lost_and_lonely Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 Hi there, Not sure where to start really, I am pretty much in bits and have been for a long time now. I was with my H for 20 years and have a child together, we were soul mates, simple as that - we had our issues but generally we were a very strong connected couple to a point that some people envied. As well as being husband and wife we were also best friends. To cut a long story short, about three years ago - H had an affair with my so called best friend. I was devistated and I could not come to terms or understand why he would hurt me like that. I dont want to go into the inns and outs of why he had that affair, its more complicated than you would think - but the end result after a lot of heartache was I forgave him - and I did, I completely forgave him. No checking, no regrets. The one thing that I did enforce was that on no account would he ever contact the OW again, if we ever had a chance that we would survive this. Time passed and things seemed to go ok, but then again, H hurt me, he did not have an affair this time but he just kept pushing that he wanted us to go to swingers clubs etc to put spice back into our life. I felt that I had to, to keep him. Somehow after that affair, our relationship just wasn't what it was before. I think he hurt me (emotionally) quite a few times, my family remember more than I do because I tend to forgive him and then forget. I get confused now about what happenned as I had a breakdown, so forgive me if things dont make sense as I write them down. There was a lot going on at the time, not just H but family problems too and I had too many things to deal with, so I didn't and I stopped, broke down, could not eat, work, get up and even tried committing suicide. I was squashed, defeated..in this time I bought a house, and the breakdown occurred after realising I just could not live in it. The house represented a new start without H, I am also very disabled and realised living alone in this house would be practically impossible. To cut a long story short again, (a lot happenned that would be imposible to write out), I was unable to make any sort of decision, so my family and H stepped in and ordered me to stay where I was in the house I could practically live in until at least I could recover from the breakdown. The new house was rented out and for the time being at least is off my shoulders. H finally at this point moved out and rented somewhere nearby. At this point we announced ourselves 'separated'. This was about 4 months ago. We had been seperated on and off before this (and after the affair), but were co-habitting. Since this time I have been in a state of limbo - you see the real problem is this - my heart is screaming out to me that I really need to leave H for good - he continues to hurt me emotionally. I am a wreck. I am telling myself that I need to become distant to him so that he cant hurt me anymore - my family really despise him for what he has put me through - they remember. Sometimes I think about what it would be like to be with another person who wants me for who I am, a nice uncomplicated relationship. I even fantasise about dating a certain person who I work with (completely opposite to H in every way) - BUT the big but is, the other side of me remembers the connected and wonderful life we had before all this blew up and wishes we could just turn the clock back a few years before it all happenned. Is it normal to even feel sorry for H - I am a very emotional person and very in tune with other peoples feelings and I feel really sorry for him - I know he is hurting because he says he wants me back, he wants to turn the clock back too - he says he has only ever loved me. I am in limbo, I cant go forward and I cant go back - to make matters worse I recently find out he contacted the OW again from that affair (recent contact with her) - he claims he wanted to talk with her to try and understand why he had that affair and to make sure it would never happen again - he claims it was to do with a self-discovery mission he was on to make our relationship better if we were to get back together again. Everyone around me is disgusted with him, and so am I - I told him that if he was in contact with OW then he would not even have a friendship with me. But again - I find myself in limbo, is he really trying to fix our relationship? again - half of me just wants to walk away now as there is only so much I can take, but the other half who still loves him terribly wants to just try again. I miss him, I am lonely and not really coping and sometimes he was the only person who would be there for me when family were not. I sit here in tears as I ache for life to be back the way it used to be. Now everything is horrible, my family and friends dispise H but I feel sorry for him because sometimes he is misunderstood and I know he has a large heart and is truly sorry for what he did - but how many times can I continue to be hurt by him as well - I need some happiness now but I cant seem to break away and move forward. Time for me isn't healing me but its just getting worse. Sorry a long post and probably doesnt make much sense - I needed to get it it all written down - some direction, advice, thoughts would be much apprieciated - I am a bit lost.
goldenrainbow Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 Wow. Not easy. Hard to understand how the love of our life and best friend can betray us... You do realize that trust has been broken, not once but twice, and you know that a third time is always a risk. So the question you have to ask yourself is "am I willing to take that risk?" As for loneliness, it's part of the process. If you decide to break up for good, you will go through the mourning process where you will miss him A LOT. but hey, there is LIFE after a breakup. If you decide to stay, you should set the boundaries clear, always having in mind that this is no guarantee of anything whatsoever. The answer should be in your heart, but keep it rational.
Author lost_and_lonely Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 I fear that if I decide to stay with him, my family would not understand. They really dont get on with him anymore. Also H says that if we ever did get back together he would want to move away and start again fresh. I am very close to my family and hate the thought of betraying them for him, if that makes sense? Oh god this is awful, I wish time would just go back. I am scared to death of life without him. For years I was very dependant on him, to the point that I could not leave the house without him due to my disability. That has now eased a bit as I now use a power chair but sometimes I still need his help and I still care about him so much I just dont want to hurt him. It tore me apart when I had to tell him to go home at christmas because my family would not come round if he was at my house. (He came round for the morning to be there when our daughter opened her presents.). But again, in writing this I sound very weak and needy and I know I shouldnt be like this, I need to show my daughter I am strong, my heart is telling me I cannot do this anymore but I also cant move away from it either and as always H always leaves the ball in my court - I am always the one left to make the ultimate decision.
goldenrainbow Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 LostandLonely, you are acting as if you are needy because you FEEL you are needy. You have relied on this man for 20 years! I tell you what, I've gotten out of a one-year (ONE YEAR, YES) relationship and i thought I could not live without him! So, yes, you will be somehow lost without him, sometimes it feels like a limb is missing, and whenever you touch it's like it's still there and hurts like hell. I chose to end my relationship for several reasons, and in the last few weeks I have reaized that I just miss the good moments, and the good moments I will keep in my memory, but all the bad this guy has done...all the hurt, pain and deception... you suddenly WAKE UP! You think you depend on him? you depend on him as we all do in our routines. But if routines change, we have to adapr ourselves, and with time we DO adjust!
Graceful Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Sorry for your pain, you are obviously in immense turmoil and you have every reason to feel that way. Your world has been turned upside down, but you already know that the clock does not turn back, not for any of us. And you should also know that even if you moved away (which you already know you cannot do), you and your husband will just pack up your issues, problems, traumas, pain, lack of trust, sexual problems and all the other broken parts of your marriage right along with you. Do not kid yourself into thinking a geographic move will change anything for you. It will not. It will only make it worse because then you will not even have the support of your family, which you need. Stop wishing that you could turn the clock back. It's not productive and you need all of your energy to move forward. It is a very scary proposition to think about life with out him, but you already know you have to end your marriage, or it will cost you a lot more than you have already paid in your mental and physical health, both of which are being destroyed. The price is too high for you to trust your husband any longer. Don't let fear drive you away from making that decision. Most of us spend a large portion of our lives fearing something, I know I do, but do you know what I do with my fears? I confront them and push through them. I don't know what your disability is, and I am sorry to hear about it, but the stress you are living with is the worst thing for your health. Call your health plan asap and get and appointment with a therapist and vent your feelings and ask how you can get started to map out a plan to leave your husband and get on a new track. You cannot stay with him. Your marriage is a very destructive force in your life. Your old marriage died. The man who you used to love has disappeared; he is now someone beyond recognition, the trust has evaporated, and you don't have faith in him. He is a liar. He has caused you irreparable damage. Please stop the magical thinking and get some help. I need to show my daughter I am strong, my heart is telling me I cannot do this anymore but I also cant move away from it either and as always H always leaves the ball in my court - I am always the one left to make the ultimate decisionYes, you do. If your daughter grew up and found herself in this situation, wouldn't you tell her to leave? You can do this, just get started by getting help and getting the ball rolling. Take care.
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