808 Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 This is kind of long, but it's a cluster-f*** of a situation: I meet a woman in a high management position at work several months ago. We find that we have a lot in common, enjoy each other's company, and over time, mutual attraction develops. She asks if I have a girlfriend, then gives me her phone number and we begin talking/doing things together outside of work. Flirting is constant, attraction is evident, and sexual tension is high, though no physical contact is ever made. During all of this time, I know she is single as in not married, but am unsure of her relationship status. So I find out through the grape vine that "it's complicated" and that she's "been seeing someone she used to work with for over a year, but there's no commitment." Over a year ... with no commitment?! In my mind, "no commitment" means green light, so within the following 2-3 weeks, I ask this woman out a couple of times and get lame excuses. When I ask her out the third time, I am very firm and clear that it was to be a date, and she tells me that it wouldn't be a good idea because we work together and her position wouldn't allow it. She follows with "I do want to go, but I can't. I'm sorry." All of which is understandable, but why all of the flirting in the first place? Attention? So after this discussion, I'm thinking things may be awkward between us for a while ... wrong! By this point, the flirting is heavier than ever, she lets me hold doors open for her (I've always held the door open for her, but previously, she would say "thanks" and open her own door), and the sexual tension is still high ... which brings us up to last week ... So by this time, I know the name of the guy this woman is "seeing" (she still hasn't told me about him at this point, and doesn't know that I know) and I know what he looks like. I'm out buying some Christmas gifts and see her out with him. She sees me, we acknowledge each other, and we keep going ... it was a very awkward situation. So the next day at work, I see her and ask her how she knows the guy that was with her. Her response was "Oh, we used to work together, I've known him for years", then she quickly changed the subject, and that's the first and last that anything has been said of it. That night, I tell her that I have a very small Christmas gift and card for her before she leaves town to visit friends. First she says "You're buying me things, and you shouldn't be ... it's not good." Then two seconds later, she says "Don't tell me what it is, surprise me tomorrow." So the next night when I see her, I tell her I have her stuff, and she seems excited. As we get to my car to get it, I give her the card first and she says "Thank you so much for the card, but I can't take your gift, I'm sorry. Thank you for the thought, though." When I ask why she can't take it, she just says "I can't" over and over. Then she compares it like this: "Just as I would like to joke around with people at work, I can't. It's not that I shouldn't or that I don't want to ... it's that I can't." After that, the night ended on a sour note as I was a little short with her, and told her to enjoy her trip and that's the last I've spoken to her, which was Tuesday night. Normally we would be texting/calling about every other day, but I decided to not make contact with her this time while she's gone, and she hasn't initiated any to me, either. This whole situation has me asking several questions: A. Why would she get into this whole ordeal, knowing from day 1 that she wouldn't be able to take it to the next level because of her position at work? Has it all been for the attention? B. She obviously knows by now that I'm interested in more than friendship, so if the situation is so threatening to her job, why has she continued to show interest in me, both at and away from work? Why didn't she tell me the very first time I asked her out that it would be best if we just be friends? Or better yet, why in the hell hasn't she told me she's seeing someone? Or since there's no commitment, do you think she's obligated to tell me about him? C. What should be my next move? She knows I'm interested, so it would be pointless to spell things out for her. Should I just back off and move on? I guess I'm just sick and tired of getting vague answers. She has absolutely no problem with being 100% honest and open with me about anything else, but when it comes to this situation, she's as vague as vague gets. Why doesn't she just say "I do want to go, but I can't because it would be a conflict of interest ... I do like you though, so let's be friends for now and see how things unfold" or "Oh, we used to work together, I've known him for years ... we've been seeing each other for a while" or "You're buying me things, and you shouldn't be ... it's not good because I think we should just be friends" Good God, it's not that hard!
kdark Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Half the fun in flirting is the ambiguity of it all. To me it seems she just wants to have a fun, attractive guy to flirt with at work, and nothing more. If I were you I would forget about trying to date her and just ramp up the flirting with her. You might get the chance to screw her on your lunch break someday. She's obviously attracted, but not interested in committment.
Author 808 Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 She's obviously attracted, but not interested in committment. I'm an idiot. You're totally right ... if she wanted commitment of any type, she would be committed to this other guy. I mean, she's had plenty of time to decide if she likes him or not. So now your comment has me wondering if she's been so vague with me because she can tell that I'm interested in more of a commitment-type of relationship, rather than just something fun and casual? And that she never gives me the "let's be friends" or "I'm seeing someone" because she knows that will be the end of it and I'll move on?
kdark Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 And that she never gives me the "let's be friends" or "I'm seeing someone" because she knows that will be the end of it and I'll move on? This pretty much nails it on the head. She likes the flirting, but doesn't want it to go anywhere serious. And if she tells you she has bf or tells you that she isn't into committment, you will move on, and thus, the flirting will end. It sounds like she is just a tease.
GooseChaser Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 I'm an idiot. You're totally right ... if she wanted commitment of any type, she would be committed to this other guy. I mean, she's had plenty of time to decide if she likes him or not. This doesn't necessarily mean that she isn't interested in a committed relationship. It could always be the man who is on the fence about it too.
Author 808 Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 This doesn't necessarily mean that she isn't interested in a committed relationship. It could always be the man who is on the fence about it too. This is true, but I think it's highly unlikely. I hate to even bring this aspect into it because he could be the best match on the planet for her, but I'll put it this way: as far as looks go, on a scale of 1-10, she's a 15 ... and he's about a 3, on a good day. I think she can get away with being in this relationship with him for so long with no commitment because there's no way in a million years he'll be able to do better than her, as far as the physical aspect goes, and they both know that. That's just my take on it, though ... I could be wrong.
oliviahopkins Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Hi, I'm new here. However, as a woman, i'm gonna let you in on a little secret. A woman will do what she wants, when she wants. If she wants your gifts, attention, etc, she'd take them. Want to see if she's interested or not? Quit chasing her. Be friendly, but get busy, and most of all, make sure she knows that you have other options, be seen with women as powerful and beautiful as she is. That will get her thinking. Good Luck
seibert253 Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 This pretty much nails it on the head. She likes the flirting, but doesn't want it to go anywhere serious. And if she tells you she has bf or tells you that she isn't into committment, you will move on, and thus, the flirting will end. It sounds like she is just a tease. ^^^^^^ This She likes the attention she's getting from you, but because she IS in a relationship, she's not allowing it to go further. See it for what it is and stop "reading" into her. Move on and seek your princess elsewhere.
sweet sugar Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 I think she is probably with this guy because he is loaded (financially, anyway). She would date you, but doesn't want to lose the sugar daddy.
Author 808 Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 Want to see if she's interested or not? Quit chasing her. Be friendly, but get busy, and most of all, make sure she knows that you have other options, be seen with women as powerful and beautiful as she is. That will get her thinking. Good Luck So for the last week, I've taken this advice. When she's walked by my desk, I have either seemed too busy to acknowledge her, or I have looked up and smiled for just a second and continued with my work, where as normally, I would have stopped what I was doing completely and started talking to her. Also, I have had one of my best girl friends (absolutely beautiful, but in a serious relationship ... however, this woman has no idea that we're just friends) come up from another building to visit me on occasion, and she has passed by and seen her talking/flirting with me. All of my texts and calls have stopped, as well. Friday, I acknowledged her once all day with a smile, and she came up to my desk at the end of the day and started making small talk. Then she said "You've been quiet, what's up?" I just told her that I've been busy with a lot of things lately. Then I told her that I was leaving for the day, so she asked me if I could stay and help her carry a few things that were too heavy for her. Ok, 1. these things weren't heavy at all ... she didn't need help, and 2. there were 100 other people on the floor who could have helped her who weren't leaving for the day. So I helped her and she said "Thanks, I have one more thing to do which shouldn't take long, and I'm outta here, too." Normally, I would have stayed and walked out with her, and she knows that, but instead I said "Alright, well I'm out. Have a good weekend!" and left. Think she's getting the hint now?
Ms. Joolie Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 It sounds to me like this woman is in relationship limbo like I am. She IS still in a relationship with that other guy, but she is on the fence about it and she's been looking out. There's something missing in that relationship she has, and consequently she's been eating up the attention you've been giving her. She's not wanting to give you the green light yet though, because she really is still in a relationship. You made a good choice to just back off for awhile. She misses your attention, but until you are clear on her relationship status things are going to be murky.
EasyHeart Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Keep your distance until/if she is available. Right now, she is trying to use you for the emotional support she doesn't get from her boyfriend. Basically, she gives to him and he gives nothing in return, so she turns to you. Then you give to her, but she gives nothing back. She is using you. Without you attention, she would have to force herself to realistically assess her relationship, which is something she doesn't want to do. Giving her attention will actually help her loser boyfriend. Keep doing what you're doing. Most likely, she will find someone else to fill her emotional void once you stop, rather than do the smart thing and get rid of her loser boyfriend. But at least she'll stop taking from you without giving anything back. That's a no-win situation for you.
jenifer1972 Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 She loves the attention. Why would she give it up if she doesn't have to? She is "mind f///ing you"... Look at the way she is treating the guy she has been dating for a year..She won't even acknowledge he has a special place in her life, yet I bet he thinks their relationship is more than what she says. From bitter experience in life I have learned that if I see someone I like treat someone else BADLY, I no longer assume I will be the EXCEPTION to that treatment, but rather, that I am just NEXT in LINE for the treatment...
Author 808 Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 Keep doing what you're doing. Most likely, she will find someone else to fill her emotional void once you stop I once thought this for a while too, but I'm beginning to believe that that won't happen. There are literally 5,000 people where we work, and I've known and seen guys that could get anyone they wanted trying to talk to her and flirt with her, and she shuts them down quickly. In the six months that I've known her, I've rarely seen her talk to another guy, and never have I seen her flirt with anyone. Seems to me that if attention is all she wanted, she would be getting it from anyone and everyone she chose. I continued my behavior today, and she did the exact same thing today that she did Friday: she waited until I was leaving to ask me to help her with something (again, something she really didn't need help with). Keep in mind, I don't even work for her, we just happen to work on the same floor. She's never asked me for help with anything until last week, and she's asked three times now, except this time when I was finished, she left and walked out with me. And she's texted me twice in the last three days. I can't remember the last time she was the one to initiate a conversation away from work.
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