goldenrainbow Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 (edited) I have recently ended my toxic abusive relationship and I think that it is my duty to write here some warning signs, some red flags you should pay attention to when in a relationship. I wish I had known how to spot these red fags when I met my ex. I am currently struggling with my low self-esteem after a one-year relationship with a controlling, verbally abusive, possessive and jealous man. I wish I had known how to spot the red flags when I met him. I am half the woman I was before I met him. I will get my pieces back, but here are my red flags: 1. When it seems like a fairy tale too quickly. that's because it's really too good to be true. When he acts like prince charming, courting you like mad, doing EVERYTHING to please you and telling you I LOVE you in a matter of days...please, that's a huge red flag. Relationships and true love should move on slowly, or at least not that quick! 2. Persistence in commitment: talking about moving in together or marrying you (this guy proposed to me ONE week after we met..). That is their trick to get you under control. His prince charming mask is not easy to keep very long, so they need you to be under his total control ASAP 3. Beware of constant phone calls and texts. These guys just want to control each and every step you take. It's not love, it's an obsession. I had this guy texting me every 5 minutes (no kidding). 4. Making "scenes" if you want to go out for a coffee with a friend. They say "if you want to spend time with her it's time you're not spending with me. IF it's really your girl friend you're meeting and NOT another man!" - extreme jealousy becomes a routine. Don't let a man isolate you from your friends. If something goes wrong, you will have to "gain "your friends back. Luckily the ones I have, even if I kept almost no contact with them for a year, they took me back with full open arms. 5. Giving up on things you like because of him - I found myself not going to the movies anymore (he didn't like going to the movies) or reading as often as I did because he wanted me to be with him ALL the time. NEVER give up on what you like doing because of a man. One thing is to give up on certain things, like going out partying with your girl friends - that's something that most of us naturally stop doing when we get involved in a commited relationship- no, I mean simple things like going out shopping on your own. Don't give up your OWN small pleasures in life because of a jealous man. 6. this is what I think to be the most important piece of advice. THink about ending the relationship if he EVER becomes verbally abusive. This is a patternm it's a cycle, they conquer you, they control you and then they start the abuse. they manipulate you, they lose their respect for you and start calling you names. then threats arrive. until one day you are this close to be punched in the face at your door like I was. NEVER, NEVER allow a man to disrespect you. If you are starting to go through this, get off that train right now. They don't change. It's pathological, they simply DO NOT change! They will apologize with flowers, they will be prince charming again until the vicious cycle begins again. Just wanted to leave this here. I am full of emotional wounds right now, that will slowly become scars. Self-esteem issues are not easy when inflicted by the man you love. Beware that someone who loves is someone who respects. I have a lot of healing ahead. Abuse pays no attention to age, gender or social status. It happens. have a great 2011 Edited January 2, 2011 by goldenrainbow
D78 Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 goldenrainbow, Congrats on finding the strength to end your abusive relationship. You say you are half the woman you were when you met him, but I bet that's not true. Abusive folks just make you feel like that, so they can keep you under control. Good luck with your healing.
Author goldenrainbow Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 goldenrainbow, Congrats on finding the strength to end your abusive relationship. You say you are half the woman you were when you met him, but I bet that's not true. Abusive folks just make you feel like that, so they can keep you under control. Good luck with your healing. thanks for your words, D78. Yes, I know about the how he makes me feeel thing. I am slowly regaining my trust and sef-esteem back. One day at a time. just wanted to leave my advice here, how I wished I had known what an abusive man looks like a year ago. But we always think "I am such an independent woman, I will never be in an abusive relationship!" well, guess what, it happens. al
Keridan Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Goldenrainbow, Just wanna throw out another "good for you!" comment. Not only is it great that you got away, but a wonderful thing that you want to share your lessons to try and help others. Creeps like that guy are disgusting! I don't have much to add to your advice except I've also seen guys like that start right in on male friends being a problem. Usually it starts out with him just not liking them, but later he tries to make them sound creepy and as if all they want from you is sex (cuz in creeper's mind, that's true). I hope you feel better and keep trying to help others!
ecm Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Thank you for the signs and for sharing that ugly part of your life with us. I am happy for you that you've gotten out of it! xo
kalena9488 Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 I finally got him to move out the day after Xmas. And now though we've only been together 2 years I have no self esteem or self confidence to do things on my own. I'm not real big on doing things with friends anyway but I do things with my mom and daughter (20) but he didn't even want me to do things with them. Problem is he's moved out but I don't know if I really want him out of my life. I know I should because of everthing that's gone on. You can search on my user name and see my posts I'm not sure how to link it. But, I think I'm feeling like maybe I want to work on us only becaue I'm afraid to be on my own. I don't know what to do.
Author goldenrainbow Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 I finally got him to move out the day after Xmas. And now though we've only been together 2 years I have no self esteem or self confidence to do things on my own. I'm not real big on doing things with friends anyway but I do things with my mom and daughter (20) but he didn't even want me to do things with them. Problem is he's moved out but I don't know if I really want him out of my life. I know I should because of everthing that's gone on. You can search on my user name and see my posts I'm not sure how to link it. But, I think I'm feeling like maybe I want to work on us only becaue I'm afraid to be on my own. I don't know what to do. Kalena...I got back to this guy after he called me a retard, after he said I wasn't worth S*** and after threatening to kill me over the phone. And what made me get back to him was how sweet he can be and my fear of being lonely. His mind games and controlling personality totally got me under his shoe. Hey, that's what these guys do: they MAKE you BELIEVE that no one will love you as much as they do, they totally damage your self-esteem up to a point where you think you really depend on this guy to be happy. Been there. When I first broke up with him I felt like dying. I had totally convinced myself I wouldn't survive without him. I started feeling miserable, lonely and could only think of the good moments with him, my mind almost instinctively ERASED the bad moments and his verbal abuse and death threat. And there I went, back into his arms. When one night almost a month ago I saw him totally out of control at my door threatening to beat me up, that was it. I struggled agaisnt the love I felt for him and decided that it was final. He has beem surrounding me, I know that he passes by my door once in a while. This is what happened on NEw Year's Eve http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t259084/ Unlike the other times he called me names and threatened me, this time I didn't cry a single tear! I WANT this man out of my life for good. WE have to learn how to say no and be able to move on with our lives. During this last month I feel a different woman, I am not suicidal anymore as I was when with him, I have bought new clothes, I go to the cinema, meet up with friends, I am getting my social life back. Kalena, it leaves scars. But it's better for us to have scars than to keep an open wound and pouring salt into it. Just one more thing, with guys like this, NC is crucial, that's the only thing that works. DO NOT answer phone calls or answer any text.
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