously can't start a thread, no matter how innocuous, without somebody trying to criticize my life, friendships, or even interest in others.

I find this is true of any prominent posters who frequently start threads. Think about it, be it you, TBF or SG. Not a single one of you can start a thread without attracting criticism, and yet, you're all very different. Back when I posted more, I would simply ignore the posts of people I felt were simply trying to get under my skin and I found they would naturally stop posting on my threads.

January 2, 2011

I'm going to take this opportunity to make a point. I don't know if I've ever revealed this much vulnerability on LS in direct response to what other people have written. And in general I'm reluctant to do so. But I've had enough.

This, this right here, is the kind of negativity that gets me down. Not reading about the lives of others.

I seriously can't start a thread, no matter how innocuous, without somebody trying to criticize my life, friendships, or even interest in others. I could probably start a thread about something funny my cat did, and Mme Chaucer et al. would find some way of spinning it into a commentary on what a messed up person I am.

Then if I get offended or hurt, certain posters will pounce all over that. Why are you so defensive? What's wrong with you? Can't take it? Are you a narcissist, are you psychotic? Huh, huh? Here, let me paste some crap I pulled off the internet about a personality disorder and diagnose you with it based on how upset you get when others criticize you. Why are you so judgmental about others? Sure, I barely know you and have never met you in real life, but it's fine for me to diagnose you with something, yet you have no right to judge others when they repeatedly put you down. And if you dare defend yourself in response to my post, or point out my hypocrisy, you're falling into my trap, and that's just more evidence that I was right.

I fully expect a response like this, which is why I'm not going to open this thread again. You want to know boring and depressing? There it is.

Yes, I know I have problems, but for god sakes people. I'm a human being, and I have more to me than you can or are willing to see here. Maybe you'll see that if look a little deeper. And I'm sensitive. Lay off. I don't need to be reminded of my issues at every damn opportunity, especially when I'm just lonely and trying to connect with others.

I really think LS is a habit I need to kick, because for all the wonderful, inspirational, and optimistic people on this site whom I truly appreciate, the last thing I need is a chorus of Negative Nancies in my head affirming every bad thought I've ever had about myself. One is enough.

You know you got yourself into this state of mind.

January 2, 2011

There are some topics I like to read about. I like threads that show how men think and act, sometimes differently from women, because I think developing that kind of understanding is really good for helping dating and relationships work more smoothly. I like reading about how people deal with difficulties in relationships and get through them. I also like reading about what is and isn't okay in them, good boundaries to set at particular points in a relationship's development, and when it's better to just let it go and break up rather than struggling to make it work.

I like reading Woggle's posts, because you can tell that he is working to gain a better understanding of people, despite bad experiences. Carhill always makes good, well thought-out posts. I also like the energy and spirit that comes through in TigressA's posts. I also like that she knows her limits and is sensible in that way and in other ways too.

Writing this felt nice.

January 2, 2011

You know you got yourself into this state of mind.

Agreed....

January 2, 2011

Dexter Morgan, Woggle, Bentnotbroken and others I like. They're part of the reason why I stay. CarryingOn123's story personally affected me also.

January 2, 2011

In an effort to get this thread back on topic...

I just remembered a poster, TRaczaj. His story about his now-girlfriend who he's known for over 10 years and lived with her and her ex, etc, really fascinated me. I don't think I ever posted in any of his threads but I was rooting for him. And I'm happy he's got his girl after waiting so long.

Yea. At the expense of his relationship with his "best friend.":rolleyes:

January 2, 2011

I dont really care much for the stories of anyone... I just like the situations and the feedback it seems to be pretty helpful... Some of it just seems a little to Dr. Phil for me..

January 2, 2011

Pandagirl is probably the poster with whom I feel I have the most in common. I find we tend to approach situations with the same cautious easy-going optimism.

But who's stories affect me? Well, definitely you Nightsky. I find you endearing in just how candid you are. And brave for being so honest about your feelings on here. I also think you are making progress and I believe you are working hard. It just takes some time to change thought patterns.

I love Tigressa's threads because I find she's introspective yet carefree. I love the combination. It makes for interesting reads.

I can't pass up any thread Ocean girl puts up probably because I feel like she gets it, she gets the advice, but then turns around and lets anxiety take over. It's like watching a long running television program, hoping one character will finely break their pattern. Your threads are quite addictive Ocean.

And yet, I'm addicted to Star's thread, just because she really seems to have a positive attitude about dating. She definitely inspired me back when I was single.

Sunshinegirl's threads really touched me and I hope she comes back to update us on how she's doing soon.

Melodymatters. I admire the woman. She's outstanding, generous, kindhearted.

And TBF has affected me in a positive "what would TBF do?" kind of way .

I find this is true of any prominent posters who frequently start threads. Think about it, be it you, TBF or SG. Not a single one of you can start a thread without attracting criticism, and yet, you're all very different. Back when I posted more, I would simply ignore the posts of people I felt were simply trying to get under my skin and I found they would naturally stop posting on my threads.

I think this is good advice Kamille. Rather then going into a cycle of attack-defend we should just ignore them.

January 2, 2011

You're obviously talking about Northern_sky as opposed to the earlier poster I'm guessing she subconsionsly or consionsly made her name sound like Nightsky

Totally - I did mean Northern Sky. I think my use of Nightsky must have been a Freudian slip. I really like his threads and his sarcasm. I'm also generally entertained by yours.

January 2, 2011

There are definitely some I just read for the drama. I also get a kick out of their repeated patterns...or the best is how the situation changes sometimes yet they manage to react in the some exact ways...anyway I don't want to call those people out. It's not my "best" side that likes reading those threads.

Dgirl (dgrrl? dgrl?) and carhill are the ones I read and admire for their advice and wisdom. In general I also like to read threads by people who are generally viewed negatively (e.g. cheaters) just to expand my mind a little. I also like the threads by people who have had romantic setbacks but gone on to recover without plunging into another relationship. It's interesting to see their perspectives and tones change as they get back to normalcy. It's also really nice whenever anyone stops obsessing over the motives and actions of someone who seems not to care about them.

January 2, 2011

In my 5+ years here I have come across many people here whose stories have had a good impact on me. I never did keep a list of them but I will say that those who are nvolved in and have successfully maintained a LDR has been a good inspiration for me and their stories and knowledge has helped educate me on the whole visa process.

I also have to mention MelodyMatters. The fact that she has been able to move forward in life after her tragic loss goes to show that anyone is capable of healing. You just have to want it.

January 2, 2011

A wonderful, on topic thread with no bickering or attacks. WOW. What a wonderful thing to happen. But all good things must come to an end. Thanks to all who participated.

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