i made a mess Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 How many people on here has a friend who is always the victim? Their life is always falling apart, they "always have the worst luck", nothing ever goes right for them, and their negative nelly attitude starts to rub off on you? Friends that constantly mope, sulk, and never want to leave the house. You know, they mope about being alone, but don't want to be around anyone. I try to be supportive as possible, but I think at this point, with a particular friend...they need some gentle "tough love". It's been going on for months, with no accountability being taken on their part. I think in order to move forward, you sometimes have to take a little responsibility for your role in your life of what's going on. So my question is this...what have you done, or do you recommend doing to let someone know it's time to "knock it off"? I'd never want to walk away from a friend, but the constant negativity is trying, especially when you've got your own stresses going on. I don't want to hurt this friend but I'm at a breaking point of what to do!
USMCHokie Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 How many people on here has a friend who is always the victim? Their life is always falling apart, they "always have the worst luck", nothing ever goes right for them, and their negative nelly attitude starts to rub off on you? Friends that constantly mope, sulk, and never want to leave the house. You know, they mope about being alone, but don't want to be around anyone. You just described the way I was to a T... :laugh: I try to be supportive as possible, but I think at this point, with a particular friend...they need some gentle "tough love". It's been going on for months, with no accountability being taken on their part. I think in order to move forward, you sometimes have to take a little responsibility for your role in your life of what's going on. I am grateful to have friends that have employed the "not-so-gentle tough love" to help me pull my head from out of my ass. It's still a work in progress, but at least I'm pointed in the right direction now. So my question is this...what have you done, or do you recommend doing to let someone know it's time to "knock it off"? I'd never want to walk away from a friend, but the constant negativity is trying, especially when you've got your own stresses going on. I don't want to hurt this friend but I'm at a breaking point of what to do! You said it...accountability...hold your friend accountable for his/her actions...call them out on it...if it's just as simple as saying, "stop being such a little b*tch"... And I know you said you didn't want to walk away from your friend, but at some point, you've got to remove the negative influences on your life if they are detrimental to your happiness...
Star Gazer Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 I am grateful to have friends that have employed the "not-so-gentle tough love" to help me pull my head from out of my ass. It's still a work in progress, but at least I'm pointed in the right direction now. You said it...accountability...hold your friend accountable for his/her actions...call them out on it...if it's just as simple as saying, "stop being such a little b*tch"... Sometimes it's literally just that simple. BUT it takes the right person to snap out of it based on that sort of not-so-gentle tough love.
OceanGirl Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 I have a "poor me syndrome" but tough love doesn't work on me. Everybody is different. When people give me tough love, I get defensive, angry and withdraw even more. I think to myself f... you, I don't need you in my life anyway. I feel like the whole world hates me and is against me, and I tend to act out even more. It only perpetuates the negative cycle. On the hard hand, when people show me love and support I tend to feel humbled and guilty for being too negative. This makes me think "Awww, I have people that really care about me, they deserve better than my constant whining. I am going to do better". As an example, I told my parents that I have the worst boss in the world and am going to quit my job. They were really supportive and said that they will stand by me in anything I decided to do. My brother even worked out a plan on how I will get by financially without a job for a while. I felt so loved that I snapped out of it and decided to stick it out. I felt that they don't deserve me being a financial burden on them. Now, have they told me "You are being a little biatch, you need to stop this and try harder". I would say F.. YOU and hand in my resignation the next day as an act of rebellion. This might sound childish, but that is how my psychology works. The really bad part is when badly-intentioned people figure this out and try to manipulate me (this is what my ex bf used to do).
Author i made a mess Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 Ocean Girl - I've been supportive of this friend for a long time, but I honestly can't stand hearing about it anymore if they aren't going to do anything to change it. I offer my advice, my help, etc but none of it's followed. There's been no desire on their part to better their life. They want to whine about everything but take no action to change the situation. They will be bored and when you recommend something to do, they shoot the idea down. So you find yourself asking "what do YOU want to do" and they reply "I don't know". Anyone they date that it doesn't work out with, there is no "well maybe I had an equal part in the relationships demise", no it's just that ex is "a bad person" and once again, they are getting the short end of the stick. Constant negativity from a friend in your life, can cause you to adopt an equal negative attitude. I find myself distancing myself from my friend to try to keep my own sanity because the victim mentality emulating from the friend is just physically and mentally draining.
carhill Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 I find myself distancing myself from my friend to try to keep my own sanity because the victim mentality emulating from the friend is just physically and mentally draining. Yep, whenever I hear a person talk about having 'no friends', this is the first thought which comes to mind. I call it 'preemptive distancing' Now, when encountering such individuals, I approach it from a detached perspective of a therapist and shortly thereafter recommend seeking counseling, then bow out gracefully. Life is too short.
Taramere Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 (edited) Ocean Girl - I've been supportive of this friend for a long time, but I honestly can't stand hearing about it anymore if they aren't going to do anything to change it. I offer my advice, my help, etc but none of it's followed. There's been no desire on their part to better their life. They want to whine about everything but take no action to change the situation. Some people are naturally pessimistic, and their conversation is reflective of that. I had a friend like that. French girl - always complaining bitterly about things. If you were prepared to listen patiently and move her gently towards an entertaining, rather than depressing, vent, she was usually fine and could be very entertaining. She didn't really want solutions - it was just her personality to be grouchy and negative. When you were in a similar grouchy and negative mood, she was awesome company. Nobody could validate moodiness and turn it into a virtue in the way that she could. The old adage about misery loving company rings true. I think of people who are perpetually in that state as being foul weather friends. If you're feeling particularly happy and shiny you won't be wanting to spend time with them - and the feeling will be mutual. If, however, you're in that sort of mood where you want to firmly and decisively stick up the finger in front of every vacuously smiling face you see, then people like that are great fun. The only advice I can give is to stop presenting your friend with various "how to fix your problems and be a happy, positive sort person" and just allow them to be a bit of a miserable f*cker if that's their natural disposition. You can't force them to change who they are, and it doesn't do anybody any good for your anxieties about how things might turn out for them (if they don't snap out of the gloom) to take over to the extent that you're treating them like a client or invalid rather than a friend. Obviously you should distance yourself if you've had enough of it, but keeping it light is probably the most humane way of dealing with it. Telling them "you're a great guy/girl, but sometimes your eternal gloom is a bit wearing...and right now I'm feeling a bit worn down by it. I'll give you a call in a couple of weeks." If they throw a wobbly, think you're the worst person who ever lived and never want to speak to you again, so be it. More likely, if they value the friendship they'll throw a wobbly, then have a rethink and be glad to hear from you when you get in touch again. Edited January 3, 2011 by Taramere
QuestionReality Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 One thing I've learned is not to give advice to them. Then it just goes on and on, and every time they need a dumping ground they call you. Then by the time I hang up I'm emotionally drained and miserable. While it sounds cruel to do, I just ignore the behavior and usually they hang up or leave once they dont get the attention they are seeking. I do this to save my own sanity, because I'm a very sensitive person and tend to take on other peoples problems as my own or am overly empathetic. I struggle with it daily. Hope things work out for you
Disillusioned Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 How many people on here has a friend who is always the victim? Their life is always falling apart, they "always have the worst luck", nothing ever goes right for them, and their negative nelly attitude starts to rub off on you? Friends that constantly mope, sulk, and never want to leave the house. You know, they mope about being alone, but don't want to be around anyone. I used to be that person until I bought my Realdoll and became a serial snubber.
dispatch3d Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 I would just stop helping her rationalize her bad decisions. I wouldn't necessarily tell her what to do, or in other words take the opposite approach. I just wouldn't participate in ok'ing the woe-is-me stuff. I guess I already do that now, and don't have many friends like this. However, they are hard people to be friends with to begin with.
Lovegood Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 I just ignore the behavior and usually they hang up or leave once they dont get the attention they are seeking. I do this to save my own sanity, because I'm a very sensitive person and tend to take on other peoples problems as my own or am overly empathetic. I struggle with it daily. Hope things work out for you I do this too. I get to the point where I am more stressed out about their situation than they are and I need to distance myself. I do my best to do everything I can to help, but once I run out of resources I need to back off. I think your approach will need to depend on the person. I have two friends in particular like this: one deals well with tough love, the other gets defensive and doesn't speak to me for weeks on end. I distance myself from the one that gets defensive because no matter how encouraging I am, that doesn't really help either. And it's not like he ever takes my advice Good luck
shayan Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 people change when they want to. When they are ready, thus coaxing them with tough love may be the spark to help them change, however from personal experience I've realized it's best to just accept people as who they are. Don't rub it in their face, don't try to fix them, just accept them as who they are or stop dealing with their bull****. one of the best qoutes I've heard in life is that if you try to frocefully change people, you will die a very dissapointed person.
QuestionReality Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 the other gets defensive and doesn't speak to me for weeks on end. I distance myself from the one that gets defensive because no matter how encouraging I am, that doesn't really help either. And it's not like he ever takes my advice Good luck This is exactly why I stopped trying to salvage my friendship with a friend for 20+ yrs (separate post of mine altogether) someone yesterday told me of a book to read about sensitive people who have this problem, I'm going to see if I can grab it on kindle.
0hpenelope Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 You know, I've found that those people don't realize how good their friends are that watch out for them. The ones that are able to give them some tough love, I mean. Sometimes, the "poor me" friends actually influence their other friends to have lower expectations from them. They get the help that they need but don't want, so when the whole cycle starts all over again, those friends are just resigned that this is a pattern and just ride it out.
blueyedgrl85 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I think it depends on the situation- whether this is just their general disposition or a certain event has taken place in their life to make them behave in this manner (ie: death of a loved one, relationship break up, loss of job, etc.) If it is the latter and out of his/her control, it would be appropriate after a few months to check in on them every so often, but limit contact with them since it can be draining. (Sort of like supporting them from a distance.) If it is the former, then it depends on how close you are to the person and/or how much you want to make the friendship work. You can gently tell him/her that you are concerned for him/her and suggest talking to a counselor, religious leader, health care worker, etc. If you think they will not take to this well or you are not as close to them, then gradually lose contact with them and if they ask, then it is up to you to decide if you want to tell them or simply state that you are busy and will ring once you have some free time.
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