noregretsmyass Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 (edited) I was OW to MM for a little over a year. We were in the same social circle for the past eight years. I knew his wife and we had many mutual acquaintances. MM had told me numerous times throughout our friendship that he had an attraction to me. Most of the time, it was drunk ramblings, sexual in nature, while we were at party or social gathering. He would then contact me the next day to apologize that he was out of line with the things he had said the night before. On many occasions he would express that he was very unhappy in his marriage, he was not attracted to his wife, and that if she didn’t need him, and he could leave without feeling so much guilt, he would. Due to some unfortunate circumstances in her life, he is more of a caregiver to her than a husband. Throughout our time of knowing each other, I never felt any type of attraction towards him. A couple of years ago, I went through some very difficult situations with my health and career. My life was falling apart and I was in a very bad place emotionally. He had helped me with a couple of things and we became closer friends than we had been previously. We started to get to know one another outside of the regular social occasions. This is where I should have stopped cold. I knew he was married, I knew he had claimed to be unhappy, I knew his wife, I knew he was attracted to me. Looking back, I see this clearly now and I should have run the other way. While in the midst of some real life challenges and emotional pain though, I just wanted to feel better, and he helped to make me feel better. He then started to pursue me physically. It started with lingering hugs, kisses to my forehead, holding my hand, etc. He also started to share things with me that he said he never told anyone before and that he felt so comfortable around me. He sent emails to me about much he cared for me and said he never felt this way about anyone until he got to know me. I started to feel the same way about him. I did feel torn because of knowing his wife. Actually, I felt awful over it, but it didn’t stop me from succumbing to one of his advances one night. We had finally crossed the line, the point where it would change us forever- he became a cheater, and I became the other woman. We lingered in a lost in love affair that would last a little over a year. For as much as we claimed to love one another, I could never imagine all of the pain, jealousy, suffering, lying, and chaos, our so-called love could cause. Now I’m picking up the pieces and suffering the ramifications of the poor choices I’ve made, the affair that I willingly got myself into. I stumbled upon this website while feverishly searching for answers to my own madness. Reading here for the past couple of months has helped, but I’m a long ways away from forgiving myself. And, MM is just going about as he always has…. Like I never even happened. Edited January 1, 2011 by noregretsmyass
siuys Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 I was OW to MM for a little over a year. We were in the same social circle for the past eight years. I knew his wife and we had many mutual acquaintances. MM had told me numerous times throughout our friendship that he had an attraction to me. Most of the time, it was drunk ramblings, sexual in nature, while we were at party or social gathering. He would then contact me the next day to apologize that he was out of line with the things he had said the night before. On many occasions he would express that he was very unhappy in his marriage, he was not attracted to his wife, and that if she didn’t need him, and he could leave without feeling so much guilt, he would. Due to some unfortunate circumstances in her life, he is more of a caregiver to her than a husband. Throughout our time of knowing each other, I never felt any type of attraction towards him. A couple of years ago, I went through some very difficult situations with my health and career. My life was falling apart and I was in a very bad place emotionally. He had helped me with a couple of things and we became closer friends than we had been previously. We started to get to know one another outside of the regular social occasions. This is where I should have stopped cold. I knew he was married, I knew he had claimed to be unhappy, I knew his wife, I knew he was attracted to me. Looking back, I see this clearly now and I should have run the other way. While in the midst of some real life challenges and emotional pain though, I just wanted to feel better, and he helped to make me feel better. He then started to pursue me physically. It started with lingering hugs, kisses to my forehead, holding my hand, etc. He also started to share things with me that he said he never told anyone before and that he felt so comfortable around me. He sent emails to me about much he cared for me and said he never felt this way about anyone until he got to know me. I started to feel the same way about him. I did feel torn because of knowing his wife. Actually, I felt awful over it, but it didn’t stop me from succumbing to one of his advances one night. We had finally crossed the line, the point where it would change us forever- he became a cheater, and I became the other woman. We lingered in a lost in love affair that would last a little over a year. For as much as we claimed to love one another, I could never imagine all of the pain, jealousy, suffering, lying, and chaos, our so-called love could cause. Now I’m picking up the pieces and suffering the ramifications of the poor choices I’ve made, the affair that I willingly got myself into. I stumbled upon this website while feverishly searching for answers to my own madness. Reading here for the past couple of months has helped, but I’m a long ways away from forgiving myself. And, MM is just going about as he always has…. Like I never even happened. Hugs to you. But that's reason enough for you to move on. You've already admitted to the poor choices you've made - it's ok. It's life. Forgive yourself and move forward. It's a journey, move on, not an easy one, but worth it for you in the end, and very much so.
2sunny Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 you write in a very elusive fashion. you never stated... is it over with your MM? what is it you want to ask - how can we be helpful? if you don't state precisely what you are here for or what your question is - there will be many assumptions and suggestions that you never intended to need. so, what is your question?
desertIslandCactus Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 Just don't continue to feed him... M people use these outside relationships to enhance their lives and with thoughts. Starve the beast .. walk away. You are Free, he isn't .. Act as if you are free. We all learn hard lessons .. sometimes daily .. as I did just this last Thurs nite.. ugh Everyday is a new beginning.. and to try to recoop..
Author noregretsmyass Posted January 1, 2011 Author Posted January 1, 2011 iswmle- I stopped contacting MM a few weeks before Thanksgiving. I already felt a lingering sadness knowing that the holidays would be coming up, and that I would suffer one disappointment after another if things were to continue. He swears I am the one he loves, that if circumstances were different, he would leave his marriage to be with me. Things got a little messy when I ended it; we both said some really nasty things to each other. The anger over these words helps in some ways because I see him for the jerk he is….the other part of me really wants to talk to him to hear him say he is sorry for some of the things he said. But that would just be me allowing him to justify and make excuses like I’ve done throughout this relationship. He got a tattoo on the side of his abdomen while in the middle of our affair that said “no regrets”. I guess he does not regret the pain he has caused to his wife or to me. He can be reminded every day in writing on his own body that he is completely selfish.
Author noregretsmyass Posted January 1, 2011 Author Posted January 1, 2011 Hugs to you. But that's reason enough for you to move on. You've already admitted to the poor choices you've made - it's ok. It's life. Forgive yourself and move forward. It's a journey, move on, not an easy one, but worth it for you in the end, and very much so. Thanks, Siuys. I've been following your story here, and you've been through alot. I know I have to forgive myself, I'm just trying to learn how to do that. I'm very disappointed with myself. I'm disappointed with "Love" in general. I've always had higher expectations for both. Cheers to a New Year and better decision making!
desertIslandCactus Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 NRMA (love your identity name .. ha) Read other LS stories of these relationships, in many ways all similar. I think the testimonies should help you greatly in seeing the A for what it is - or isn't.
Author noregretsmyass Posted January 1, 2011 Author Posted January 1, 2011 you write in a very elusive fashion. you never stated... is it over with your MM? what is it you want to ask - how can we be helpful? if you don't state precisely what you are here for or what your question is - there will be many assumptions and suggestions that you never intended to need. so, what is your question? 2sunny... It is over with MM. I've been in successful NC for almost 2 months. It hurts, and that is why I find myself here reading about how other people get through these tough situations. I wrote a bit of my story so I can reply to posts and threads in the forum with some credibility.... don't want to be called a "troll" or whatever, LoL! I'm having a hard time between forgiving myself and feeling like I got everything I deserved. You know, like I'm suffering and I should be, because I did something horrible and I am ashamed of myself. Why does MM get to continue life without a worry? Why does BW want a man who did that to her? Why did MM insist that I am the love of his life? Why is it so easy for MM to lie? Why does BW think it's all of my fault? I dont know what my specific questions are at this point. I will ask them as they come. Right now, I just want to know I'm not alone.
Author noregretsmyass Posted January 1, 2011 Author Posted January 1, 2011 Just don't continue to feed him... M people use these outside relationships to enhance their lives and with thoughts. Starve the beast .. walk away. You are Free, he isn't .. Act as if you are free. We all learn hard lessons .. sometimes daily .. as I did just this last Thurs nite.. ugh Everyday is a new beginning.. and to try to recoop.. I guess that is true... I am free, and there is no better way to start the new year with this behind me. I have not seen or spoken to him since the beginning of November. I deleted all forms of communication, set his email address to spam, etc. I'm trying to do all of the right things, but he still creeps into my mind more than I would like.
Author noregretsmyass Posted January 1, 2011 Author Posted January 1, 2011 NRMA (love your identity name .. ha) Read other LS stories of these relationships, in many ways all similar. I think the testimonies should help you greatly in seeing the A for what it is - or isn't. Cactus...... I've been reading here for quite some time now, and it facinates me how similar the stories are, what people put themselves through, the things we accept in our lives. Username is courtesy of my xMM.... he has it tatooed on his side....what a joke!!! He may have well put "I'm a selfish jerk-off".
2sunny Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 2sunny... It is over with MM. I've been in successful NC for almost 2 months. It hurts, and that is why I find myself here reading about how other people get through these tough situations. I wrote a bit of my story so I can reply to posts and threads in the forum with some credibility.... don't want to be called a "troll" or whatever, LoL! I'm having a hard time between forgiving myself and feeling like I got everything I deserved. You know, like I'm suffering and I should be, because I did something horrible and I am ashamed of myself. Why does MM get to continue life without a worry? Why does BW want a man who did that to her? Why did MM insist that I am the love of his life? Why is it so easy for MM to lie? Why does BW think it's all of my fault? I dont know what my specific questions are at this point. I will ask them as they come. Right now, I just want to know I'm not alone. you are definitely not alone. when you ask why - it will always keep you stuck in your past... the past that you can not change... and that's not productive. if you ask how - HOW can i NEVER have it look like that ever again... then and only then - will things begin to be different than they ever were... with the assurance that things will never be THAT way again... and it helps to move forward instead of back wards. always move forward. you can't change the past. learn from it, forgive yourself and move forward.
desertIslandCactus Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 Cactus...... I've been reading here for quite some time now, and it facinates me how similar the stories are, what people put themselves through, the things we accept in our lives. Username is courtesy of my xMM.... he has it tatooed on his side....what a joke!!! He may have well put "I'm a selfish jerk-off". I think the affair itself .. the workings of it from beginning to end and the actions/feelings of each affair partner - are what seem to be so similar.
thissecretgirl Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 I know I have to forgive myself, I'm just trying to learn how to do that. I'm very disappointed with myself. I'm disappointed with "Love" in general. I've always had higher expectations for both. 2sunny... I'm having a hard time between forgiving myself and feeling like I got everything I deserved. You know, like I'm suffering and I should be, because I did something horrible and I am ashamed of myself. Why does MM get to continue life without a worry? Why does BW want a man who did that to her? Why did MM insist that I am the love of his life? Why is it so easy for MM to lie? Why does BW think it's all of my fault? I dont know what my specific questions are at this point. I will ask them as they come. Right now, I just want to know I'm not alone. Hi nrma, Happy New Year to you! First of all, I'm so sorry you are going through this inner turmoil. It's a horrible place to be and a place i was in until very recently. Yanno those questions are exactly the same ones that I and I'd guess many other OW have desperately tried to find answers to on boards like this. My brain would conjur up all sorts of answers in response to these questions and these so called 'answers' became a constant torment me. On replay in my brain, over and over ad nauseum. People here told me that I would never get the answers and I fought against this; I wanted them and I deserved them. Let the answers go they would say. But I needed them, I thought. It was the only way I would heal. I now understand what people were telling me and they were right. I think the only real answer is this; acceptance. Accepting that you have questions whatever they may be and accepting that the answers very likely arent coming. Call off the search. In my own case, when I let go and stopped seeking, I stopped wondering. Its a much more peaceful place to be. I actually didnt come here for a few days because I felt I was feeding the questions. As for forgiveness, yes you screwed up and made bad choices. But hey, you arent alone; many of us have. Try not to be too hard on yourself eh. The great thing is that you have acknowledged those errors in judgement and regret them. You strive to do better and you have expectations of yourself and others. All this is really good! The feelings of shame and guilt and embarrasment are all so negative and draining. Try to take the energy wasted on these negative emotions and instead tune them into the positive ones like acceptance and meeting the life and love expectations that you have set yourself. Channel them into being the person you want to be and will be proud to be. If it's any consolation, I would bet that things arent carrying on as normal for him. I fell into this particular thought trap and about a week ago saw confirmation that this wasnt the case. On the surface it might appear like that but I would put money on the opposite being true. But enough of him, this is about you. What do you want in this New Year? What would you like to achieve? Nothing relating to him; for yourself. Its a fresh start. A clean slate ready for you to make your mark on. What mark will you make? Think big. You can be anything and everything you want to be.
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