zengirl Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 My boyfriend has been really stressed and going through some stuff lately -- he's been busy with errands that drive him mad, and he had some crappy stuff happen to him in the past two weeks. I tried to help him with his errands, and he seemed to appreciate that. And I was off for a few weeks, so that wasn't a problem. At this point, I'm going to get busy too again, and it's also just. . . I know he appreciates the help, but it doesn't really seem like I'm able to help with the core problems. Understandable. Basically, I've just backed way off and let him have his space (except we hung out and went out with friends, etc, a bit last night/this morning for NYE, of course) and plan to continue doing so. He still texts me and stuff, and sometimes he mentions all the stressors, but I don't really know what to say. He doesn't make plans (I figure he's busy, and that's fine, so I don't either). I don't want him to feel pressured, but I also don't want him to feel abandoned, like I don't care, or he has to do extra work with me too, or I've forgotten about him because he doesn't happen to be his happy, shiny self lately. So, here's the question: MEN: When you're stressed, how do you like your SO to act? Is backing off helpful or harmful? WOMEN: How do you generally act when your SO is really stressed? With my boyfriend, it's difficult because he's so good, and he never wants to drag anyone else down or make anyone else unhappy. So, he'll talk to me about his stress, but I know he downplays it. But I also think this kind of helps him, so I let him. I just want him to feel appreciated and supported, but I'm not sure I'm doing a good job.
kdark Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Whenever I was stressed, I always appreciated it when my ex would ask me if there was anything she could to help whenever I brought up what was stressing me. Even if I knew that there was nothing that she could do, I still appreciated the offer. Just be very supportive, understanding, and thoughtful while he is going through whatever is bothering him.
Keridan Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Wow, you rock. When things are tough, you are doing the best thing you can imo. Let him know you care about him and are there to help with errands, emotional needs, etc. On top of it, don't push him. Space is fine and good as long as he knows you are there when he needs you. I am not one to really talk much about myself. I kind of consider my problems my own. I have had a few girlfriends in the past who would push or try to drag it out of me. That really doesn't help. I will talk when I need to. Things get tough sometimes. It sucks, but it happens. Best thing in the world during those times is when you have someone who will try to be the only easy and comfortable thing in your life. You are on the right path. Keep up the support!
AverageJoe Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 If you want him to feel appreciated you would drop down on your knees and take care of business for him. If you are as long winded in real life as you are here, I know he would appreciate that as an added bonus. Am I being harsh? Nope, being real. For those that are fragile eggshells of an emotional person, probably. But we are talking about a man here. You want to relieve his stress? You take this man aside after a long day and you treat him like the only person in the world. You get your ass sexy, tell him how hot he makes you and you do things to him in the bedroom a porn actress might do. Lavish this man in ways that would make him question the terra firma. Then leave him be a bit to wonder what the hell just happened all the while you sit back with a smile on your face. Why? Because you just relieved this mans stress.
Author zengirl Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 Whenever I was stressed, I always appreciated it when my ex would ask me if there was anything she could to help whenever I brought up what was stressing me. Even if I knew that there was nothing that she could do, I still appreciated the offer. Just be very supportive, understanding, and thoughtful while he is going through whatever is bothering him. Thanks. I have done that, and I'll continue to ask if I can do anything, etc, every so often. Wow, you rock. When things are tough, you are doing the best thing you can imo. Let him know you care about him and are there to help with errands, emotional needs, etc. On top of it, don't push him. Space is fine and good as long as he knows you are there when he needs you. I am not one to really talk much about myself. I kind of consider my problems my own. I have had a few girlfriends in the past who would push or try to drag it out of me. That really doesn't help. I will talk when I need to. Things get tough sometimes. It sucks, but it happens. Best thing in the world during those times is when you have someone who will try to be the only easy and comfortable thing in your life. You are on the right path. Keep up the support! I am trying to find a balance -- give him space, but also let him feel like I am still here, "on his team" so to speak. We talked a few minutes ago, and I feel more on the right track. He called to vent a bit. But also, when he does bring it up, I never really know what to say. I don't know if he wants me to play the girl role and just listen or actually to help him problem-solve. I'm a problem solver, but sometimes I worry my way of dealing with it and problem-solving would just stress him out, so I mostly just listen and try to make him feel heard. If you want him to feel appreciated you would drop down on your knees and take care of business for him. If you are as long winded in real life as you are here, I know he would appreciate that as an added bonus. Am I being harsh? Nope, being real. For those that are fragile eggshells of an emotional person, probably. But we are talking about a man here. You want to relieve his stress? You take this man aside after a long day and you treat him like the only person in the world. You get your ass sexy, tell him how hot he makes you and you do things to him in the bedroom a porn actress might do. Lavish this man in ways that would make him question the terra firma. Then leave him be a bit to wonder what the hell just happened all the while you sit back with a smile on your face. Why? Because you just relieved this mans stress. Believe me, we have a fantastic sex life, stress or no stress, that makes him very happy. But that only lasts so long and goes so far (in terms of affection and relationship building) with a quality man like my BF. Not that I'm saying you're wrong that sex is a great stress reliever. It is. Of course, my boyfriend doesn't treat sex quite as crudely as you did in this post. Not the kind of guy he is. I'm speaking more to the best methods of communication here.
Keridan Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 I am trying to find a balance -- give him space, but also let him feel like I am still here, "on his team" so to speak. We talked a few minutes ago, and I feel more on the right track. He called to vent a bit. But also, when he does bring it up, I never really know what to say. I don't know if he wants me to play the girl role and just listen or actually to help him problem-solve. I'm a problem solver, but sometimes I worry my way of dealing with it and problem-solving would just stress him out, so I mostly just listen and try to make him feel heard. You are doing fine just listening. There may be no solution or that may not be what he wants to hear. Often just telling him you love him and listening patiently is the very best option around. Problem solver is great, when it's a problem to be solved. Often it's just a matter of pushing through and support is what is needed. I know how you feel, though, I'm a solver, too. You have exactly the right idea. Keep it up and when it calms down, give him a quick lecture on how lucky he is
AverageJoe Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 But that only lasts so long and goes so far (in terms of affection and relationship building) with a quality man like my BF. It only lasts so long, for you.
Yer_Blues Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 I don't have a lot of expertise or experience to offer, but it seems to me like you are doing exactly what you should be doing. You sound very supportive and are probably a great asset to have around when things get stressful. The way that you discuss the issue and approach it in general indicates an admirable level of genuine selflessness and desire to be a good partner. I'm sure he really appreciates you taking on this role, even if he may not be entirely obvious.
Star Gazer Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 If you want him to feel appreciated you would drop down on your knees and take care of business for him. I was going to suggest just that. You may have a great sex life, but when's the last time you made it all about him, no additional pressures to please you in return? Just a thought. Otherwise, I'm a little concerned about him being so stressed over little things like errands and unspecified crappy stuff that he wouldn't be himself lately. Is he the type that sweats the small stuff?
Yer_Blues Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 I was going to suggest just that. You may have a great sex life, but when's the last time you made it all about him, no additional pressures to please you in return? Just a thought. Otherwise, I'm a little concerned about him being so stressed over little things like errands and unspecified crappy stuff that he wouldn't be himself lately. Is he the type that sweats the small stuff? She said some crap has happened to him in the last few weeks and he has been going through some stuff. Anything can become stressful or a challenge when you are in this kind of position.
Author zengirl Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 I was going to suggest just that. You may have a great sex life, but when's the last time you made it all about him, no additional pressures to please you in return? Just a thought. I'm not going to get into details about my sex life, but yes, we do plenty of that and have from the beginning. Fantastic sex life all around. Otherwise, I'm a little concerned about him being so stressed over little things like errands and unspecified crappy stuff that he wouldn't be himself lately. Is he the type that sweats the small stuff? No, and they aren't little errands. He's definitely not easily stressed (anyone would be stressed by the **** he's dealing with, and it is temporary and will be over, one way or another, and hopefully well) and I don't blame him in any way for the state of things. He's a keeper.
Author zengirl Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 What specifically is stressing him out? It's a business situation. He's a partner in a tech company, that currently has a single major product, and they're going to be selling it and re-forming it. At first, it seemed like he'd make a lot of money. Long-term, since he'll still be a partner, he might, but he might lose an uncomfortable (though not massive) amount in the meantime, if everything doesn't go smoothly. And it's on him to make things go smoothly, as his other partners seem to be checked out. He's not getting much support at work. He also has to move ASAP (temporarily) because there was a fire that did some damage to his house, and it involves a lot of insurance paperwork, scheduling, errands, and stuff he hates doing. He doesn't have a lot of his stuff, etc, has to buy lots of things. Didn't have internet for a few days when he really needed it. So, pardon the pun, that was fuel to the stress fire.
Star Gazer Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 I don't know why you're so defensive. These are just questions to help understand the situation better. With as vague as you're being, it's difficult to help. But in short, everyone handles stress differently and needs their partner to deal with it differently. Some need space. Some need support. Some need assistance. Some want you to stay out of it. You'll get just as great a variety of responses here. As such, I would suggest talking to him about what he needs and wants from you, as well as what would make this stressful time easier for him.
AverageJoe Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Fantastic sex life all around. Ever thought he does not think it as fantastic as you do?
Author zengirl Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 Ever thought he does not think it as fantastic as you do? Pretty sure I know my boyfriend and our sexual relationship better than you do in this regard, so no. I don't know why you're so defensive. These are just questions to help understand the situation better. With as vague as you're being, it's difficult to help. But in short, everyone handles stress differently and needs their partner to deal with it differently. Some need space. Some need support. Some need assistance. Some want you to stay out of it. You'll get just as great a variety of responses here. As such, I would suggest talking to him about what he needs and wants from you, as well as what would make this stressful time easier for him. I wasn't being defensive, and I just outlined part of the situation, though since it is HIS and not mine, I was initially trying to stay slightly vague, as I don't like gossip. At any rate, I'm just asking for ideas in general. Why is that upsetting to you?
Yer_Blues Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 I get the feeling that some people are so used to tumultuous relationships that they look for red flags when they aren't even there and when it's not even the task at hand.
AverageJoe Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Pretty sure I know my boyfriend and our sexual relationship better than you do in this regard, so no. I never claimed to know it. I guess you disregarded the idea of that all together. Ok, carry on.
Author zengirl Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 I get the feeling that some people are so used to tumultuous relationships that they look for red flags when they aren't even there and when it's not even the task at hand. Hmm. . . maybe. And yes, I don't think the advice to ask him what he needs is bad, but I'd never do it quite the way I did here, to strangers, because then he'd feel pressured to make me feel better about making him feel better. Which is why I've been backing off a little, because I was worried that was happening. I know my BF. He is a great guy and a people-pleaser, and so important to him to make me happy, which right now isn't something I want him to worry about generally, as I'm going through a good, up period, and he has enough to worry about. (Not that I want him to become an insensitive jerk! But I can't see that happening. )
northern_sky Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 (edited) I know my BF. He is a great guy and a people-pleaser, and so important to him to make me happy, which right now isn't something I want him to worry about generally, as I'm going through a good, up period, and he has enough to worry about. (Not that I want him to become an insensitive jerk! But I can't see that happening. ) People pleasers often have a harder time dealing with stress, because they may de-prioritize their own needs, or aren't even fully aware of their needs. In addition, because they feel responsible for the happiness of others, any added stress to that burden can be hard for them to take. Sometimes they also have trouble expressing their anxiety because they don't want to make other people feel bad. Just a different personality style, and something to keep in mind. That said, it sounds like your bf isn't so extreme in his PPing to impede his functioning or ability to have a healthy relationship. With that in mind, and having dated a couple of PPs, I think the best thing you can do is to do things for him, since he's probably always doing things for others. Even if you already do a lot for him, step it up. Bring him lunch, give him massages, make him breakfast, etc. And don't even ask, just do it. If you ask, he'll probably refuse because of his PP-ness. Also, is he more of a thinker or more of a doer? If he's more of a doer, then he'll probably appreciate your loving actions more than talking it out. Or maybe some balance of the two, depending on his personality. Edited January 2, 2011 by northern_sky
northern_sky Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 (edited) Btw, because he's a people pleaser, he's not going to be able to turn off that internal pressure to make you happy. It will always be there no matter what you do or say. Just accept it, and don't try to convince him you're fine by telling him that you are. He hears you, but he'll probably still feel that anxiety, because it's habit. The best you can do is continue to show him through actions that you are independent and happy. And maybe give him a wee bit of space, if you haven't already. Also try not to rely on him for any emotional support right now. And yes, def time to break out his favorite toy in the bedroom. Edited January 2, 2011 by northern_sky
Star Gazer Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Why is that upsetting to you? I can't fathom a reason why I'd be upset about your BF's stress or how you're handling it. Your responses in this thread were somewhat defensive, that's all.
Author zengirl Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 People pleasers often have a harder time dealing with stress, because they may de-prioritize their own needs, or aren't even fully aware of their needs. In addition, because they feel responsible for the happiness of others, any added stress to that burden can be hard for them to take. Sometimes they also have trouble expressing their anxiety because they don't want to make other people feel bad. Just a different personality style, and something to keep in mind. That said, it sounds like your bf isn't so extreme in his PPing to impede his functioning or ability to have a healthy relationship. No. I don't think he's unhealthy either. We are both people-pleasers to an extent, but we both have a lot of self-respect and know who we are. So, it's not like he's a doormat PP type of guy, just very considerate and attentive. But I feel like he needs to recharge right now, and I know it's hard for him, because he always wants to make sure and keep me happy. Though I am happy! It's lucky that this happened at a time when I had some free time and less stress than usual, even. With that in mind, and having dated a couple of PPs, I think the best thing you can do is to do things for him, since he's probably always doing things for others. Even if you already do a lot for him, step it up. Bring him lunch, give him massages, make him breakfast, etc. And don't even ask, just do it. If you ask, he'll probably refuse because of his PP-ness. Yes, this is the stuff I've been trying to do. I guess I was worried it was starting to make him feel more guilty and stressed, so I pulled back a bit. I don't want to do that stuff for me if it increases his stress level, you know? Also, is he more of a thinker or more of a doer? If he's more of a doer, then he'll probably appreciate your loving actions more than talking it out. Or maybe some balance of the two, depending on his personality. We only talk it out when he calls to talk about it. I don't bring it up. Mainly, because if it were me, I'd not want to talk about it all the time, I guess. . . but I think that's how most people are. He's a thinker, probably. Not that he doesn't get things done, but he's very introspective.
Author zengirl Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 (edited) I can't fathom a reason why I'd be upset about your BF's stress or how you're handling it. Your responses in this thread were somewhat defensive, that's all. I was a bit taken aback about the sexual stuff, because I don't tend to talk about my sex life with strangers on the internet (especially when it's brought up by a poster who I feel treats women as sexual objects on a regular basis, in a way men like my BF do not). Other than that, I don't think I was defensive, and I tried even to be patient and reasonable with that. I just answered your questions as asked. Edited January 2, 2011 by zengirl
northern_sky Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Yes, this is the stuff I've been trying to do. I guess I was worried it was starting to make him feel more guilty and stressed, so I pulled back a bit. I don't want to do that stuff for me if it increases his stress level, you know? Right. You were probably worried he would feel pressured to sort of return the favors or give you more attention if you doted on him too much. Do you really think doing that stuff for him was increasing his stress? I mean did anything in his response indicate that?
Author zengirl Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 Right. You were probably worried he would feel pressured to sort of return the favors or give you more attention if you doted on him too much. Do you really think doing that stuff for him was increasing his stress? I mean did anything in his response indicate that? It was just sort of a feeling. He didn't say it, and I'm not sure if that was increasing his stress, or if his stress was just increasing. But it does seem to be getting higher in general. Really, in the end, there is probably not TOO much I can do about it. He's going to be stressed, and that's understandable, and I can accept it. I'm just trying to take extra care to be a help and not a hindrance, because he deserves all the support he can get.
Recommended Posts