cesere Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 (edited) In late 2009 I asked my beautiful wife of 10 years for divorce because of anger and depression from death in the family, loss of job, and ending up in a job 15 months later that paid 1/2 as much and I worked in a filthy environment (bedbugs, fleas, bad smells). My ex-wife and I started talking divorce - which I started - only months after her mother died. I was so depressed that I didn't care and was an a----le. She asked me many times to stay with her, but I was a jerk, refused, and said many hurtful things to her which I now regret. We got divorced at the end of 2009. I dated someone in January 2010 but split with her. My ex-wife and I started dating in February but she then dumped me because she was mad at me but slept with me and did family things with me and our son. We even scheduled a family trip for to take my son (who was then 5) on a trip for his birthday. In early April days before the trip, my ex told me she met someone online, it (sex) was over between us, and she would not join me and our son on his birthday trip. She showed her BF's picture - bald and fat (I am thin, muscular and have hair). Plus she said he was self-employed (odd jobs), had a ton of debt (I have none), was less endowed than me, and didn't do as much foreplay as me. I couldn't believe that she dumped me for a LOSER! In May she told me that she couldn't see him one weekend because he was going to a wedding. I asked why she wasn't going and she cried. I warned her that it was a red flag for him to go without her. I also dumped a woman I was casually dating and asked my ex-wife to take me back because the divorce was a mistake, I regreted it, apologized for it, and wanted to be with her and my son. She refused and said she spoke to her boyfriend about the wedding and said that he said she wasn't invited because, "It's not that kind of wedding." WTF??? After that she said I was no longer allowed in her house. In June she stopped coming to my house and refused to eat/shop with me and our son. She was insulting, hateful, and said rotten things to me. She began treating me like GARGAGE! But I never stopped loving her and told her at least twice a month that I wanted to reconcile - and she always insulted me until August when she said several times she might come back to me, but needed time to heal. Come November she told me that she lied when she said she needed time to heal and would never take me back during an argument. She also refused to celebrate Thanksgiving with my son and me. A week later she also came into my home (when asked) for the first time in 5 or 6 months. As recently as October she wouldn't enter even to bring my son's clothes. In December she said again she'll never take me back because I left her the same year her mother died. And she said she'll never change her mind. One week later I ran into her and my son outside and they had dinner with me - the first family meal in 6 months. Good news - my son never met her boyfriend, she never told my son she had a boyfriend, and I have reasons to think that they split. Also - I found a better job in a clean environment which pays better. Plus she had entered my home around 6 times in December - used the bathroom - and had snacks - while picking up/dropping off my son. Also note throughout the months I'd occasionally cook something nice for her (I've won contests and used to do all the cooking and most the cleaning in the home) for her.....and she always accepted it. She never rejected any of my gifts to her. After last week, I was starting to think that my ex-wife might be moving back in my direction. However, this week I mailed her an invitation for dinner with me and my son for New Year's dinner. She never acknowledged receiving - but her silence is an impolite rejection. Why am I waiting for her? Why am I waiting for my ex-wife to come back to me? Did the family meal and her willingness to now enter my home after 6 months of refusing six months JUSTIIFY enough hope to wait a few more months and see if she may want to reconcile as her anger wanes??? Or does her treating me badly since May 2009 and ignoring my invitation tell me that I am wasting my time because her anger at me is too intense? I love her and my son. I just want our family back together. Why is she so hateful? She has no family in this country but me and my son....and she says I am no longer her family. Do I have a realistic shot? Is her anger waning? Or am I on her s--tlist for life? Edited January 1, 2011 by cesere Explain details.
LifeIsGreat Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 That is quite a story. Bottom line, you hurt her very deeply with your own personal issues. Would she ever take you back? Maybe. You guys have a lot of history together, and a child. That is huge. But you have been handling this all wrong. Everything is happening way too fast considering you divorced end of 2009 and then tried dating again a few months later. The fact she was open to dating you is a positive sign (IMHO). At this point you need to make up for being so clingy and needy. You have to go no contact for yourself, and for her. As long as you are around she will not be able to let go of how you hurt her. Go NC, work on yourself, get your depression under control (if need be). The only contact you should have with her should be around your son. NEVER talk about your relationship with her, don't ask about her potential dating/bf's, stop telling her you are sorry (she already heard you), be mysterious by not talking in any detail about what's going on in your life, and don't date (you are not ready for another relationship anyway). Get your own act together, and work on being a better person. DON"T tell her you're better--- show her you're better! And don't show her by making it obvious. Just get better and she will probably see it in the limited interaction you have concerning your son. Some divorced couples do get back together, but not many. You screwed up and have to take responsibility for that- and a part of that is realizing you may never have your wife back. Sorry to be so frank, but it's what you need to here. Now- go NC, and start moving on with your life and becoming a better person and learning from the past.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 In late 2009 I asked my beautiful wife of 10 years for divorce because of anger and depression from death in the family, loss of job, and ending up in a job 15 months later that paid 1/2 as much and I worked in a filthy environment (bedbugs, fleas, bad smells). My ex-wife and I started talking divorce - which I started - only months after her mother died. I was so depressed that I didn't care and was an a----le. She asked me many times to stay with her, but I was a jerk, refused, and said many hurtful things to her which I now regret. It seems that you were using temporary feelings to justify whatever behaviour you wanted to do. It is common, it isn't right and causes a lot of damage (which I am sure that you see now) but it is common. That cycle whether or not you and your wife get back together is what needs to stop. It is the best chance you have of getting back together with your wife. The fact that you caused more pain in her life instead of being there for her when she would have needed you the most is... well, disgusting and probably a permanent deal-breaker. We got divorced at the end of 2009. I dated someone in January 2010 but split with her. My ex-wife and I started dating in February but she then dumped me because she was mad at me but slept with me and did family things with me and our son. The post-breakup sex would have been partly an attempt to feel better before moving on. We even scheduled a family trip for to take my son (who was then 5) on a trip for his birthday. In early April days before the trip, my ex told me she met someone online, it (sex) was over between us, and she would not join me and our son on his birthday trip. She showed her BF's picture - bald and fat (I am thin, muscular and have hair). (This is not going to matter to her that much, you could be Adonis but if you treat her like crap and you aren't there anyways, he is the better pick automatically, it blows my mind that guys don't get this.) Plus she said he was self-employed (odd jobs), had a ton of debt (I have none), ( but he was there for her) was less endowed than me, (but he was there for her) and didn't do as much foreplay as me. ( but he was there for her) I couldn't believe that she dumped me for a LOSER! (The loser would be the guy that wasn't there for her when she needed him the most) In May she told me that she couldn't see him one weekend because he was going to a wedding. I asked why she wasn't going and she cried. I warned her that it was a red flag for him to go without her. I also dumped a woman I was casually dating and asked my ex-wife to take me back because the divorce was a mistake, I regreted it, apologized for it, and wanted to be with her and my son. She refused and said she spoke to her boyfriend about the wedding and said that he said she wasn't invited because, "It's not that kind of wedding." WTF??? (So it turns out after all that she has a type, guys who in the end aren't there for her). Be the guy that is and you have a chance. After that she said I was no longer allowed in her house. In June she stopped coming to my house and refused to eat/shop with me and our son. She was insulting, hateful, and said rotten things to me. She began treating me like GARGAGE! (And you had treated her like?? What is it that you throw away when it isn't useful to you anymore? Oh yeah, garbage!) But I never stopped loving her and told her at least twice a month that I wanted to reconcile - and she always insulted me until August when she said several times she might come back to me, but needed time to heal. (The fact that she is angry with you is actually a good sign. It shows that there are still emotions flying around there, instead of total disinterest. She seems like a very emotional person which is probably why the two of your got together and why it was so unstable.) Come November she told me that she lied when she said she needed time to heal and would never take me back during an argument.(More words said out of anger, still showing emotional attachment). She also refused to celebrate Thanksgiving with my son and me. A week later she also came into my home (when asked) for the first time in 5 or 6 months. As recently as October she wouldn't enter even to bring my son's clothes. In December she said again she'll never take me back because I left her the same year her mother died. And she said she'll never change her mind. One week later I ran into her and my son outside and they had dinner with me - the first family meal in 6 months. (this may be a death knell). Good news - my son never met her boyfriend, she never told my son she had a boyfriend, and I have reasons to think that they split. (doesn't matter anyways, her relationship with you would also be evaluated independently). Also - I found a better job in a clean environment which pays better. (This should also not matter, but seems to affect your moods and the way you treat your wife. Try to isolate that factor in your life if you want any stability with her.) Plus she had entered my home around 6 times in December - used the bathroom - and had snacks - while picking up/dropping off my son. Also note throughout the months I'd occasionally cook something nice for her (I've won contests and used to do all the cooking and most the cleaning in the home) for her.....and she always accepted it. She never rejected any of my gifts to her. After last week, I was starting to think that my ex-wife might be moving back in my direction. (Maybe, maybe not, maybe she has made some peace with her decision and can now accept things from you without it meaning anything to her anymore. Hard to say but that would my my guess. It also hasn't been that long since the divorce so you may still have something to go on. Divorces are deep, deep insults though, I would be very surprised if a woman was willing to risk that on her personal record.) However, this week I mailed her an invitation for dinner with me and my son for New Year's dinner. She never acknowledged receiving - but her silence is an impolite rejection. (Silence speaks volumes) Why am I waiting for her? Why am I waiting for my ex-wife to come back to me? Did the family meal and her willingness to now enter my home after 6 months of refusing six months JUSTIIFY enough hope to wait a few more months and see if she may want to reconcile as her anger wanes??? (you are waiting for her because you did not stop loving her and you want your family back. You also know that you did very wrong by this human being and by putting it back together you may be able to make some of this right for your wife and son. That is of course, my best guess.) Or does her treating me badly since May 2009 and ignoring my invitation tell me that I am wasting my time because her anger at me is too intense? (If she still has anger, you still have something to work with. Anger=unfilled expectation). I love her and my son. I just want our family back together. Why is she so hateful? Um, because you divorced her and abandoned her!!!!! She has no family in this country but me and my son....and she says I am no longer her family. You aren't, that's the magic of divorce. Do I have a realistic shot? Is her anger waning? Or am I on her s--tlist for life? Either way I doubt you will be on her ****list for life. She will get back with you or she will get over you and you will become smaller to her. You have your work cut out for you. The first things you need to do is figure out who you are, what you want and what your needs are, start making changes in your life to become a healthier spouse. I talked to a marriage coach on the Divorce Busting website and they gave me a lot of hope and tactics to use to pull myself out of the anger and resent I have towards my husband (I vent on here not on him). The 180 rules have been really helpful. But setting my own expectations for change instead of trying to reach some artificial expectation of his, I do better.
tobydog Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 just a few thoughts about anger......it rarely lasts as it then destroys the angered one.....but it takes time and a lot of time for it to subside. But it does eventually subside....it has to..... But my situation, my stbx hates me and is angry, it has subsided as he called me Debs the other day and has rarely been civil for 3+ months. I still think he hates me but maybe has let go of some of his anger towards me. There is no hope for me tho. I wish you better luck Dx
aerogurl87 Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 You hurt her alot and so she's angry with you, but like tobydog said hate subsides after time. It either turns into apathy or a calmness within the person whose been offended. I hated my ex for the first year after he broke up with me. I hated and loved him and now after about a year and a half, I no longer hate him. I still care about him though, although I'm sure not to nurture that care too much as I know it can quickly blossom back into full blown love. He hated me also, but now his hate has turned into love, to what extent I don't know, but it's there. My point is, you may have a chance with your ex wife still, but you need to let time do it's thing with healing both of you before you can even look at that as being a viable option.
Author cesere Posted January 1, 2011 Author Posted January 1, 2011 She dropped my son off today. But unlike the last 4 weeks, instead of walking him to my apartment...she left him alone in the apartment hallway and ran to her car. This is after she didn't respond to my mailed invitation for a family New Year's dinner. Two weeks ago she came inside 3 days in a row and snacked here (Xmas holidays)....now she is avoiding me again. WHY? Is this her way of telling me that reconciliation will never happen? Is it hopeless?
2010_Sorry Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 Try to stop analyzing her every move.... it's destroying you. Everyone has been giving you WONDERFUL advice, please re-read what they said. ....I'm in a similar situation with my XH... the first month after I told him I wanted to reconcile hurt terribly... but I turned inward and began working on myself. Try to remove her from anything that would "trigger" you, such as Facebook, MySpace, Instant Messenger...etc and keep your communication strictly relating to your son.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 She dropped my son off today. But unlike the last 4 weeks, instead of walking him to my apartment...she left him alone in the apartment hallway and ran to her car. This is after she didn't respond to my mailed invitation for a family New Year's dinner. Two weeks ago she came inside 3 days in a row and snacked here (Xmas holidays)....now she is avoiding me again. WHY? Is this her way of telling me that reconciliation will never happen? Is it hopeless? Dinner at New Year's may have been to much of a "next step." She seems like she is all over the place with feelings and being passive aggressive stances like running away. She clearly has not made peace with this, because if she had she would not be running to her car. Don't just sit and react to her, make yourself solid, steady and safe. That is the best chance you have to show her that you care. Don't give up at the first sign of trouble, you have to give to yourself and give to the potential of the relationship in order to change the tone of your interactions. DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT TO ACHIEVE DIFFERENT RESULTS.
LifeIsGreat Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 Yes, do something different!! For you that would be no more relationship talk and going no contact. Please listen
Author cesere Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 I thank all of you who have responded. My heart is broken. I know that the divorce was my fault. All I want to do is re-build my family and be the man I should've been but wasn't when my wife needed me in 2009. I was encouraged by her recent actions (the dinner and coming into my home after refusing to do both for 6 months). But she ignored my New Year's family invitation and ran away after dropping my son off to avoid me today. How should I interpret that? Does it mean she doesn't want me back ever and wants me to give up? Does it mean that she is confused about her feelings and wants to avoid me while she heals? Does it mean something else? Of course none of us can read her mind. But I am trying to make sense of things and know that I am emotionally bias, so I cannot trust my own logic. All I know is that a 6-year boy is the victim of this divorce. I asked for it, but she cooperated...even filed. It took 2 of us to break the marriage...and if we ever get back together...it'll take both of us to do it. I cannot compel her to reconcile with me. I've waited since last April when she dropped me. Should I give it until this April before throwing in the towel so that I can say I tried a full year? What is the point of moving on now? Every time I go on a date, I talk about my ex-wife. I can't help myself. She is mother of my child and my one true love. I want no other. But if she never comes back, I cannot become a hermit. You have all been very kind. I greatly appreciate that no one has typed anything condescening to me. Thank you all for your kindness and empathy.
Author cesere Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 How should I act when my ex-wife picks up my son today? She was coming in to get him in December, but after runnning away yesterday...I am 100% sure she'll wait in the car. Do I just act as if nothing happened? Does her running away yesterday signal that I lost all the progress made in December (the family meal and her coming into my place to snack when picking up/dropping off my son after refusing both for 6 months)????? Should I send her roses from my son on Valentine's Day? Do I have a realistic chance of reconciliation this year? Please advise this sad and confused man who is full of regret and only desires to put his family back together.
LifeIsGreat Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 How should I act when my ex-wife picks up my son today? She was coming in to get him in December, but after runnning away yesterday...I am 100% sure she'll wait in the car. Do I just act as if nothing happened? Does her running away yesterday signal that I lost all the progress made in December (the family meal and her coming into my place to snack when picking up/dropping off my son after refusing both for 6 months)????? Should I send her roses from my son on Valentine's Day? Do I have a realistic chance of reconciliation this year? Please advise this sad and confused man who is full of regret and only desires to put his family back together. Why the hell would you send her roses?? You know exactly what that says to her. Listen man, this isn't really rocket science. Yes, you have to have some contact with her because of your Son; but treat her like a nanny or babysitter, or something like that. She is not your wife anymore (as much as you don't want to admit it), don't treat her like she is. Be nice, friendly, and that's it!! Can't you see what your doing? You are cutting your odds of potentially get back down to zero. Is that what you want? When you see her/speak with her do NOT be pathetic, loving, needy, clingy. Are you getting this?
Author cesere Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 Why the hell would you send her roses?? You know exactly what that says to her. Listen man, this isn't really rocket science. Yes, you have to have some contact with her because of your Son; but treat her like a nanny or babysitter, or something like that. She is not your wife anymore (as much as you don't want to admit it), don't treat her like she is. Be nice, friendly, and that's it!! Can't you see what your doing? You are cutting your odds of potentially get back down to zero. Is that what you want? When you see her/speak with her do NOT be pathetic, loving, needy, clingy. Are you getting this? Thank you for the advice. Any idea why she started coming to my place after refusing for 6 months and stopped after I invited her and my son to dinner? Does that indicate disinterest or conflict? She dumped me 9 months ago. Does this make it too late to reconcile because her feelings are too far gone and her anger too strong? How can I attract her to me again?
LifeIsGreat Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Do I have a realistic chance of reconciliation this year? Please advise this sad and confused man who is full of regret and only desires to put his family back together. One of your major problems is..... it's all about YOU YOU YOU. It's what YOU want. If you really love and care for your ex, start showing it by putting HER first. Face it, you screwed up big time. That means you will probably never get her back. BUT-- if there is even the slightest chance, leave her alone!! If she ever has a change of heart, you will start to notice, but it won't be in the near future.
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