GoingInsane Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 I guess I want to make myself feel better by hoping it is! I found out the other day that my ex of 3 months cheated on me while we were together (despite denying it when I asked at the time and after we split). They are now "kind of together" whatever that means - but they're definitely seeing each other. The person she cheated with is a serial cheat - 15 yr LTR but several affairs that I'm aware of. The LTR has ended, I don't know if they left to be with my ex or were kicked out by the LTR. I hear the phrase once a cheat, always a cheat and that has been most definitely true of the person in the LTR. But can the two cheats now be perfectly happy together and never stray again? Or will it crash and burn? Does it matter whether the other person left their LTR of their own accord to be with my ex or was kicked out? I just hate the thought of them sailing off into the sunset together. Although they're keeping their relationship very very quiet.
NoLongerSad Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 Your ex is a cheat and she wound up with a cheat. There is nothing for you to dwell upon or obsess over. Birds of a feather often flock together. You need to move beyond this and the sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to focus on finding a good woman.
2010_Sorry Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Your ex is a cheat and she wound up with a cheat. There is nothing for you to dwell upon or obsess over. Birds of a feather often flock together. You need to move beyond this and the sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to focus on finding a good woman. Absolutely!! But to answer your question.... yes, their relationship is doomed.
seibert253 Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 They will crash and burn, and guess who she'll come running back to? Unless you want to go through this again with her, because chances are she will cheat again, don't be there. If you really want to heal and get past this, you need to completely kick her to the curb and move on.
MichiganMan222 Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 The number I heard was 5%. When someone cheats ending a relationship, and ends up with the person they cheated with, they have a 5% chance of survival. That doesn't even include when BOTH were cheaters (just the one). So I imagine a double-cheat scenario is in the fractions. So if I were you, I'd make a big bowl of popcorn, sit back and watch the drama unfold. As someone said above, you can expect a call from your cheater attempting to reciprocate after the wheels fall off. Enjoy the karma about to be unleashed. I'm sure it will taste sweet.
Distant78 Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Find someone who will NEVER cheat on you. Like the others have said, she'll probably come running back to you after it's all said and done.
Distant78 Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 I am going to come off like a prick, for that I apologize, but I want to let you know it can get better. I know your upset, but you did the best thing possible by releasing her from your life. Girls like that are toxic. You want to feel better. Worry about you. Don't worry about what she is doing or what they are doing because the staunch reality is they don't care about you. Go no contact. No answered text, take her off email, block her. Yes we know it is gonna crash and burn but down over think it. You have a whole life ahead of you filled with great women who can be faithful and honest. As hard as this may sound, you simply have to pretent like she never existed. They are sailing into the sunset together, I guarantee they will be broken up before you can say Happy Valentines Day, but that is not your problem. Stand firm, don't have any contact with her, and don't be a doormat. Great post. Really good advice. GoingInsane, follow this. Not every woman in this world is a liar and a cheater. Just got to be willing to find that real special person. This girl was not the one. She's far from it.
Author GoingInsane Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 Thanks for the replies. I broke off all contact with her yesterday - texts, phone, Facebook everything. I don't think she'll come running back to me, and if she did, she would be kicked to the curb pretty damn quickly. I think they had an affair but then broke it off a few months ago - before my ex split with me. I don't think she left me for this affair, she gave me all sorts of other reasons why we were breaking up (most of them my fault) - surely she wouldn't be that cruel to blame me if she was still having the affair?? Through mutual friends I also know that she wasn't doing much after we split either, just work, home, work...etc. I think their relationship started up again just very recently because my ex has been desperately trying to stay friends with me since we split. Why would she do that? She's let me feel guilty about why the relationship failed and saw that I was beating myself up about things. Our "friendship" had quite a few ups and downs - but since Dec she has been texting me almost every day, phoning me, coming to my house once a week etc. Why would she do that knowing she was with the lover and how much it would hurt me if I ever found out? She even used to let me buy her dinner or cook for her, surely nobody is that cruel? Just one more thing. I do know I've got to move on and stop even thinking about it, but I just want some second opinions - she left me questioning my sanity and judgement, whenever I asked her about this other guy, she was so clear in her denials, made everything sound so plausable. I saw an IM between her and a friend (that's when I knew for sure that they'd had an affair and have restarted now). And that's when I cut all contact. In it she says "well I was seiing C (me) then i had an affair with my colleague J so me and C split up and im kind of seeing him but its complicated cause he was with someone else and they have just split up so no one can know about us" What's with the "kind of seeing"? Are they together or not? Don't worry, I'm not wanting her back, she's a lying cheating bitch, but if they've both left their partners, why the big secret?
Distant78 Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Thanks for the replies. I broke off all contact with her yesterday - texts, phone, Facebook everything. I don't think she'll come running back to me, and if she did, she would be kicked to the curb pretty damn quickly. I think they had an affair but then broke it off a few months ago - before my ex split with me. I don't think she left me for this affair, she gave me all sorts of other reasons why we were breaking up (most of them my fault) - surely she wouldn't be that cruel to blame me if she was still having the affair?? Through mutual friends I also know that she wasn't doing much after we split either, just work, home, work...etc. I think their relationship started up again just very recently because my ex has been desperately trying to stay friends with me since we split. Why would she do that? She's let me feel guilty about why the relationship failed and saw that I was beating myself up about things. Our "friendship" had quite a few ups and downs - but since Dec she has been texting me almost every day, phoning me, coming to my house once a week etc. Why would she do that knowing she was with the lover and how much it would hurt me if I ever found out? She even used to let me buy her dinner or cook for her, surely nobody is that cruel? Just one more thing. I do know I've got to move on and stop even thinking about it, but I just want some second opinions - she left me questioning my sanity and judgement, whenever I asked her about this other guy, she was so clear in her denials, made everything sound so plausable. I saw an IM between her and a friend (that's when I knew for sure that they'd had an affair and have restarted now). And that's when I cut all contact. In it she says "well I was seiing C (me) then i had an affair with my colleague J so me and C split up and im kind of seeing him but its complicated cause he was with someone else and they have just split up so no one can know about us" What's with the "kind of seeing"? Are they together or not? Don't worry, I'm not wanting her back, she's a lying cheating bitch, but if they've both left their partners, why the big secret? She's trying to be friends with you to lessen her guilt about cheating on you. She wants to have you as a safety net when things go wrong with the other guys she's screwing. Keep no contact between you and her and stay vigilant about it. She's just trying to suck you back into her manipulating ways. And don't listen to her explanations on why you guys split. She was just blameshifting her affair on you, to make you seem like it's your fault for tearing up the relationship. You didn't make her cheat. She decided to do that on her own. Keep no contact and move on with your life.
Author GoingInsane Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 Cheers guys. You both are completely right, my head knows that and my heart is slowly listening. Just every so often, a thought of her off doing something with the new lover pops into my head and my heart drops. Hopefully those thoughts will stop in time (please tell me they do!)
Distant78 Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Cheers guys. You both are completely right, my head knows that and my heart is slowly listening. Just every so often, a thought of her off doing something with the new lover pops into my head and my heart drops. Hopefully those thoughts will stop in time (please tell me they do!) It's fine to reflect on your relationship with her once in a while, but you've gotta keep moving on with life, or it'll consume you. I've been cheated on too by my ex-wife so I know what you're going through. As time passes by you'll learn to accept it more and be in a stronger place with someone who really loves you and will never treat you that way. It's obvious she never loved you nor cared about you for her to cheat. It was never your fault. Just remember that and you'll be okay dude.
carhill Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 IME, cheaters, particularly of the serial type, who hook up have an 'understanding' of the parameters of their relationship and generally have a mutual penchant for and tolerance of the ensuing drama. To them, the 'stuff' that surrounds infidelity is 'normal' and they can detach their emotions from the acts/reactions. IMO, compartmentalization is key. Such people can be quite compatible. Birds of a feather. That said, most serial cheaters will also enjoy the heartfelt attention of 'regular' folks who don't compartmentalize and 'feel' relationships. This feeds their ego. It's all about them. Some are better than others at manipulating people to this end. If things don't add up, dollars to donuts a Hoover's at work, sucking the life and love out of a sincere person. When you sense the suck, get outta there. Good luck
Author GoingInsane Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 Well I'm doing okay on moving on. Day 9 NC and I'm certainly not missing her or want to speak to her. The only problem is, I can't stop thinking back to when we were together and when the affair might have started and I can't stop hoping that they crash and burn (if they haven't already). They used to work together and at first my ex really didn't like the other guy much. Used to moan about him loads and certainly wasn't interested in him romantically. She chased after me. The other guy then started contacting her, texting her, flirting and being a "good friend" who she went to for advice. This was about 1.5 years after we'd got together. I think she was flattered, her head was turned, we were having a few problems and she liked the attention. I can't believe she genuinely loves this guy, she calls him her "lover" not BF, says they're kind of seeing each other, says its complicated and a secret. No romanticised view of it (and she usually loves the hearts and flowers stuff). I know its of no concern to me any more. I certainly don't want her back, I'm happy to look to my future without her in it. But I just can't shake the nagging doubts that come into my head wanting them to be unhappy together. What does that make me? I even had a dream about them last night - we were still together and I was confronting her about my suspicions and she was lying to me swearing nothing was going on (pretty much how things were in reality 6 months ago).
Author GoingInsane Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 Just an update on this, I found out some new information last night and wanted to hear your thoughts. My ex admitted to a mutual friend finally that they had an affair when we were still together. No timescales but it had ended when we split up. They didn't restart their relationship until a couple of months after we'd split (although I know they remained "friends"). The other guy split from his LTR of 15+ years around this time, although not to be with my ex (so she says). He's had multiple affairs, he moved out of their home but still sees his LTR ex regularly and is actually going to couples councilling with her! He has told my ex he wants the perfect breakup (with his ex) and to remain friends but doesn't want to get back with his ex. His ex suspects an affair with my ex which he is denying. If he's so desperate to break up, why not admit to it? I can't beleive that any woman with any self respect would still want to be with the ****** who she knows has cheated on his LTR several times, has split then got back together with LTR several times, is swearing to his LTR nothing is going on with her and attending couples councilling, all whilst still seeing her on the side. Sometimes. They don't seem to be spending much time toegther at all. Is my ex still lying? Are they actually all loved up and this is just a big elaborate lie to ease her guilt? I just don't know any more. I do know they don't see one another that often (certainly not every night), but I do think she's lied about not spending NYE with him. Fizzle out? Crash and burn? Sail off into the sunset together? What do you think?
Woman In Blue Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 GoingInsane, with all due respect, this was only a THREE month relationship. You're holding onto this thing like it was a 20 year marriage. It was only 90 days. You need to put it in perspective. Secondly, it simply sounds like your ex is being played by her serial cheating "boyfriend." There are plenty of married men (or supposedly committed men) who CLAIM they're getting counseling with their spouses JUST to create the appearance that they're willing to try anything so they don't look like the bad guy, but more than likely, this guys' LTR has no clue what he's really up to. Because if he's like most of these lying married weasels, he's telling his live-in girlfriend that he'll do 'anything' to stay with her, while telling your ex he's simply doing it to look good before he dumps his live-in girlfriend for good. Guys like him aren't worth the powder to blow them up. Get yourself a Big Gulp, a barrel of buttered popcorn, and sit back and watch your ex crash and burn. Because she's going to. Big time.
Distant78 Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 GoingInsane, with all due respect, this was only a THREE month relationship. You're holding onto this thing like it was a 20 year marriage. It was only 90 days. You need to put it in perspective. So? It doesn't excuse what she did to him, nor should it alter his healing process. What if it was four or five months? It doesn't knock her hurting a human in one of the worst ways.
Author GoingInsane Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 No, when I mentioned 3 months in the OP, that's how long we'd been split up. The relationship lasted just over 2 years.
Distant78 Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 No, when I mentioned 3 months in the OP, that's how long we'd been split up. The relationship lasted just over 2 years. Still you must continue to heal from your wounds no matter what. You'll find someone who really cares about you dude.
Darren Steez Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 You gotta let her go, what is done is done. Let me give you a useless analogy, think of your life like a cell phone with the battery on its last bar, you're not going to waste it listening to old messages, no, you're going to make sure you use that phone for something more important. Right now, you are wasting time obsessing over a cheater that got with a cheater, how do you think they will end, when he or she comes home late at night what's the first thing they are going to think, its a relationship built on sand so don't worry about them, cliche alert..focus on yourself and get with someone who will treat you right...stop wasting time listening to messages!!!
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