stepka Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 After a 2 year separation from my husband of 23 years, the judge will probably be signing off the divorce this week and I'm ready. I'm like a kid in a candy shop and there are a lot of very attractive men of my age and some of them have shown some interest in me. Trouble is, I'm clueless. I've come to the conclusion that I've aged well and am attractive for my age, but truly, my perception of that changes every day and I honestly can't tell for sure. So what I've done is to join a dance club that meets every week and have met a lot of nice people thru there. I guess I've been about 6 times and have met a couple of men that I'm very interested in and they've shown some interest back, though I can't tell for sure whether they're actually interested or just flirting--it's mainly been a lot of heavy eye contact and short convos since most of our energy is on the dancing. There have been several other men who have shown more interest but who I'm less interested in--one hovered over me all evening last night to keep the others away though he's never asked me out (I headed him off). Another got mad and left one night when I wouldn't dance the rest of the dances with him. Several quieter admirers and then the usual round of married men drooling but not really being inappropriate. So, from you more experienced folks, I need help sorting this out. I love dancing so I don't want to screw this up, but I'd certainly like to find some dates through this venue. Should I just be nice and friendly and mildly flirty for now? But non-committal? Should I accept dates with men I'm somewhat less interested in than the main two I like, or would it be better to wait and see what turns up with them first? Or would it be better to pick one of the two and see what turns up with him first, or. . . well obviously they can see me talking to other men, but I don't want to get known as the lady who flirts with all of them, lol. And I'm afraid that if I pick one and "work my way down," that might be obvious, though it would be one way to find out where my league bounds are set. Should I even be worried that no one there has asked me out yet? Like, am I just getting too full of myself and none of it means anything except all in good fun? I might add that I'm more relationship oriented and I'm not looking for FWB or other such casual sex ventures--that would make a difference to how you'd respond to this. I've tried online dating, but I've come to the conclusion that it's not for me--my main admirer is a 29 yo lesbian, who thinks I'm stunning. Some men, but none that I'm much attracted to. I don't know if it's my age--I've heard complaints about it from others over 40--men and women. I hope you all can help, even with just a part of this--it's been so long since I've dated, and I don't really think I ever got it right before either.
Author stepka Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 OK, had to go back and pull this out of the reject pile so I must have made it too long. Anyway, I'm dancing tonight, so if anyone can just help me with this one-- Am I better off concentrating on one at a time so as not to get a name as a big flirt, or am I better off just hanging back for awhile and flirting mildly with several different people?
Ms. Joolie Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Have fun dancing tonight and meeting new people, men and women. For the men you have met, continue to dance and talk with them and have a good time. If you are not looking for a quick fix, just let things happen naturally. Men will ask you out, or if you like you can begin asking them out with you. I think this group knows (or will know) you will be newly divorced. If men haven't asked you out they may just be cautious of your status at the moment. And so long as you are great with both men and women, you won't be seen as the flirt.
curlygirl40 Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 I'm new to the dating world also after 20 years with the same guy (18 of those married) and thought I would give you a little advice. Although I'm floundering some myself. If you're not interested in the FWB arrangement, then don't do it. And don't fall into it. Set some boundaries. IMO don't sleep with anyone right away. It will be very tempting. I hadn't been touched lovingly by my now ex husband in so long that the first guy who paid any attention to me turned me on. And it wasn't even the sex really as much as it was the kissing, and the touching and the hand holding that I loved. I was absolutely starved for affection. I can't say that I saw this happen in my situation, but I have a newly divorced friend (who is a little wild I think) tell me that the men can smell 'new divorce' a mile away and will prey on you because they know you're starved for affection and probably won't want to be in another relationship right away. I can't say I experienced that but I know this other friend did. Read some books on dating, finding yourself, starting over after divorce, etc. There are a lot out there that you might find helpful. I would start looking on amazon.com for these books because then you can read the reviews before making a purchase or maybe getting them out at the library. I have had my profile on and off a dating website for about 6 months. I am 40. I had to weed through a lot. My advice there is NEVER meet a guy before talking to him on the phone first. Don't be a penpal either, if you do find someone you're interested in e-mail back and forth a little, then go right for the phone call then plan to meet in person soon after that. Maybe text a little bit but DO NOT text like crazy, thinking you know the guy when you really don't. Learned this the hard way. The first guy I met had a VERY feminine voice that turned me off and we got along GREAT via text. Had one guy who I got along great with via e-mail call me one night (as arranged) DRUNK as all get out. Couldn't get off the phone fast enough. If/when you do meet someone in person make it a quick meeting. Coffee, lunch. IME you will know almost right away if you click with someone. So planning a long meeting could be brutal if you know right away you don't click. And even if you do click, you want to leave that first meeting with both of you looking forward to seeing each other again. So a quick first meeting is key. I went out on probably about 9 match/eharmony dates in about 6 months and was about to give up for a while when I met a great guy who I have amazing chemistry with. Really didn't think it was possible for a while. We've been on about 10 dates in the past month. I hid my profile and I'm seeing where it goes. Some of my friends are disappointed because I think they enjoyed my dating horror stories better than my 'I'm so happy' stories. lol Just kidding. NEVER go back to his place or your place until you know you're ready to take it to the next level. Cuz it will go there. I think one of the smartest things I ever read on this website was a guy who said 'I will try to get the girl to sleep with me on the first date, but I'm secretly hoping she won't'. Remember that. When a guy tells you something, believe him. If he says "I am not looking to be serious, I don't want a relationship, I want something casual, I want to date other people....", then he means exactly that. It's not a mystery really. Don't think you're going to change him. Some men say what they mean and mean what they say. But some women choose not to believe it. Unless you have the 'exclusive' conversation, assume that the guy you're seeing is seeing other people. Unless you've discussed it, you're both open to date others. If you clearly (that is up for debate as to what that means) let a guy know you are interested, let him make the next move. Don't come on so strong and leave him running for the door. Take things slow and let them happen naturally. When you want something so badly it smells of desperation. Even if you're not. As far as the dancing group. I'm thinking the last girl you want to be is the girl who gets a fast rep around the group. So be choosy. Or go out as friends and see where it goes. The biggest advice I can give you is to be yourself, have fun, act responsibly but live a little. And enjoy men. Most of them smell nice when you're laying naked with them. lol
Author stepka Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 Ok great advice guys, esp the part about not being in a hurry. Yes, I guess I'm eager to get out there but I need to remember that it will happen soon enough and I want a rep as a desperate woman even less than I want a rep as the go-to girl. I'm actually pretty good as far as not hopping into bed too quickly--I had my little fun over a year and a half ago--tried the FWB with an old old friend and decided that it's not for me. Not looking to get married, but it's nice to plan events around someone instead of thinking you're going to be going to bed alone on Saturday night and then having a last minute booty call ring you up at midnight. No thanks. So yes, I'll be friendly (not flirty) to the women as well and not over the top with the men and see where it leads. And learn to keep the overbearing ones at a distance w/o actually pissing them off. And yes curlygirl, I agree--nothing smells nicer than a naked man, but I can wait for that part, lol.
Author stepka Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 so I went dancing last night and was mildly flirty and was careful to be nice to the women too, lol. It was so much fun and though neither of the favored two were there, another very handsome man was and we talked quite late after the dance and he told me he's not dating since he's still in a divorce from a marriage that lasted less than a year (a rebound marriage) but he's obviously interested and we'll just be friends for now. Whew, I'm gonna love being divorced! (and it was the x's choice, lol) the advice to back off a bit and not come off as desperate was spot on and I'm thinking I'm just going to work on friendships from now on and then if it works into something better--well best not to hurry into a relationship too quickly anyway, even if I am looking forward to the fun part, lol.
Recommended Posts